Wyn's Playlist

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Ever Be — May 27, 2016

Ever Be

Your love is devoted, Like a ring of solid gold

Like a vow that is tested 

Like a covenant of old

Your love is enduring 

Through the winter rain

And beyond the horizon 

With mercy for today 

5/24/16

I cannot be still for nothing God. Please heal these feelings, that are coming to me. What is it that I’m not asking? I pray for your revealing of truth over my life Lord. 

Father God, I pray that once the season of dating happens for me, Lord that I have boundaries and guidelines. God I truly want your truth, and wisdom in what guidelines and boundaries I need to set. God I need your help in this area. 

Father God, my headphones were just misplaced. What is it that you want me to learn here? You want me to grow up don’t you God? You know how much I love to listen to music God. You know how much I do. I’m so annoyed right now and bothered. Make a way, God. Father God, I rest in you. 

This season is not easy. I’m just mentally drained, and want you to tell me what to do next. I thank you for the praise reports, that I have with the new opportunities. I also need you to make a way with my home situation. The fact that my mom is falling into depression, because of the advancing cancer. My dad isn’t doing his part in stepping up with helping out, and being there for my mom. In fact he’s doing the exact opposite. He is in more denial about my mom having cancer; he’s just wanting my mom to pay the bills. My father’s head is chopped off as the head of the household. Father God, for so long I saw that my parent’s marriage was not the marriage I wanted for myself. For the longest I also saw that I couldn’t see myself doing anything past 30 years old. When I pictured 30 I always saw darkness. It was just black and bleak. I also thought for a while that settling was the option that I need to go with. 

Father God, how I need you in this house. Then there’s my relationship with my sister. It isn’t really the most loving dynamic. There’s so much of your healing, and restoration that is needed at my house. Your telling me that it’s time to move, but to move on to where? Where is it that I’m supposed to go? Father God how I need you. How I just need you to change the entire situation of my home. I’ve kept quiet for so long Abba. No one knows the years of carrying this baggage and burden that I am finally giving to you. No one knows that at such a young age, I’ve learned to play off the brokenness that exists in my household, and the dysfunction that I’ve experience in a daily basis. God how I need you to change my ways and my thinking. Change in me all things that are not aligned with you, especially the broken teachings that I have been brought up with. I give them all to you. 

I choose to look up God, not focus on the horizontal. No more looking to my left or right, behind me or in front of me. Only looking up. 

Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be 

You pledge yourself to me, and it’s why I sing 

5/26/16

God, my anxieties are so bad that I want to throw up, or is this because of the donut I ate from dunkin donuts? I definitely can’t eat these donuts again, you’ve told this before. I reject it, now I understand why you warned me. You make us see the signs we ignore one way or another.

It’s hard to describe these emotions of sadness that is trying to overcome me. Father God, that created an uneasiness in me that I am giving to you. I haven’t been able to maintain my composure about what you revealed, but God I am choosing to remain vertical and steadfast in you. You are just telling me to be still. I need you to walk me through what’s next, whatever that may be. I don’t even know how to fully describe these emotions that I feel. I just know that they are there. Take over God, I will solemnly put my trust in you. 

You father the orphan

Your kindness makes us whole

You shoulder our weakness 

And Your strength becomes our own 

You’re making me like you 

Clothing me in white 

Bringing beauty from ashes 

For you will have your bride 

5/27/16

Father God, I just don’t want to be bothered by anyone right now. It seems that I’m so over the day when it hasn’t even started. What is the truth behind these emotions? Father God I pray for wisdom and clarity. I pray to be open for what it is you have to tell me Abba. Father God, I pray for your showering me of the truth and for your peace. I pray that whatever it is that you are trying to tell me God, I pray and give it to you. Father God, continue to work in my heart, mind, and soul. Work in me God. Walk with me God with these emotions. 

These growing feelings are doing a lot in me God. I am so uncomfortable, and just an emotional wreck. I hate that I do not have the products for my body or hair. I rather take a windy day with a serious breeze over heat. I am not the easiest person, to talk to and that bothers me. Yeah, I’ve grown a lot, but I don’t see that it’s enough for others to mentor me like they do with Regina Ann.* I feel inadequate at times. I feel so slow and easily triggered by things. I know that feelings can be deceitful, but at the moment it’s not registering as such. 

