Wyn's Playlist

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Seeing For The First Time  — February 29, 2016

Seeing For The First Time 

“It’s like I’m seeing for the first time
Like you opened my eyes to show me

Everything I’ve missed before

And I want more”


2/28/16
God, thank you for breath, and life. You woke me up this morning. Thank you. I will continue to bless you, with my mouth in praise. Lord, you’re all I need. 

Lord, give me strength to deal with Naomi.* I do not appreciate, the way that she has been acting towards me. I don’t like that she comes very off fake, and I’ve noticed that it seems, she does that around me especially. Father God, tell me what to do, and what to say. Father God, just work in me, in how to communicate, and understand her. Lord, give me strength. I need to understand, your grace, and compassion. I don’t know what to do with her, God and just give me the words, and the tone to talk to her. Father God, take over. 

This is hard God to trust. It’s truly something, that I didn’t think I had to do. Why is it that I feel hurt by people. I think it’s because I still put the validation in them, unfortunately. Why can’t I just love you, and not them? I think it would be easier that way. I failed at this. I failed at making connections, with people, and I have a hard trusting, even trusting you God. I no longer want this type of disconnection in our relationship, because it’s disruptive, and disturbing. God I give it to you. I am choosing to trust you more, and more. Trusting you first, and foremost will lead and show me how to trust others. I can’t walk into the next season, of my life, and not be totally anchored to you. I just can’t. 

Father God, I spoke to Naomi, and it was a real honest and revealing conversation. I realize that my walls, and lack of trust in her, and our friendship affected the strain, that we are now in. I am thankful that we spoke, and I am excited for how we move towards, being present in each other’s life. 

Father God, be with the household of Regina Ann,* Lord they need you. Regina Ann needs you Lord, now more than ever, so give her even more strength, when there’s so much madness, and chaos in front of her. Lord only you can turn, all of this around, by your mighty spirit. Holy Spirit I call on you to move, into that household, and turn things around. Break the shackles, that Satan is trying, to have a stronghold on the family. Break the addictions, and lies that are being fed in her family. Be with her father God. Keep comforting her, and shelter her from this extreme amounts, of brokenness; that seems to take place in this very temporary season. For your word says, no weapon formed against us, shall ever prosper; and this too shall pass. Lord I thank you for my sister’s life, and testimony on how she remains faithful to you; and knows that you are good because you are God. Amen. 

2/29/16
God I choose you. I surrender everything, the not having thicker skin, because you are tough. I surrender to the spirit. Lord come into my heart, and take a hold of me, because I truly want to be yours. I no longer desire to live, in flesh and worldly desires. I choose you a thousand times Lord. I choose to hear, the truth even when it’s a tough pill to swallow. What ever it is that I haven’t given over to you, Lord I release it over to you, and surrender it all to you. I don’t want my words to be empty or mean nothing. I want my words, to be of truth. Lord, I pray for my heart right now, that I have the strength, to cast out the wickedness and deceit. Lord I pray, that I no longer, have to lie, but I am always, in spirit and truth. For whatever it is, that you want from me, you can have it, and it’s yours. I give you all of me. I give myself away Lord. I thank you, Lord for your constant love and protection. You didn’t have, to but you choose to. Lord, make me snapped out, of this please. I want out of it now. Lord I say yes, to you. Leaving it all behind. If you want me to chop off my hair? I will. If you want me to go on a missions trip? I will. Whatever you want. I will say yes. 

God, reading this book, is opening up my eyes to see, that I can no longer, live a life of lies, or not accepting responsibility of accountability. I choose to see, that I have to step into these traits, in order to be a lighter for your kingdom. Lord take the lies from out of my mouth. I surrender all of these horrible traits to you. I surrender bragging about these horrible habits. I surrender what is of evil and darkness. I give it all to you. Lord, I choose the light. I’m letting go, of all of these traits, and choosing the light, and the map, that leads me to you, and your calling in my life. 

Father God, from reading this book, I can see that you are calling me to a life of balance, love, growth, and grace. Father, I thank you for leading me to this book. I thank you for having me see, that you do not want me, to stay in the unhealthiness of where I am; but you’re pushing me to something far better. I say yes, to giving up my old life, for a new one with you. I say yes, to the yolk of bondages being exchanged, for the lighter yolk from you. Father, I love you so much, and I thank you for you never stopping, to chase me. Thank you, for blocking me, from all the misdeeds, of my life. Like the time, I thought I should be experimenting, which you blocked. You blocked all these moments, from turning into something, far worse in my life. Like the time you blocked, and protected me from being sexually assaulted, by my neighbor’s sons. I was searching, and curious about myself. You intervened every single thing before anything can occur. I’m being honest with you God, because honesty, is what leads to growth. I was chasing after the idea of Jackson*, and it did bother me, that he saw me for who I was truly. I tried to mask it up, with makeup and friendly smiles, but he saw past it. He saw me, for who I truly was: a broken girl wanting him to be my Prince Charming, to fix, and save me. But I have to accept the truth for what it really is. I decided to put him on a pedestal. Only you God belong on a pedestal, and you don’t even want to be there. I am fighting God, realizing that my worth is found only in Him, and no one else. Not in man. I’m slowly starting to realize this. Falling in love with God, and falling in love with being intimate with Him. I’ve decided to stop living my lies, and thinking that they will satisfy me, because they will never fulfill me. God loves me, so much that he didn’t allow me, to enter a toxic relationship with a man, to leave me empty, heartbroken or with a child. I was pursuing a lifestyle, that continue to just grew me to be bitter, and even more towards the dark. 

