Wyn's Playlist

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Through and Through — November 28, 2015

Through and Through

Last night was amazing God! Naomi* Regina Ann* and I went to Christ Tabernacle to see pastor Tim Ross preach. His sermon God was amazing. He spoke on the book of John chapter 11 and just really hit some points about the bondage through the story of Lazarus being risen from the dead. 

But Tim Ross took it deeper than the typical Jesus commanding Lazarus to arise. The stone that was rolled away from the tomb that he was in. The bondage and wrappings that he was in could’ve hindered him from going to Jesus: but instead Lazarus found a way to reach Jesus whether he inched or wormed his way to Jesus, Lazarus’ walk to Christ is somehow similar to our walk with Christ. Jesus telling us to arise because we are no longer dead but with all the bondage and wrappings that we carry we have to inch our way to him. God knows that this is something that I’ve been wrestling and dealing with. 

This blog is hard for me to write because I’m still dealing with several issues from my past. Currently I’m dealing with the issue of accountability, responsibility, and facing the facts. 

My issues have stem from growing up and the inability to afford to be in trouble in any such way in school or anywhere. With school it was the worst. If I even got a letter sent home I would be in trouble. I hated getting in trouble with my parents because it would often resulted in beatings and just a complete put down. I hated how they would side would the teachers over me no matter what I try to say or do. The thing was they trusted the words of the instructor over me is how it felt. 
Fast forward to now as an adult where they are so many issues that have resulted from just the dealings of my past. Whenever I hear the words: can we talk, from a subordinate, I immediately flashback to going to the principal’s office and then the time again to the dean’s office and almost getting suspended; and God intervened every single time. Or the time when I got a phone called home by my teacher, and I got punch by dad both in the face and chest. It was rough. I would have the feeling of being knocked out. I would have my mother tell me that this is who my father is. I would hear so much nonsense, but none was accountability. I hated getting those calls and warnings it makes me feel like I’m going to get in trouble and have to answer to my parents, when I am an adult who has to deal with accountability and responsibility for my actions. I hated having to take blame because that would mean that I did something wrong, and if I did something wrong that would mean I wasn’t bright enough to recognize what not to do to get in trouble.

This all created other battles with perfectionism; which I can never be. The other is the battle of legalism doing things because of rules and codes. The trouble with my past is that I have now seen how it trickles into my present.

Just today I was crying and it was over a situation that I am going to have to deal with at my job that I truly am getting anxiety about. The thing is I felt like that girl again. The girl who is now in trouble with her parents when she gets home and will get beaten. I saw that girl in the corner of Regina Ann’s* room. Full of anxiety because she has to face her parents. One day I had to be on my knees on the kitchen floor with my arms folded across my chest because I got a letter sent home. Another time my mom hit me with a belt because out of frustration with how I was doing in school. My head got pushed in by the pointy centerpiece that was on the dinning room table by mom. These were some of the things that occurred when I was in trouble so naturally that also occurred with everything like simply doing my homework because I would get in trouble for having sloppy handwriting. It’s really hard to accept being an adult and acknowledging my mistakes some days when I am carrying that bondage around my back.

When I first felt like this I brushed it off. I’ve been brushing this off for many years to the point it has become me. That was something that Tim Ross point out last night about Lazarus’ death and how Jesus took four days to visit him. In four days the body undergoes rigors mortis and the bandages that are wrapped around the skin becomes one with the flesh. That was what was going on with me. That is what I am now having to come face to face with accountability.

Then there’s the fact that I am calling out to God to create his miraculous wonders that he always does, but that’s asking for God to do things my way. Asking God to cover up and hide the fact that this is something that I have to face. Like the song Through and Through by Will Reagan 

“You see me, and you know me, and you love me through and through”. 

That is what God continues to tell me as a roll away the stone. That same stone that was instructed by Jesus to be rolled away so that he could command Lazarus to arise so that he could walk to Jesus in whatever shape or form, is the same stone that I have began to roll away so that I can inch worm or hop, or crawl my way to Jesus with the bondage that I am carrying. 
Jesus loves me through and through because “I found that I’m safe and warm in your loving arms”. His love for me doesn’t change because of my shortcomings, in fact his love covers them so that I can grow and be more like him and less like the world. The fact that Jesus sees me is greater than anything. God loves me “through and through” that’s all that matters as I lay this burden and bondage at the king of kings feet. The wrappings are now starting to unpeeled from my skin. No longer am I hiding from my responsibility or consequences but facing them. 

