The baby in the manger is our savior. In Isaiah 9:6;
“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
Jesus birth was and is the beginning of change to come for the people who were in need of a savior. We celebrate the holidays as we get older that it’s less about gifts, and more about Christ. The holidays become a time where we gather and give thanks for all the blessings that the Lord has given us, continuing to watch over us.
This year for me Christ was more on the gift of giving from the heart. God showed me something about myself that I truly forgotten about. I love giving gifts, especially those gifts that are really from the heart. I love how this year’s gift exchanges were made, and the gifts that were given were truly all God centered and his leading on what each recipient wanted.
Fast forward now to this past Sunday when I saw Jackson* whom I miss so very much and just wanted to hug him but instead he just looked right at me or he does this thing that when he sees me he goes towards an opposite direction. That usually hurts me and gets me to say to God “I’ll just start ignoring and hiding from him because he seems to want to hide from me”. My friends reassure me that it’s not like that and I have to battle being upset or feeling hurt. A lot of emotions and just thought processing to go through God. Then there’s the fact that there’s something that I recently started praying for in this journal that I got Jackson. Yes, I do have a journal for him that I hope he reads one day when God says he’s ready to have it until then I try very hard to be as honest and raw as I can in his journal and just write from the heart. One of the things that I have recently written about it is my fight in this attraction and pull that I have towards Brody*.
“I’m talkin’ bout the real stuff
That kind that make you vulnerable and reveal stuff
That kinda dealin’ with your pastor, get healed stuff
Fellas say they real tough, but nothin’ braver than love”
Brody and I both serve in ministry together, as do Jackson and I. The thing is my heart belongs to Jackson and not Brody. I sense that Brody has a deep attraction towards me, and at one point I did let him get to my personal space which Jackson did see. It was the spirit who knew what to do at the very next moment that patch things up for Jackson and me. Brody just dug his hands into my bags of cheez-its which for those who are clueless in this area like me that meant that I displayed that Brody has the right to be in my personal space. Jackson saw all of this which I didn’t want and I knew that he was internally flipping out. So that’s when my spirit took over and lead me to offer my bag and he took some. We were even comparing the regular to white cheddar, which he prefers and I don’t. It just taste weird to me. I think I actually told him that. I was happy to talk to Jackson, and learned something about him. I was hoping that things were patched up between us. That day opened both our eyes and really put some things into focus.
How so? Well I am now extra careful when I’m around Brody. Like this past Sunday, I didn’t see Jackson yet but I’m sure he saw me and Brody talking. And if he did he would see that I rather act like I’m saving a seat (sorry for lying God) for someone else, then have that man sit next to me. Jackson doesn’t know about the bus ride home. No one probably does.
One late evening I ran into Brody because he’s from my neighborhood and he ended needing to take this bus that I was on. Seeing him I knew it was trouble because of Jackson. Brody and I got into some light conversation. No I don’t have this man’s number and no I do not want. The conversation ended up being about work and school because job is literally right next to the school that he goes to. Brody became impressed that I know what his field of study can lead to and what it does; I saw that made his attraction increase for me more. I knew that was trouble. That night I knew and am eternally grateful that nothing happened between us. Brody looked like he wanted to kiss me, which he didn’t. And I did not want to kiss him. That is not a proverbs 31 woman trait.
Brody isn’t the first guy that has had an attraction to me. Jackson has had to watch other men who are attracted to me like come up to me and hug me; and I see how much that bothers him. I know he sees me play it off and act like I don’t know what’s up. It’s crazy how I hate that these distractions are all popping up because that is what Brody and the rest of them are distractions.
I don’t want to hurt Jackson. He has seen so many things from my end, like I’ve said this why I don’t think he trusts me or even wants to “love” me. It’s hard to “love” someone when they can’t be trusted. That’s why I’m doing this blog post because I don’t want to hide anything from him. I want it all out in the open. I rather it that way. You know who you getting. A girl who can be a hook. A girl who can cause chaos and disorder. A girl who is born and raised from the other side of the other side Brooklyn birth. That’s why I’m giving my all to God because who else can “love” me through my flaws only my one and only father who lives and reigns in heaven on his throne.
Love by Andy Mineo is a song that describes what I truly feel for Jackson:
“Ayo, you’re more than just a feelin’
You’re more like an action
More like a decision
You listen even when somebody think different…..
Love, love, love
You motivate my whole mission
When I think about God, you the definition…….
You been so gracious and been so patient
You don’t throw them past mistakes up in my face
You remind me no matter the skin we one race
If you had a daughter, I bet her name would be Grace
Cause you’re (love, love, love)
No matter what distractions or attempts that comes our way the love of Christ will defeat all things. The wonderful counselor that he is, is whom we turn to in times of trouble. I know that I love Jackson. I believe in his growing love for me, and mines for his. That’s love. Love like Christ. It continues to grow no matter the obstacles or circumstances. Love isn’t conditional. Jesus’ birthed wasn’t conditional it’s an on going event that we celebrate and give thanks to God for so that we can have those piercing moments where we can see what’s reality and what’s an obstruction from focusing on the real picture. The fact remains I have to go harder in keeping us covered in prayer.
This season Jesus use Jackson to give me the best gift freedom to be transparent with him. To be honest and vulnerable with him because he’s the only one I want to do this with, after all
What we got if we don’t got love…..
Happy Holidays! Happy New Year!
Happy reading and listening to Wyn’s Playlist!
(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)