Wyn's Playlist

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Out of Hiding — November 28, 2014

Out of Hiding

There is nothing like clean hair. That so fresh fresh, so clean clean feeling is everything! I am learning how to manage my own hair and trust me it is a process. But it is also teaching me how to love myself and have some TLC with my hair. Before I used to go to the salon and get it done. Now I don’t go as often because (A) limited funds, and (B) God is teaching and putting the passion of taking care of hair in my heart. Since I have been a follower of Christ, I have been learning so many things about myself.

God has been teaching me how to love myself and be the CEO of Wynee. Wynee learning how to be her own cheerleader was not something she knew of until Regina Ann* mentioned it. Being my own cheerleader, trusting my gut and instincts those used to be such foreign concepts to me. I did not know how to do that before I was saved. That is because I used to seek validation from others. It is crazy how when you are on this path you begin to learn how to love yourself because you know and accepted that God loves you first and foremost. God has been removing all elements that block me from loving Wynee. The first was donating my clothes. That was huge because it allowed me to be in the space to trust God with everything especially with giving me a whole new wardrobe. There were days that I would enter into deep sadness and just get upset over how I did not have any clothes. Thank God that I am no longer in that space because it comes off as ungratefulness. I am worried about materialistic things when there are girls out there in third world countries being sold and used as property basically trapped in trafficking. That was not the way to act. Thank God that He wrecks me in that aspect.

The next thing was my hair. Like I said, I am learning how to give it some tender-loving-care especially since I am heavy-handed. I am learning how to be more soft and gentle. Loving on my hair and treating it not only has this made my hair thicker and healthier; but it has also pushed me outside my comfort zone with not being afraid to have not typical straight hair that you get from the salon. God has put me in the space where I am not define by my hair. I am able to be just the daughter to the King that he has called me to be. This hair ordeal although, may not seem like a big deal to outsiders, but my immediate family has been very vocal about this. The fact that I have not been putting the heat and weaves/extensions in my hair has lead them to say that “I am no longer beautiful” and “I do not know how to take care of myself anymore”. It is pretty pathetic to say the least that my family does not know how to love someone from within the heart and just allow me to find the path that God wants to take me. Their words used to hurt, but God has taught me forgiveness towards my parents. So now their words no longer do hurt. To God is the Glory!

Earlier today when I was on the phone with Regina Ann, she brought up something that lead me to tears. Why do people choose to treat others differently? That is a question that probably always gets asks, but the response are too many. My response was because we are often judge by first glance. Now Regina Ann has done so many awesome adventures. She told me how she once did a road trip with a group of girlfriends that she knew at the time and had fun throughout the entire thing. Who does not want to go on a road trip with a bunch of friends? I was kind of hurt that I never had the chance to go. Looking back on it now, it was like I was saying that I never will, I basically belittled and doubted that it can never happened in my future with the right people. I am fool, and cannot just see the bigger picture sometimes. I did not even allowed myself to say or think that maybe God was saving me from going on a road trip with the wrong people. I guess that this is what happens when you allow yourself to be consumed by the temporary state that you are in. You fail to believe that there is a brighter future out there for you because you are stuck on what you did not get the chance to experience. Now looking back and writing this out, I act and think that my life is over because I did not get to do this or that. When really my life has just began because it has Jesus at the center.

I have been hiding from the truth, which is I was not in the space to do any of these things. I was not mentally prepared, but most of all I was not a Christian. Now that I am on this path, God becomes my key focus on what does he need me to do or where does he want me to go. It cannot be about what I did not get to do, because there are many who are not as fortunate as I am.

God has been opening up my eyes to see things in a whole new light. I am more focus on forgiving and moving on from my past because God has amazing things that he wants to bless me with. Someone said something to me the other day that really opened up my eyes to see things from a new perspective. “You cannot allowed yourself to be hampered by your past. You have to learn forgiveness and learn how to really love yourself because that is the only way that God can continue to bless you and not holdout on the blessings that he has for you”. Deep right? Yeah. It was like another bubble pop. God used Suzie* as a vessel on that night. I cannot say that enough. He is talking to me to tell me to always choose love. God knows what I have gone through, he knows my future; however, God does not want me to get caught up in my own selfishness, and just let it all go, and trust him and his timing.