Like facing the accountability and consequences of talking about Anderson* and Derek* especially since my feelings with Jackson* are growing and he’s going to have to know about all of this. 

Yes it’s the same Anderson that hurt Regina Ann. This dude literally tried to destroy the friendship and sisterhood that she and I were going to be blessed with. But what God has for you it’s for you. That is why I would call him the Devil. Because he would just try to ruin us, and he even did so by getting involved with me to the point where he and I almost had sex. 

One night we had met up and we went to a club and danced for a bit I believe. We started drinking and that is usually the beginning of destruction. Then one thing led to another we started making out. It was starting to get intense between us so that lead him to suggest that we go somewhere. I was really tipsy so I thought we were just having a good time and then we heading back to our workspace. The next thing I know we are in a closet and he starts touching me down in my private area. Then he starts touching me in my chest area. He was imagining what he was going to do to me and then he pulls out his penis. I immediately sobered up. He gets upset because he thought that we were going to have sex and at that moment I truly believed God sobered me up and reminded me that I am saving myself for marriage, which I still am. 

Then Anderson being upset leads me to touching his penis and jerking him off. That was all that I did. He made sure that he finished me off with an orgasm. He also came. I was grossed out because I immediately realized that I didn’t want to be doing this. I didn’t want to walk into a situation that was going to almost have me hand over my purity like a baggage at the airport. I told him to not mention this to anyone and he said to who Regina Ann, no. Why would I do that? Looking back on it I should’ve known that he mentioned that to me because he was dating her. 
That’s right Anderson was dating Regina Ann the same guy that he and I were talking and got involved with. I definitely told Regina Ann about this the following year later after I was forced out from the job the three of us all worked at. It got messy because he would lie to her and tell her that nothing happened between us, while I was telling the truth like yes something went down and you can’t trust this man. She believed him for a long time over me. 

Then there’s Derek a guy that I knew since high school that had a hold on me that I couldn’t break free from for the years. He always danced around the topic of when he and I would every enter a relationship. The man had a hold on me that lasted over a decade and I couldn’t break free from him until literally when Regina Ann and I started becoming best friends. He just toyed with my emotions. 
Like Anderson was just interested in seeing how good I was, but Derek God stopped me from thinking that he was worth me losing my virginity to. 

Both men had also tried to destroy me or keep me in captivity with the idea that something could happen between us. I was played by them. But above all protected by God. 
“You see me, and you know me, and you love me through and through”
The accountability and responsibility stone is being rolled away. I am taking ownerships of my actions and trusting in God with the consequences. 

Tim Ross added an antidote when he was preaching last night he stated “that no matter what we go through in life Jesus is still Lord,” which is true. No matter what God gets all the glory. If Jackson has to find out about all of this I an not afraid of telling him any more because I know that he will be equip to handle my truths. 

God has me, but if Jackson said no to me no because of my testimony Jesus is still Lord. The stone is rolled away so that he can arise the Lazarus that’s in me to be alive and come forth to him. 
Thanks for reading! Thanks for listening to my playlist! 

Blessings! Xo 

(*Denotes name changed for privacy reasons)

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Constant One — November 26, 2015

Constant One

Constant One by Steffany Gretzinger from her The Undoing album has been replaying in my mind for quite some time now. It’s seems that God has been hinting to me that I’m due for another blog, but honestly he knows that I don’t want to write about how I feel at the current moment.

How it’s the Thanksgiving Holiday and how the day has started with my father lying to someone who is practically dealing with an ailing health. Why does this bother me because I see where my pathological abilities of lying stems from.

These roots of where these horrible traits from are not something to brag about. They are constantly getting worse. In fact the thing is constant one aka father God, they have been noticed for a while now by my friends as something that I have been doing. My mother who I just caught in a lie because she was defending my father’s lie said she doesn’t want to deal with anyone so that is why she lied. But the thing is my mom lied to her own daughter.