I am reading this book now by Dr. Scott Peck called “The road less traveled,” and the section that I am in is called discipline. Learning to have delayed gratification, assumption of responsibility, dedication to the truth or reality, and balancing; all are a part of techniques, that is a system of discipline. “Discipline is defined in the book as a system of techniques, of dealing constructively, with the pain of problem-solving-instead of that pain-in such a way that all of life’s problem can be solved.” Discipline is required in our Christian walk, so that we can be disciplined, through the trails and changes that come in our life. It’s the first that we walk through, so that we can be pruned and come out shining, and reflecting like Christ. 

It’s not easy for me learning discipline. It comes with constant repetition. It comes with being the woman, that helped Regina Ann from committing suicide, and dealing with toxic guy that she was in a relationship with, at the time. I placed that daughter, God birthed me to be, in the backseat so that I couldn’t deal with the rapid changes, and growth that God was exposing me to. 

This started for me one day, in the middle of the night, I was heading the bathroom. My parents room was near the bathroom. I push the door, but it didn’t close all the way. I could still hear that my dad was on the phone. Next thing I know I heard, he spoke another language, and I’ve never heard it before. My mom is so concern in me staying, in house and not leaving her, and it’s like she doesn’t even want me to grow into the next season, that involves my desires of marriage, and going off on my own. It’s so whack the brokenness, that exists in the house that I currently live in. I instead held myself back, so that I didn’t see, all that was been shown. The bubbles were popping left and right. I stopped being the sister, and daughter to the Highest King, that Regina Ann seen me be, two years ago, when you used me to unravel her; or God knows that I’m capable of being. It became too hard, or so that. I didn’t want to let go of anything. I wanted to cling to what I knew, which was all brokenness. I couldn’t handle the truth, not only about myself, but about the people who I once thought, loved me. I can’t turn a blind eye no more. I have to face the facts, and face reality that’s the only way, that I’m truly going to grow out, of this toxic mess.

The fact that God is still wanting me, to live and wake up every morning is a blessing; because I’ve been lying to myself, for some months now. Thinking that no one would notice I was buffeting Christianity, and half-ish way through this walk. I can no longer do this. I have to discipline myself, to walk through the fire, and be the proverbs 31 woman, God is pruning me to be. 

Seeing for the first time by Britt Nicole is a song that describes exactly what God is taking me to. Opening up my eyes and has me understanding that I have to want to choose him. God plans everything out accordingly. He knows where every ripple leads to; therefore, every step, every move that we make will always leads us back to him. He will open our eyes to see things for as they are and be in spirit and in truth. 

“How many years did you plan this moment here

To show me how you love me

How many years did you plan this moment here

To show me how you love me 

It’s like I’m seeing for the first time

Like you opened my eyes to show me

Everything I’ve missed before

It’s like I’m seeing for the first time

Like you opened my eyes to show me

Everything I’ve missed before

And I want more of youI want more, I want more

More more more more”


(*denotes name change for privacy)

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Good Good Father  — February 23, 2016

Good Good Father 

"Oh and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching

For answers only You provide

‘Cause You know just what we need

Before we say a word"

2/21/16
God you are good, thank you for another day. Thank you for waking me up this morning. 

Today is just one of those days, when I can't seem to sit through tough critique. It's hard to sit, and have someone tell you, this is where you fall short. Apparently, I'm not doing the shedding fully. I'm just doing things, half way is what has been told to me. I'm tired of making excuses. God I like the ugly. I like the fact, that I wasn't growing because it meant I wasn't having to change, and things would stay the same. I had a hard time with choosing to be validated by others, and not recognizing that I am already validated by you. I have a hard time with getting, that you have redeemed me, because nothing that you have done God, was tangible enough for me. It's probably why for so long, I chased the things of this world, and got caught up in the web of satisfying, my flesh; because it was tangible, and something concrete in my mind. 

Everything that is bad, and I haven't fully given over, to you was concrete to me. It was something that I can use my five senses with, so I held on tight to it. It's like truly connecting how connected I am with the others. The more I'm real with myself and you, the more that they are too. Let's be real God, I was avoiding receiving and stepping up to this plate. I wanted to chase, and receive my own things. You let me live for two years, but now I can't anymore. You are pushing me to rid of all of my vomit. 

The fact that I have a hard time getting along, with others because of the not so nice lasting first impression, creates distance. I sincerely just want to move away, to another state and start over. Leave behind everything. Don't care if I have friends, or not; since I've been having a hard time, keeping the ones I barely have here anyway. But that's not solving the problem is it? I have to work on my reception, and engagement with others; so that I don't leave those negative impressions that I do. It's hard. It's really difficult making these efforts, and just pushing myself to fight these bad habits; when they are what I have accustomed myself to for so long. I allowed it to get so far. I did. Now I have to clean, this mess up. If you can hear my God, I'm sorry. 

"Oh, it's love so undeniable

I, I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I, I can hardly think

As You call me deeper still

As You call me deeper still

As You call me deeper still

Into love, love, love"

2/22/16

God you have this, you have the fact that I'm looking back, like Lot's wife. I wanted to numb myself, because I was so hurt. I felt embarrassed, because it meant that I'm not seen as a pillar of salt; rather a pillar of salt. God, how can you possibly love me? You're a "Good, good Father," like the song states. I don't know what else to say. I am pushing, and shoving myself to fight. I believe that I am fighting. I believe that I am surrendering. I truly believe that. Or did I just convince myself of a reality that is not quite occurring?

