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Have It All — March 18, 2016

Have It All

You can have it all, Lord

Every part of my world

Take this life and breathe on

This heart that is now Yours

3/17/16

I surrender. I don’t want this world. I don’t want this life. I just want you God. I just want peace. I messed up. I should’ve been up front about my liking to Eric.* I should’ve been honest. I am capable of doing this in a marriage, or business. I feel like, I am on a tip of unhinged recklessness and harm. People know, so now they can decide what to do, and how to act towards me. I did this. I brought things on this far. I caused the dysfunctional, and lack of trust in all my friendships. They all end quickly, because of the ways that I have. They will no longer want to associate with me, and they will instead friend me from afar. I did this Abba. I created this dysfunction. 

I battle just wanting to stop serving you, and say I renege on my decision to worship, but then you show me that you love me, and that you are with me. I don’t trust that you are, because I don’t feel that I deserve it. I don’t want the blessings, because I don’t believe that it will happen. The truth is, I don’t trust you because I don’t believe, that you will come bless me like you promised. 

I just can’t stand this season of what is revealed about me. How I choose to follow others, and the world so badly and not you. I would’ve been caught up in some dangerous stuff, and if you didn’t save me, who knows where I would be. Now here I am, asking that you let me do what I want, satisfy and feed the flesh. I can’t deny anymore that I haven’t been fighting. I have been more like pacing myself, and just been wanting to have things happen my way still. I’ve been living in my flesh. All I feel right now is guilt and empty, something has left me, I hope it was all of my fleshly ways. Maybe that is why I have a hard time loving myself, or even you, because I don’t even know how to be a friend to myself. I don’t know how to love myself. I believe that I don’t deserve to, because of the fact that I’m this way, broken, jealous, all emotions that biblically, aren’t if you. I feel like I’m wasted space. I don’t get what I have to do next. Can you lead me? Is that asking for a lot? I’ve just been saying sorry to Regina Ann* all morning. 

I became fixated on the world, and not on being your daughter. I lost sight of you, and as I became more focus on being next to you, you showed me who I am really am. I surrender it all to you. 

God I’m so weak. I did this. I caused this. I need you and your strength.

3/18/16

Father God, here I am saying yes to the new changes and shattering of the old. Father, you can change me. I choose wanting you to change me. I want to grow out of this season. I choose to fight father. I choose to chase after you. I choose to surrender my life, and renew my mind. Everyday is a chance to grow closer to you. I just say yes. I love you Abba. I choose to see that I’m beautiful, and that I am your daughter. I choose to see that you created me and made no mistakes. 

There’s an awkwardness in me. A feeling of how do I proceed, where do I even go from here? I’m so insecure God. I’m so insecure, and broken. I’m so sad and unhappy. I just feel like every time I try to do something, I end up failing or having negative seeds, that I allow to get planted in my head. Now there’s the seed that I like Eric* that was my fault, because I now see how I allowed certain seeds to get planted. I planted them there with my own shovel. I can’t stand that I allowed things to get this far, father God, what do I do? What are my next moves? I’ve been forgetting to apply to other jobs, and just look for other opportunities of work. I’ve been just so exhausted lately, not pushing myself to read your word in the morning, falling asleep during work. Only you have been protecting me from getting reported. I don’t like this season. I don’t like it at all. I feel like everything about me is out, and that I am in shock with all of the ugly that I expose to others. 

Regina Ann was interested in Eric*, and I liked him too. At least that’s what motivated me, in becoming interested in him, because she liked him. Regina Ann, gets stared at, and guys flock to her. I don’t get that, so I try to do what she does, to have the same thing. I think in such a warped way, that if she has it then I need it, because then I will be just like her, and receive what she receives. I truly don’t believe that my blessings are that great. I see that Regina Ann gets to make an impact on people, but I am so awkward, that I don’t know how to do that. I chase what she or others have, because I think that their blessing, is better than mine. It feels like we all have sandboxes, as your children God, and the sandbox in their corner, seem much nicer than the one I am in. Eric is just another chase of why isn’t a guy interested in me, but interested in those around me. Why isn’t he wanting to get to know me, too. I have spent the last half of my life, seeking validation in men to finally realizing, that I’m never going to get it. 

I seek to be validated in man literally. I seek to have to men desire to be with me for all the wrong reasons, and just have them say that I’m beautiful, or that I’m what they desire. You know that I find myself undesirable God. I find that I’m not good enough, and that I have a fear that my future husband will say to me that, I was a mistake or that I’m ugly. I have a fear that I will never be loved. I have a lot of fears, and a lot of pain. I surrender to you Abba, I can’t continue on this way anymore. I’m just hurting God, hurting because I feel the hurt, of not loving myself enough. The hurt of growing up and not letting go of the past. The hurt of receiving forgiveness, without any bribe attached to it. 

I just want you God. I seek you because you are the way, the truth and the life. Lord I seek you. I tried to denounce you the other day, but then find myself calling out to you? and needing prayers. The fact that people see my true colors, means that I’m in need of your saving badly. It often feels like the more that I run to you, the worse things get. It’s not right. There’s so much brokenness in me, I pray for it all to come out. I pray that I’m vertical, and not wanting the lies of the world anymore. The reason why I want it, because I can’t have it, because I never got to try it. I never got to just do anything is how I feel. I didn’t see it as your protection and guidance. I didn’t see it as your army surrounding me, even when I was unsaved. Jesus, my mind is so thwarted. It’s so broken, it’s scary. It’s sad and reckless. 

I’m constantly begging you to beam me up already, because I don’t want to live on this earth no more. It’s like I finally understand the passage of Romans 12:2. It’s like I’m finally starting to have my eyes more open, and ears as well, and see, that I was becoming a conformist to this fallen world. I was battling against my spirit and flesh. Now I understand that I have to fight daily to surrender to my spirit. I have to remain in prayer. Which somedays are a lot tougher to do than others. Thank you for not giving up on me, and blessing me with those that don’t either, no matter how challenging I make things. Thank you for showing me, more and more, what for me, is for me.

Have it all by Bethel Music is on their newest album. God you can truly have it all. I choose you. 

There is no greater love

No higher name above

I lay it all down

I lay it all down


You can have it all, Lord

Every part of my world

Take this life and breathe on

This heart that is now Yours




(*denotes name change)

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