Wyn's Playlist

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Since Your Love — April 26, 2016

Since Your Love

4/24/16

Father God, I can’t seem to read the Word right now. I can’t seem to grasp, or understand anything. I’m just looking at words staring back at me. Please heal my mind God. Please heal me. There’s a lot of pressure, that I put on myself; because I don’t want to fail, or not be able to understand. I feel so distant, and lost from you right now. I just need you. I need your touch, and understanding. I didn’t pray about going to that meeting on Sunday. I am sorry about that. And there was a wrestle, with me to not fall asleep in the church. I’m sorry about those moments that I did God. I’m just trying. I’m calling on to you, saying God please stop it, please heal me. I need you to heal me, because I need your healing to feel like I’m “normal” again. To not feel so alone, in this. Father God, how I need you. I just need you, when it feels like doing everything is so hard for me sometimes. It’s hard, to understand what people are saying or explaining. It’s hard, to grasp what’s suppose to be the next thing, that I have to do. I have difficulty with focusing, and concentration. Father God, please heal my mind, and my body. I am so hard on myself, because I feel that it will stop people, from treating me how they do; and I would no longer seek validation from them. I’m mean to myself, and somehow I convinced myself, this is the way to push myself to better, smarter and ask questions; and to know what to do. It’s hard God, it’s really hard being, in this space that I am in. I feel like I’m failing you. I am in need of you God. What is it that I’m not doing? You are the One, that I constantly run to, because I need you. 


Since your love got a hold of me

Since your love got a hold of me

I’m a new creation

I’m forever changed

4/24/16

Father God, I’m afraid to be the messenger of Christ, that you are calling me to be. It’s terrifying and feels so lonely. Spreading the gospel when I see those around me living their lives. I want to do the same, but then I realize that my life is not my own. I belong to you. You say that you make me brave, and that I am fearlessly made, but right now I need to feel your presence. I need to feel you guiding me in the next season, of this journey that you have me on. 

4/26/16

I’m done with this walk God. I’m done looking like a fool when everyone else looks happy, and can do whatever they want. Why can’t I just be secure in who you’re calling me to be? It’s so hard to trust that you have blessings for me, when all I see is trials after trials. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of feeling like I’m in a season of constant brokenness and there will be no victory. When will this season end? This is more than the last twenty minutes. This feels like forever. I’m just over it God. I try to spend more time in your presence and it feels like there’s always constant distractions left and right. God will I ever get it right? When will I just get it together? 

In you, is all I need

You’re my breath, you’re my life, you’re my everything

This has been a hard couple of hours. Just the entire day was hard and seemed like it was a fight to get through it. I didn’t want to go to prayer service tonight. I thought that there was no need for me to go to church anymore, since I’m still having a hard time sometimes understanding your voice God. But you know all of this. You know my struggles. You know that I’m dealing with constant battles. I just feel like I’m losing, and making idiotic decisions every day. Will I ever understand what you are trying to tell me? I surrender the being mean to myself. It doesn’t do anything. I surrender my actions to always look to the right and to the left, instead of looking more closely at you. I surrender my hurt and my pride. I surrender it all. I give it all to you. It’s not about me anymore, it’s about you. I’ve been battling with you about that. You won. I’m glad you won. You’re a better God than I am.

You are the light  

Song of my life

You always lead me

You are the voice inside

United Pursuit‘s Since Your Love, describes the chase that occurs when God is at the center. The chase that occurs when God is pruning and shedding that occurs before whatever the next big season God is about to you to. The next season is here, God I say yes.

Since your love got a hold of me 

Since your love got a hold of me

I’m a new creation

I’m forever changed

I was made by you

I was made for you

I am unfulfilled without full communion

Happy listening! Happy reading! 

Blessings!! Xoxo 

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New Every Morning — April 4, 2016

New Every Morning

3/29/16

Father God, I choose to focus on others, and not myself. I choose to be more like Christ, and not myself. I choose to love and not be bitter; or hate or get jealous. I pray for discernment, and awareness God; in all of the days of my life. I pray for your truth, in all situations, of my life.

I thank you for the uncomfortable moments, because that means growth; but in any area that I am lacking in father God, please cover those areas. Please wreck any habits that are not of you. 