Jesus you win. I keep failing, and I just am giving it to you. I don't know what to say, or how to feel. I just want to fight. Fight to just be your daughter. I suck at this God. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I let go of Wynee? She's all I've known. 

God, Talia's* comment was spot on, and it was what I needed to hear, in terms of making moves; and pushing myself toward taking action. I created this irregeuous delusion, in my head that she wasn't for it, and it's just like back in high school. It wasn't. It was the fact that I couldn't handle, that my ish stinks, like real bad. I couldn't handle or face that truth. The same way I couldn't handle, or face the truths about, what else I've been told about myself. My responses or reaction to hearing them others or from Regina Ann,* was my inability to handle the truth. It was a lack of maturity, and self control. I was wrong. I was the one who didn't know how to receive the constructive criticism. I was the one who just really needed to hear the truth. And now that I've heard it God, I give it to you. I just say take it all. I'm tapped out. I don't know what else I haven't surrendered or given to you. But I'm praying the prayer to break me Lord, and make me meek so that you are only seen. 

Lord, fix my tongue, and open my spiritual ears, to receive. I've been not listening to the wisdom, that I have given to others. If I have mislead anyone in the wrong way, I apologize God. I apologize. It seems that I don't know, when to just be a listening ear, and just be a friend. I don't have to always respond, and have the answers. I guess I just wanted to be the one with all the answers, basically a god-like mentality. I wanted to take your place in people's lives God, and have them seek me instead, the way that I allowed certain people, or things to replace you in my life. I allowed things, or people to come into our relationship. That's idolatry, because they were above You.

Father God, how did I become a core? You have made my decisions, and inability to be vulnerable and raw with you, affect the lives of others. My selfish, defensive, immature ways, affected the lives of those who are all connected to me. You have caused so much, by your large step back. I take full responsibility and ownership of my wrongdoings. I was at fault for some of the redirections, that occurred, but God as I choose to be more vulnerable with you, I pray that you correct what needs correction. 

"Oh, I've heard a thousand stories

Of what they think You're like

But I've heard the tender whisper

Of love in the dead of night

And You tell me that You're pleased

And that I'm never alone"

God I made our relationship extremely on a case by case basis. I mind screwed myself so much that I locked myself up in a mask, with a key that can no longer be found. I'm truly scared of you God. I'm afraid to let you in, because there's the worldly pull that u believe, only I can control. There's a vindictiveness, in me that only I think I can control. There's a cheater in me, that only I think I can control. There's a flesh in me that I don't want to surrender, to you that is messing up every area of my life. Instead of giving it up to you, I'm holding on to it, because there's a reliability that I have towards myself. 

I had this since, I was a young girl, I made the mental switch, to not trust anything but myself; the day my dad left my sister and I, when I was six and she was two years old, all alone in the house. I blamed you for that day. I prayed that you would make what I thought was a bad dream that would go away, and then it turned out that it was my reality. I spent that day just lost, and forever changed my trajectory of you. Fast forward to now, and I just forever cling to hurt, because it's what I truly know. I choose to not get vulnerable with you, because then I won't get hurt, and I won't have to get upset at you. I won't hold you, to a standard that you won't meet. I humanize God. I made you so tangible. I became able to connect with you only, when I think you can meet my expectations. That's how messed up, I am in the head. But yet you still want to make me your core. 

I am begging you to take me away God, and to just take me up like Enoch in Genesis. 

I idolize my parents, for so long that I have their broken mentality. I literally become combative like my mother, as well as make assumptions that began to feed my growing paranoid thoughts. I became like my father, where I would be focus on chasing money and just be cheap, and a liar; and just talk down to people. I became like them because I choose to place them above you. Even in the years when you're trying, to separate me from them, I choose them. 

You probably have been telling me it's time to move away, and I haven't because I put them on a pedestal. I did this. I became fixated with their brokenness, and made it something that I too should have. I wanted to be like my earthly parents instead of like your son Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for all of us. I wanted the world and nothing else. I wanted status and nothing else. I want what I want, and why can't I have it God? 

Is this what you wanted me to reveal God? Is this what you wanted out? All of this is disturbing.

But you know that I still choose you and I still worship you Abba. But when will I make the mental switch, and fully surrender all of this to you? 

The Casting Crowns version of Good, Good Father, simply describes just how good God is. 

"You're a good good Father

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are

And I'm loved by You

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am"

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Anchor — February 17, 2016

Anchor

 

2/14/16

Father God, tender my heart towards my friends, and towards everyone. Be with me father God, because I have checked out from everything, including work. I cannot continue to do this any longer. I need to take action, and make moves. I am praying and calling out to you, to help me make those moves, and to just wreck me in all areas of my life. I’m like falling asleep during this BTKids! Service. I feel exhausted, and just not okay. Why does this happened God, why am I so tired and restless, please fix it. I am just so tired Lord, how do I even fight this? Why is this happening to me? I just know God, that this has gotten so far, and I’m just needing to fight. I struggle backing up my words God, it’s challenging for me, to express, what’s on my mind. I need to lean on you, on how to do this. How do I do this God? I ask, because I want your responses to these questions. I have to do something God. I have to take action. 

God be with the Guyana Missions Trip. I pray that their plans, for today is successful, and goes without a hitch.

