“I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind……”
I’m just annoyed at a lot of things. I think my friendship with Naomi* really annoys me, that fact that she can be able to have time for a guy, instead of a supposed “friend” bothers me. To me, it shows her true colors, about her friendship with me versus others. I feel some type of way about this God. I feel like I’m trying, to make things work with her; while it just comes off, like she just doesn’t try. I don’t know even know, what do, or think. Maybe it’s just me, having a bruised ego. That’s not fair, that there’s people in my life, who are not feeding my bull, like Daniel* and Regina Ann.* That’s the thing with emotional manipulation, it just becomes a lifestyle. It becomes a game, that I do with everyone, in terms of seeing what I can get them to believe. It’s sickening, to a massive degree, and even admitting this, is like something that I didn’t want to do.
Apparently, that means that I’m shedding. The truth is, I think that there’s a part of me that doesn’t. A part of that wants things, to remain as they are, because, then I don’t have to be responsible, or accountable for anything. Responsible for growing up, but with friendships like Regina Ann, and Daniel, that isn’t going to happen is it God? I’m going to have to grow up, don’t I father God? I’m going to have, to just face the facts, and grow up. I’m having to face the facts, that I’m surrendering one way, or another. I have to surrender, these obsessive traits, that I have.
It seems, that I have been living through my flesh. It seems, like I’m just waiting around, for some big miracle showcase, to happen instead of taking the steps, that I need to take to draw closer to you. You know my heart? Do I want to draw closer to you? Do I want to be spirit lead, and heaven? What do I really want God? Can I even trust, how I feel? Or this brokenness I feed? It’s to satisfy Wynee isn’t it? But am I really satisfied? It’s to ensure, that she gets the best this, and that but doesn’t live for you; at least not wholeheartedly. I am just so caught up, in what I see, that I truly have forgotten, what it means to live by faith. I have given myself, amnesia on being lead by faith, and not by sight; because this, is where the obsessive traits kick in. Lord just be my rock. The battle is so real. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand seeing this ugly, and I can’t stand, not being able to control anything anymore.
I get why in the bible it states, that we are fighting against evils, and spiritual warfare, is so real. It’s quite obvious, the hold that the enemy, wants to have on me. It’s quite obvious through my jealousy, and comparison. I want whatever it is that Regina Ann wants. I just want it, because I feel like I deserved it too; that I have suffered too. I want it, because she’s popular, and well-liked; and I want to feel that way too. There’s so much brokenness on why I like it. There’s so much ridiculous, reasons on why I want things.
I compare because I’m easily jealous, and I’m easily envious. I didn’t get the Jordan’s or the latest anything, when I was growing up, so when I stared making money, I worked hard to buy myself things; because I thought that it would replace, those feelings, from when I was growing up. Envy and jealousy are things, that I grew up seeing. I grew with my mother, being envious and jealous of me, as well as my father. I grew up, seeing my mother’s family, just be jealous of my mother, when she was nothing but kind to them. I grew up, seeing my father, go above and beyond, for his family members, and they just used him. The brokenness just runs so deep. And broken people break. It’s all the flesh knows. I now have this bad seed in me, a tree that has grown quietly, for so long but branches have extended; so far but I pray to God to cut off, and just bring it back to the roots.
Back to the foundation, where they are built, with the good seeds of the spirit. It’s going to be a battle. It’s going to be a tussle, and a fight to grow the new tree up properly; exactly, how God wants it to grow. For a while now, I took my eyes of the prize, heaven. I became obsessed, with living for the world. I became ingrained, with satisfying my flesh. I forgot, that I was saved, to win lost souls over to Christ. I was serving, and going through the motions; but forgot that Christ died, so that I can be free, and I took this freedom in vain. I instead, wanted this freedom, to be traded in for my own dreams, goals and desires. I stopped seeking God. I literally stopped, seeking his face. His breath. His warmth, and grace. I stopped seeking everything. I just carried on with life, and then I slowly developed a routine, that I can sponge off, from others, and mirror what they, are doing; to create the Christianity relationship that would be good enough for Christ. All it did, was create distance from my earth relationships, but more importantly, you God.
“Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be……”
God, I almost decided, to ruin my friendship with Regina Ann again. I just decided, to just do what’s best for Wynee, again. But you intervened once again. You saved our friendship. You keep using Regina Ann, to show me grace; and now here I am, just ashamed of myself. I’m disgusted with myself. I keep wanting, what she experienced in the past. She keeps telling me, to follow Jesus, only He matters, and I keep not listening. I want her past life. The part, that she was going to places, and partying. VIPs, bottle services, fancy dinners. I want to experience that. I’m annoyed, that I don’t get to experience that. I think it’s because, in my mind, I have this fantasy, of how my life, should be living out.
I am wanting, this fantasy reality, that I desire to be my reality. I want things of this world. I keep missing the mark God. I keep making the same decisions, and choices over, and over. I keep saying, that I want what I want; I do not care what gets destroyed, in the process. That’s the thing with sin and flesh, it destroys; and creates blinders, to see what it is, that I’m really doing: living an ungodly life. I’m living a world, where I think that I got it, and I’m in control; with making my own decisions. That’s so not even close, to the truth, when I gave my life to Jesus; I said yes to His will and to His truth, not my own. That means what’s done in the dark, will come out to the light. Nothing is buried, or hidden with God, for long. Nothing is kept a secret, just goes in hibernation, until God is ready, for it to come to the surface.
I am making it more, and more attempts to spend time with God; and the more that I do, the more, that he just rips into me. God, is taking out everything, that is not of him. The thing with that, is that I have no say how God does it. He is grown and is God, so basically He can do it, however which way He wants. This shedding, and spilling of the truth, is a lot for me. Really talking about things, and really being called out of my bull, is a lot; and very nerve-wrecking. I am so used to just covering things up, and just lying. I’m used, to manipulating situations, that causes me, to never have to be honest, with anyone including myself. That is years, of this nasty habit, that I’m having, to finally come face to face with. That is years, of just not even dealing, with my issues; but instead piling them, on with new issues, and nasty habits, that I now have to answer to.
God makes us deal with our actions, one way or another. Sometimes, God lets us, live in our sin, until it’s impossible to stay in the ugly, until we finally tap out; because it’s a suffocating ugly. God has us, look ourselves, in the mirror, and really see us, for who we are, and how we need Him. The more I see, how much nastiness lives in me, is the more I realize, that I desperately need Jesus. I am not a nice person; I am a flawed sinner, who desperately needs to seek Jesus, on a daily, moment to moment, level. I have to seek Him, so that I can surrender, all of this once, and for all. I get why I’m single, because if I was in a relationship, with a Godly man, then I would just ruin the relationship; and God doesn’t want any man to go through that. I don’t think, any man on earth, should have to deal with this, but God somehow, loves me enough, to say I want to deal with this. I want to clean, you out, and make you face, your demons, and make me, accept His truths.
“Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to……”
There’s suppose to be healing, to come after all of this; and I think I am a bit timid to receive it. It’s like God is freeing me, and I don’t know how to receive the freedom, that He wants to give me. The only thing, I can think to do, is worship Him. Praise His name, because He still has a purpose for me, that’s the only reason, why I am alive today. That’s the only reason, why I still have breath. God has a purpose for me. It’s bigger than, what I can ever think, it will be; it is what Regina Ann has said, the thing is, I’ve been thinking so small, my whole entire life. I have downplayed, my relationship with God, as a result. I’ve categorize my faith, into a small box, that I waver with back and forth, based on what I see. I sometimes trust God, and most of the time, lean on my own understanding.
I lean on, what I think I can do, or how I can handle it. I barely go to God, for stuff instead, of allowing things to escalate; that shouldn’t be, when I want Him, to save me. Then, I immediately turn back, into doing things on my own accord. And feeding my flesh. I have turn my relationship, with God into a hero who will save me, on my command. It’s not like that, it will never be. God still loves me though, He is still wanting me to know, that I am going to be okay. Because I am His. Nothing, will ever change that. I will never lose His love. I’m free falling, and He perfectly covers me. There’s so much ugly, and He’s determined to make me new. I’m in over my head. Sink or swim, I’m all in.
In Over My Head by Bethel Music describes how I’ve been feeling. How I was, boxing God, and just searching for things, to satisfy me; but was lost in the world, and things of my flesh. I am now, deep in ocean, just wanting God, to baptize me all over again, with his love, and crashing into God’s sovereignty, and wholeness.