“You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life….” the intro verse of Worth by Anthony Brown & Group TherAPy Lyrics describes what sanctification is, the daily changing of my life. God came and turn everything that I knew upside down, and literally am telling me to trust him as he works in me. That is the constant struggle for me it seems to trust God wholeheartedly. I often doubt his love for me. I often doubt what he has promised or wanting me to start leading into what draws me closer to him. The thing is why did you God thought that I was saving? When I am so tangible. When I am leaning on everything that I know instead of being active in pursuing you. How can you spend your precious time on me, when I am constantly failing to see what I am doing wrong, and being in the way of my blessings. Resulting in me blocking myself from them.
“You thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside…” this is the phase of where I am at with God. He is cleaning me up inside as he deems that I am worth keeping. The space where the tangible is what I know, where God is at the supernatural. Lately I have been in a loop that constantly keeps me from growing or even being held accountable for my actions. I truly am at a phase where God is saying I want to clean you up on the insides, but you are not drawing closer to me. I will still clean you up even though you are avoiding this from happening. This phase is where I am blocking God blessings on my life. I avoid this through running. I have been begging God for a vacation. Somewhere, anywhere that I can get reprieve and relaxation. Somewhere when God will meet me and understand how tired I am, and how I need just one good night sleep. Somewhere that is not in the room that I live in. Somewhere that does not have people. Somewhere I can cry my troubles, pain and worriedness quietly. Somewhere where no one can tell me what I do not what to hear, but I am also able to slow down or stop the many thoughts that I often get. I want to go on a vacation because I truly believe that it will bring me closer to God. I did not want to see that it is me running. Did not see that it is me not wanting to seek spiritual counseling. I was over needing more help. It makes me feel Abba that I am some damaged canned goods remaining on the shelf while all the other canned goods get chosen. What a warped mindset right? Exactly how it gets sometimes with God. In doing this I am choosing on leaning on my own understanding. Trusting only myself. Sponging off of others.
Not wanting to change is probably what it may look like. I have to say this all makes perfect sense to me to sponge off others for a very long time. It was what I would use to learn about whom Wynee is and why Wynee is like this. But for every action there is a reaction. A consequence for the decisions that I have taken. They even are affecting my walk with Jackson*. They are affecting my dynamics with everyone around me, even with my best friends Regina Ann*, Naomi*, and Daniel*. They constantly have to repeat themselves to me and they are at a point where my words do not mean anything. That is crushing to hear how my words do not mean a thing, since I have not been able to back them up. The excuses that I have made apparently have been one too many times. And then to hear the words of the song say “so you cleaned me out inside” where is the actual clean up God? How come there more of me wrecking and damaging relationships and possibly my future with Jackson than there is newness and a clean up that leads to building, but tearing down.
Where is that opportunity for you choosing to keep me? Where is that option because I want it? But then is this another one of my excuses. I am so mental that I do not even know what I want. All I want is to worship you Abba. All I want is the breakthrough that will break the glass box that I placed myself in. That is thing. I want God’s will for my life, but then to hear that I am in my own way makes me realize that there is something off with me, and wants me to just stop trying. Is that what you want God? Is that what you are asking of me to stop trying, will that lead me to trusting you more? I actively want to do so. I actively want to trust you more and want to get out of my own way. So even though I do not want to seek spiritual counseling I will do it because it is actively pursuing you. I pray for you to lead me to the person that I am suppose to do it with. I am leaning to trust you more
“So I could be free
So I could be whole
So I could tell everyone I know”
How you walked me through this season. I am having a mustard seed of faith in leaning on you. I am surrounded by hurt. So I figured the begged vacation is what will give me a chance to come up with a plan on how to get out of the environment. I thought that you were not moving things the way that I wanted. You are more concern on my insides when I’m more concern on my outsides. That is where we battle isn’t it God? The battle of how you no longer want me to tangible. You are supernatural, you are invisible, and somehow along the way I slid back into what I know. I dug myself in the space of what can benefit Wynee in every shape and form. So now there is the fact that “you thought I was to die for, so you sacrificed your life”, knowing that I would be having this post up today explaining how much you need to consistently come into my life and clean me up on the insides. What can I do but just supernaturally trust. Something that I heard little when growing up, but then again that is what trips me up thinking or relying on what I know from a broken past, instead of a bright future. I want Jackson in my life, so God whatever you have me do to ensure that our walk is spiritually bonded is what I say yes to. The same goes for Regina Ann*, Naomi, and Daniel*.
So I could be free
So I could be whole
So I could tell everyone I know
You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life.
Thanks for reading! Be Bless and stay prayed Up! Xo
(*denotes name changed for privacy reasons)