 
In every season, in every change

You are near

In every sorrow, 

You are my strength

You are near

Father God, just take over. I want you, and I want your will for my life. I want the supernatural God. I want to change the bitterness, and resentment that I have shown Naomi*. I do not want to, emotionally manipulate anyone anymore. I just want you Abba, there’s an ache in my heart that only you can fill. I want you. I’ll keep chasing after you. I want to evolve and grow; and not have things stay the same. I’m scared of the next steps, but I have to take them in order to move forward. What is forward God? I just know that I need to move forward, I don’t know to where. I just want you. I’m in love with you God. I’m so scared. Fear is not of you, so I rebuke it. But I need you God, I need you in every single area of my life. I need you. Can I hear from you? Talk to me God, tell me what you need me to know. I am trying to increase my faith in you, but I can’t do it, on my own understanding, I need you. Just take over God. Take over. Set me free, from myself so that I can be on fire for you. I want to do things in love. I want you God above all. Draw me close to you. What is the surrendering, that I’m not giving to you? I need to fight, but I need your spirit in order to fight. Thank you God for hearing my prayers, and for just wanting me, to have your peace above all. I thank you dear God for the honesty. I thank you for your love and grace. God you are so patient with me, when I’m not even patient with you or anyone. Make the necessary changes, in my heart and mind; and all of me dear God. I give you all of me.

Father God, why doesn’t it feel like I surrendered, or grown in the last two years? Why am I holding on to this ugly? Why am I such a creature of habit? Please fix me, and change me dear God. Please. I beg you to fix me. To change me. I’m tired of this feeling, that I have been feeling. I’m tired of just hearing, that I haven’t changed. I’m tired God. I’m so exhausted by all of this. I’m so drained, and honestly I don’t know what more, I haven’t given you. I give you my life Lord. Please have your way with me. Please. I go lower. This isn’t easy, but I still say yes to you. Father God please change me. Please consume me from the inside out. This hurts seeing what Regina Ann* sent to me. The fact, that I haven’t changed, just been masking myself for two years. Lord, just transform me. Just change me Lord. Make me new, a whole new person. Someone else that isn’t me. Make me a servant, and a vessel Lord. Make me no longer fall asleep Lord. I want to wake up now, and see you. I want to hear from you. I want to feel you. Lord are you silent with me, or I just can’t hear you? I just can’t feel you Lord. I just want you to heal me, and repair me. Father God, how am I suppose to feel? What is the next steps that I take? Why am I swimming, or drowning in my own vomit? Why did it have to go this far? Father God, I don’t know who else to talk to? So I’m going to type to you. I need you God. I need you to please guide me. Please heal me. Please change me. I’ll make moves God. I don’t know what moves to make, but I’ll make them. I believe that. Father God, take the wheel.

I’m holding on to hope 

I’m holding on to grace

I’m fully letting go

I’m surrendered to Your ways


2/15/16

It’s a new day father, what happens now? What comes next? This desire that I have to sleep is so whack. It’s like I want to sleep the day away. What is this father God? How did this come about? The restlessness is so hard sometimes to fight, father God, I need to lean on your strength instead. Please tell me how to.

Father God be with Regina Ann* and Noami’s* dynamic and sisterhood. Father God, reveal the truth about Ishmel* and Ezekiel* Discern the truth, to Noami, on if she’s supposed to be doing what she is. All that matters at this moment right now, father God is your truth, of the whole thing. Each one of us, is walking through a season, that makes no sense. It’s like John 15, where Jesus’ last words, were abiding in Him. This is an insane pruning process, that we are all going through, all I beg of you, is your truth Lord, so that we can, all discern the next steps forward; and do what is it, that you want us to do. Keep peeling back our vines, and preparing us, for the next faze, in our branches, so we only produce good fruits.

Be with Jackson* father God, continue to prune him, and mold him to be the God-fearing man, that you are calling him to be. That he is going to be. That he’s already showing signs, he’s accepting, and owning day by day. Work in him father God. God I pray for the day, that we have to speak to each other, make it clear God. For him and me. Make it so obvious dear God. I just want your hand, in this father God, in everything.

The anchor for my soul 

Father You will never change 

I love you, I love you

 

1/16/16

Father God thank you for another day. Thank you for your love, grace, and mercy on our lives. There is no one like you God. I am praying for just clarity, and truth dear God. Clarity and discernment on what you want me to pray for, for Jackson*. I’m getting his health. Is that true God? I just want to be sure, that I’m hearing from you. I pray that he is all right father God. I pray that he is seeking, good healthy eating habits; and that he is able to mediate on the word and seek you always. I pray he doesn’t get stressed out. That he prays, and discerns before he does anything. I pray that he takes everything to you. I pray for God-fearing individuals, to be around him. I pray that he seeks, Godly wisdom and council, and no matter what advice he is given he takes it to you. I pray that he starts his day with you, spends throughout his day seeking, and talking to you. I pray that God he remembers, what you are calling him to do. He keeps in the focus, of his mind, that he is a servant to your kingdom. Father God, please tell me, what to pray for Jackson.* I pray for discernment and truth. I pray for wisdom. I pray that he is challenged, and pushed to grow; and he seeks you always Lord. I pray that Jackson leans on the spirit, and not his own understanding. God you have him, and I have faith in you will keep having him.

 Increase my faith in you Lord. Please increase it to be at the highest degrees, limitless. I no longer want to live in doubt or fear. I no longer what to lean on my own understanding. Please put the words in my mouth to pray. Cast out these secular songs, that pop up in my head father God. Just put them to rest. 