I love how everyday that I have breath is another day where God heals and removes all things that do not better me. Everything I have went through or I am going through is all part of a bigger plan that God has for me. Did I always see things that way? Of course not. I am flawed and have made mistakes plenty of times, but along the way the one thing that will always remain constant is that I choose Jesus. I will leave it all behind for thy savior.

Being that this is a Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. It definitely feels like I am not same Wynee that I used to be last year. This Wynee knows the importance of the holidays in not thinking of herself, but thinking about others. To pray for others and not be focus on about her current situation, but more aware of her siblings in Christ.

I cannot no longer hide from my truths or past because that will just be the hindrance from me being the cheerleader not only for myself, but also more importantly for others. I am thankful that God has pushed me out of my hiding from my truths, but teaching me how to love and be the CEO for Wynee. After all it’s about time she wakes up right? Especially since God has called her and will be using her for the big plans that he wants to do. I patiently wait on God, because he knows my eagerness to expand his kingdom; nevertheless, that has to come after realizing that I need to stop hiding and focusing about what I have not done or used to do. God knows why certain events took place and occurred in my life. I am now knowing that I should just be thanking God and be grateful that throughout everything that I have been through before being saved, God always delivered and provided. But now that I am saved, I have doubted him. I do not know why I choose to continue in this loop, but God is showing me that it will end only when I decide to be really honest with myself.

Upon writing out this post, I discovered that I have dyslexia. Which is something that I have been masking throughout my adult life due to my alcoholism. Through the grace of God I have been seven months sober. Please continue to keep me in prayers, as I continue to pray for you my brothers and sisters who are reading this post. The healing and recovery truly begins once you give your life over to Jesus. I have learn so many things about myself and have rejected the lies of the enemy all because God has redeemed me and has said that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made. “
I once was blind, but now I see. I am out of hiding due to the rescuing from my savior.

Out of Hiding, which is a song that I came across during when one of the artists that I followed on social media posted the song as what they were currently listening to. The artist Steffany Gretzinger, whom I have not heard of until recently, really speaks out the trust and deepness that comes from being in love. God loves us so much that he wants us to be bold and to be used as vessels for his glory, which can only happen when we allow ourselves to have him in our hearts completely. Me finding out that have dyslexia is coming out of hiding because I know that God is going to used this learning disability that I have and show the world how he can bypass anything. There are the limitations that society tries to place on us, and then there is God who has no bounds or limits. Out of Hiding is a song about how when God takes you out of the dark places that you used to be in, he is going to recover and fix you to the pillar that you are meant to be. I am not ashamed about being dyslexic, because I know that there is a sibling in Christ who may be ashamed about theirs and is living in secret, hiding from this others. There is nothing that you need not to be in ashamed of when you have God. He is the “lighthouse when you are lost at sea”. He is the key that will unlock your chains. He is the one that will truly and solely take you “Out of Hiding”.

Thank you for reading! Happy listening and God bless! Xo

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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Forgive Me — November 12, 2014

Forgive Me

Today is one of those days I believe God is telling me to look up. I am actually hearing him as he tells me to do so. There has been a constant battle to lose any amounts of control that I have tried to withhold from God. It is crazy how you do not even realize what it is that you are doing because you are in the motions while it is happening. Then God does something amazing, he stills showers you with his love. He stills protects you and guide you. I think it is pretty deep and unfathomable at the same time. Just like how God used Regina Ann* as a vessel to break through to me how I still was not giving up or surrendering the control issues that I have over to God. I was still trying to manage it somehow.

Apparently I had gotten comfortable with the crying and mood swings that I have been experiencing lately. The smallest things told to me have triggered me. Like for instances someone’s tone or what ever it is they were trying to tell me would flare me up. I would just tear up and just curl up into a ball. Regina Ann suggested that I do something about this, because it was getting exhausting for everyone around me to deal with this.

