Be strong and courageous are leadership qualities that are expressed in the bible. They are qualities that I need to possess in order to hear from God and be used by him in a big way. He’s blocking my blesses but he’s honestly making it hard for me to avoid all of this. God I am trying to pick up my shovel to plant this ditch that you want me to plant so that you can grow the seed.
I think God that I’m afraid of your love and of how Jackson* will love me. It’s pure. I think I’m scared of that because darkness is all I know. It’s all that I was introduced to growing up. When will Jackson see that I’m so haunted that I’m asking God to redirect him because he doesn’t deserve to deal with me and all of my brokenness. That’s the honest to God truth. It’s really hard to hear that God isn’t allowing him to speak to me. It’s such a tough pill to swallow. To me it seems unfair and not right God because I am having to watch him interact with other chicks while he has to be mute with me. This is where my immaturity kicks in and wants to hurt him, and compete against him. I’m literally the opposite of what he needs God. Jackson needs someone who can be there for him because he is an awesome guy. Jackson also needs someone who is not like me. Like I said the opposite of me.
This season has been really difficult all across the board. The arguments that me and Regina Ann* has gotten into, with the ways that I am having trouble surrendering to you; everything seems like I’m crashing deep into something that I honestly do not want get out of. Everyday I’m being told that I’m leaning on my own understanding and I just did that. I got so excited to talk to a parent that I completely disregard the procedures that I was told to follow. One of my colleagues had to approach me and told me that I shouldn’t be doing that. God when will I learn? When will I get the chance to dig and plant the seeds that you want to water and grow? You tell me that I know how, but I’m in my own way of taking the necessary steps that can have me kill this side of me. The side that feeds self-pity and negativity. The “woe is me” complex that I seem to grow deeper in and fester more of. I don’t get it God, why did you allow me to become this person?
I begin to doubt why did you save me and your love for me because of how difficult this season that I am in. Truth be told I’m so exhausted. I’m grateful for the days off that I am getting these next couple of days, but I pray that I do not go into the holidays with feelings of depression and loneliness because of how I’m not spending the holidays with extended family. That always seem to be what gets me the most.
I value the words and opinions of man than yours God. I am not seeking you for guidance and when I do it’s truly selective and involuntarily, it’s because I was asked or told if I took it to you. There lies the ways of who I am God, but you already knew this. You know that I am not seeking you enough or praying enough to you. My worship is all wrong and whack. I am trying to work it out on my own and wanting you to give me the answers along the way. Why haven’t I remember what everyone is telling me? Why can’t I remember what was said in what I have to do? Why am I having trouble picking up that shovel to dig the dirt for the seeds? I’m back to the start. I’m back to drowning and crashing and snaking deep into a pit that honestly I probably want to say in. I probably want to just be in this pit and remain there because it’s easier for me to deal with and most comfortable for me. The pit is what I know,and what I am used to, and what I can comprehend. There are no blank canvases to work on. There is a map to everything that I know but with this step forward that I have to take God, I don’t know anything. I don’t know how to act really and maybe that’s the thing.
God is wanting me to act strong and courageous like he told Joshua in Old Testament. In Joshua 1:9 the Lord told Joshua to ” be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
This is God saying to one of his chosen leaders that where you go I go”; and Joshua saying to God “where you go I go, what you say I say, and what you pray I pray”. This song by Jesus Culture always is on repeat for me. The lyrics describe the relationship that I aspire to have with God. The relationship that I hope to have with God and to ensure that God is leading and I’m following. There’s a part in the song that goes:
“How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
for You only are worthy, You are always good
You are always good”
I am called to be more Christ like and to sing “when every move that Jesus made was in surrender,” that means that I have to give him absolute all of me and that is still something that I struggle with. Giving God my all is something that I am constantly battling with when it comes to Jackson, again because he scares me. The next steps because they are the unknown, and letting go.
And yet God still tells me
Jesus only did what He saw You do
He would only say what he heard You speak
He would only move when He felt You lead
following Your heart, following Your spirit
Where you go I go
Where You go I go
What You say I say
What You pray I pray
What You pray I pray
Thanks for reading! Blessings!! Happy listening!!
(* Denotes name change for privacy reason)