“He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,His forever, held in treasure…
I am loved”
Father God it’s literally one month before my birthday and I just want to surrender my all to you. I just want to give you all of me, and all of the things that are not of you that’s inside of me. Father God, just work in me. I have to meet you. I have to make changes. There’s so much, that I need to give to you. So much that I desire and want to have. There’s so much that I feel. I guess I’m easily bothered by things.
I just want to be locked up, in my room sleeping, but that’s not good. I want to not be bothered, by Regina Ann* and Naomi’s* friendship. I easily am. Jackson* walked by me, and act like he didn’t see Me. How should I feel about that? I just don’t understand this season at all. And then Regina Ann, picks up things but can’t tell me about it. The fact that Daniel* jokes about my turmoil. There’s so much, that I need; I need your blood to wash over me. Why can’t I shift, my focus on you, and not on things of this world?
I’m grateful for another day God. I’m grateful for breath, but most of all, I’m thankful for you. No one else is there but you. You’re always there God. There’s so much heaviness, when I see certain things. Jackson is no longer giving me the butterflies; that’s something that I will miss, until you choose, to return them again if that’s your will. I have to trust you God. I want supernatural joy, that the pastor was speaking about, yesterday at church. That’s what I want, and I will seek you to have it.
God, Naomi just gave Regina Ann a new necklace. How come I can’t get gifts, or at least buy my own? That’s what I’m talking about God. I can’t do my own thing, so why do I have, to watch their friendship? And watch what they do? Father God, I just want to have a sisterhood, with real people. Please show me that, and I am praying for that. I also am praying, that I can handle the truth, when someone tells me, about myself, and give me critiques.
I had two slices of pizza God. I also seem to think that I have a double chin, because all I see, are imperfections; not the beauty that you have blessed me with. This probably hurts you father God, and probably just cause you to say my child why? I don’t know why. There’s something inside of me, that’s unsettled with who I am. That is probably, what I have to, surrender and give to you. I need to renew my mind, in this area, where I am constantly thinking, that there’s something wrong with me. I constantly need, to be in your word, and rely on the truth; in your word, and not in my own lies. Cast out the lies, that live in my head, father God. Cast out these bandages, and traps, that I have allowed myself to believe in.
Father God, be with Jackson. God I think, he thinks, that he made this whole thing up, so God only you, can give him the answers to that. Only you, can show him, and reveal to him, the truth. Father God, I pray that he continues, to trust in you, and is able to discern, what is of you, and what is not. I pray, that he does everything in the spirit, and only in the spirit. I pray, that you stretch him, and grow him, so that he can be pruned; to be more like Christ, and less of his flesh, or of the world.
God I feel so alone, can I have your strength? Can I feel your love? I need your protection, and warmth. I need your hand, on my shoulder to guide me. I think when I was at the fellowship outlying yesterday, something was flaring me, and whatever it was, it’s causing me, to just want to cry. God, I just want to crawl in my bed and cry. There’s so much that I feel. I have done this to myself. I have created this ostracizing, feeling that I feel, and now I give it to you.
God, I pray for the friendships that I have. I pray, that they are actually centered around you. I pray for you working in me. My surrendering, I pray that I do it daily, that I consistently, seek you and find you. I pray that you reveal, to me Lord, the areas that I need work in. The areas that I need to continue to give to you. Father God, I thank you for Misty*, and for giving me a moment of her time. I pray that you strengthen her, and see her true worth in you. I pray that you continue to watch over her. You guide her, and mold her to be more like you. Father God, continue to pour your love into her, letting her know that she is valued and loved, but thinks about your love and grace, and thanksgiving. Lord, I thank you, for the moment that we shared that was honest and real. I thank you for her words to be refocused, and seeking you. Father God continue to use her, and have her be a light for your kingdom.
Thank you, father for your love, and grace. Thank you for food in my stomach, and air to breathe. Thank you, God, for waking me up this morning. Father God, you have my mother, and her job. You have the house. You have my dad, his job, and my sister, and her opportunities. You have them all. Thank you, God for all your blessings.
