2/14/16

Father God, tender my heart towards my friends, and towards everyone. Be with me father God, because I have checked out from everything, including work. I cannot continue to do this any longer. I need to take action, and make moves. I am praying and calling out to you, to help me make those moves, and to just wreck me in all areas of my life. I’m like falling asleep during this BTKids! Service. I feel exhausted, and just not okay. Why does this happened God, why am I so tired and restless, please fix it. I am just so tired Lord, how do I even fight this? Why is this happening to me? I just know God, that this has gotten so far, and I’m just needing to fight. I struggle backing up my words God, it’s challenging for me, to express, what’s on my mind. I need to lean on you, on how to do this. How do I do this God? I ask, because I want your responses to these questions. I have to do something God. I have to take action. 

God be with the Guyana Missions Trip. I pray that their plans, for today is successful, and goes without a hitch.

 
In every season, in every change

You are near

In every sorrow, 

You are my strength

You are near

Father God, just take over. I want you, and I want your will for my life. I want the supernatural God. I want to change the bitterness, and resentment that I have shown Naomi*. I do not want to, emotionally manipulate anyone anymore. I just want you Abba, there’s an ache in my heart that only you can fill. I want you. I’ll keep chasing after you. I want to evolve and grow; and not have things stay the same. I’m scared of the next steps, but I have to take them in order to move forward. What is forward God? I just know that I need to move forward, I don’t know to where. I just want you. I’m in love with you God. I’m so scared. Fear is not of you, so I rebuke it. But I need you God, I need you in every single area of my life. I need you. Can I hear from you? Talk to me God, tell me what you need me to know. I am trying to increase my faith in you, but I can’t do it, on my own understanding, I need you. Just take over God. Take over. Set me free, from myself so that I can be on fire for you. I want to do things in love. I want you God above all. Draw me close to you. What is the surrendering, that I’m not giving to you? I need to fight, but I need your spirit in order to fight. Thank you God for hearing my prayers, and for just wanting me, to have your peace above all. I thank you dear God for the honesty. I thank you for your love and grace. God you are so patient with me, when I’m not even patient with you or anyone. Make the necessary changes, in my heart and mind; and all of me dear God. I give you all of me.

Father God, why doesn’t it feel like I surrendered, or grown in the last two years? Why am I holding on to this ugly? Why am I such a creature of habit? Please fix me, and change me dear God. Please. I beg you to fix me. To change me. I’m tired of this feeling, that I have been feeling. I’m tired of just hearing, that I haven’t changed. I’m tired God. I’m so exhausted by all of this. I’m so drained, and honestly I don’t know what more, I haven’t given you. I give you my life Lord. Please have your way with me. Please. I go lower. This isn’t easy, but I still say yes to you. Father God please change me. Please consume me from the inside out. This hurts seeing what Regina Ann* sent to me. The fact, that I haven’t changed, just been masking myself for two years. Lord, just transform me. Just change me Lord. Make me new, a whole new person. Someone else that isn’t me. Make me a servant, and a vessel Lord. Make me no longer fall asleep Lord. I want to wake up now, and see you. I want to hear from you. I want to feel you. Lord are you silent with me, or I just can’t hear you? I just can’t feel you Lord. I just want you to heal me, and repair me. Father God, how am I suppose to feel? What is the next steps that I take? Why am I swimming, or drowning in my own vomit? Why did it have to go this far? Father God, I don’t know who else to talk to? So I’m going to type to you. I need you God. I need you to please guide me. Please heal me. Please change me. I’ll make moves God. I don’t know what moves to make, but I’ll make them. I believe that. Father God, take the wheel.

I’m holding on to hope 

I’m holding on to grace

I’m fully letting go

I’m surrendered to Your ways


2/15/16

It’s a new day father, what happens now? What comes next? This desire that I have to sleep is so whack. It’s like I want to sleep the day away. What is this father God? How did this come about? The restlessness is so hard sometimes to fight, father God, I need to lean on your strength instead. Please tell me how to.

Father God be with Regina Ann* and Noami’s* dynamic and sisterhood. Father God, reveal the truth about Ishmel* and Ezekiel* Discern the truth, to Noami, on if she’s supposed to be doing what she is. All that matters at this moment right now, father God is your truth, of the whole thing. Each one of us, is walking through a season, that makes no sense. It’s like John 15, where Jesus’ last words, were abiding in Him. This is an insane pruning process, that we are all going through, all I beg of you, is your truth Lord, so that we can, all discern the next steps forward; and do what is it, that you want us to do. Keep peeling back our vines, and preparing us, for the next faze, in our branches, so we only produce good fruits.

Be with Jackson* father God, continue to prune him, and mold him to be the God-fearing man, that you are calling him to be. That he is going to be. That he’s already showing signs, he’s accepting, and owning day by day. Work in him father God. God I pray for the day, that we have to speak to each other, make it clear God. For him and me. Make it so obvious dear God. I just want your hand, in this father God, in everything.

The anchor for my soul 

Father You will never change 

I love you, I love you

 

1/16/16

Father God thank you for another day. Thank you for your love, grace, and mercy on our lives. There is no one like you God. I am praying for just clarity, and truth dear God. Clarity and discernment on what you want me to pray for, for Jackson*. I’m getting his health. Is that true God? I just want to be sure, that I’m hearing from you. I pray that he is all right father God. I pray that he is seeking, good healthy eating habits; and that he is able to mediate on the word and seek you always. I pray he doesn’t get stressed out. That he prays, and discerns before he does anything. I pray that he takes everything to you. I pray for God-fearing individuals, to be around him. I pray that he seeks, Godly wisdom and council, and no matter what advice he is given he takes it to you. I pray that he starts his day with you, spends throughout his day seeking, and talking to you. I pray that God he remembers, what you are calling him to do. He keeps in the focus, of his mind, that he is a servant to your kingdom. Father God, please tell me, what to pray for Jackson.* I pray for discernment and truth. I pray for wisdom. I pray that he is challenged, and pushed to grow; and he seeks you always Lord. I pray that Jackson leans on the spirit, and not his own understanding. God you have him, and I have faith in you will keep having him.