Yesterday’s events really opened up my eyes to what I have been doing. Just yesterday I headed to the Kings County Clinic to see if there was something that I could get for the mood swings.

The ladies at the front receptionist desk basically scared me off from going to the “R” building. The building that requires doctors to give you a psych evaluation. The mental disturbed I was informed practically lives there. Then I was also told that once “you get in, there’s no chance that you’ll be let out”. That sent me into slight panic mood. So I ended up heading back home. Later that night it hit me that God was testing me to see how big or strong my faith is in him. I failed. I missed the mark. I literally prayed this out to God apologizing and just repenting. This control mentality that I have, I am fully letting go of. For all we know God wanted me to enter that particular building to show how big God is; instead I diminish him. I thought that I had control of the situation when I currently as you can see I don’t. But God still loves me. I am so unworthy of his love, but he still pours his grace and mercy on me.

I am writing this down that as of today I am fully surrendering all of my control over to God. All of the things that I used as a sense of security come to an end because God is bigger. I need to be uncomfortable that is the only way I can continue to grow as a vessel, as a daughter to the King. That is the only way I am going to stay looking up by solely focusing and fixing my eyes on God.

Then there is also another thing that I have been battling with, the “But Me” complex. I just wrote a prayer out the other day, in regards to this because this is something God has been wrestling with me to stop comparing. Stop looking around to see what it is that everybody has and pout or cry over something that I was not meant to have or deal with.
The biggest so far is dealing with my virginity. Yeah, I am still a virgin. Yeah, they still have them in 2014. I am writing to say that I am proud to be one of them. It is a gift for my future husband. But it is a gift to be able to say that I am a virgin. For the longest time I was ashamed to admit this or even speak of it. I used to feel left out because I thought that I was a weirdo who was still a virgin, while everyone was hooking up left and right.

Before Regina Ann came into my life I was surrounded by people who I thought were my friends and apparently they were not. They told me “no man would ever be with me because of who I am”. It was crushing to see how they really felt and saw me. They did not like that I was different from them. Because looking back its something that they realize that they could never get back. Once you start having sex with a man that you were not spiritual lead into a marriage with, you can never undo what has been done. At the time I was not thinking that way. I felt that I was left out and had to prove that I could “fit in”. It is sad to say that there have been several attempts when situations could have arisen; but thank God that he loves me so, that he intervened every single time. I am so unworthy of God’s love and can not even to begin comprehend all that he does. But I am grateful that God intervene on my life.

Shame and fear are the language of the enemy. Why was I ashamed or fearful of these particular moments that occurred in my life because I was not in the mental space to understand what God has spared me from with the mood swings and the whole me being a control nut.

The wavering in me has to end. I cannot want to be a vessel and a servant to God, and go back and forth on when I decide to have faith in The Lord. That is not how a relationship with Christ should be. When I was ashamed about whom I was and the fact that I am a virgin, I did not consider the fact that God saved me from unplanned pregnancies, a STD or even AIDS/HIV. Then there’s the fact that I did not allowed God to wrestle with me.

God does not want us to worry about anything. We often forget that worrying is a sin. We are actually telling God that we do not trust in his plans for us and where he wants to take us. It is saddening to know that this is what our actions represents and how hurting it is to God.

God is going to open doors, but he wants to work in us before we enter into those doors that he has for us. What I am saying is that this must stop. I need to take a more active approach. I want God to push me so far out of my comfort zone that the only thing I will do is hear that voice that will tell me to look up.

I hope this post touches you out there my siblings in Christ, because when we enter into these traps or moments in our lives it is because we failed at remembering who God is, the Redeemer. Do not succumb to the lies of this world, live for Jesus only. He is the best way. He will always pick you up and carry you through it all. I am stopping with the wavering in my faith. I am choosing Jesus over everything, because in him is where all things lie. In him is where good things occur. He is the safe haven that I shall always run to. The more I give it to Abba, the more I allow him in and into my heart. That is where I want him to remain. God has saved me from so much. The fact that I was telling him “But Me” hurt me to see how foolish and selfish I have been. I may need to see a specialist, and that is okay. I know that God willing be healing me along the way.