God I just need you. The comparison that I have, which kills my joy is something that I am surrendering to you. I want to have your scriptures ingrained in my heart, and it bothers me, that I don’t know enough scriptures by heart. I just want to grow more in your word God. I’m not doing enough it feels, because if I was I would not still be battling with comparison and pride. I’m prideful that I’m always hungry, and can be so greedy. I feel so needy. This is such a hard season. I don’t like it God, and it feels dragged out. I call on you Lord to just tell me what to do. I call on you to grow more in your word, and have an intimate relationship with you. It’s been crazy this week the buildup of how I am now feeling. I sometimes feel that there’s something wrong with me, that I do not try to bargain with you. I just say yes to whatever it is you tell me to do. My absurd obedience Lord, seems like I’m just doing it wrong because I’m so obedient. It makes me think that no one wants to see me succeed, or root for me because of the horrible qualities I have displayed in the past. It makes me think that there will be some resistance, when people see what’s the next glory you take me to. They will create such manifestation of lies, and deceit that I am getting such anxious about it. These are my emotions that just spiral and it’s hard not leaning on them, when your word says to lean on you not how we feel. 

God, I know that I can be that ratchet girl from Brooklyn at times. I’m asking that you change who I am, if it’s your will, because I truly feel when this next season comes. So I’m asking you to change me to be the way the alternative choices appear, to be since that is the way that many what is accepted. That’s how it feels. It feels like I do not fit a mold. It feels like I will never be accepted. 

God, this season is doing a lot to me, but I choose to be obedient. I choose to abide in you. You are greater.

Ever Be sung by Kalley Heiligenthal off of the Bethel Music, We will not be shaken album has been one of the songs off the album that has been on repeat for me. Ever Be is where I choose to be with God, singing his praises and being in constant worship with him. As I grow in you God…..

Your praise will ever be on my lips, 

Ever be on my lips 

Your praise will ever be on my lips,

Ever be on my lips 

Happy reading! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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White Flag  — May 23, 2016

White Flag 

5/18/16

Father God, the veil was torn last night. You revealed to me truths that have been buried deep, and now surfaced to the light that are now out. I seek you for answers and truth, and just acknowledging you are the only one that holds all the answers. 

Father God, talking to my cousin just now on the phone really hit home that my mom has breast cancer. This is something that I’ve been feeling numb, and shock towards. But no longer can I feel numb or be in suppression with my feelings. I have to give you these emotions, and walk through this season, trusting in you and your will. Lord whatever you will may be, I will still proclaim that you are Lord. I will still proclaim that you are God. I will still praise your name. Lord, I come to you, asking for your hand in this season to guide me. It’s difficult Lord knowing this, but still Lord, I trust that you will work this out. This is a testimony that you know my mom can walk through and can bear. 

It’s not easy this season God, it’s not easy to trust you when things are the opposite of what you say they are or will be. 

The battle rages on 

As storms and tempests soar

We cannot win this fight

Inside our rebel hearts

We’re laying down our weapons 

5/19/16

Father God, how I can’t sit still. What is going on with me God? What is it that is causing this? God, please walk with me through these anxieties and emotions. What are they towards? Father walk me through this. It’s so uncomfortable. I’m so uncomfortable. I need you God. I need you so much as in this moment right now. Please God. Please. 

This is growth, isn’t father God? This is me just growing up and maturing, finally shedding the young girl qualities, and childish ways. I’m standing in your image as that “Lady in Waiting,” that you are pruning me to be. Thank you for leading me to that book. Every single daughter of yours needs to read that book. Married or not, it’s a staple for every daughter to you King.

Father God, thank you for the opportunities, and doors that you are opening up for me. I can’t even explain this joy that I have in my heart for you Lord. Continue to work in me Lord, as there are some things in me that have lead others, to be respond back to me in anger. As I constantly try to seek you to changes these ways in me. To be a friend and love on others. To not pull anger or negative emotions anymore, but love. And be fruitful only.

Here on this Holy ground

You made a way for peace 

Laying your body down 

You took our rightful place 

This freedom song is marching on 

5/20/16

I seek you to clean my heart Lord. I seek you to tender my heart towards your people. I am so quick to tear someone down. I’m so quick to break others. I did that tonight towards my sister and my mother. Knowing that my mother sees my sister as stronger than me, really hurt my feelings, and really just makes me not deal with anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t see the blessings in anything that comes my way. I instead see that I’ve been disrespected or compared. God work in me. Work in my mind. 

I have to constantly surrender these bad habits, to you and fight to live in faith. It’s not the constant choice that I make God. It’s the last one. It’s the one that I make after being called out by Regina Ann*. I’m dragging my feet in the surrendering, and wrestling with you in this pruning and betterment season that you have for me. How do I stop doing that God? How do I stop myself from continuing with this constant loop, that I allow myself to be in. I’m tapping out. So that I can be taken out of this wrestling match and saying that you win God. 