That’s the thing when will the lie end huh constant one?

It’s amazing how you take me just for who I am….” It truly is Bc I don’t know how you could since I have some innate pathological horrible qualities. Many have started to become annoyed with me because they do not see how these are qualities that I lived with but never acknowledge until now God. Then there’s the fact that the stem of these lies are from both sides of my parental. I don’t know which is worse my mom or dad. Because they both have lied to me numerous times growing up sad to say. It’s something that I have just lived it since its normal to time.

In the moment I am hiding You seeks me out.” That’s how I feel in the holidays now. I’m no longer that nine year girl giddy with life. The bubble has pop. You burst it God. I can’t hide behind her and wanting to turn back time to a point where I didn’t see all of this. I don’t know how to stop lying. I’ve tried several times, but it’s not working out. I need you. I’m calling on you. It seems that there is a mark that I am missing. An arrow that I’m not following because the lies are now being caught. This is what you want isn’t father God?

And You hold me, and You know from the inside out.” That’s a pity because I way too hard on myself. You must be in heaven with a deep sigh every time I put myself down. I just want to stop that as well. Like just the other day, someone complimented on my bone structure. I replied by saying “what, what bones?” You must have deep sighed at me and said “why my daughter?”

I don’t know why abba, maybe because still the thing to do in my household. There’s a thing that happens when a parent gives a backhand compliment but there’s always a dig behind it. Maybe that’s why I can give out shade for days. Maybe that’s why I don’t know if someone is really complimenting me just because they are giving them out and decided to be nice so that I don’t feel left out. I stop fishing for compliments. I stop looking at my beauty. I stop trying. And then

“There is no place that I could run that You won’t chase me down, You won’t chase me down

And there is no place that I could hide that I will not be found, I will not be found”

It’s like you are working in my God because of all the sudden I’m wearing heels lately. Like what? When did my feet supernaturally could do that? Only you God! Someone has been praying!

My pathologically qualities I just give them to you God. All I can do is pray for parents but I know that the harder that I pray it will get worse before it gets better. My friends may not understand me. They may not want to deal with this, but heal there heart God. I pray that they can reach to that level of forgiveness and grace that you are using my walk and testimony teach them to do. It’s easier said than done to be Christ like because there is always a moment that has someone in the “oh no” mood. But you are the “faithful Constant One, who is like you God?

I’m praying for my own forgiveness towards my parents. I am praying for just grace that is “like a river can’t be stopped.” I’m praying for patience, for mercy. For everything that God can provide that doesn’t result in me walking away from a conversation on a holiday afternoon. My parents may not see the harm in the ways, but I have to reconsider and recognize the faults in mines. I cannot think it’s okay to just not be there for someone and lie about it. I have to understand what being there for someone is, it’s selfless. Seems like something that I stopped doing because of the multiples times my kindness was mistake for weakness. So God you probably have seen me project my past hurts unto my present friendships. It’s like why did you allow for this to happen God.

Just the other day I ran into someone who I thought was my friend, but then when running into her I see how she never was, was she God? She was stringing me along. She was lying about what I thought was a genuine sisterhood. Another surrounding of pathological dynamics. There seems to be many of it that I was in co-habitant with. But what happens when you’re no longer in the realm of lies and deceit. What I have been accustom to has now become skin that I must shed.

So Constant One “in the valleys, in the mountains” just search me oh Lord. Move me out of your way. Seek my heart and just remove all that is pathologically wrong. Remove what is not of you.

Thank you Constant One because “Your mercy’s like the sun, always rising over us.” Amen

Thanks for reading! Happy Thanksgiving!
Blessings!! Xo

Touch The Sky  — November 14, 2015

Touch The Sky 

“I touch the sky when my feet hit the ground“. I have not been doing much of this, praying. I have just recently started to go back to it. Praying to God and thanking him for his grace. The same grace that I need to give others, as they so graciously given me. 

Lately I have been feeling so bothersome by everything. Seeing everyone around me be able to get bless while I feel that I am still suffering is quite annoying. It brings out an ugly hate in me. Like why is this person who is a brother or sister in Christ mind you; can be able to have whatever it is that is truly blessing them while I am suffering and do not have any luxuries. I am literally sounding ungrateful and I fully know this. There is no logical explanation for it just in my mind. The thing is I’m so angry and have to much hurt and suppression from years of past hurts. I often see how when I get comfortable and get into this state of mind where I am alone and no one can bother me.  