Thank you father God for your blessings in my life. Thank you father God, for waking me up this morning, and watching over me. Thank you father God, for your strength and peace. Thank you for just pulling me out, of the dark hole, that I was in, two to three years ago; that I still battle being, thank you dear God. Father God, Regina Ann everyday, tells me that I’m not surrendering, every single day. It’s really disheartening, to know that every single day, it’s the same tale, that I’m not surrendering. Father God, can you just drag out of me, all things that I’m not surrendering to you? Can you just work in me God? Show me God, where I’m not surrendering, so that I may, give it to you. Show me God. Where I am battling, releasing control, in certain areas of my life onto you; dear God, how am I suppose to respond to that Abba? How am I suppose to feel? Why is that, it comes of as being unloved or supported? Is that how I register, constructive criticism? Not being loved?
Heart check though, who am I surrendering for? If I’m not doing it for you, then I repent, because it’s only you, that I should be focused on. I seem to be getting worse every day. When will I get it right God? When will I get out of your way? When will I get it together on what to do? When will these loads on my back come off? Or when I will no longer be focused on what others think about me? When will chains of validation in man be broken? There’s so much that I’m asking for. I am just wanting you God, and for so long I was looking, for other things in order to find you or replace you. I was wanting Jackson, to be what can replace this void and emptiness, but only you can fill me. The void that I feel, was what I thought he could fill. So that I can have someone, or something tangible.
This question was asked by Regina Ann: “Do you want to grow in God for you? Or because it’ll bring Jackson to me?” That’s where I need to do a heart check, for that because, I need to realize that, you see right through my bull God. So does Regina Ann. I have to grow in you because you are God; not because, it will bring Jackson to me. No one, should be more important than you.
You may redirect Jackson, and I have to be okay with that; because, I’m not growing in you, and I’m caught up in other things, in the horizontal. Father God, I’m caught up, in how I look, or even if my own fulfilled desires of what, I can achieve or get. I went back to my flesh. Back to wanting what’s best for me. What Wynee can gain, and how many short cuts she can take; without experiencing, “the correction, or the ownership, to fix my mistakes, aka the hard.” But, this is very hard father God, very hard. I guess I really am just having to make a decision, since I’m faced with the cold heart truth. I haven’t been changing, because my motives haven’t been pure, have they God? You have seen, that I’ve had my own selfish desires, and you literally, have been blocking me, from doing anything.
So that explains, why I’ve been dealing with this wrestling, for the last couple months. Why the more, that I am writing to you, the more gets revealed. The more, I outwardly can no longer mask anything. The more, that I turn to you, the more that you start showing me, who I really am, and the messes, that I have made; and the sins that I have committed, yet you still love me God. You still love me. I don’t know what to say, or to do. I think I’m ashamed for the truth, that has been revealed about what, I have been doing.
I’m ashamed, because I realize, that there’s so much “tar,” that you need to remove, from my heart. I haven’t been honest, with myself, that’s why things, have been so hard, for me lately. I just want to have what others have, and more. That’s why I keep comparing myself to my best friends, and our relationships, are suffering because of it. I wanted the world over you God. I wanted the tangible; I was battling serving two masters. I was battling, serving my flesh, which was denying, and suffocating my spirit. So father God, what happens now? I’m afraid to seek you, but yet, I sense that it’s, what you want to me to do. To still seek you, from my heart, and not for any other reason. Not for the approval of Naomi, Regina Ann, Daniel, or any other flawed human. We are all broken, that are being made new. Only you can make us new, no one else. You know us all by name. Not because I’m being told this, or that by any human. But because you are God, so where do I go from here Abba, how do I even begin? Show me. I’m ready.
The words from Francesca Battistelli’s song “He Knows My” describes how I felt and just want I am currently going through…..
“Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
somebody less than perfect
I wouldn’t choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I’d understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that’s just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
Something out of nothing”
Happy reading!! Happy listening!!
God bless!! Xo!!
(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)