Father God, there’s a lingering in me for something more. Father God, what is this feeling that I feel? What is going on Abba? Why do I feel incomplete or unsettled? What are these emotions rooting from? Are they from you, if they are not, then cast them out. Father God, Oh how I need you! 

Please stop me from looking like I’m waiting, and like I have someone interested in me. When I heard that, it completely upset me, I want to do me too. Do I really look defeated? Or am I just still a paralyzed paradox God? Please, you can change that. Can you show me how to end this validation, once and for all? Why do I see myself in pieces, when you love me withholding nothing? What do I have to do, to not look this way? It’s very bothersome Abba that I can look so unpolarized, and just have bad angles. But what am I truly basing this on? Isn’t this just broken hindsight? You know Abba, I’m afraid to get photographed. 

I’m not that 6 year old who used to be photographic, and can be easily captured by the camera. Is that even truth, or did I just forget to be fearless? It’s hard God, it’s hard dealing with these feelings. God I don’t like how I look. I don’t. I don’t like how I’m not able to always keep up, I created a race, that I cannot end. I need to change that. I can’t practice what others do. That needs to stop. God, I’m sorry for the horizontal glances. I am sorry for the inability to be raw with you. I am sorry for the challenge to accept you didn’t get it wrong with me.

Father God, I’m not settling for less than your best, and your greatness God. I’m don’t want to live on what I have now, it’s not enough Abba. It’s simply not enough. I want more, I need more. You know what my heart desires. 

3/31/16 

“Then why don’t you fight the self-hate?” That dose of reality was asked, and I didn’t want to, truthfully. I didn’t want to love myself. I didn’t want to grow, and be better. I just was comfortable where I didn’t have to grow, being mean to myself, forced people in my mind to love me, I didn’t want to work hard, on bettering me. I didn’t want to fight, because I believe there would be nothing to gain from it; the same way you gain money, or other possessions. But the thing is, I forgot that the body is a temple. I forgot that I was destroying God’s property. Your property, Lord. I was trying to destroying something, that God had already deemed good. In my mind, God couldn’t tell me what to do, because I did not want to trust him; therefore, I don’t even trust myself. You can have the self-hate, the low self-esteem, and lack of trust in you. 

Father God, what are these feelings that I have now? Father God, I need you, how do I get out of your way? How do I wait? How do I remain patient? It seems that these are things, that I’m like incapable of doing. Yeah I had an honest conversation with Ms. A, but I hate that I didn’t listen earlier when I should have. I hate that she doesn’t think I’m cut out to make it, or that because I don’t know why I want to teach. Why do I want teach? How can I say it’s because I want to not be ever chasing money, or that I don’t want to walk outside, of what you’ve told me to do God, you being enough of an answer does not cut it sadly. 

I feel sometimes when I get ask questions I don’t know how to answer them. Like it’s hard for me to think of what to say. I think that I have a very hard time with feedback. I hate that I wasn’t doing the right things, in the first lesson demo. Father God, I pray and just want to work hard for the second demo. Lord, I do want to work at this school; but that is ultimately up to you. Father God, I just want things to work out. I just am scared of failing, or not succeeding. I am terrified of being broke. 

4/4/16

I lack in various area Abba. I just don’t want to go lower, and I have to push myself to go lower. It’s something that I literally wrestle with. I just want to focus on you and me, and want to figure out ways to grow in you. I don’t think about others, because I fail at communicating with them, so in my head it’s like why do I even try since it’s a weak area of mine?

God I choose to fight and surrender these emotions to you. It’s like a part of me wants to stay where I am, but that’s the flesh. I choose to remain and abide in the spirit. The spirit is where you are. I want to be where you are God. I don’t want the lies of the enemy. I don’t want to dangerously dance with darkness, as your lighter. I choose not to settle for my flesh. I choose the ways of holiness and truth. I don’t know what else to say, but that I choose to fight. 

I pray that you continue to open my eyes and ears, please do so father. I need to see the true ugly in me, so that I can surrender it all to you. I don’t want this anymore. I want to live for heaven not for earth. I’m sorry God that I keep having to fight the same thing over and over. I no longer want to be in this loop. This loop isn’t of you, it’s of the enemy’s tactics. Jesus I rebuke the lies that my mind chooses to feed, and I choose to rely on you. 

