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I’ll Just Say Yes — January 27, 2016

I’ll Just Say Yes

“And there is peace when I say yes, I might not see it now but you save the BEST…..”



Growing up, and being spoken to the way, that I was, is how I in-turn talk to adults today; and even children sometimes, especially at work, because of how I was brought up. The overall conditions, that occurred in my household, spilled over through me. I cannot count the number of times, my father’s tone was disgruntle towards me. He was a man that was just always was preoccupied, with work, and I for a very long time was vying, and desperately wanting, to be a daddy’s girl. Fast forward to today, and the growing pains that I am having to deal with, and still I am trying to learn how to, give God these burdens, and problems, that I carry. 

Growing pains can be challenging to deal with; they involve such discomfort, and constantly overcoming trails and tests. God how I need you. Just dealing with my weight gain, that has been affecting me for months. Talking to others about it, is never a good idea, because apparently, I’m not making the proper decisions, to handle, or combat this weight gain. I want to be able to eat what I want and not have to worry about whether I’m going to be a pre-diabetic or will this have me gain more weight. Many don’t understand how because I’m on medicine for my mental health this releases something in my brain that is correlated to my weight gain. To work so hard to lose 30 plus pounds to now gaining all of it back plus more is quite hard for me to bear. I keep thinking that if I starve myself or do something drastic that I will lose the weight. Growing and constantly being hassled by parents about my weight has trickled down to how negatively I see myself. 

I can’t handle the constructive criticism, that I receive; when I do receive the criticism, I feel like it’s being delivered so harshly, that it makes me want to cry. I don’t like how sensitive I am. I don’t like that I can’t handle these comments. I don’t like that I’m softie, and I have to cry these things out. When I hear criticism, I feel as if I’m still failing. I’m failing as a daughter, and as a sister, as a woman. I’m just failing. I’m stilling not getting it. I’m still struggling, with emotions that I have buried, since I was a kid, that are now mounting to the surface. So, it’s crazy when I am speaking, to the kids in my school, how I’m speaking to them; and the tone sounds, like my father’s, from when I was growing up. It sounds abusive, and just unruly. I literally have been told many times, that my tone is something,that I have to watch out for; and I have to give it to God. 

The same way, when I don’t know what to give to God, or want to pray about. I’m giving it to God as well. For a spirit of boldness, and confidence in you Lord. 

It’s crazy how, I’m having to battle, these emotions that I am dealing with. I have such a hard time, with hearing, that I am battling with my walk with God, because it feels that He purposely made things so challenging, and just different for me. Lately, I’ve been having the hardest time communicating, and expressing how I feel. When Regina Ann,* for instance, would ask me a question, I would take a while to respond, and answer back; but often I was thinking in my head, how I can answer the question, without coming of like a crybaby, because I’m so uber sensitive. It’s a very challenging thing, to explain, because I feel that I battle expressing how I feel with others, taking it the wrong way. Then if they are saying something that I don’t want to hear, then I’m taking it the wrong way. There lies the conundrum.

The fact remains, is I’m having difficulties meeting God. Having difficulties coming over to him, how he wants me to; and the issue is I don’t know what step I need to take in order to get there. I read in yesterday’s devotion, that sometimes we can miss our chance to get our blessing. Am I doing that or have I done that?Did I miss my blessing through not taking that step? There’s a line,that I need to cross, I’m worming my way to cross; and just calling on the name of Jesus, to get me through this challenging season. Whether it’s work, or my personal life, things have been shaken; and God I need you to just move and make a way. 

I say yes, to you,no matter what happens next. I’ll keep posting blogs, and just writing out, how I feel. Lord the road is rough,and weary to travel alone, without you, that’s why I am saying yes, to absurd obedience; and just your will for my life. I don’t know, what’s my next job, after this fellowship, but you are showing me how to trust you, with every entity of my life. It’s a wrestle, this journey that I have been on so far. It’s been a journey, where I feel like I have been failing, so many times; and just missing so many marks. And often times, God it’s hard, for me to describe that to others. That I am missing,another mark, and needed more guidance. 

My mind since being saved, is getting corrected through the medicine, that I need to take which, is something that I also have issues with. The fact, that I have to be on them, bothers me so much. I understand, that they are helping my mental health, but there’s an area of my pride, that I’m having to give God; that foolishly believes, I shouldn’t be taking any medication. The fact remains, I need the correction. I need to have the remedy, to correct the ills of mind, and heal it.

