Today is one of those days I believe God is telling me to look up. I am actually hearing him as he tells me to do so. There has been a constant battle to lose any amounts of control that I have tried to withhold from God. It is crazy how you do not even realize what it is that you are doing because you are in the motions while it is happening. Then God does something amazing, he stills showers you with his love. He stills protects you and guide you. I think it is pretty deep and unfathomable at the same time. Just like how God used Regina Ann* as a vessel to break through to me how I still was not giving up or surrendering the control issues that I have over to God. I was still trying to manage it somehow.
Apparently I had gotten comfortable with the crying and mood swings that I have been experiencing lately. The smallest things told to me have triggered me. Like for instances someone’s tone or what ever it is they were trying to tell me would flare me up. I would just tear up and just curl up into a ball. Regina Ann suggested that I do something about this, because it was getting exhausting for everyone around me to deal with this.
Yesterday’s events really opened up my eyes to what I have been doing. Just yesterday I headed to the Kings County Clinic to see if there was something that I could get for the mood swings.
The ladies at the front receptionist desk basically scared me off from going to the “R” building. The building that requires doctors to give you a psych evaluation. The mental disturbed I was informed practically lives there. Then I was also told that once “you get in, there’s no chance that you’ll be let out”. That sent me into slight panic mood. So I ended up heading back home. Later that night it hit me that God was testing me to see how big or strong my faith is in him. I failed. I missed the mark. I literally prayed this out to God apologizing and just repenting. This control mentality that I have, I am fully letting go of. For all we know God wanted me to enter that particular building to show how big God is; instead I diminish him. I thought that I had control of the situation when I currently as you can see I don’t. But God still loves me. I am so unworthy of his love, but he still pours his grace and mercy on me.
I am writing this down that as of today I am fully surrendering all of my control over to God. All of the things that I used as a sense of security come to an end because God is bigger. I need to be uncomfortable that is the only way I can continue to grow as a vessel, as a daughter to the King. That is the only way I am going to stay looking up by solely focusing and fixing my eyes on God.
Then there is also another thing that I have been battling with, the “But Me” complex. I just wrote a prayer out the other day, in regards to this because this is something God has been wrestling with me to stop comparing. Stop looking around to see what it is that everybody has and pout or cry over something that I was not meant to have or deal with.
The biggest so far is dealing with my virginity. Yeah, I am still a virgin. Yeah, they still have them in 2014. I am writing to say that I am proud to be one of them. It is a gift for my future husband. But it is a gift to be able to say that I am a virgin. For the longest time I was ashamed to admit this or even speak of it. I used to feel left out because I thought that I was a weirdo who was still a virgin, while everyone was hooking up left and right.
Before Regina Ann came into my life I was surrounded by people who I thought were my friends and apparently they were not. They told me “no man would ever be with me because of who I am”. It was crushing to see how they really felt and saw me. They did not like that I was different from them. Because looking back its something that they realize that they could never get back. Once you start having sex with a man that you were not spiritual lead into a marriage with, you can never undo what has been done. At the time I was not thinking that way. I felt that I was left out and had to prove that I could “fit in”. It is sad to say that there have been several attempts when situations could have arisen; but thank God that he loves me so, that he intervened every single time. I am so unworthy of God’s love and can not even to begin comprehend all that he does. But I am grateful that God intervene on my life.
Shame and fear are the language of the enemy. Why was I ashamed or fearful of these particular moments that occurred in my life because I was not in the mental space to understand what God has spared me from with the mood swings and the whole me being a control nut.
The wavering in me has to end. I cannot want to be a vessel and a servant to God, and go back and forth on when I decide to have faith in The Lord. That is not how a relationship with Christ should be. When I was ashamed about whom I was and the fact that I am a virgin, I did not consider the fact that God saved me from unplanned pregnancies, a STD or even AIDS/HIV. Then there’s the fact that I did not allowed God to wrestle with me.
God does not want us to worry about anything. We often forget that worrying is a sin. We are actually telling God that we do not trust in his plans for us and where he wants to take us. It is saddening to know that this is what our actions represents and how hurting it is to God.
God is going to open doors, but he wants to work in us before we enter into those doors that he has for us. What I am saying is that this must stop. I need to take a more active approach. I want God to push me so far out of my comfort zone that the only thing I will do is hear that voice that will tell me to look up.
I hope this post touches you out there my siblings in Christ, because when we enter into these traps or moments in our lives it is because we failed at remembering who God is, the Redeemer. Do not succumb to the lies of this world, live for Jesus only. He is the best way. He will always pick you up and carry you through it all. I am stopping with the wavering in my faith. I am choosing Jesus over everything, because in him is where all things lie. In him is where good things occur. He is the safe haven that I shall always run to. The more I give it to Abba, the more I allow him in and into my heart. That is where I want him to remain. God has saved me from so much. The fact that I was telling him “But Me” hurt me to see how foolish and selfish I have been. I may need to see a specialist, and that is okay. I know that God willing be healing me along the way.
If there isn’t anything that I have not learned is that your virginity/purity is a gift to be shared with the person that God is calling you to have that matrimonial walk with. If my future husband is out there reading this, he now knows that I have not ever been intimate with a man. I am in awe God saved me to give this special gift to my husband because he is worth the wait. #DearFutureHusband I ❤ U.
Forgive Me by Tenth Avenue North sang recorded this on their Islands EP. It is a song of repentance that we often have to ask of from God. Before getting saved and being baptized on June 1, 2014, I was doing so many foolish things with my heart. And then now that I am living the life of the anew it is living like a newborn. I have to be taught all over again new Godly habits, because the habits that I had prior definitely were not. God sees all things even when we were running away from him. He was still trying to get our attention; he was still trying to get us to be the light in the world full of darkness. God forgives us, which is why he is so merciful and faithful. The band of this amazing group expresses what it is that we sinners go through on this journey. The pain that we experience along the way but one thing that will always remain is the God is the light of everything good and full of love that is in our hearts. Amen.
“Forgive me, forgive me, Lord
For living like I'm not yours
I forget how kind You are
You are light for my foolish heart”
Thanks for reading! Happy Listening! God Bless! Xo