I choose to believe that I deserve a clean slate God, and that it only comes from you. God please show me, how to fix my mind on you. How to just be focus so on you, that I’m not able to be so easily distracted by my flesh. 

God, why is it that I feel ugly? Why don’t I feel attractive? I hate that my hair is the way that it is. I need to get it done God, and that seems to be getting blocked by you. I don’t want this yucky hair look that I have. I don’t want this face anymore. Can I have a new face God? One that doesn’t look filled with sorrow? One that can feel your warmth. One that can receive, and feel your love on my cheek. One where I can be accepted by others who are around. One where I can make smart decisions. Can I get a new face God? Can I buy a new one? What do I have to do? I feel yucky in my skin. I don’t love the skin I am in. I don’t like that I have mosquito bite marks on my legs. I don’t like that I have big thighs. Father God, you can change me? I can’t stand how my face looks. You made a mistake with my face God, don’t you see that? Don’t you see that I am stuck wearing glasses, because I can’t even afford contacts. I should just walk around without them, that seems to be the drastic measures, that everyone is taking. They are not willing to get themselves glasses, because they probably think it’s ugly. I was told I look tired. I look too dark in photos, because the lighting works against me. I don’t know how to smile. I don’t like my angles. God I’m so sad, and dishearten by all of this. Where are you? 

God make a way, in this pain, if that’s your will. 

God, it’s hard to fight to love myself. It’s easier to not love myself, because I see more mistakes than beauty. I’m just so in need of love, and don’t believe that your love is enough. I feel like I need more. 

This is hard. I still choose you. I still want you despite everything. I still choose to listen to worship music, read the word, praise your name, pray to you. I just don’t know what else to do? How can this cycle end? Who ends this me or you God? I don’t want to go before you anymore, or think I have all the answers. I’m doing this through my own understanding. I’m just wanting to do this through spirit now. God I’m just saying I don’t know what else to say or do, but you are good. You still love me, when they are moments that I doubt you. You are still my Heavenly Father, even though I claimed you made a mistake. Father God, remove this uncomfortable that I feel, like I hate the skin that I am. I hate how I feel. I hate that I feel like my skin isn’t clean enough, because of how dirty my hair feels. I’ve always hated the feeling that I get. 

The reason why I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin, because I hate how my hair looks and feels. God why am I in this broke season? Do you know why I’m so worried about my money, because then I can be able to make myself look nice. I can look like I take care of myself, and be able to avoid these hateful feelings, that I feel towards myself. Don’t you get it God? Do you get that I need to look nice, so that I can’t be mean to myself. So that no one can think, that I’m lacking in any areas. I’m able to show off. I am able to look good, and appear that I love myself. Appear that I am confident. It’s not like people want to share with me, it feels like they rather break me. I’ve allowed them to break me. I’ve given them the authority to do so. So if I look nice, or fit their mold, then I won’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Broken people really break. God please give me discernment, and eyes to see your people, how you need me to see them. God teach me how to just rise above. God please teach me how to better walk in obedience. In your will. Teach me how to see that Wynee deserves new mercies every morning, because her savior gave it to her.

New Every Morning by Audrey Assad has this line in her song “in the beginning,  we were made in your image”. It’s like I forgot, that we were made in His perfect image. The serpent came, and distracted Adam and Eve. It made them forget who they were, and what a beautiful intimate image they had with Him. That’s why God created Jesus, to purposely die for the bondages of sin, that births self hate, doubt and all other emotions that are not of God. That’s what I allowed to happen to me. God blessed me with radical faith growing up, and I believed in Him no matter what. But because I was standing “alone,” I allowed the brokenness in others to break me, so that I would have company. But I hurt you the most Abba, by hurting myself. God my mercy is new, and I now stand alone proudly with you.

Your mercies are new

Your mercies are new

New every morning

Your mercies are new

Your mercies are new

New every morning

Your mercies are new

Your mercies are new

New every morning

Your mercies are new

Your mercies are new

New every morning

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