“It’s like I’m seeing for the first time
Like you opened my eyes to show me

Everything I’ve missed before

And I want more”


2/28/16
God, thank you for breath, and life. You woke me up this morning. Thank you. I will continue to bless you, with my mouth in praise. Lord, you’re all I need. 

Lord, give me strength to deal with Naomi.* I do not appreciate, the way that she has been acting towards me. I don’t like that she comes very off fake, and I’ve noticed that it seems, she does that around me especially. Father God, tell me what to do, and what to say. Father God, just work in me, in how to communicate, and understand her. Lord, give me strength. I need to understand, your grace, and compassion. I don’t know what to do with her, God and just give me the words, and the tone to talk to her. Father God, take over. 

This is hard God to trust. It’s truly something, that I didn’t think I had to do. Why is it that I feel hurt by people. I think it’s because I still put the validation in them, unfortunately. Why can’t I just love you, and not them? I think it would be easier that way. I failed at this. I failed at making connections, with people, and I have a hard trusting, even trusting you God. I no longer want this type of disconnection in our relationship, because it’s disruptive, and disturbing. God I give it to you. I am choosing to trust you more, and more. Trusting you first, and foremost will lead and show me how to trust others. I can’t walk into the next season, of my life, and not be totally anchored to you. I just can’t. 

Father God, I spoke to Naomi, and it was a real honest and revealing conversation. I realize that my walls, and lack of trust in her, and our friendship affected the strain, that we are now in. I am thankful that we spoke, and I am excited for how we move towards, being present in each other’s life. 

Father God, be with the household of Regina Ann,* Lord they need you. Regina Ann needs you Lord, now more than ever, so give her even more strength, when there’s so much madness, and chaos in front of her. Lord only you can turn, all of this around, by your mighty spirit. Holy Spirit I call on you to move, into that household, and turn things around. Break the shackles, that Satan is trying, to have a stronghold on the family. Break the addictions, and lies that are being fed in her family. Be with her father God. Keep comforting her, and shelter her from this extreme amounts, of brokenness; that seems to take place in this very temporary season. For your word says, no weapon formed against us, shall ever prosper; and this too shall pass. Lord I thank you for my sister’s life, and testimony on how she remains faithful to you; and knows that you are good because you are God. Amen. 

2/29/16
God I choose you. I surrender everything, the not having thicker skin, because you are tough. I surrender to the spirit. Lord come into my heart, and take a hold of me, because I truly want to be yours. I no longer desire to live, in flesh and worldly desires. I choose you a thousand times Lord. I choose to hear, the truth even when it’s a tough pill to swallow. What ever it is that I haven’t given over to you, Lord I release it over to you, and surrender it all to you. I don’t want my words to be empty or mean nothing. I want my words, to be of truth. Lord, I pray for my heart right now, that I have the strength, to cast out the wickedness and deceit. Lord I pray, that I no longer, have to lie, but I am always, in spirit and truth. For whatever it is, that you want from me, you can have it, and it’s yours. I give you all of me. I give myself away Lord. I thank you, Lord for your constant love and protection. You didn’t have, to but you choose to. Lord, make me snapped out, of this please. I want out of it now. Lord I say yes, to you. Leaving it all behind. If you want me to chop off my hair? I will. If you want me to go on a missions trip? I will. Whatever you want. I will say yes. 

God, reading this book, is opening up my eyes to see, that I can no longer, live a life of lies, or not accepting responsibility of accountability. I choose to see, that I have to step into these traits, in order to be a lighter for your kingdom. Lord take the lies from out of my mouth. I surrender all of these horrible traits to you. I surrender bragging about these horrible habits. I surrender what is of evil and darkness. I give it all to you. Lord, I choose the light. I’m letting go, of all of these traits, and choosing the light, and the map, that leads me to you, and your calling in my life. 

