Have you cried so hard that you started to shake? That has happen to me several times over the years growing up. My dad used to hit me so hard that it would leave me so sore and I would just be in be shaking and quivering myself to sleep. My childhood wasn’t picture perfect. There were some good moments, but I’ve grown up questioning certain things about myself. I’ve been battling anxiety and depression for some greater part of my life, how I used to cope with it was through alcohol and numbing. Thank God for Jesus, because through receiving Christ, I have been saved since June 1st, 2014 living the life of the anew, choosing to chase after God solely instead of anything of this world.
I grew up with a lot of abuse and neglect. My mom has untreated paranoia and my dad is verbally, emotionally and often physically abusive. I pray for my parents, because I truly want them to give their lives over to Christ and not be consumed by the lies the enemy tells them. Growing up I’ve battled everything from low-self esteem to being overweight. I had parents who didn’t always come from a place of love. They chose to treat us how they were often treated. You teach what you know right? I pray for them because they are choosing to live in their darkness instead of draw closer to God were there is constant light. I choose God.
Since being on this path it has allowed me to see me for who I am. I was always in denial about my anxiety. Like I had different ways to cope with it, or so I thought. With the anxiety, I also battled insomnia. That is tough. Not being able to go to sleep at night. Again I found different coping methods growing up. Until came alcohol; I abused it so that I can cope. Not feel. Numb. It gave me the liquid courage I needed to deal with my parents. It gave me the push I needed to be the girl I wanted to be. I thought I was strong because of the liquid toxic that was in my system. Until I found God. His grace and love showed me where my true strength solely comes from, only from him. It always did. God saw my hurt. He knew my struggles. The nights I cried. The nights I wanted something more than this life that I was living. He knew what I was going through, and he was there through it all. Some of it he had me go through so that I can live it out and have it be a part of my testimony.
Being saved allowed me to accept that I couldn’t cope with the anxiety anymore. I needed to get treated. I need to really to stand against the ignorance I was allowing myself to believe. Growing up in a household where they don’t believe in doctors and medicine, is kind of like brr? What is the deal with that? Because of God I am able to break that chain. My family my live in their denial, and I pray that one day they wake up and seek the medical help that they need, but I can’t. God has a bigger plan for me that I want to take part in. God’s will for my life is so much greater and brighter than I can ever conceived it to be, and I know that by being on this path, the other side, drawing closer to him is allowing me to seek the help I needed.
Just the other day I had to check in to the hospital because I need to ensure that my I was getting my medicine because my pills ran out and my doctor was out of reach. They told me that I would have to speak to a psychiatrist. I was like no, that isn’t necessary, I just need the medicine whatever you can give me will be fine. I was like God please be with me, while I was in the hospital. I have never done this before. I tend to avoid hospitals like a plague, literally. But this was truly God having me die in self in a whole another layer. I ended speak with the psychiatrist anyway; I ended up having to make sure that I schedule an appointment with one outside of the hospital. I get to the pharmacy and found out that my doctor had already renewed my prescription; she just didn’t call me to let me know. I was flabbergasted because I was like why did I have to head all the way to the ER. I realized it was all God’s doing.
Like I’ve said, I’ve grown up seeing tons of various forms of abuse and neglect, but also have experience it personally as well. I haven’t vocalize or spoken about it to anyone up until recently I started telling Regina Ann* my stories. I blocked them out, and when you have God as your center you need to let go of the past, before he walks with you into the present. I was very prideful. Dealing with the anxiety led to me creating an alter reality to everyone thinking that things with me were one way when they were actually another. People used to call it Wynee’s world. I thought that world was real. Scary right. That’s why God is soo amazing because he has shown me how who I was before and what I used to do doesn’t have to happen now that Jesus is the center of my life. I give God all the Glory. I am now on the road to recovery, I don’t know how long this road will take, and that’s fine by me, but what I do know is that God will be there with me every single step of the way.
I’ve been listening to Moriah Peter lately. Her whole album is amazing, and I am in love with every single track because every single track represents the stage that I am in in my life. Stand Strong is just that. Learning to stand strong when you have God. Worldly Wynee used other things of this earth to get her to feel strong, but now that I am living for God he is my source of everything. I can rely on him because he is all I need. My family doesn’t defy the journey that I am on. Only God does.
I hope that this post reaches to someone out there who is dealing with depression or any form of abuse. I pray that you seek help and know that you are loved. You may not know me but I still love you and you are my #SiblingsinChrist. We have to be there for one another. I too know what it is like to feel alone in in this world. Searching for validation in people who can never validate you or be there for you. The only one who can do that for you is God. He is always there for you and always will be. Trust me, I’ve given him all my burdens and taken up my cross and now I am free because his love brings me peace. Nothing in this world was ever going to heal me, have me, or take me to the place that I am today. Only God. I use to be so secretive and very isolated. God has turned that around for me, and he wants to do the very same for you to. Just draw closer to him. He is waiting for you. All you got to do is call out to our Father’s name, he’s listening he always has and always will. I pray that this post find you and that you can reach out to me whenever.
Until next time my brothers and sisters stand strong and God bless. Xo
(*denotes name change for identity purposes)