If there isn’t anything that I have not learned is that your virginity/purity is a gift to be shared with the person that God is calling you to have that matrimonial walk with. If my future husband is out there reading this, he now knows that I have not ever been intimate with a man. I am in awe God saved me to give this special gift to my husband because he is worth the wait. #DearFutureHusband I ❤ U.

Forgive Me by Tenth Avenue North sang recorded this on their Islands EP. It is a song of repentance that we often have to ask of from God. Before getting saved and being baptized on June 1, 2014, I was doing so many foolish things with my heart. And then now that I am living the life of the anew it is living like a newborn. I have to be taught all over again new Godly habits, because the habits that I had prior definitely were not. God sees all things even when we were running away from him. He was still trying to get our attention; he was still trying to get us to be the light in the world full of darkness. God forgives us, which is why he is so merciful and faithful. The band of this amazing group expresses what it is that we sinners go through on this journey. The pain that we experience along the way but one thing that will always remain is the God is the light of everything good and full of love that is in our hearts. Amen.

“Forgive me, forgive me, Lord
For living like I'm not yours
I forget how kind You are
You are light for my foolish heart”

Thanks for reading! Happy Listening! God Bless! Xo

Fix You — November 5, 2014

Fix You

I’m crying. What else is new. Tears flow because of the pain in my heart. Years of buildup and frustration. I am also extra hormonal because my hormones have been out of whack. I need you Jesus. I need you right now at this very moment because I am crying. I am coming off defensive. I am over these feelings.

I just came out a women’s ministry meeting and the guest speaker was speaking on something about her upbringing. This was my first time attending the women’s ministry meeting. I am praying and hoping that more young women around the age of 18+ can come attend and be a part of the meeting. A lot of the women who were there were much older which isn’t anything bad, but the presence of the youth adds more life.

Karen Garcia* the guest speaker discussed forgiveness. Growing up and battling the complexion issue, an issue that I too have battled with. It isn’t something that is too often spoken of. The only way that one can begin to understand forgiveness is through Jesus Christ. That is the only way that one can ever begin to let God and let go. Karen grew up in a setting where she was experiencing rejection from her family especially her mother because of her skin tone early on in age. She went on to have that fester into resentment. Later on it turned to being afraid to wear no makeup, meaning the only time she ever felt beautiful was when she was wearing some. Other times she would be afraid to walk nearby a mirror. She did not believe that she was beautiful, because her mother never gave her that affection or adoration growing up.

Regina Ann* was talking to me mentioning that it is something that I can relate to, which is true. This is my personal story as well. She brought up how I also have a complexion issue. I was not in the space to deal with hearing that. Before walking in her home, I was already dealing with attacks from the enemy. Since coming right out of the meeting I was feeling excited because I know that God has been calling me into getting involve with more ministries. I don’t know in what way, but I have faith that God is going to handle that because he is our Abba. Why the attacks? Because I am happy and I have peace. The Lord has favor on all of his children. He wants nothing but the best for them. He is the ultimate provider. The enemy attacks because it has made it its main objective to steal, kill and destroy. It thrives on the insecurities and doubts of a person.

I was alone walking from the meeting to Regina Ann’s house and that’s when the mental attacks occurred. I chose to not fester in that. I called out to the name of The Lord because there is power in the name of Jesus. I was talking, singing, and praising God. There were moments of it being done internally, but I was also doing this out loud as well. Could I have been coming off as crazy to an outsider? Perhaps; but God knows my heart. I am just being radical for Jesus. At that moment it wasn’t about how I looked, it was about turning to Jesus, especially in those darkest moments.

Walking over to Regina Ann’s house I had a conversation with God. More like I spoke and he probably looked down on me like “yeah, right”. Did I try it with God? I probably did, but thankfully God does not entertain my nonsense. Regina Ann sensed something was wrong with me when I walked in her room. I wanted to grab some stuff that I leftover and leave. My Holy Spirit was like “no, you’re not going to do that.” So I obeyed because that is what we are supposed to do; always obey The Lord, especially the Spirit of The Lord. Regina Ann asked me what the women’s ministry meeting was about since I attended. I recapped the story of the guest speaker. She then asked me another question in which I needed a moment to recall the answer. She stated that the reason why I remember the parts that I recalled to her was due to me being able to identified with it. Since it is something that I am also currently battling with.

