Autumn/fall equates a new season of new changes and new beginnings. Fall always meant the end of the year is approaching; and I have always began to contemplate what is it I have not yet done that I need to start doing before the new year rings in. This always used to happen for me. I begin to get involved in situations or dynamics that I have no business being involved in. The thing is I was putting my self on a clock. Now this has all happened before I got saved. Now fall to me still represents new changes, new seasons, and new opportunities, but there is no clock. Just God taking me back to his “beginnings”
This past Friday was an example of that. The way that I met God; yes, it was that way. I met him, because he was always there wanting on me to meet him for my walls and surrendering to occur. It’s interesting how that occurs. There is a song that I am listening to which is called “Promise I always will” by Steffany Gretzinger.
The song starts with “take me back to the beginning to when love was patient and love was kind”. That was how the surrendering felt. The beginning of when I first felt that occurrence from God. The beginning where I was weeping like a child to a father, releasing the hurt that just occurred. I was releasing storage hurt from 20+ years. That is a lot of suppression. And time after time I would just keep this hurt inside, hiding behind it and not allowing anyone in. But God knew. He knew it all. He saw it all. So on Friday it was like him reminding me that he will not allow me to go to this new season with the storage of hurt. Whatever that was still there, I literally weep, prayed, and gave it all to God. I had a conversation with him, just truly letting him in all that was going on with me. See God knows everything about his children, but he still wants his children to tell him everything about them. That is the father and child dynamic that God has with us.
Like Gretzinger sings, God “promises that he will always love us”. He will still call us his chosen people. The suppression was for a long while what I knew and was tangible for me. It was a familiarity of how I can control my relationship with God and others. More like keep myself at bay from others. That was something that I became unable to do. God would intervene. He began to fulfill his promises in me. It became fall again and I would no longer can hold on to things that I was familiar with. A new me had come in, and a new season had begun. This work that God does in us, it changes us from the inside out. God never leaves us alone, that is also another of his promises. His words say “He who began a good work in you will complete it until the return of Christ”. That is his promise of always loving us. The fact that I sense the shedding that he is doing me. Emptying me, breaking me, to build me and fill me with all that is of him, is his promise to his children.
“Back to the place when we first started, when we weren’t too proud to change our minds”. That was like the eager beaver Wynee, who would say yes to everything that God told her to do. The beginning is the reset for me. The reset is where I have to go to constantly draw closer to God, but also trust in him when he says give up control and the hurts in exchange for his peace. You know sometimes we do not even realize that we are resisting God’s peace. We are instead fighting him on this because unhappiness and bitterness is all that we know. We can often be afraid to have peace, because that would mean that we would be changing. No longer recognizing who we used to be. I was starting to change and I felt it. I was releasing hurt and pain, and giving it onto the Lord.
The thing is I did not like the way the process looked. I did not liked how sensitive I was becoming not only to myself, but also towards others. There would be triggers that would get me to reveal how hurt I was from a particular moment from my past that I did not share with anyone, but God used my sisters Regina Ann* and Micah* to be there every single time. And I do mean every single time. Never have I had that before. It was a bit overwhelming for me. I was used to crying myself to sleep or in a corner somewhere hiding. Hiding from others because I falsely believed that they would never be there for me. I will never know, but I am grateful that God does not allow my past to define my blessings. He is so patient and kind like that. His promise over me life is bigger than I can even imagine; I don’t even know the half. It would blow my mind away. Thankfully Abba does it in dosages that he knows I can handle. The light that he guides my path with revealing little by little along the way is because of his promises and unfailing love.
“Watch our love grow deeper”. That does occur. It happens every time we shed. Every time God has us meet him, and then the releasing occurs. There is new layer of peace right after. Then we sense our love for God just growing deeper. Even more intimate than before. Even more closer than before. Even more special than before. The relationship between God and us just reminds us of how his love is truly patient and kind, and truly how much he loves us.
“Take me back to the beginning
And I would look You in the eye
There was no such thing as a cold shoulder
And we lived within Your hands in mine”
Theses in lines in the song by Gretzinger stood out to me because it is the exact way that God wants to consistently be in a relationship with us. God will never gives us a cold shower, because loves keeps no records of wrongs. He will always takes us back to the beginning of newness so that we are not experiencing new wine in old wine skins. The beginning is where we were humble and meek. Going lower and trusting God. The beginning is where we sought daily peace, and surrendering control. The beginning is where God always meet us. I am grateful that God takes me back to the beginning because he wants to hold my hands there. He wants to comfort me there. Telling and showing me that he is always there, and that he has me. The beginning is where we seek his face and want to feel his breath. His love can always be found there. I want to be unafraid of going to the beginning, and I know day by day as I seek the Lord, he shows me how.
This song to me is a reminder to trust that God will always catch us. Will always remind us who he is. Gretzinger’s lyrics resonates what fall is all about, when she sings take me back, I take it as before God wants me into a new season or period of my life, He has to take me back to remind me who he is; The Great I am! Then I step into that new season of fall. The new beginnings, then I go back to praises and worshipping the Lord’s name for how he loves me so much that he will not allow me to be selfless, but instead kind and sweet. Giving him all of us and just telling us in exchange “ and I love you, I promise I always will’.
Thanks for reading. Xo.
(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)