“And there is peace when I say yes, I might not see it now but you save the BEST…..”
Growing up, and being spoken to the way, that I was, is how I in-turn talk to adults today; and even children sometimes, especially at work, because of how I was brought up. The overall conditions, that occurred in my household, spilled over through me. I cannot count the number of times, my father’s tone was disgruntle towards me. He was a man that was just always was preoccupied, with work, and I for a very long time was vying, and desperately wanting, to be a daddy’s girl. Fast forward to today, and the growing pains that I am having to deal with, and still I am trying to learn how to, give God these burdens, and problems, that I carry.
Growing pains can be challenging to deal with; they involve such discomfort, and constantly overcoming trails and tests. God how I need you. Just dealing with my weight gain, that has been affecting me for months. Talking to others about it, is never a good idea, because apparently, I’m not making the proper decisions, to handle, or combat this weight gain. I want to be able to eat what I want and not have to worry about whether I’m going to be a pre-diabetic or will this have me gain more weight. Many don’t understand how because I’m on medicine for my mental health this releases something in my brain that is correlated to my weight gain. To work so hard to lose 30 plus pounds to now gaining all of it back plus more is quite hard for me to bear. I keep thinking that if I starve myself or do something drastic that I will lose the weight. Growing and constantly being hassled by parents about my weight has trickled down to how negatively I see myself.
I can’t handle the constructive criticism, that I receive; when I do receive the criticism, I feel like it’s being delivered so harshly, that it makes me want to cry. I don’t like how sensitive I am. I don’t like that I can’t handle these comments. I don’t like that I’m softie, and I have to cry these things out. When I hear criticism, I feel as if I’m still failing. I’m failing as a daughter, and as a sister, as a woman. I’m just failing. I’m stilling not getting it. I’m still struggling, with emotions that I have buried, since I was a kid, that are now mounting to the surface. So, it’s crazy when I am speaking, to the kids in my school, how I’m speaking to them; and the tone sounds, like my father’s, from when I was growing up. It sounds abusive, and just unruly. I literally have been told many times, that my tone is something,that I have to watch out for; and I have to give it to God.
The same way, when I don’t know what to give to God, or want to pray about. I’m giving it to God as well. For a spirit of boldness, and confidence in you Lord.
It’s crazy how, I’m having to battle, these emotions that I am dealing with. I have such a hard time, with hearing, that I am battling with my walk with God, because it feels that He purposely made things so challenging, and just different for me. Lately, I’ve been having the hardest time communicating, and expressing how I feel. When Regina Ann,* for instance, would ask me a question, I would take a while to respond, and answer back; but often I was thinking in my head, how I can answer the question, without coming of like a crybaby, because I’m so uber sensitive. It’s a very challenging thing, to explain, because I feel that I battle expressing how I feel with others, taking it the wrong way. Then if they are saying something that I don’t want to hear, then I’m taking it the wrong way. There lies the conundrum.
The fact remains, is I’m having difficulties meeting God. Having difficulties coming over to him, how he wants me to; and the issue is I don’t know what step I need to take in order to get there. I read in yesterday’s devotion, that sometimes we can miss our chance to get our blessing. Am I doing that or have I done that?Did I miss my blessing through not taking that step? There’s a line,that I need to cross, I’m worming my way to cross; and just calling on the name of Jesus, to get me through this challenging season. Whether it’s work, or my personal life, things have been shaken; and God I need you to just move and make a way.
I say yes, to you,no matter what happens next. I’ll keep posting blogs, and just writing out, how I feel. Lord the road is rough,and weary to travel alone, without you, that’s why I am saying yes, to absurd obedience; and just your will for my life. I don’t know, what’s my next job, after this fellowship, but you are showing me how to trust you, with every entity of my life. It’s a wrestle, this journey that I have been on so far. It’s been a journey, where I feel like I have been failing, so many times; and just missing so many marks. And often times, God it’s hard, for me to describe that to others. That I am missing,another mark, and needed more guidance.
My mind since being saved, is getting corrected through the medicine, that I need to take which, is something that I also have issues with. The fact, that I have to be on them, bothers me so much. I understand, that they are helping my mental health, but there’s an area of my pride, that I’m having to give God; that foolishly believes, I shouldn’t be taking any medication. The fact remains, I need the correction. I need to have the remedy, to correct the ills of mind, and heal it.
That leads me to saying yes to God. I’ll Just Say Yes, by Brian Courtney Wilson resonates, what I’m trying to echo to God. I’ll just say yes……
“I’m not afraid of what it means to say
that this life you gave
is not my own
I’m trusting you to hear my yes and lead me on,
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is yours…..”
Happy Reading! Thanks for listening!
(*denotes for name change)