Constant One by Steffany Gretzinger from her The Undoing album has been replaying in my mind for quite some time now. It’s seems that God has been hinting to me that I’m due for another blog, but honestly he knows that I don’t want to write about how I feel at the current moment.
How it’s the Thanksgiving Holiday and how the day has started with my father lying to someone who is practically dealing with an ailing health. Why does this bother me because I see where my pathological abilities of lying stems from.
These roots of where these horrible traits from are not something to brag about. They are constantly getting worse. In fact the thing is constant one aka father God, they have been noticed for a while now by my friends as something that I have been doing. My mother who I just caught in a lie because she was defending my father’s lie said she doesn’t want to deal with anyone so that is why she lied. But the thing is my mom lied to her own daughter.
That’s the thing when will the lie end huh constant one?
“It’s amazing how you take me just for who I am….” It truly is Bc I don’t know how you could since I have some innate pathological horrible qualities. Many have started to become annoyed with me because they do not see how these are qualities that I lived with but never acknowledge until now God. Then there’s the fact that the stem of these lies are from both sides of my parental. I don’t know which is worse my mom or dad. Because they both have lied to me numerous times growing up sad to say. It’s something that I have just lived it since its normal to time.
“In the moment I am hiding You seeks me out.” That’s how I feel in the holidays now. I’m no longer that nine year girl giddy with life. The bubble has pop. You burst it God. I can’t hide behind her and wanting to turn back time to a point where I didn’t see all of this. I don’t know how to stop lying. I’ve tried several times, but it’s not working out. I need you. I’m calling on you. It seems that there is a mark that I am missing. An arrow that I’m not following because the lies are now being caught. This is what you want isn’t father God?
“And You hold me, and You know from the inside out.” That’s a pity because I way too hard on myself. You must be in heaven with a deep sigh every time I put myself down. I just want to stop that as well. Like just the other day, someone complimented on my bone structure. I replied by saying “what, what bones?” You must have deep sighed at me and said “why my daughter?”
I don’t know why abba, maybe because still the thing to do in my household. There’s a thing that happens when a parent gives a backhand compliment but there’s always a dig behind it. Maybe that’s why I can give out shade for days. Maybe that’s why I don’t know if someone is really complimenting me just because they are giving them out and decided to be nice so that I don’t feel left out. I stop fishing for compliments. I stop looking at my beauty. I stop trying. And then
“There is no place that I could run that You won’t chase me down, You won’t chase me down
And there is no place that I could hide that I will not be found, I will not be found”
It’s like you are working in my God because of all the sudden I’m wearing heels lately. Like what? When did my feet supernaturally could do that? Only you God! Someone has been praying!
My pathologically qualities I just give them to you God. All I can do is pray for parents but I know that the harder that I pray it will get worse before it gets better. My friends may not understand me. They may not want to deal with this, but heal there heart God. I pray that they can reach to that level of forgiveness and grace that you are using my walk and testimony teach them to do. It’s easier said than done to be Christ like because there is always a moment that has someone in the “oh no” mood. But you are the “faithful Constant One, who is like you God?
I’m praying for my own forgiveness towards my parents. I am praying for just grace that is “like a river can’t be stopped.” I’m praying for patience, for mercy. For everything that God can provide that doesn’t result in me walking away from a conversation on a holiday afternoon. My parents may not see the harm in the ways, but I have to reconsider and recognize the faults in mines. I cannot think it’s okay to just not be there for someone and lie about it. I have to understand what being there for someone is, it’s selfless. Seems like something that I stopped doing because of the multiples times my kindness was mistake for weakness. So God you probably have seen me project my past hurts unto my present friendships. It’s like why did you allow for this to happen God.
Just the other day I ran into someone who I thought was my friend, but then when running into her I see how she never was, was she God? She was stringing me along. She was lying about what I thought was a genuine sisterhood. Another surrounding of pathological dynamics. There seems to be many of it that I was in co-habitant with. But what happens when you’re no longer in the realm of lies and deceit. What I have been accustom to has now become skin that I must shed.
So Constant One “in the valleys, in the mountains” just search me oh Lord. Move me out of your way. Seek my heart and just remove all that is pathologically wrong. Remove what is not of you.
Thank you Constant One because “Your mercy’s like the sun, always rising over us.” Amen
Thanks for reading! Happy Thanksgiving!