Have you ever meet someone before and felt this pull towards him or her that you didn’t know where it came from. Like is it from God or is it just in your head? Like you wonder what’s happening every time when you and that person eyes connect. Well then, welcome! Welcome to my world. Lately I have been trying to that figure out, more like praying it out to God about these exact things, whether or not I was confirmed by God who my future husband is. Yeah. That.
Let me just start off by saying that worldly Wynee thought she knew it all, but she didn’t and Glory to God that she is dead. Before surrendering to God, I was involved in toxic relationships that I had no business being in. I was in love with Anderson* for over ten years. Yes! Over a decade! It was a series of back and forth where I was in love with him and his potential. I slowly began to lose myself; willing to allow compromising situations to happen just to be with him. Thinking that he was the one for me. God thankfully intervened and used my bff Regina Ann* as a vessel to help me see what I was doing was wrong. God would never want for me to compromise myself or even put me in situations that would cause me to disappoint him. That is all in the past and thank God that that girl is dead.
With God being as my center I take everything to him. I am so radically for God. I just love praising, serving, worshipping, and everything that is all about God. Then not to long ago Jackson* comes from nowhere and I start having feelings for him. He serves in the ministry at my church, so it seems on the surface that he is a God fearing man. Which is a plus. But looks and feelings can be deceiving.
So one day we are attending this evening service at church and then something happened, we had a spiritual connection. It wasn’t like anything I have ever experience and I was so perplex by it. The moment was bigger than both of us. It literally cannot be described; it literally was something I have never experience before. Then the next day when I saw him again he could barely make eye contact with me. He seemed a bit taken aback and almost like nerved out by what had transpired the other day. I was too I have to admit. But somehow God got us to speak, we greeted each other each with a simple hellos; but when I went to my seat and I was in prayer something came to me telling me that he revealed that I was the one for him. I was so confuse, I couldn’t understand what was going on until Regina Ann* had to explain to me that I was receiving the confirmation that he was getting that I was the one. I was like what? How is that possible? Doesn’t God know I am not in the space for this? God just pulled me out of a toxic ten-year situation, how am I getting confirmed. Am I even truly getting confirmed? Did I really see this or did I conjure this. So I kept praying to God about all of this, and I kept getting more of the similar moments. I was like okay, so maybe this is God’s will for me. Boy did I run with that.
My living situation at this moment isn’t where I want to be, but I have faith God and I know he has me and will guide me out of this household when his timing wants it to happen. So I am just remaining patient. Because of arguments that were occurring in the household, I began to look to Jackson as my source to get me out of my situation. I became very comfortable about he idea of him and I. I was losing my focus on what was really important: my relationship with God. That should come first and foremost. That’s when God had to step in and discipline me. I suffer from anxiety and I will discuss that battle and overcoming it in another post; but one morning I woke up and had a conversation with God. The Holy Spirit took over and telling God if this man Jackson is going to tempt me in anyway then God please redirect me. I remember saying please redirect God if it leads to a road where I will be sexual tempted in anyway because I truly don’t want to be in any relationship where I have to be considering making those compromising choices, there are not worth it. This guy isn’t worth it because he is not my husband and it is not God’s will for any of his children to have pre-martial sex. It is not. In 1 Thessalonians 4:3 sexual purity is actually the will of God. He wants us to reserve that for the covenant of marriage.
Later that night I was feeling all types of emotions and anxieties and then my stomach dropped. It was an intense gut-retching pain. Like someone punched my stomach with a brick, it hurt really badly. I was on the phone with Regina Ann* and she was like its about Jackson. He slept with someone. You guys are spiritually connected. All of sudden my heart began to hurt. I’ve dealt with a broken heart before, but not like this. Not on this scale. I began to pray and cry out to God to ask him to help me through this. I was so raw that my emotions were all over the place.
The only hero, savior, rescuer there is, is God. That’s it. I made the mistake of letting a man who I only said hello and received what I perceived to be confirmations. Who even knows truly? I took something small and ran with it. I got carried away with the possibilities and went off to my lala lands where I daydream of our future, when I should have been praying harder to God. Fixing my eyes solely on him. Letting God orchestrate everything instead of me trying to figure when I should talk to him or what I should be doing. I even got dress up looking really cute for him, which I had no business doing and I definitely repented for it. We can’t forget that God sees all things. I had no business doing what I was doing. I am a growing Christian and as I constantly ask God to have me me die in self, and those residue of whom worldly Wynee use to be as well. I had to learn that I truly have to take it all to God, especially with relationships, and especially with my feelings. Because again those can be truly deceiving, what we think is going on is often not. My love for God is the only feeling that I can truly trust. As of right now, I don’t know what is to happen for Jackson and I and to be honest that’s fine with me. If I were confirmed to be with him then God will work it out, if not then I trust that God has something better. He is the everlasting God.
The song that best relates to this is Moriah Peter’s I’ll Wait for You, because it is true. I am patiently waiting for my future husband. I am trusting in what God has for me, and its bigger and better than I could even imagine. I am so thankfully grateful for the seasoning and harvesting that God is doing in my life because I know it’s for wherever God is taking me next. As for my #DearFutureHusband that God is also seasoning and harvesting, whomever and wherever you are; you’re worth the wait.
Thanks For reading! God bless! Xo