Last night was amazing God! Naomi* Regina Ann* and I went to Christ Tabernacle to see pastor Tim Ross preach. His sermon God was amazing. He spoke on the book of John chapter 11 and just really hit some points about the bondage through the story of Lazarus being risen from the dead.
But Tim Ross took it deeper than the typical Jesus commanding Lazarus to arise. The stone that was rolled away from the tomb that he was in. The bondage and wrappings that he was in could’ve hindered him from going to Jesus: but instead Lazarus found a way to reach Jesus whether he inched or wormed his way to Jesus, Lazarus’ walk to Christ is somehow similar to our walk with Christ. Jesus telling us to arise because we are no longer dead but with all the bondage and wrappings that we carry we have to inch our way to him. God knows that this is something that I’ve been wrestling and dealing with.
This blog is hard for me to write because I’m still dealing with several issues from my past. Currently I’m dealing with the issue of accountability, responsibility, and facing the facts.
My issues have stem from growing up and the inability to afford to be in trouble in any such way in school or anywhere. With school it was the worst. If I even got a letter sent home I would be in trouble. I hated getting in trouble with my parents because it would often resulted in beatings and just a complete put down. I hated how they would side would the teachers over me no matter what I try to say or do. The thing was they trusted the words of the instructor over me is how it felt.
Fast forward to now as an adult where they are so many issues that have resulted from just the dealings of my past. Whenever I hear the words: can we talk, from a subordinate, I immediately flashback to going to the principal’s office and then the time again to the dean’s office and almost getting suspended; and God intervened every single time. Or the time when I got a phone called home by my teacher, and I got punch by dad both in the face and chest. It was rough. I would have the feeling of being knocked out. I would have my mother tell me that this is who my father is. I would hear so much nonsense, but none was accountability. I hated getting those calls and warnings it makes me feel like I’m going to get in trouble and have to answer to my parents, when I am an adult who has to deal with accountability and responsibility for my actions. I hated having to take blame because that would mean that I did something wrong, and if I did something wrong that would mean I wasn’t bright enough to recognize what not to do to get in trouble.
This all created other battles with perfectionism; which I can never be. The other is the battle of legalism doing things because of rules and codes. The trouble with my past is that I have now seen how it trickles into my present.
Just today I was crying and it was over a situation that I am going to have to deal with at my job that I truly am getting anxiety about. The thing is I felt like that girl again. The girl who is now in trouble with her parents when she gets home and will get beaten. I saw that girl in the corner of Regina Ann’s* room. Full of anxiety because she has to face her parents. One day I had to be on my knees on the kitchen floor with my arms folded across my chest because I got a letter sent home. Another time my mom hit me with a belt because out of frustration with how I was doing in school. My head got pushed in by the pointy centerpiece that was on the dinning room table by mom. These were some of the things that occurred when I was in trouble so naturally that also occurred with everything like simply doing my homework because I would get in trouble for having sloppy handwriting. It’s really hard to accept being an adult and acknowledging my mistakes some days when I am carrying that bondage around my back.
When I first felt like this I brushed it off. I’ve been brushing this off for many years to the point it has become me. That was something that Tim Ross point out last night about Lazarus’ death and how Jesus took four days to visit him. In four days the body undergoes rigors mortis and the bandages that are wrapped around the skin becomes one with the flesh. That was what was going on with me. That is what I am now having to come face to face with accountability.
Then there’s the fact that I am calling out to God to create his miraculous wonders that he always does, but that’s asking for God to do things my way. Asking God to cover up and hide the fact that this is something that I have to face. Like the song Through and Through by Will Reagan
“You see me, and you know me, and you love me through and through”.
That is what God continues to tell me as a roll away the stone. That same stone that was instructed by Jesus to be rolled away so that he could command Lazarus to arise so that he could walk to Jesus in whatever shape or form, is the same stone that I have began to roll away so that I can inch worm or hop, or crawl my way to Jesus with the bondage that I am carrying.
Jesus loves me through and through because “I found that I’m safe and warm in your loving arms”. His love for me doesn’t change because of my shortcomings, in fact his love covers them so that I can grow and be more like him and less like the world. The fact that Jesus sees me is greater than anything. God loves me “through and through” that’s all that matters as I lay this burden and bondage at the king of kings feet. The wrappings are now starting to unpeeled from my skin. No longer am I hiding from my responsibility or consequences but facing them.
Like facing the accountability and consequences of talking about Anderson* and Derek* especially since my feelings with Jackson* are growing and he’s going to have to know about all of this.
Yes it’s the same Anderson that hurt Regina Ann. This dude literally tried to destroy the friendship and sisterhood that she and I were going to be blessed with. But what God has for you it’s for you. That is why I would call him the Devil. Because he would just try to ruin us, and he even did so by getting involved with me to the point where he and I almost had sex.
One night we had met up and we went to a club and danced for a bit I believe. We started drinking and that is usually the beginning of destruction. Then one thing led to another we started making out. It was starting to get intense between us so that lead him to suggest that we go somewhere. I was really tipsy so I thought we were just having a good time and then we heading back to our workspace. The next thing I know we are in a closet and he starts touching me down in my private area. Then he starts touching me in my chest area. He was imagining what he was going to do to me and then he pulls out his penis. I immediately sobered up. He gets upset because he thought that we were going to have sex and at that moment I truly believed God sobered me up and reminded me that I am saving myself for marriage, which I still am.
Then Anderson being upset leads me to touching his penis and jerking him off. That was all that I did. He made sure that he finished me off with an orgasm. He also came. I was grossed out because I immediately realized that I didn’t want to be doing this. I didn’t want to walk into a situation that was going to almost have me hand over my purity like a baggage at the airport. I told him to not mention this to anyone and he said to who Regina Ann, no. Why would I do that? Looking back on it I should’ve known that he mentioned that to me because he was dating her.
That’s right Anderson was dating Regina Ann the same guy that he and I were talking and got involved with. I definitely told Regina Ann about this the following year later after I was forced out from the job the three of us all worked at. It got messy because he would lie to her and tell her that nothing happened between us, while I was telling the truth like yes something went down and you can’t trust this man. She believed him for a long time over me.
Then there’s Derek a guy that I knew since high school that had a hold on me that I couldn’t break free from for the years. He always danced around the topic of when he and I would every enter a relationship. The man had a hold on me that lasted over a decade and I couldn’t break free from him until literally when Regina Ann and I started becoming best friends. He just toyed with my emotions.
Like Anderson was just interested in seeing how good I was, but Derek God stopped me from thinking that he was worth me losing my virginity to.
Both men had also tried to destroy me or keep me in captivity with the idea that something could happen between us. I was played by them. But above all protected by God.
“You see me, and you know me, and you love me through and through”
The accountability and responsibility stone is being rolled away. I am taking ownerships of my actions and trusting in God with the consequences.
Tim Ross added an antidote when he was preaching last night he stated “that no matter what we go through in life Jesus is still Lord,” which is true. No matter what God gets all the glory. If Jackson has to find out about all of this I an not afraid of telling him any more because I know that he will be equip to handle my truths.
God has me, but if Jackson said no to me no because of my testimony Jesus is still Lord. The stone is rolled away so that he can arise the Lazarus that’s in me to be alive and come forth to him.
Thanks for reading! Thanks for listening to my playlist!
(*Denotes name changed for privacy reasons)