I was lead to proverbs 3:5-7 Father God, I was lead on how to trust in you, with all my heart. Something that I’ve pretty much battle with everyone: trust. Trust to me can be compared to like money sadly God. The more I have the better I felt, the less I have the more I panicked. God I treated trust as a monetary value. It’s quite disgusting now that I’m admitting this, and writing this out. God I trusted money more than you. I’m sorry God. I’m so sorry. My heart is so filled with brokenness. Wanting to hear from my father and my mother that they are proud of me, instead of going to you to show me love and validation. I went to man. I’m so caught up on what man can do for me. I’m so caught up on how they can satisfy my flesh, when you Lord can satisfy my soul. That’s the thing about feeding your flesh there’s a constant itch to sustain the bottomless hunger. That’s probably why I’m always hungry isn’t it? It’s a black whole with no ending. 

I can’t sustain enough food to full my stomach. Because this hunger is a hunger of my flesh. God only you know what to do with me. I’m someone who chooses the hard way, instead of leaning on you, and trusting the godly people you surround me with. The people that send me to your biblical truth. 

So here I am writing out my emotions and revelations, God what happens now? Am I constantly going to come back to this place, or will I recognize the need to surrender this and pick up my cross; and fully whole heartedly trust you?… It comes down to my heart and trust. You are seeking our hearts to trust in you. 

It’s so simple, but yet I am making it so hard. I’m so stubborn and foolish with my thinking. Instead of receiving and what Regina Ann* is telling me, I try to reject it or forget it. I am going to stop doing that. I am going to take what she says and pray more and seek you. 

The truth is I need you to show me on how to be there for my mom. I need you Lord. I have to push against what’s comfortable towards discomfort. Discomfort is growth and I thwarted this truth. I have to keep pushing. Show me how to think God and how to process things in the spirit and truth. 

We raise our white flag 

We surrender all to You, all for you 

We raise our white flag: the war is over

Love has come, your love has won

5/21/16

In Mark 4:14,17-20, Jesus discusses the dropping of the seed in various soil. Father God, I’ve allowed your truth and message to get crowded out by the worries of life, and desires of the world. Last night was very revealing God, bubbles that I had were popped. No longer can I go back to my old skin, I feel like I’m in a new skin, and have changed to be more like you. It’s scary, because I hope that I’m making the right choices, and decisions. I still battle leaning on myself God. I battle using money as love. I battle being there for others. My selfishness has really gotten out of hand. God, what’s the next move or steps that I take? Where do I go? Are you working in me God, so that your seeds from the word fall on fertile soil and grow strong? How do I behave or engage with others? Am I making sense God? 

I’m praying God for my Holy Spirit to produce good fruits and be stronger than my barren flesh. I’m praying for a solid foundation and core in you Lord. 

Matthew 6:25, states “Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?”

This is something that I battle believing in God. I battle trusting you that day after day I will be feed. I have such a fear of poverty. I feel like I’m mentally off. I choose the world because I stupidly think I am making choices and decisions when I am not. I lack a lot of things, only you can help me overcome them God. Why am I even posting blogs up on this website when I’m not living your truth fully? I battle so much. People like me can’t spread the gospel. Look at how much I’m fighting you on. Am I even fighting? Will this ever end? I’m waving my white flag God.

White Flag by Chris Tomlin, sings about full giving up on our ways, and realizing that it’s God’s ways that prevails. We cannot live fully and be in peace if we can’t raise our white flag, pick up our cross and surrender to God. The raising of the white flag is also symbolic in the claiming that Jesus is Lord, Lord who made us white as snow. Lord, we cleanse us, and purified us; therefore we can pick up our cross, and follow Jesus. 

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high 

Happy reading! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

I’ll Be The One  — May 17, 2016

I’ll Be The One 

“You’ve been searching for someone

Who’ll stand in the gap 

And you’ve been searching for someone

Who will give you their all. 

Here I am Lord, here’s my life Lord”

5/13/16

I still battle a lot of things God, one of them is wanting to be seen and glorified. I am sorry that this is something that I constantly do and I am failing at. Lord, I come to you in needing Your hand towards just overcoming this. Doing this is self-gratification, and self praise. I don’t need to do these things because I have already been validated by you, so this is an area that I am extremely weak in, and need You tremendously to grow out of this unfruitful place. 

5/14/16

I didn’t want come here God, and I wanted to go to the piers. Not here. 

