I have been having some serious writer’s block to the point that I was beginning to be afraid to write, to express how I feel of what is going on inside of me. So much has occurred in my life these last several months and to be honest I can’t even began to recall every event, but the one thing that has remained constant is my deeper need of relying on Jesus.
Lately I have been receiving counseling due to the nature of my severe depression and PTSD. I admitted myself to seek help because I was realizing more and more that something was off in me. Regina Ann* was also seeing that I was often experiencing mood swings that would appear from one emotion to the next. Walking in to the center had to be the most unpredictable thing that I have ever done in my life. The reason why I say that is because I truly thought that I could live without resolving some of the issues from my past. I do not know why, I thought this, but God intervene in on this thinking of mine.
Seeking counseling began the journey for towards speaking about my past and taking responsibility for certain decisions that I have made in my life. Learning to make peace with my past has rippled in the way I see my future but also understanding why God allowed certain instances to occur in my life. Throughout these past couple of months, I cannot even begin to count the number of times I cried to God asking him to remove the tons and pounds of bitterness and hurt that I held in my heart. This heavy burden that I was carrying with me for many years in my life not only weighted me down but it also crippled me from surrendering my all to God. I did not even realize how holding on to this burden was a part of my control habit that I performed with. I needed to be able to “control” how I forgave. Seeing how my actions and decisions lead to a level of expectations on man, but also spiraled me towards the severity of my depression.
The reason why I am having writer’s blocks is because there is shame that I carry in me with the diagnosis that I was given. For quite some time now I was doing everything that I could to find a way towards quickly healing. That did not work; in fact God did everything in his power to slow me down where I am constantly learning and practicing stillness. That in it-self is an everyday decision to lean on my own understanding or choosing to be lead by the Holy Spirit. I carry shame for the fact that I am on medication, for my guilt that I was walking around with and also towards where I am at in my life. I often times get very frustrated at God, asking him why is he allowing all of this to happen to me. I often just do everything that I can do be defiant, but God being the Heavenly Father that he is, intervenes and protects me.
This level of vulnerability that God is leading me to do is something that I have been avoiding for many months now because I truly thought I did not have to speak on this anymore. I can now talk about anything or everything else except for my truths that I have suppress for many years. My emotions that for so long I had never vocalized before, and now being accountable to do this not by only my therapist but also my best friend lead to revelations not only about myself, but also learning how to communicate on a more intimate level with God. These revelations have led me to prayer and communicating with God like never before, in ways of worship, towards gratefulness, but also understanding obedience and thanksgiving. Speaking up is hard for me, it is something that I avoid doing, and God is stretching me in this area which is why I would tune the world out and just live in my room with my iPod, isolating myself and suppressing what was going on inside of me.
There is a song that Lauren Daigle called “Once And For All” that resonates with this temporary season that I am in; although, there are days were it does not seem temporary, The Lord tells us this in 2 Thessalonians 3:16; how the Lord gives us peace and is with us in every circumstance. Meaning we have to give it to God and not become fixated on our problems. Again, that can often be easier said then done, that is why we have to surrender to God daily.
In Daigle’s amazing song, her lyrics resonate with how I have to push towards the depression and PTSD to give God everything that I have been trying to hold on to for so long. Often times because depression is what I know, happiness can be something that I am afraid to experience. That is why I cannot do it on my own. I will always need the help and the right hand of Jesus. The days when I think I can handle things is when things are completely out of order and I am left asking God to take over, to help me to lay it down at his feet.
God I give You all I can today
These scattered ashes that I hid away
I lay them all at Your feet
From the corners of my deepest shame
The empty places where I’ve worn Your name
Show me the love I say I believe
Oh Help me to lay it down
Oh Lord I lay it down