“Oh and I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we’re all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word”
God you are good, thank you for another day. Thank you for waking me up this morning.
Today is just one of those days, when I can’t seem to sit through tough critique. It’s hard to sit, and have someone tell you, this is where you fall short. Apparently, I’m not doing the shedding fully. I’m just doing things, half way is what has been told to me. I’m tired of making excuses. God I like the ugly. I like the fact, that I wasn’t growing because it meant I wasn’t having to change, and things would stay the same. I had a hard time with choosing to be validated by others, and not recognizing that I am already validated by you. I have a hard time with getting, that you have redeemed me, because nothing that you have done God, was tangible enough for me. It’s probably why for so long, I chased the things of this world, and got caught up in the web of satisfying, my flesh; because it was tangible, and something concrete in my mind.
Everything that is bad, and I haven’t fully given over, to you was concrete to me. It was something that I can use my five senses with, so I held on tight to it. It’s like truly connecting how connected I am with the others. The more I’m real with myself and you, the more that they are too. Let’s be real God, I was avoiding receiving and stepping up to this plate. I wanted to chase, and receive my own things. You let me live for two years, but now I can’t anymore. You are pushing me to rid of all of my vomit.
The fact that I have a hard time getting along, with others because of the not so nice lasting first impression, creates distance. I sincerely just want to move away, to another state and start over. Leave behind everything. Don’t care if I have friends, or not; since I’ve been having a hard time, keeping the ones I barely have here anyway. But that’s not solving the problem is it? I have to work on my reception, and engagement with others; so that I don’t leave those negative impressions that I do. It’s hard. It’s really difficult making these efforts, and just pushing myself to fight these bad habits; when they are what I have accustomed myself to for so long. I allowed it to get so far. I did. Now I have to clean, this mess up. If you can hear my God, I’m sorry.
“Oh, it’s love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
Into love, love, love”
God you have this, you have the fact that I’m looking back, like Lot’s wife. I wanted to numb myself, because I was so hurt. I felt embarrassed, because it meant that I’m not seen as a pillar of salt; rather a pillar of salt. God, how can you possibly love me? You’re a “Good, good Father,” like the song states. I don’t know what else to say. I am pushing, and shoving myself to fight. I believe that I am fighting. I believe that I am surrendering. I truly believe that. Or did I just convince myself of a reality that is not quite occurring?
Jesus you win. I keep failing, and I just am giving it to you. I don’t know what to say, or how to feel. I just want to fight. Fight to just be your daughter. I suck at this God. I just don’t know what to do anymore. How do I let go of Wynee? She’s all I’ve known.
God, Talia’s* comment was spot on, and it was what I needed to hear, in terms of making moves; and pushing myself toward taking action. I created this irregeuous delusion, in my head that she wasn’t for it, and it’s just like back in high school. It wasn’t. It was the fact that I couldn’t handle, that my ish stinks, like real bad. I couldn’t handle or face that truth. The same way I couldn’t handle, or face the truths about, what else I’ve been told about myself. My responses or reaction to hearing them others or from Regina Ann,* was my inability to handle the truth. It was a lack of maturity, and self control. I was wrong. I was the one who didn’t know how to receive the constructive criticism. I was the one who just really needed to hear the truth. And now that I’ve heard it God, I give it to you. I just say take it all. I’m tapped out. I don’t know what else I haven’t surrendered or given to you. But I’m praying the prayer to break me Lord, and make me meek so that you are only seen.
Lord, fix my tongue, and open my spiritual ears, to receive. I’ve been not listening to the wisdom, that I have given to others. If I have mislead anyone in the wrong way, I apologize God. I apologize. It seems that I don’t know, when to just be a listening ear, and just be a friend. I don’t have to always respond, and have the answers. I guess I just wanted to be the one with all the answers, basically a god-like mentality. I wanted to take your place in people’s lives God, and have them seek me instead, the way that I allowed certain people, or things to replace you in my life. I allowed things, or people to come into our relationship. That’s idolatry, because they were above You.
Father God, how did I become a core? You have made my decisions, and inability to be vulnerable and raw with you, affect the lives of others. My selfish, defensive, immature ways, affected the lives of those who are all connected to me. You have caused so much, by your large step back. I take full responsibility and ownership of my wrongdoings. I was at fault for some of the redirections, that occurred, but God as I choose to be more vulnerable with you, I pray that you correct what needs correction.
“Oh, I’ve heard a thousand stories
Of what they think You’re like
But I’ve heard the tender whisper
Of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You’re pleased
And that I’m never alone”
God I made our relationship extremely on a case by case basis. I mind screwed myself so much that I locked myself up in a mask, with a key that can no longer be found. I’m truly scared of you God. I’m afraid to let you in, because there’s the worldly pull that u believe, only I can control. There’s a vindictiveness, in me that only I think I can control. There’s a cheater in me, that only I think I can control. There’s a flesh in me that I don’t want to surrender, to you that is messing up every area of my life. Instead of giving it up to you, I’m holding on to it, because there’s a reliability that I have towards myself.
I had this since, I was a young girl, I made the mental switch, to not trust anything but myself; the day my dad left my sister and I, when I was six and she was two years old, all alone in the house. I blamed you for that day. I prayed that you would make what I thought was a bad dream that would go away, and then it turned out that it was my reality. I spent that day just lost, and forever changed my trajectory of you. Fast forward to now, and I just forever cling to hurt, because it’s what I truly know. I choose to not get vulnerable with you, because then I won’t get hurt, and I won’t have to get upset at you. I won’t hold you, to a standard that you won’t meet. I humanize God. I made you so tangible. I became able to connect with you only, when I think you can meet my expectations. That’s how messed up, I am in the head. But yet you still want to make me your core.
I am begging you to take me away God, and to just take me up like Enoch in Genesis.
I idolize my parents, for so long that I have their broken mentality. I literally become combative like my mother, as well as make assumptions that began to feed my growing paranoid thoughts. I became like my father, where I would be focus on chasing money and just be cheap, and a liar; and just talk down to people. I became like them because I choose to place them above you. Even in the years when you’re trying, to separate me from them, I choose them.
You probably have been telling me it’s time to move away, and I haven’t because I put them on a pedestal. I did this. I became fixated with their brokenness, and made it something that I too should have. I wanted to be like my earthly parents instead of like your son Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for all of us. I wanted the world and nothing else. I wanted status and nothing else. I want what I want, and why can’t I have it God?
Is this what you wanted me to reveal God? Is this what you wanted out? All of this is disturbing.
But you know that I still choose you and I still worship you Abba. But when will I make the mental switch, and fully surrender all of this to you?
The Casting Crowns version of Good, Good Father, simply describes just how good God is.
“You’re a good good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am”
(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)