For a while when someone would ask me where I am from, and I still do this even do this day, I would say that both my parents are from Haiti; but my mother is mixed with German, French, D.R., and White. Regina Ann would explain that to an outsider it comes off like I have identity issues. She explained how that is not how she answers the questions when asked, and her parents are mixed. I replied, “Well that’s my prerogative”. Yep, I got defensive as I explained earlier. Because I did not want to get into the topic of how I was feeling, I’ve also been dealing with the shameful memories of my upbringing.

Growing up and being teased for being Haitian was pretty intense and left my scared. I was teased for how I spoke with an accent and how I looked extremely distinctive. They’ve even said that my mom sounded funny. I’ve never discussed any of this before. A part of me has blocked this part off of my past, my shame admitting where I am from. Now God has been tendering my heart to be proud of who I am. These feelings have grown into love. I used to look into the mirror and I thought I was ugly. Growing up with all that shame, resentment and hurt carried, stayed and affected the decisions and relationships I enter. That is why we have to thank God for Jesus because with God all of those burdens he takes away. All those yokes are no longer bonded to you, because of the debt that was paid for us at the cross.

Talking about my feelings isn’t something that I am used to. I rather avoid talking about them. I rather isolate myself from the world. But that’s how the enemy seeps in, and depression and sadness swarms in on top of that as well. Growing up in my household there was no such thing called sharing an opinion or discussing your feelings. If you were hurt then so what. Now fast forward to me being an adult, this has led to my anxiety. It has led me to being cold and distant. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable for a long time. It was such a foreign concept to me. Sharing what is going on with my feelings, what I am going through, that’s not for me. I did not want to discuss my feelings because I didn’t want to see what it is that I am really hiding. Keeping them in secrecy allows the enemy to grow and attack me because I am afraid to let go and release. Let go of my truths and any burdens of shame that I may have.

As my relationship with Christ deepens, as I continue to yearn and pray for a deeper level of intimacy with The Lord, he continues to work in me. This is how the sanctification deepens. He guts out everything that is filled with grim and darkness. Anything that could blackened the heart. God tenders the heart to the point where you lean on him, and no longer on your own understanding. The finger is pointed inward towards our behaviors or actions; withstanding how our past transgressions are shown and acted out towards others, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Forgiveness and love are the only tools we need in this world. They defeat any battle that may come across the way. Karen did conclude about how she was able to forgive those who had inflicted her, primarily her mother. Later on she was able to receive those words of kindness that she longed to hear from her mother.

God is so smart. When walking into the meeting for the first time, I was thinking like “Really God, I’m supposed to hear this now. Of all the topics, this is the one I am ending up hearing”. There is something in my heart that God is gutting out. Something that he is wrestling with me in. I trust in him. I know that God is doing the good work that he has promise to do in our lives. Trusting that work often times involves a lot of moments of vulnerability, which for me is something that I choose to not touch with a ten feet pole.

God loves me so much that he is still wrestling and tendering my heart to release all of this to him. Writing all of this out is extremely freeing because it allows me to express what I do not really want to express. The vulnerability in me continues to deepen. This journey isn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to free us, from everything that can ever try to hold us back. Thank God for Jesus, because my hopelessness now turned to hope, freedom and faith. #wontHedoit #Hejustdidit Amen.

The reason why I chose Fix You sung by Coldplay because the lyrics of the song emits the relationship that God wants to have with all of us. The relationship of repairing us. The broken pieces of our hearts are picked up by him and restore them piece-by-piece. When he is done we become more like Christ and less of ourselves and this world. God is the premier doctor than any other out there. He knows and sees our tears and it hurts him to see us go through all of this. But when we stay on the course of the light, his light and his ways and paths, then he consoles us. He is with us. He fixes us.

“Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”

Happy listening! God bless! I am here for you! Xo

[* denotes name change because of privacy]

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