I’m crying. What else is new. Tears flow because of the pain in my heart. Years of buildup and frustration. I am also extra hormonal because my hormones have been out of whack. I need you Jesus. I need you right now at this very moment because I am crying. I am coming off defensive. I am over these feelings.
I just came out a women’s ministry meeting and the guest speaker was speaking on something about her upbringing. This was my first time attending the women’s ministry meeting. I am praying and hoping that more young women around the age of 18+ can come attend and be a part of the meeting. A lot of the women who were there were much older which isn’t anything bad, but the presence of the youth adds more life.
Karen Garcia* the guest speaker discussed forgiveness. Growing up and battling the complexion issue, an issue that I too have battled with. It isn’t something that is too often spoken of. The only way that one can begin to understand forgiveness is through Jesus Christ. That is the only way that one can ever begin to let God and let go. Karen grew up in a setting where she was experiencing rejection from her family especially her mother because of her skin tone early on in age. She went on to have that fester into resentment. Later on it turned to being afraid to wear no makeup, meaning the only time she ever felt beautiful was when she was wearing some. Other times she would be afraid to walk nearby a mirror. She did not believe that she was beautiful, because her mother never gave her that affection or adoration growing up.
Regina Ann* was talking to me mentioning that it is something that I can relate to, which is true. This is my personal story as well. She brought up how I also have a complexion issue. I was not in the space to deal with hearing that. Before walking in her home, I was already dealing with attacks from the enemy. Since coming right out of the meeting I was feeling excited because I know that God has been calling me into getting involve with more ministries. I don’t know in what way, but I have faith that God is going to handle that because he is our Abba. Why the attacks? Because I am happy and I have peace. The Lord has favor on all of his children. He wants nothing but the best for them. He is the ultimate provider. The enemy attacks because it has made it its main objective to steal, kill and destroy. It thrives on the insecurities and doubts of a person.
I was alone walking from the meeting to Regina Ann’s house and that’s when the mental attacks occurred. I chose to not fester in that. I called out to the name of The Lord because there is power in the name of Jesus. I was talking, singing, and praising God. There were moments of it being done internally, but I was also doing this out loud as well. Could I have been coming off as crazy to an outsider? Perhaps; but God knows my heart. I am just being radical for Jesus. At that moment it wasn’t about how I looked, it was about turning to Jesus, especially in those darkest moments.
Walking over to Regina Ann’s house I had a conversation with God. More like I spoke and he probably looked down on me like “yeah, right”. Did I try it with God? I probably did, but thankfully God does not entertain my nonsense. Regina Ann sensed something was wrong with me when I walked in her room. I wanted to grab some stuff that I leftover and leave. My Holy Spirit was like “no, you’re not going to do that.” So I obeyed because that is what we are supposed to do; always obey The Lord, especially the Spirit of The Lord. Regina Ann asked me what the women’s ministry meeting was about since I attended. I recapped the story of the guest speaker. She then asked me another question in which I needed a moment to recall the answer. She stated that the reason why I remember the parts that I recalled to her was due to me being able to identified with it. Since it is something that I am also currently battling with.
For a while when someone would ask me where I am from, and I still do this even do this day, I would say that both my parents are from Haiti; but my mother is mixed with German, French, D.R., and White. Regina Ann would explain that to an outsider it comes off like I have identity issues. She explained how that is not how she answers the questions when asked, and her parents are mixed. I replied, “Well that’s my prerogative”. Yep, I got defensive as I explained earlier. Because I did not want to get into the topic of how I was feeling, I’ve also been dealing with the shameful memories of my upbringing.
Growing up and being teased for being Haitian was pretty intense and left my scared. I was teased for how I spoke with an accent and how I looked extremely distinctive. They’ve even said that my mom sounded funny. I’ve never discussed any of this before. A part of me has blocked this part off of my past, my shame admitting where I am from. Now God has been tendering my heart to be proud of who I am. These feelings have grown into love. I used to look into the mirror and I thought I was ugly. Growing up with all that shame, resentment and hurt carried, stayed and affected the decisions and relationships I enter. That is why we have to thank God for Jesus because with God all of those burdens he takes away. All those yokes are no longer bonded to you, because of the debt that was paid for us at the cross.
Talking about my feelings isn’t something that I am used to. I rather avoid talking about them. I rather isolate myself from the world. But that’s how the enemy seeps in, and depression and sadness swarms in on top of that as well. Growing up in my household there was no such thing called sharing an opinion or discussing your feelings. If you were hurt then so what. Now fast forward to me being an adult, this has led to my anxiety. It has led me to being cold and distant. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable for a long time. It was such a foreign concept to me. Sharing what is going on with my feelings, what I am going through, that’s not for me. I did not want to discuss my feelings because I didn’t want to see what it is that I am really hiding. Keeping them in secrecy allows the enemy to grow and attack me because I am afraid to let go and release. Let go of my truths and any burdens of shame that I may have.
As my relationship with Christ deepens, as I continue to yearn and pray for a deeper level of intimacy with The Lord, he continues to work in me. This is how the sanctification deepens. He guts out everything that is filled with grim and darkness. Anything that could blackened the heart. God tenders the heart to the point where you lean on him, and no longer on your own understanding. The finger is pointed inward towards our behaviors or actions; withstanding how our past transgressions are shown and acted out towards others, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Forgiveness and love are the only tools we need in this world. They defeat any battle that may come across the way. Karen did conclude about how she was able to forgive those who had inflicted her, primarily her mother. Later on she was able to receive those words of kindness that she longed to hear from her mother.
God is so smart. When walking into the meeting for the first time, I was thinking like “Really God, I’m supposed to hear this now. Of all the topics, this is the one I am ending up hearing”. There is something in my heart that God is gutting out. Something that he is wrestling with me in. I trust in him. I know that God is doing the good work that he has promise to do in our lives. Trusting that work often times involves a lot of moments of vulnerability, which for me is something that I choose to not touch with a ten feet pole.
God loves me so much that he is still wrestling and tendering my heart to release all of this to him. Writing all of this out is extremely freeing because it allows me to express what I do not really want to express. The vulnerability in me continues to deepen. This journey isn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to free us, from everything that can ever try to hold us back. Thank God for Jesus, because my hopelessness now turned to hope, freedom and faith. #wontHedoit #Hejustdidit Amen.
The reason why I chose Fix You sung by Coldplay because the lyrics of the song emits the relationship that God wants to have with all of us. The relationship of repairing us. The broken pieces of our hearts are picked up by him and restore them piece-by-piece. When he is done we become more like Christ and less of ourselves and this world. God is the premier doctor than any other out there. He knows and sees our tears and it hurts him to see us go through all of this. But when we stay on the course of the light, his light and his ways and paths, then he consoles us. He is with us. He fixes us.
“Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”
Happy listening! God bless! I am here for you! Xo
[* denotes name change because of privacy]