“I touch the sky when my feet hit the ground“. I have not been doing much of this, praying. I have just recently started to go back to it. Praying to God and thanking him for his grace. The same grace that I need to give others, as they so graciously given me.
Lately I have been feeling so bothersome by everything. Seeing everyone around me be able to get bless while I feel that I am still suffering is quite annoying. It brings out an ugly hate in me. Like why is this person who is a brother or sister in Christ mind you; can be able to have whatever it is that is truly blessing them while I am suffering and do not have any luxuries. I am literally sounding ungrateful and I fully know this. There is no logical explanation for it just in my mind. The thing is I’m so angry and have to much hurt and suppression from years of past hurts. I often see how when I get comfortable and get into this state of mind where I am alone and no one can bother me.
That is something that God is wrestling out of me, thinking that I’m alone Bc then it becomes easier to not get hurt or blindsided by others. I truly believe that there are things that I am slowly seeing within my self. Such as how I am treating others with bullying reactionary treatment that I do and it’s so unfair to them. Why, do I do this? Because I so badly am still fighting on letting go of being the little girl who was teased or bullied from growing up. So I hated the feeling of not being able to fit in.
I hated the feeling of everyone being able to learn all the cool stuff or go to fanciest places, when I was at home in my room watching movies because I was so afraid that if I did those stuff then my parents would kick me out, and then where would I go when I barely have a close knitted family to begin with.
It’s so overwhelming to describe that burden that I carried. I was bullied by those closest to me, so I in return do to the same to those who are closest to me. Ironic isn’t it? You become what you most detest. So what happens now? What now can I do or say that has not already been said? The waterfall of tears that I cried what do they mean if I’m getting worse? If there’s an ugly in me that I don’t even recognize, then how can I say I’m sorry because I am? But all I know to do is isolate so that I don’t let this “shewolf” out. It feels like I’m some type of hypocrite that can call people fake when what I am doing is no better, in fact it’s worse. Do you know that I what to have a mental breakdown or experience an eating disorder so that I can fit in. That’s how twisted I am.
I so badly want to relate to others and how they can talk to one another. NO ONE IS TALKING TO ME GOD!!! No one is able to understand the pain of being so depressed that no medication being prescribed has shown to be working. No one is…..that’s my go to saying, and then I get from all around “you have to look up”……there’s a feeling that I get where I don’t know how to look up. Yeah there’s the “Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender”; but since doing it things have worsen. I have slipped up on making time to read the word or connect with God. I would wake up and mediate on his word, and now I am not doing that because of the lame excuse of how I am struggling to wake up in the morning.
It’s so sad that “the gift of freedom gold can’t buy”, is something that I’m not actively pursuing. So why save me God when you know my heart and know that I can create worldwide destruction if I didn’t have you. Why continue to love me when I am incapable of loving myself. Like I want to experience brokenness and tangible just so that I can fit in. But you are telling me that no matter what you will “come sweep me up in YOUR LOVE again…on the wings of forever”. Don’t you understand God that I’m a screw up.
I am someone who is battling to be happy because sadness and disparity is all I know. I know broken for myself, but want healing for others. I don’t know what else to say to you Abba, I don’t know what is next in this relationship. I may have just been so far away from you.
The song Touch The Sky by Hillsong United describes the joy that comes from surrendering to God. There is joy. Everytime I listen to the song I wonder how to “touch the sky”. Is there really an “upward falling, spirit soaring” that I can experience? Because I need it. So I can go down head first unafraid. After what I have been doing lately something has got to give. Something has got to go. And I don’t know what that may be, but I am going to start praying without ceasing until it’s removed from me. Pray for me my beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ. Pray that this is no longer something that I carry in to any environment or relationship. It just needs to end. I want it to end or do I? Am I being fancy with words or do I truly want God’s hands on my mind, spirit and soul. I pray you see that writing this is about a girl who is battling the effects of unresolved issues. This is how it looks on me, this is my story “of how I would brought the world and sold my heart”; but God is telling me to listen to his song
“What treasure waits within YOUR scars
You traded heaven to have me again
My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground”
Thanks for reading! Happy listening and stay bless! Xo