My words. They can either cut or build people. It’s up to me to decide which way I want to go when talking and engaging with others. There’s a lot of bitterness in my heart God. There’s just needs to be a wipe out with the tons of bitterness that I carry. It’s crazy how that is something that I don’t want done to me, but when I feel offended, I’m quick to do it to others. Not good. I choose God to not live in bitterness because it causes others to not want to be around me or even happy to see me. It also robs me of my blessings. It’s sad to say that it was something that I was comfortable doing, but now it’s just leaving me miserable and that’s not why you have me saved. That’s not the purpose for the callings you have on my life. Lord, I choose light and to be in love with my words. 

God, I am someone who just doesn’t consult you often and I’m sorry for doing so, and I’ve done this so many times. I truly repent for not pushing to seek you first. That is not being Christ like or being in Your vein. Lord, I apologize for these decisions that I’ve made so often in the past and I’m coming to you just wanting to change these ways in me. God, please have the Holy Spirit take over before I speak about any topic on any topic with anyone. Father God, I am constantly needing you to show me what to do, because when I do things from my own understanding, in leaning on the flesh and giving the wrong advice. 

No longer do I want to do this God. No longer do I want to stay here in the brokenness of thoughts and feelings. You introduce me to a world of peace, and that is where I want to abide in. Father God, continue to guide me and give me the strength to lean on you during the times where bitterness and meanness want to come out, and not your Spirit that produces good fruits, godly fruits for others to be blessed with. These are the things that I am constantly struggling with God. Father God, I pray as I seek you and just continue to lean on you and trust you that I am more focused on growth, and not breaking others down or being bitter. It’s about being a sister and a friend to them, and constantly reminding them, that you are with them. 

God, I just say yes. I say yes to you in every capacity. I surrender and choose to seek you and want you. God it’s your ways that I trust to go forward with and continue to draw closer to you. So Lord, as you call me and say it’s time, I say yes. For your ways are not mine, they are higher. Isaiah 55:8

5/15/16 

Lord, I need you. I so need you. I just want you, I place too much expectations on man. And I don’t want this to continue anymore. When will the falling asleep in services end? When will this end God? I rebuke you Satan in the blood of Jesus for these whack attempts. 

God this truly sucks. I can not continue on this way. Heal this Lord, heal me. Lord, this little girl said to me just now that she saw me sleeping, and I tried to deny it. Lord, I need you. 

5/17/16

Work in me oh God, create a clean heart within me. God it’s so hard to be this sensitive and easily triggered by things. I need you and I give you these emotions. I need you and I just want to walk in your truth. As I began to read your Word, God plant in me all things that are good. Remove the barren fruit from within me. I need to get better, and not be in this realm of lazy. I need you God. Please show me how to be there for others. How to actually shower them, the way that they need to be showered with love. This is such a weak area for me, and I come to you God, seeking in not knowing what to do. How can I not be so easily triggered by the simplest things. I need to get to the root of these emotions and give them to you Lord. I’m coming to you Lord in just a desperate need to be on fire and seeking your presence.

God in your word it says “let us not be weary for doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

I’m always wanting to give up because it just gets too hard. It just gets too difficult. I yearn to understand your voice more, and grow in you more. Father how do I go about that? How do I become your servant and be in a spirit of gratitude, not bitterness or ungratefulness? God, I just feel like I can’t hold on anymore. I need you to show me how to go, where to go. Father God, I need you to show me how to not be lazy and in my own ways so often. I’m ready for your rest.

I’ll Be The One by Briana Babineaux off of her self-titled album Bri, is such a beautiful song of harmony and vocals inviting God to be able to do the work needed in our hearts to prepare us for the journey, and calling that he has for us. She claims with her words “you don’t have to look no further”, is choosing to say to God, I say yes! Pick me God, “cause I’ll be the one” to be the servant that you need for your people. For your kingdom. Amen. 

“You don’t have to search no further

I’ll be the one, yes, 

I’ll be the one, ohhh I’ll be the one 

You can find me in your temple 

God I’m always available, I’ll be the one….”

Happy reading!! Happy listening!!! Blessings!! Xoxo

By Myself  — May 11, 2016

By Myself 

Can’t make it without you, Oh God

5/8/16

Father God, I need you to show me how to not make things easy for the devil. Show me how to fight God. Please show me. 