 Increase my faith in you Lord. Please increase it to be at the highest degrees, limitless. I no longer want to live in doubt or fear. I no longer what to lean on my own understanding. Please put the words in my mouth to pray. Cast out these secular songs, that pop up in my head father God. Just put them to rest. 

Be with Dakota* dear God. You know what she is going through, right now, with her emotions; towards everything that’s coming up with her. Father God, I pray for a spirit of protection, and peace to guide over. I pray that she leans on you, and not her own understanding. I pray for wisdom for her when she is speaking, with some of the scholars at our job. I pray that, she senses and feels your presence dear God.

 Father God, I know that you are near me, and that you are working all things out. This is difficult God. Saying no to my mom for her food, can I move out God where it’s easier to not be around her? Father God, I just say yes to you. I’m making active moves. I started looking for jobs, and now I’m looking for teaching residency programs, that I can possible get into. I checked out God. I checked out because I was passionate, about things, but also when I heard that there’s a strong possibility, I can be taking advantage of, that forced me, to checkout as well. Seeing that Regina Ann* applied for the Saturday tutoring, triggered me not knowing what to do. I just want to make the right choices. 

She’s always telling me to pray and discern, what anyone tells me, including what she tells me. I didn’t pray on what she told me, I’ve been failing to do that, pray on things. It’s so hard God, but you’re stronger. I give these burdens, on to you and walk in faith, that you have me. I start today with walking in faith, I can no longer hide from things, you’re telling me to make decisions and choices. Father God, I choose you always Abba.

 I feel like I am having a meltdown father God. I’m just so over the fact, that I can’t figure things out. My critical thinking skills are out of whack. I feel like I am unable to process, or understand what someone is telling me; especially when they are giving me sound advice on what to do. This sucks God. So not what I wanted to happen at this moment. I totally am fed up with the fact, that I can’t discern, or understand what you are telling me to do or not do. For instance, with this Saturday opportunity that the fellowship is offering, I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t want to fall into the trap, of chasing money, like I did back when I was working direct sales four years ago. God I need you to show me the way. Maybe you are, and I’m not understanding. I need you to just guide me Lord on what to do. Hearing that I need to make moves, when I don’t know what moves to make is very annoying. I had a conversation with Talia* this past Friday, before the break, and her saying that if I got the residency, she doesn’t think that I would make it. Hearing that really hurt dear God. 

Regina Ann* explaining that means that she doesn’t think I’m motivated, or that I’m lazy also hurt. All of these emotions are so hard to bear right now God, because I don’t understand, why didn’t I work multiple jobs, to build my work experience? Why did I stay as long as I did in the direct sales business? Why didn’t I do this or that began coming to me, and I just feel like I’m stupid. Regina Ann* was smart to do what she did, with her life and the job history she has. Everyone knows what to do, and I feel like I don’t. I feel like I have no clue, on what to do. Is teaching even a passion, or did I make that up? What is my passion? My purpose? What is it that I like to do? I feel like I’m going to be 28 years old, and just wasted her life. All I knew to do growing up, was help out my parents.
I spent my entire time, helping them out, and staying indoors, watching soap operas or whatever that was on tv. I didn’t travel much, until I got to college; and worked in direct sales. I don’t know what to love but you God. There’s so much turmoil, and feelings of loneliness that I feel. It feels like no one understands, what it’s like to be my age and don’t know yourself. I brought myself here, how do I get myself out dear God? How? Is it through worship? Is it through praise? How do I overcome this? Why am I here? Alive even? When I am in the space that I am in. I am having trouble with so much. I need to see a specialist about this problem, and that problem, it’s so depressing. It’s like I am 27 year old, with a 72 year old health symptoms. I know I sound ungrateful right now, but it’s how I feel. Why did I allow all of this to get this far? Why didn’t I fight growing up? There are so much whys right now. Take these burdens dear God. Just exchange them with your peace.

God you are the best decision, I ever made and I will always choose you. I was overwhelm with emotions, and just the fact that I brought myself to this place and space. I lay them all at your feet, at your throne, and move from this space trusting and believing in you. I choose to increase my faith in you Abba. I choose to trust, the invisible and the supernatural. I chase after you, and after them. Father God it’s a mental switch that I am choosing to make. I choose to make that mental switch once and for all. I can’t look back, nor left or right. I can’t look to anyone but only to you.

I will remember Your promise forever

My Strength, my Defender

I can count on You

You are my Savior, My Hope and my Shelter

Your love is forever

I can count on You

 
2/17/16
Thank you father God for just another day. I decided to make some moves, and call up a sleeping institute for my restlessness. I have an appointment tomorrow, I pray for your covering father God. I pray that there can be solutions, and results that can lead to healing and overcoming this problem; that I’ve had for so many years. Father God I would no longer fall asleep, during sermons or in the middle of something. I can finally get a good night’s rest. God I pray for that. God I trust that you will take over, and work that out. This pruning is draining, and overwhelming; but you’re my anchor and you are keeping me through. You are my strength, and your voice is what I will always follow.

 Anchor sung by Leah Mari on the Bethel Music, You Make Me Brave album best describes how I am fighting to anchor myself to God. Pushing myself to spend more time in his presence then away from him. Chasing for moments of stillness with him than anything else.

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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