That is something that God is wrestling out of me, thinking that I’m alone Bc then it becomes easier to not get hurt or blindsided by others. I truly believe that there are things that I am slowly seeing within my self. Such as how I am treating others with bullying reactionary treatment that I do and it’s so unfair to them. Why, do I do this? Because I so badly am still fighting on letting go of being the little girl who was teased or bullied from growing up. So I hated the feeling of not being able to fit in.

 I hated the feeling of everyone being able to learn all the cool stuff or go to fanciest places, when I was at home in my room watching movies because I was so afraid that if I did those stuff then my parents would kick me out, and then where would I go when I barely have a close knitted family to begin with. 

It’s so overwhelming to describe that burden that I carried. I was bullied by those closest to me, so I in return do to the same to those who are closest to me. Ironic isn’t it? You become what you most detest. So what happens now? What now can I do or say that has not already been said? The waterfall of tears that I cried what do they mean if I’m getting worse? If there’s an ugly in me that I don’t even recognize, then how can I say I’m sorry because I am? But all I know to do is isolate so that I don’t let this “shewolf” out. It feels like I’m some type of hypocrite that can call people fake when what I am doing is no better, in fact it’s worse. Do you know that I what to have a mental breakdown or experience an eating disorder so that I can fit in. That’s how twisted I am.

 I so badly want to relate to others and how they can talk to one another. NO ONE IS TALKING TO ME GOD!!! No one is able to understand the pain of being so depressed that no medication being prescribed has shown to be working. No one is…..that’s my go to saying, and then I get from all around “you have to look up”……there’s a feeling that I get where I don’t know how to look up. Yeah there’s the “Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender”; but since doing it things have worsen. I have slipped up on making time to read the word or connect with God. I would wake up and mediate on his word, and now I am not doing that because of the lame excuse of how I am struggling to wake up in the morning. 

It’s so sad that “the gift of freedom gold can’t buy”, is something that I’m not actively pursuing. So why save me God when you know my heart and know that I can create worldwide destruction if I didn’t have you. Why continue to love me when I am incapable of loving myself. Like I want to experience brokenness and tangible just so that I can fit in. But you are telling me that no matter what you will “come sweep me up in YOUR LOVE again…on the wings of forever”. Don’t you understand God that I’m a screw up. 
I am someone who is battling to be happy because sadness and disparity is all I know. I know broken for myself, but want healing for others. I don’t know what else to say to you Abba, I don’t know what is next in this relationship. I may have just been so far away from you. 

The song Touch The Sky by Hillsong United describes the joy that comes from surrendering to God. There is joy. Everytime I listen to the song I wonder how to “touch the sky”. Is there really an “upward falling, spirit soaring” that I can experience? Because I need it. So I can go down head first unafraid. After what I have been doing lately something has got to give. Something has got to go. And I don’t know what that may be, but I am going to start praying without ceasing until it’s removed from me. Pray for me my beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ. Pray that this is no longer something that I carry in to any environment or relationship. It just needs to end. I want it to end or do I? Am I being fancy with words or do I truly want God’s hands on my mind, spirit and soul. I pray you see that writing this is about a girl who is battling the effects of unresolved issues. This is how it looks on me, this is my story “of how I would brought the world and sold my heart”; but God is telling me to listen to his song 

“What treasure waits within YOUR scars 

You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing 

I found my life when I laid it down

Upward falling, spirit soaring

I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground” 



Thanks for reading! Happy listening and stay bless! Xo

Worth — November 11, 2015

Worth

You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life….” the intro verse of Worth by Anthony Brown & Group TherAPy Lyrics describes what sanctification is, the daily changing of my life. God came and turn everything that I knew upside down, and literally am telling me to trust him as he works in me. That is the constant struggle for me it seems to trust God wholeheartedly. I often doubt his love for me. I often doubt what he has promised or wanting me to start leading into what draws me closer to him. The thing is why did you God thought that I was saving? When I am so tangible. When I am leaning on everything that I know instead of being active in pursuing you. How can you spend your precious time on me, when I am constantly failing to see what I am doing wrong, and being in the way of my blessings. Resulting in me blocking myself from them.