That leads me to saying yes to God. I’ll Just Say  Yes, by Brian Courtney Wilson resonates, what I’m trying to echo to God. I’ll just say yes……

“I’m not afraid of what it means to say 

that this life you gave 

is not my own 

I’m trusting you to hear my yes and lead me on,


Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is yours…..”

Happy Reading! Thanks for listening!
(*denotes for name change)

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No Longer Slaves — January 24, 2016

No Longer Slaves

“I’m no longer a slave to fear because I am a child of God….” This song just sparks the chains breaking off from me. No longer a slave to anything of this world, choosing to trust God instead and letting him in my heart. Lately there has been a lot of discomfort from me hearing the truth. The truth of how I battle so much these past couple of days and how I allowed the enemy to win instead of choosing the spirit. I was in no rush to fight and be bold for God. I instead was doing quite the opposite, I was just listening to both sides of spectrum and seeing which best suited my flesh. I didn’t want to see that I was making decisions to go against everything that was for the betterment of choosing God. 


“From my mother’s womb you have chosen me, love has called my name….” I didn’t like when I was told that I’m a catalyst, the one who is meet to lead my sisters out of their vicious cycle that was pulling them away from God. I didn’t think I should be the one who personally deal with taking them out of the season that they are in. I wanted to stay in my known funk and continue to do what I’ve been doing. Serving two masters. I was praising God and serving, while I was looking for validation in my siblings and in man. 
I don’t even want to write this post. I just want to fall into a deep somber and wake up when everything is over with and supernaturally removed. Cherry picking what God is telling me to do. I just wasn’t feeling like I have to post another blog. That’s the frustrating part of battles, making the conscious decision to pick one side and stick with it. It’s like when I made the decision to follow Christ.


“You unravel me with a melody, you surround me with a song….” Exposed me to the point that I could no longer go in hiding. Those who are closest to me and are now being equip by God to speak words of life into to me, made me more uncomfortable. To change me Naomi*, Regina Ann*, and Daniel* all have a role in my life and God no longer allowing me to isolate from them or tune them out. God began to change me and I had no say in the matter in how I was being pruned or transformed. That infuriated me, but I didn’t even know this was the emotion that I was displaying to God, I just wanted things done my way. I basically wanted to get save and do all the things that I wanted to do. I battled every day with comparison, me versus my sisters. I didn’t like that they were able to do all the things that they did when before they were saved and I felt stuck in a box of cannot do anything. The mind warped of I’m going to somehow make things happen was all a delusion because God would cop block each and every single time, whether it be me escaping or avoiding, God would just blocked it all.


“I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God…” A part of me didn’t want to live being a child of God. I stopped fighting. I stopped trying to follow and chase after God. I began to revert back to leaning on my own understanding. Leaning on my flesh. I began to think that this was the way to live, but God and you know when there’s a but God in anything he’s flipping things around. But God began to halt all of that. He used my siblings in Christ to get me to see the vomit of a mess I made. To see how I needed to change my ways. All of my ugly habits began to spill over on to my job and just everything that I became involved in. It became very hard to hear God’s voice and be in his presence. I wanted to walk away from being His child. I wanted to just be angry and depress because that was all I knew. I didn’t want to fight off these emotions. The fight that I constantly was battling with. 


“I am surrounded by the arms of the father, I am surrounded by songs of deliverance……”
Then the turning point happened, I don’t know how or when but it did. My siblings pouring into me began to shape me and push to fight. The moment that I began fighting was when I got the called to be one of the few selected to present their cardboard testimonies this past Friday at MVMNT. That’s what happens when the songs of deliverance becomes your choice track song instead of the repeated broken record of sorrow. 

We’ve been liberated

From our bondage

We’re the sons and the daughters

Let us sing our freedom


You split the sea

So I could walk right through it

My fears were drowned in perfect love

You rescued me

And I could stand and sing

I am a child of God…

This is my favorite part of the song, sung by Bethel Music off their We Will Not Be Shaken (Live) Album. It’s the part where the drumming gets louder and harder. The beat gets somewhat stronger and my heart pounds along like its part of the audience when the group was performing this live. It’s such an anthem of being freed from everything that God has totally taken me away from. I no longer can act like I don’t know who I am to God. His child. I can no longer can be disobedient. I no longer to give into fear or cherry pick my obedience. I can no longer do anything that separates me from God, and he won’t allow it. This past Friday at MVMNT I felt a brush of his wind breaking the chains that I was trying to keep on me. No longer the same from that moment forward. No longer a slave from that moment forward. From that moment I proclaim that 

“I am a child of God”

Thanks for reading! Happy listening!

(*Denotes name change for privacy)

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