Be with Dakota* dear God. You know what she is going through, right now, with her emotions; towards everything that’s coming up with her. Father God, I pray for a spirit of protection, and peace to guide over. I pray that she leans on you, and not her own understanding. I pray for wisdom for her when she is speaking, with some of the scholars at our job. I pray that, she senses and feels your presence dear God.

 Father God, I know that you are near me, and that you are working all things out. This is difficult God. Saying no to my mom for her food, can I move out God where it’s easier to not be around her? Father God, I just say yes to you. I’m making active moves. I started looking for jobs, and now I’m looking for teaching residency programs, that I can possible get into. I checked out God. I checked out because I was passionate, about things, but also when I heard that there’s a strong possibility, I can be taking advantage of, that forced me, to checkout as well. Seeing that Regina Ann* applied for the Saturday tutoring, triggered me not knowing what to do. I just want to make the right choices. 

She’s always telling me to pray and discern, what anyone tells me, including what she tells me. I didn’t pray on what she told me, I’ve been failing to do that, pray on things. It’s so hard God, but you’re stronger. I give these burdens, on to you and walk in faith, that you have me. I start today with walking in faith, I can no longer hide from things, you’re telling me to make decisions and choices. Father God, I choose you always Abba.

 I feel like I am having a meltdown father God. I’m just so over the fact, that I can’t figure things out. My critical thinking skills are out of whack. I feel like I am unable to process, or understand what someone is telling me; especially when they are giving me sound advice on what to do. This sucks God. So not what I wanted to happen at this moment. I totally am fed up with the fact, that I can’t discern, or understand what you are telling me to do or not do. For instance, with this Saturday opportunity that the fellowship is offering, I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t want to fall into the trap, of chasing money, like I did back when I was working direct sales four years ago. God I need you to show me the way. Maybe you are, and I’m not understanding. I need you to just guide me Lord on what to do. Hearing that I need to make moves, when I don’t know what moves to make is very annoying. I had a conversation with Talia* this past Friday, before the break, and her saying that if I got the residency, she doesn’t think that I would make it. Hearing that really hurt dear God. 

Regina Ann* explaining that means that she doesn’t think I’m motivated, or that I’m lazy also hurt. All of these emotions are so hard to bear right now God, because I don’t understand, why didn’t I work multiple jobs, to build my work experience? Why did I stay as long as I did in the direct sales business? Why didn’t I do this or that began coming to me, and I just feel like I’m stupid. Regina Ann* was smart to do what she did, with her life and the job history she has. Everyone knows what to do, and I feel like I don’t. I feel like I have no clue, on what to do. Is teaching even a passion, or did I make that up? What is my passion? My purpose? What is it that I like to do? I feel like I’m going to be 28 years old, and just wasted her life. All I knew to do growing up, was help out my parents.
I spent my entire time, helping them out, and staying indoors, watching soap operas or whatever that was on tv. I didn’t travel much, until I got to college; and worked in direct sales. I don’t know what to love but you God. There’s so much turmoil, and feelings of loneliness that I feel. It feels like no one understands, what it’s like to be my age and don’t know yourself. I brought myself here, how do I get myself out dear God? How? Is it through worship? Is it through praise? How do I overcome this? Why am I here? Alive even? When I am in the space that I am in. I am having trouble with so much. I need to see a specialist about this problem, and that problem, it’s so depressing. It’s like I am 27 year old, with a 72 year old health symptoms. I know I sound ungrateful right now, but it’s how I feel. Why did I allow all of this to get this far? Why didn’t I fight growing up? There are so much whys right now. Take these burdens dear God. Just exchange them with your peace.

God you are the best decision, I ever made and I will always choose you. I was overwhelm with emotions, and just the fact that I brought myself to this place and space. I lay them all at your feet, at your throne, and move from this space trusting and believing in you. I choose to increase my faith in you Abba. I choose to trust, the invisible and the supernatural. I chase after you, and after them. Father God it’s a mental switch that I am choosing to make. I choose to make that mental switch once and for all. I can’t look back, nor left or right. I can’t look to anyone but only to you.

I will remember Your promise forever

My Strength, my Defender

I can count on You

You are my Savior, My Hope and my Shelter

Your love is forever

I can count on You

 
2/17/16
Thank you father God for just another day. I decided to make some moves, and call up a sleeping institute for my restlessness. I have an appointment tomorrow, I pray for your covering father God. I pray that there can be solutions, and results that can lead to healing and overcoming this problem; that I’ve had for so many years. Father God I would no longer fall asleep, during sermons or in the middle of something. I can finally get a good night’s rest. God I pray for that. God I trust that you will take over, and work that out. This pruning is draining, and overwhelming; but you’re my anchor and you are keeping me through. You are my strength, and your voice is what I will always follow.

 Anchor sung by Leah Mari on the Bethel Music, You Make Me Brave album best describes how I am fighting to anchor myself to God. Pushing myself to spend more time in his presence then away from him. Chasing for moments of stillness with him than anything else.

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)  — February 9, 2016

In Over My Head (Crash Over Me) 

“I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been

And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind……”

I’m just annoyed at a lot of things. I think my friendship with Naomi* really annoys me, that fact that she can be able to have time for a guy, instead of a supposed “friend” bothers me. To me, it shows her true colors, about her friendship with me versus others. I feel some type of way about this God. I feel like I’m trying, to make things work with her; while it just comes off, like she just doesn’t try. I don’t know even know, what do, or think. Maybe it’s just me, having a bruised ego. That’s not fair, that there’s people in my life, who are not feeding my bull, like Daniel* and Regina Ann.* That’s the thing with emotional manipulation, it just becomes a lifestyle. It becomes a game, that I do with everyone, in terms of seeing what I can get them to believe. It’s sickening, to a massive degree, and even admitting this, is like something that I didn’t want to do. 

