Wyn's Playlist

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Love  — December 28, 2015

Love 

The baby in the manger is our savior. In Isaiah 9:6;

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” 

Jesus birth was and is the beginning of change to come for the people who were in need of a savior. We celebrate the holidays as we get older that it’s less about gifts, and more about Christ. The holidays become a time where we gather and give thanks for all the blessings that the Lord has given us, continuing to watch over us.

This year for me Christ was more on the gift of giving from the heart. God showed me something about myself that I truly forgotten about. I love giving gifts, especially those gifts that are really from the heart. I love how this year’s gift exchanges were made, and the gifts that were given were truly all God centered and his leading on what each recipient wanted.

Fast forward now to this past Sunday when I saw Jackson* whom I miss so very much and just wanted to hug him but instead he just looked right at me or he does this thing that when he sees me he goes towards an opposite direction. That usually hurts me and gets me to say to God “I’ll just start ignoring and hiding from him because he seems to want to hide from me”. My friends reassure me that it’s not like that and I have to battle being upset or feeling hurt. A lot of emotions and just thought processing to go through God. Then there’s the fact that there’s something that I recently started praying for in this journal that I got Jackson. Yes, I do have a journal for him that I hope he reads one day when God says he’s ready to have it until then I try very hard to be as honest and raw as I can in his journal and just write from the heart. One of the things that I have recently written about it is my fight in this attraction and pull that I have towards Brody*.


“I’m talkin’ bout the real stuff  

That kind that make you vulnerable and reveal stuff 

That kinda dealin’ with your pastor, get healed stuff

Fellas say they real tough, but nothin’ braver than love”

Brody and I both serve in ministry together, as do Jackson and I. The thing is my heart belongs to Jackson and not Brody. I sense that Brody has a deep attraction towards me, and at one point I did let him get to my personal space which Jackson did see. It was the spirit who knew what to do at the very next moment that patch things up for Jackson and me. Brody just dug his hands into my bags of cheez-its which for those who are clueless in this area like me that meant that I displayed that Brody has the right to be in my personal space. Jackson saw all of this which I didn’t want and I knew that he was internally flipping out. So that’s when my spirit took over and lead me to offer my bag and he took some. We were even comparing the regular to white cheddar, which he prefers and I don’t. It just taste weird to me. I think I actually told him that. I was happy to talk to Jackson, and learned something about him. I was hoping that things were patched up between us. That day opened both our eyes and really put some things into focus.

 

How so? Well I am now extra careful when I’m around Brody. Like this past Sunday, I didn’t see Jackson yet but I’m sure he saw me and Brody talking. And if he did he would see that I rather act like I’m saving a seat (sorry for lying God) for someone else, then have that man sit next to me. Jackson doesn’t know about the bus ride home. No one probably does.

 
One late evening I ran into Brody because he’s from my neighborhood and he ended needing to take this bus that I was on. Seeing him I knew it was trouble because of Jackson. Brody and I got into some light conversation. No I don’t have this man’s number and no I do not want. The conversation ended up being about work and school because job is literally right next to the school that he goes to. Brody became impressed that I know what his field of study can lead to and what it does; I saw that made his attraction increase for me more. I knew that was trouble. That night I knew and am eternally grateful that nothing happened between us. Brody looked like he wanted to kiss me, which he didn’t. And I did not want to kiss him. That is not a proverbs 31 woman trait.

Brody isn’t the first guy that has had an attraction to me. Jackson has had to watch other men who are attracted to me like come up to me and hug me; and I see how much that bothers him. I know he sees me play it off and act like I don’t know what’s up. It’s crazy how I hate that these distractions are all popping up because that is what Brody and the rest of them are distractions.
I don’t want to hurt Jackson. He has seen so many things from my end, like I’ve said this why I don’t think he trusts me or even wants to “love” me. It’s hard to “love” someone when they can’t be trusted. That’s why I’m doing this blog post because I don’t want to hide anything from him. I want it all out in the open. I rather it that way. You know who you getting. A girl who can be a hook. A girl who can cause chaos and disorder. A girl who is born and raised from the other side of the other side Brooklyn birth. That’s why I’m giving my all to God because who else can “love” me through my flaws only my one and only father who lives and reigns in heaven on his throne.

Love by Andy Mineo is a song that describes what I truly feel for Jackson:

“Ayo, you’re more than just a feelin’

You’re more like an action 

More like a decision 

You listen even when somebody think different…..

Love, love, love

You motivate my whole mission

When I think about God, you the definition…….

You been so gracious and been so patient 

You don’t throw them past mistakes up in my face 

You remind me no matter the skin we one race

If you had a daughter, I bet her name would be Grace 

Cause you’re (love, love, love)

You’re love 

 

No matter what distractions or attempts that comes our way the love of Christ will defeat all things. The wonderful counselor that he is, is whom we turn to in times of trouble. I know that I love Jackson. I believe in his growing love for me, and mines for his. That’s love. Love like Christ. It continues to grow no matter the obstacles or circumstances. Love isn’t conditional. Jesus’ birthed wasn’t conditional it’s an on going event that we celebrate and give thanks to God for so that we can have those piercing moments where we can see what’s reality and what’s an obstruction from focusing on the real picture. The fact remains I have to go harder in keeping us covered in prayer.