“You thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside…” this is the phase of where I am at with God. He is cleaning me up inside as he deems that I am worth keeping.  The space where the tangible is what I know, where God is at the supernatural. Lately I have been in a loop that constantly keeps me from growing or even being held accountable for my actions. I truly am at a phase where God is saying I want to clean you up on the insides, but you are not drawing closer to me. I will still clean you up even though you are avoiding this from happening. This phase is where I am blocking God blessings on my life. I avoid this through running. I have been begging God for a vacation. Somewhere, anywhere that I can get reprieve and relaxation. Somewhere when God will meet me and understand how tired I am, and how I need just one good night sleep. Somewhere that is not in the room that I live in. Somewhere that does not have people. Somewhere I can cry my troubles, pain and worriedness quietly. Somewhere where no one can tell me what I do not what to hear, but I am also able to slow down or stop the many thoughts that I often get. I want to go on a vacation because I truly believe that it will bring me closer to God. I did not want to see that it is me running. Did not see that it is me not wanting to seek spiritual counseling. I was over needing more help. It makes me feel Abba that I am some damaged canned goods remaining on the shelf while all the other canned goods get chosen. What a warped mindset right? Exactly how it gets sometimes with God. In doing this I am choosing on leaning on my own understanding. Trusting only myself. Sponging off of others.

Not wanting to change is probably what it may look like. I have to say this all makes perfect sense to me to sponge off others for a very long time. It was what I would use to learn about whom Wynee is and why Wynee is like this. But for every action there is a reaction. A consequence for the decisions that I have taken. They even are affecting my walk with Jackson*. They are affecting my dynamics with everyone around me, even with my best friends Regina Ann*, Naomi*, and Daniel*. They constantly have to repeat themselves to me and they are at a point where my words do not mean anything. That is crushing to hear how my words do not mean a thing, since I have not been able to back them up. The excuses that I have made apparently have been one too many times. And then to hear the words of the song say “so you cleaned me out inside” where is the actual clean up God? How come there more of me wrecking and damaging relationships and possibly my future with Jackson than there is newness and a clean up that leads to building, but tearing down.

Where is that opportunity for you choosing to keep me? Where is that option because I want it? But then is this another one of my excuses. I am so mental that I do not even know what I want. All I want is to worship you Abba. All I want is the breakthrough that will break the glass box that I placed myself in. That is thing. I want God’s will for my life, but then to hear that I am in my own way makes me realize that there is something off with me, and wants me to just stop trying. Is that what you want God? Is that what you are asking of me to stop trying, will that lead me to trusting you more? I actively want to do so. I actively want to trust you more and want to get out of my own way. So even though I do not want to seek spiritual counseling I will do it because it is actively pursuing you. I pray for you to lead me to the person that I am suppose to do it with. I am leaning to trust you more

“So I could be free

So I could be whole

So I could tell everyone I know”

How you walked me through this season. I am having a mustard seed of faith in leaning on you. I am surrounded by hurt. So I figured the begged vacation is what will give me a chance to come up with a plan on how to get out of the environment. I thought that you were not moving things the way that I wanted. You are more concern on my insides when I’m more concern on my outsides. That is where we battle isn’t it God? The battle of how you no longer want me to tangible. You are supernatural, you are invisible, and somehow along the way I slid back into what I know. I dug myself in the space of what can benefit Wynee in every shape and form. So now there is the fact that “you thought I was to die for, so you sacrificed your life”, knowing that I would be having this post up today explaining how much you need to consistently come into my life and clean me up on the insides. What can I do but just supernaturally trust. Something that I heard little when growing up, but then again that is what trips me up thinking or relying on what I know from a broken past, instead of a bright future. I want Jackson in my life, so God whatever you have me do to ensure that our walk is spiritually bonded is what I say yes to. The same goes for Regina Ann*, Naomi, and Daniel*.

So I could be free

So I could be whole

So I could tell everyone I know

You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life.

Thanks for reading! Be Bless and stay prayed Up! Xo

(*denotes name changed for privacy reasons)

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