Apparently, that means that I’m shedding. The truth is, I think that there’s a part of me that doesn’t. A part of that wants things, to remain as they are, because, then I don’t have to be responsible, or accountable for anything. Responsible for growing up, but with friendships like Regina Ann, and Daniel, that isn’t going to happen is it God? I’m going to have to grow up, don’t I father God? I’m going to have, to just face the facts, and grow up. I’m having to face the facts, that I’m surrendering one way, or another. I have to surrender, these obsessive traits, that I have. 

It seems, that I have been living through my flesh. It seems, like I’m just waiting around, for some big miracle showcase, to happen instead of taking the steps, that I need to take to draw closer to you. You know my heart? Do I want to draw closer to you? Do I want to be spirit lead, and heaven? What do I really want God? Can I even trust, how I feel? Or this brokenness I feed? It’s to satisfy Wynee isn’t it? But am I really satisfied? It’s to ensure, that she gets the best this, and that but doesn’t live for you; at least not wholeheartedly. I am just so caught up, in what I see, that I truly have forgotten, what it means to live by faith. I have given myself, amnesia on being lead by faith, and not by sight; because this, is where the obsessive traits kick in. Lord just be my rock. The battle is so real. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand seeing this ugly, and I can’t stand, not being able to control anything anymore. 

I get why in the bible it states, that we are fighting against evils, and spiritual warfare, is so real. It’s quite obvious, the hold that the enemy, wants to have on me. It’s quite obvious through my jealousy, and comparison. I want whatever it is that Regina Ann wants. I just want it, because I feel like I deserved it too; that I have suffered too. I want it, because she’s popular, and well-liked; and I want to feel that way too. There’s so much brokenness on why I like it. There’s so much ridiculous, reasons on why I want things. 

I compare because I’m easily jealous, and I’m easily envious. I didn’t get the Jordan’s or the latest anything, when I was growing up, so when I stared making money, I worked hard to buy myself things; because I thought that it would replace, those feelings, from when I was growing up. Envy and jealousy are things, that I grew up seeing. I grew with my mother, being envious and jealous of me, as well as my father. I grew up, seeing my mother’s family, just be jealous of my mother, when she was nothing but kind to them. I grew up, seeing my father, go above and beyond, for his family members, and they just used him. The brokenness just runs so deep. And broken people break. It’s all the flesh knows. I now have this bad seed in me, a tree that has grown quietly, for so long but branches have extended; so far but I pray to God to cut off, and just bring it back to the roots. 

Back to the foundation, where they are built, with the good seeds of the spirit. It’s going to be a battle. It’s going to be a tussle, and a fight to grow the new tree up properly; exactly, how God wants it to grow. For a while now, I took my eyes of the prize, heaven. I became obsessed, with living for the world. I became ingrained, with satisfying my flesh. I forgot, that I was saved, to win lost souls over to Christ. I was serving, and going through the motions; but forgot that Christ died, so that I can be free, and I took this freedom in vain. I instead, wanted this freedom, to be traded in for my own dreams, goals and desires. I stopped seeking God. I literally stopped, seeking his face. His breath. His warmth, and grace. I stopped seeking everything. I just carried on with life, and then I slowly developed a routine, that I can sponge off, from others, and mirror what they, are doing; to create the Christianity relationship that would be good enough for Christ. All it did, was create distance from my earth relationships, but more importantly, you God. 

“Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be……”

2/9/16

God, I almost decided, to ruin my friendship with Regina Ann again. I just decided, to just do what’s best for Wynee, again. But you intervened once again. You saved our friendship. You keep using Regina Ann, to show me grace; and now here I am, just ashamed of myself. I’m disgusted with myself. I keep wanting, what she experienced in the past. She keeps telling me, to follow Jesus, only He matters, and I keep not listening. I want her past life. The part, that she was going to places, and partying. VIPs, bottle services, fancy dinners. I want to experience that. I’m annoyed, that I don’t get to experience that. I think it’s because, in my mind, I have this fantasy, of how my life, should be living out. 

I am wanting, this fantasy reality, that I desire to be my reality. I want things of this world. I keep missing the mark God. I keep making the same decisions, and choices over, and over. I keep saying, that I want what I want; I do not care what gets destroyed, in the process. That’s the thing with sin and flesh, it destroys; and creates blinders, to see what it is, that I’m really doing: living an ungodly life. I’m living a world, where I think that I got it, and I’m in control; with making my own decisions. That’s so not even close, to the truth, when I gave my life to Jesus; I said yes to His will and to His truth, not my own. That means what’s done in the dark, will come out to the light. Nothing is buried, or hidden with God, for long. Nothing is kept a secret, just goes in hibernation, until God is ready, for it to come to the surface. 

I am making it more, and more attempts to spend time with God; and the more that I do, the more, that he just rips into me. God, is taking out everything, that is not of him. The thing with that, is that I have no say how God does it. He is grown and is God, so basically He can do it, however which way He wants. This shedding, and spilling of the truth, is a lot for me. Really talking about things, and really being called out of my bull, is a lot; and very nerve-wrecking. I am so used to just covering things up, and just lying. I’m used, to manipulating situations, that causes me, to never have to be honest, with anyone including myself. That is years, of this nasty habit, that I’m having, to finally come face to face with. That is years, of just not even dealing, with my issues; but instead piling them, on with new issues, and nasty habits, that I now have to answer to.