 

This season Jesus use Jackson to give me the best gift freedom to be transparent with him. To be honest and vulnerable with him because he’s the only one I want to do this with, after all

 

What we got if we don’t got love….. 



Happy Holidays! Happy New Year!
Happy reading and listening to Wyn’s Playlist!
Blessings!

 

 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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Where You Go I Go — December 21, 2015

Where You Go I Go

Be strong and courageous are leadership qualities that are expressed in the bible. They are qualities that I need to possess in order to hear from God and be used by him in a big way. He’s blocking my blesses but he’s honestly making it hard for me to avoid all of this. God I am trying to pick up my shovel to plant this ditch that you want me to plant so that you can grow the seed. 

I think God that I’m afraid of your love and of how Jackson* will love me. It’s pure. I think I’m scared of that because darkness is all I know. It’s all that I was introduced to growing up. When will Jackson see that I’m so haunted that I’m asking God to redirect him because he doesn’t deserve to deal with me and all of my brokenness. That’s the honest to God truth. It’s really hard to hear that God isn’t allowing him to speak to me. It’s such a tough pill to swallow. To me it seems unfair and not right God because I am having to watch him interact with other chicks while he has to be mute with me. This is where my immaturity kicks in and wants to hurt him, and compete against him. I’m literally the opposite of what he needs God. Jackson needs someone who can be there for him because he is an awesome guy. Jackson also needs someone who is not like me. Like I said the opposite of me. 

This season has been really difficult all across the board. The arguments that me and Regina Ann* has gotten into, with the ways that I am having trouble surrendering to you; everything seems like I’m crashing deep into something that I honestly do not want get out of. Everyday I’m being told that I’m leaning on my own understanding and I just did that. I got so excited to talk to a parent that I completely disregard the procedures that I was told to follow. One of my colleagues had to approach me and told me that I shouldn’t be doing that. God when will I learn? When will I get the chance to dig and plant the seeds that you want to water and grow? You tell me that I know how, but I’m in my own way of taking the necessary steps that can have me kill this side of me. The side that feeds self-pity and negativity. The “woe is me” complex that I seem to grow deeper in and fester more of. I don’t get it God, why did you allow me to become this person? 

I begin to doubt why did you save me and your love for me because of how difficult this season that I am in. Truth be told I’m so exhausted. I’m grateful for the days off that I am getting these next couple of days, but I pray that I do not go into the holidays with feelings of depression and loneliness because of how I’m not spending the holidays with extended family. That always seem to be what gets me the most. 
I value the words and opinions of man than yours God. I am not seeking you for guidance and when I do it’s truly selective and involuntarily, it’s because I was asked or told if I took it to you. There lies the ways of who I am God, but you already knew this. You know that I am not seeking you enough or praying enough to you. My worship is all wrong and whack. I am trying to work it out on my own and wanting you to give me the answers along the way. Why haven’t I remember what everyone is telling me? Why can’t I remember what was said in what I have to do? Why am I having trouble picking up that shovel to dig the dirt for the seeds? I’m back to the start. I’m back to drowning and crashing and snaking deep into a pit that honestly I probably want to say in. I probably want to just be in this pit and remain there because it’s easier for me to deal with and most comfortable for me. The pit is what I know,and what I am used to, and what I can comprehend. There are no blank canvases to work on. There is a map to everything that I know but with this step forward that I have to take God, I don’t know anything. I don’t know how to act really and maybe that’s the thing.

God is wanting me to act strong and courageous like he told Joshua in Old Testament. In Joshua 1:9 the Lord told Joshua to ” be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

This is God saying to one of his chosen leaders that where you go I go”; and Joshua saying to God “where you go I go, what you say I say, and what you pray I pray”. This song by Jesus Culture always is on repeat for me. The lyrics describe the relationship that I aspire to have with God. The relationship that I hope to have with God and to ensure that God is leading and I’m following. There’s  a part in the song that goes:
“How could I expect to walk without You

When every move that Jesus made was in surrender

I will not begin to live without You

for You only are worthy, You are always good

You are always good”



I am called to be more Christ like and to sing “when every move that Jesus made was in surrender,” that means that I have to give him absolute all of me and that is still something that I struggle with. Giving God my all is something that I am constantly battling with when it comes to Jackson, again because he scares me. The next steps because they are the unknown, and letting go. 

And yet God still tells me 

Jesus only did what He saw You do

He would only say what he heard You speak

He would only move when He felt You lead

following Your heart, following Your spirit


Where you go I go

Where You go I go

What You say I say

What You pray I pray

What You pray I pray


Thanks for reading! Blessings!! Happy listening!! 

Merry Christmas!! 

(* Denotes name change for privacy reason) 

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