Father God, from reading this book, I can see that you are calling me to a life of balance, love, growth, and grace. Father, I thank you for leading me to this book. I thank you for having me see, that you do not want me, to stay in the unhealthiness of where I am; but you’re pushing me to something far better. I say yes, to giving up my old life, for a new one with you. I say yes, to the yolk of bondages being exchanged, for the lighter yolk from you. Father, I love you so much, and I thank you for you never stopping, to chase me. Thank you, for blocking me, from all the misdeeds, of my life. Like the time, I thought I should be experimenting, which you blocked. You blocked all these moments, from turning into something, far worse in my life. Like the time you blocked, and protected me from being sexually assaulted, by my neighbor’s sons. I was searching, and curious about myself. You intervened every single thing before anything can occur. I’m being honest with you God, because honesty, is what leads to growth. I was chasing after the idea of Jackson*, and it did bother me, that he saw me for who I was truly. I tried to mask it up, with makeup and friendly smiles, but he saw past it. He saw me, for who I truly was: a broken girl wanting him to be my Prince Charming, to fix, and save me. But I have to accept the truth for what it really is. I decided to put him on a pedestal. Only you God belong on a pedestal, and you don’t even want to be there. I am fighting God, realizing that my worth is found only in Him, and no one else. Not in man. I’m slowly starting to realize this. Falling in love with God, and falling in love with being intimate with Him. I’ve decided to stop living my lies, and thinking that they will satisfy me, because they will never fulfill me. God loves me, so much that he didn’t allow me, to enter a toxic relationship with a man, to leave me empty, heartbroken or with a child. I was pursuing a lifestyle, that continue to just grew me to be bitter, and even more towards the dark. 

I am reading this book now by Dr. Scott Peck called “The road less traveled,” and the section that I am in is called discipline. Learning to have delayed gratification, assumption of responsibility, dedication to the truth or reality, and balancing; all are a part of techniques, that is a system of discipline. “Discipline is defined in the book as a system of techniques, of dealing constructively, with the pain of problem-solving-instead of that pain-in such a way that all of life’s problem can be solved.” Discipline is required in our Christian walk, so that we can be disciplined, through the trails and changes that come in our life. It’s the first that we walk through, so that we can be pruned and come out shining, and reflecting like Christ. 

It’s not easy for me learning discipline. It comes with constant repetition. It comes with being the woman, that helped Regina Ann from committing suicide, and dealing with toxic guy that she was in a relationship with, at the time. I placed that daughter, God birthed me to be, in the backseat so that I couldn’t deal with the rapid changes, and growth that God was exposing me to. 

This started for me one day, in the middle of the night, I was heading the bathroom. My parents room was near the bathroom. I push the door, but it didn’t close all the way. I could still hear that my dad was on the phone. Next thing I know I heard, he spoke another language, and I’ve never heard it before. My mom is so concern in me staying, in house and not leaving her, and it’s like she doesn’t even want me to grow into the next season, that involves my desires of marriage, and going off on my own. It’s so whack the brokenness, that exists in the house that I currently live in. I instead held myself back, so that I didn’t see, all that was been shown. The bubbles were popping left and right. I stopped being the sister, and daughter to the Highest King, that Regina Ann seen me be, two years ago, when you used me to unravel her; or God knows that I’m capable of being. It became too hard, or so that. I didn’t want to let go of anything. I wanted to cling to what I knew, which was all brokenness. I couldn’t handle the truth, not only about myself, but about the people who I once thought, loved me. I can’t turn a blind eye no more. I have to face the facts, and face reality that’s the only way, that I’m truly going to grow out, of this toxic mess.

The fact that God is still wanting me, to live and wake up every morning is a blessing; because I’ve been lying to myself, for some months now. Thinking that no one would notice I was buffeting Christianity, and half-ish way through this walk. I can no longer do this. I have to discipline myself, to walk through the fire, and be the proverbs 31 woman, God is pruning me to be. 

Seeing for the first time by Britt Nicole is a song that describes exactly what God is taking me to. Opening up my eyes and has me understanding that I have to want to choose him. God plans everything out accordingly. He knows where every ripple leads to; therefore, every step, every move that we make will always leads us back to him. He will open our eyes to see things for as they are and be in spirit and in truth. 

“How many years did you plan this moment here

To show me how you love me

How many years did you plan this moment here

To show me how you love me 

It’s like I’m seeing for the first time

Like you opened my eyes to show me

Everything I’ve missed before

It’s like I’m seeing for the first time

Like you opened my eyes to show me

Everything I’ve missed before

And I want more of youI want more, I want more

More more more more”


(*denotes name change for privacy)

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