God makes us deal with our actions, one way or another. Sometimes, God lets us, live in our sin, until it’s impossible to stay in the ugly, until we finally tap out; because it’s a suffocating ugly. God has us, look ourselves, in the mirror, and really see us, for who we are, and how we need Him. The more I see, how much nastiness lives in me, is the more I realize, that I desperately need Jesus. I am not a nice person; I am a flawed sinner, who desperately needs to seek Jesus, on a daily, moment to moment, level. I have to seek Him, so that I can surrender, all of this once, and for all. I get why I’m single, because if I was in a relationship, with a Godly man, then I would just ruin the relationship; and God doesn’t want any man to go through that. I don’t think, any man on earth, should have to deal with this, but God somehow, loves me enough, to say I want to deal with this. I want to clean, you out, and make you face, your demons, and make me, accept His truths. 

“Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in 

Let love come teach me who You are again

Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to……”

There’s suppose to be healing, to come after all of this; and I think I am a bit timid to receive it. It’s like God is freeing me, and I don’t know how to receive the freedom, that He wants to give me. The only thing, I can think to do, is worship Him. Praise His name, because He still has a purpose for me, that’s the only reason, why I am alive today. That’s the only reason, why I still have breath. God has a purpose for me. It’s bigger than, what I can ever think, it will be; it is what Regina Ann has said, the thing is, I’ve been thinking so small, my whole entire life. I have downplayed, my relationship with God, as a result. I’ve categorize my faith, into a small box, that I waver with back and forth, based on what I see. I sometimes trust God, and most of the time, lean on my own understanding. 

I lean on, what I think I can do, or how I can handle it. I barely go to God, for stuff instead, of allowing things to escalate; that shouldn’t be, when I want Him, to save me. Then, I immediately turn back, into doing things on my own accord. And feeding my flesh. I have turn my relationship, with God into a hero who will save me, on my command. It’s not like that, it will never be. God still loves me though, He is still wanting me to know, that I am going to be okay. Because I am His. Nothing, will ever change that. I will never lose His love. I’m free falling, and He perfectly covers me. There’s so much ugly, and He’s determined to make me new. I’m in over my head. Sink or swim, I’m all in.

In Over My Head by Bethel Music describes how I’ve been feeling. How I was, boxing God, and just searching for things, to satisfy me; but was lost in the world, and things of my flesh. I am now, deep in ocean, just wanting God, to baptize me all over again, with his love, and crashing into God’s sovereignty, and wholeness. 

He Knows My Name — February 8, 2016

He Knows My Name

“He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,His forever, held in treasure…

I am loved”

2/7/16
Father God it’s literally one month before my birthday and I just want to surrender my all to you. I just want to give you all of me, and all of the things that are not of you that’s inside of me. Father God, just work in me. I have to meet you. I have to make changes. There’s so much, that I need to give to you. So much that I desire and want to have. There’s so much that I feel. I guess I’m easily bothered by things. 

I just want to be locked up, in my room sleeping, but that’s not good. I want to not be bothered, by Regina Ann* and Naomi’s* friendship. I easily am. Jackson* walked by me, and act like he didn’t see Me. How should I feel about that? I just don’t understand this season at all. And then Regina Ann, picks up things but can’t tell me about it. The fact that Daniel* jokes about my turmoil. There’s so much, that I need; I need your blood to wash over me. Why can’t I shift, my focus on you, and not on things of this world? 

I’m grateful for another day God. I’m grateful for breath, but most of all, I’m thankful for you. No one else is there but you. You’re always there God. There’s so much heaviness, when I see certain things. Jackson is no longer giving me the butterflies; that’s something that I will miss, until you choose, to return them again if that’s your will. I have to trust you God. I want supernatural joy, that the pastor was speaking about, yesterday at church. That’s what I want, and I will seek you to have it. 

God, Naomi just gave Regina Ann a new necklace. How come I can’t get gifts, or at least buy my own? That’s what I’m talking about God. I can’t do my own thing, so why do I have, to watch their friendship? And watch what they do? Father God, I just want to have a sisterhood, with real people. Please show me that, and I am praying for that. I also am praying, that I can handle the truth, when someone tells me, about myself, and give me critiques. 

I had two slices of pizza God. I also seem to think that I have a double chin, because all I see, are imperfections; not the beauty that you have blessed me with. This probably hurts you father God, and probably just cause you to say my child why? I don’t know why. There’s something inside of me, that’s unsettled with who I am. That is probably, what I have to, surrender and give to you. I need to renew my mind, in this area, where I am constantly thinking, that there’s something wrong with me. I constantly need, to be in your word, and rely on the truth; in your word, and not in my own lies. Cast out the lies, that live in my head, father God. Cast out these bandages, and traps, that I have allowed myself to believe in. 

Father God, be with Jackson. God I think, he thinks, that he made this whole thing up, so God only you, can give him the answers to that. Only you, can show him, and reveal to him, the truth. Father God, I pray that he continues, to trust in you, and is able to discern, what is of you, and what is not. I pray, that he does everything in the spirit, and only in the spirit. I pray, that you stretch him, and grow him, so that he can be pruned; to be more like Christ, and less of his flesh, or of the world. 

God I feel so alone, can I have your strength? Can I feel your love? I need your protection, and warmth. I need your hand, on my shoulder to guide me. I think when I was at the fellowship outlying yesterday, something was flaring me, and whatever it was, it’s causing me, to just want to cry. God, I just want to crawl in my bed and cry. There’s so much that I feel. I have done this to myself. I have created this ostracizing, feeling that I feel, and now I give it to you. 

God, I pray for the friendships that I have. I pray, that they are actually centered around you. I pray for you working in me. My surrendering, I pray that I do it daily, that I consistently, seek you and find you. I pray that you reveal, to me Lord, the areas that I need work in. The areas that I need to continue to give to you. Father God, I thank you for Misty*, and for giving me a moment of her time. I pray that you strengthen her, and see her true worth in you. I pray that you continue to watch over her. You guide her, and mold her to be more like you. Father God, continue to pour your love into her, letting her know that she is valued and loved, but thinks about your love and grace, and thanksgiving. Lord, I thank you, for the moment that we shared that was honest and real. I thank you for her words to be refocused, and seeking you. Father God continue to use her, and have her be a light for your kingdom.

Amen 

Thank you, father for your love, and grace. Thank you for food in my stomach, and air to breathe. Thank you, God, for waking me up this morning. Father God, you have my mother, and her job. You have the house. You have my dad, his job, and my sister, and her opportunities. You have them all. Thank you, God for all your blessings. 

2/8/16

Thank you father God for your blessings in my life. Thank you father God, for waking me up this morning, and watching over me. Thank you father God, for your strength and peace. Thank you for just pulling me out, of the dark hole, that I was in, two to three years ago; that I still battle being, thank you dear God. Father God, Regina Ann everyday, tells me that I’m not surrendering, every single day. It’s really disheartening, to know that every single day, it’s the same tale, that I’m not surrendering. Father God, can you just drag out of me, all things that I’m not surrendering to you? Can you just work in me God? Show me God, where I’m not surrendering, so that I may, give it to you. Show me God. Where I am battling, releasing control, in certain areas of my life onto you; dear God, how am I suppose to respond to that Abba? How am I suppose to feel? Why is that, it comes of as being unloved or supported? Is that how I register, constructive criticism? Not being loved?

Heart check though, who am I surrendering for? If I’m not doing it for you, then I repent, because it’s only you, that I should be focused on. I seem to be getting worse every day. When will I get it right God? When will I get out of your way? When will I get it together on what to do? When will these loads on my back come off? Or when I will no longer be focused on what others think about me? When will chains of validation in man be broken? There’s so much that I’m asking for. I am just wanting you God, and for so long I was looking, for other things in order to find you or replace you. I was wanting Jackson, to be what can replace this void and emptiness, but only you can fill me. The void that I feel, was what I thought he could fill. So that I can have someone, or something tangible. 

This question was asked by Regina Ann: “Do you want to grow in God for you? Or because it’ll bring Jackson to me?” That’s where I need to do a heart check, for that because, I need to realize that, you see right through my bull God. So does Regina Ann. I have to grow in you because you are God; not because, it will bring Jackson to me. No one, should be more important than you. 

You may redirect Jackson, and I have to be okay with that; because, I’m not growing in you, and I’m caught up in other things, in the horizontal. Father God, I’m caught up, in how I look, or even if my own fulfilled desires of what, I can achieve or get. I went back to my flesh. Back to wanting what’s best for me. What Wynee can gain, and how many short cuts she can take; without experiencing, “the correction, or the ownership, to fix my mistakes, aka the hard.” But, this is very hard father God, very hard. I guess I really am just having to make a decision, since I’m faced with the cold heart truth. I haven’t been changing, because my motives haven’t been pure, have they God? You have seen, that I’ve had my own selfish desires, and you literally, have been blocking me, from doing anything. 

So that explains, why I’ve been dealing with this wrestling, for the last couple months. Why the more, that I am writing to you, the more gets revealed. The more, I outwardly can no longer mask anything. The more, that I turn to you, the more that you start showing me, who I really am, and the messes, that I have made; and the sins that I have committed, yet you still love me God. You still love me. I don’t know what to say, or to do. I think I’m ashamed for the truth, that has been revealed about what, I have been doing. 

I’m ashamed, because I realize, that there’s so much “tar,” that you need to remove, from my heart. I haven’t been honest, with myself, that’s why things, have been so hard, for me lately. I just want to have what others have, and more. That’s why I keep comparing myself to my best friends, and our relationships, are suffering because of it. I wanted the world over you God. I wanted the tangible; I was battling serving two masters. I was battling, serving my flesh, which was denying, and suffocating my spirit. So father God, what happens now? I’m afraid to seek you, but yet, I sense that it’s, what you want to me to do. To still seek you, from my heart, and not for any other reason. Not for the approval of Naomi, Regina Ann, Daniel, or any other flawed human. We are all broken, that are being made new. Only you can make us new, no one else. You know us all by name. Not because I’m being told this, or that by any human. But because you are God, so where do I go from here Abba, how do I even begin? Show me. I’m ready.

The words from Francesca Battistelli’s song “He Knows My” describes how I felt and just want I am currently going through…..
“Spent today in a conversation

In the mirror face to face with

somebody less than perfect

I wouldn’t choose me first if

I was looking for a champion

In fact I’d understand if

You picked everyone before me

But that’s just not my story

True to who You are

You saw my heart

and made

Something out of nothing”



Happy reading!! Happy listening!!

God bless!! Xo!!

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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