Father God it seems that for a very long time I have been in denial about my insensitivity, and lack of being there for others. I did this today with Regina Ann* and I truly do apologize for laughing at her, when she was expressing to me her pain and burdens. Lord I surrender this lack of insensitivity on to you. It’s hurting our friendship, sisterhood and dynamic. I do apologize for my lack of being there, and now inputting enough in this relationship. I am sorry for whatever it is that I have afflicted or caused her to swallow and deal with. Lord, I come to you in surrender. It seems that my heart isn’t broken enough. Take away everything God so that I can get to that mental switch where I fully am yours. No more half-hearting. No more halfieses with you. God I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long that I am hurting and missing my blessings. I am still leaning on my own understanding after all the blogs and declarations that I have written. Help me Lord. Help me to change from the inside out and be a sister and friend for those who are in need and in my life. I fail at these things. I’m coming to you because I don’t know who else to turn to when I hit these roadblocks and realizations in my life. I am the reason why I am here. I lead myself to this space, and I am seeking your Holy Spirit for it to stop. Only your power can end this web of madness that I have created and fed for so long. I am the reason why I choose the feed the bad traits. I’m the reason why I choose to feed the flesh. I’m the reason I’m in a belly of a whale. How can I begin to lean on you when I haven’t fully surrendered? I explained my lack of trust in you. I need to just trust in you. There’s no need to doubt, there’s no need to be anxious or in fear. That’s not the spirit that dwells in me, you blessed me with a spirit of love, peace and a sound mind. But there is a greater need of total dependency on you. That I dangerously lack. 

5/10/16

It feels like I’m not doing anything by turning to you. I say that I’m all in God, but that isn’t enough. Words are not my heart. Hearing from others that I am someone who is draining because of my pull to the world is not a good feeling. I truly don’t know what to do, and if I do then I’m the pathetic idiot holding myself back. I’m tired of this dangerous dance. I’m tired of leaning on my own understanding. I just want to know how it truly feels like to lean on you. I’m just so tapped out of emotions and just want to cry at you feet and hope that up can touch me. That you tell me it’s going to work out, because right now all I see is people telling me that you need to fully surrender when I am pushing myself to you. I am crawling at everything to be better. So I’m don’t know what else to say to you God. You know how I feel. Just out of place and searching for you. Can I reset and do somethings over? I wished I never chased after the world. There’s no need for it, it just lead me here desperate for you; and hoping that I can feel the Holy Spirit be on fire. It’s hard to conceptualize how I’m not on fire for you. I just want to be on fire for you. Whatever I have to do. I give up this world. I will go on any mission trips to draw closer to you and finally make that surrendered switch. Like I am just here saying Lord, I surrender. I am willing to make the necessary changes to grow in you and to abide in you. God today I changed my screen saver to Psalms 46:5

God is within her, she will not fail. 

How I fight to believe this God. How I fight to receive this as truth when I am finally realizing how I placed myself in this whale like Jonah, which just lead to destruction. I was so caught up in chasing what I don’t have, instead of seeking in you, and what you wanted from me. Lord, I made a mistake. I don’t want the world. I don’t want to serve two masters. I don’t want anything that feeds the flesh what I do need is you, and solely you. Lord I come to you because I need to surrender this mindset once and for all. Never looking back or getting caught up in the “what ifs”. Lord, I turn to you, and I just seek you. I thought that I could do it my way, now look where I landed because of it, I’m just over it God. Wanting a new skin. Wanting to be freed from this person that causes arguments and dysfunctions. I was told that I’m draining God. I don’t want to be near people anymore. I always make the wrong decisions when I’m around those who are closest to me so I’m surrendering. I’m tapping out. Not leaning on my own understanding. Now making things hard for others. Not pushing people’s buttons. I’m surrendering to you. 

I’m making that mental switch. I’m leaning on you instead. You want me to stay in Mvmnt fine. You want me to be an educator, fine. You want me to serve in btkids! fine. Wherever else you want me to serve I say yes. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t continue in these dysfunction patterns. I don’t know how to continue to good godly patterns and ways. I don’t know how to seek the supernatural and not rely on the tangible. I’m seek you in order to change the tune of being in the same broken cycle that I am in. I can no longer continue this way. I don’t want to. So I surrender with my heart. So I surrender with every fiber of my being. I don’t want this brokenness anymore. I don’t want the paranoia and the brokenness of my mother. I don’t want the selfishness and greed like my father. I want to break these generational curses. Can they end Lord? Can they no longer be continued from this day forward. Can I have a new heart? I switch out this stone heart. A heart that solely beats for you. A heart that is for your people. A heart that serves others. A heart filled with compassion. 

Lord I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I need to start with a renewed mind of freedom, not of brokenness. Can I wake up tomorrow no longer making the same decisions that I’ve made in my friendships and my future godly relationship. Can I wake up tomorrow no longer acting as if it’s me against the world? Lord, I need you. I finally see how broken my heart needs to get. It needs to get this way to get me look up. I choose to look up. I choose to look up God. I finally choose to say yes for your plans for me. So I’m saying I’m ready to step into the roles you have for me. I’m ready to be the daughter that you’re calling me to be. Is my heart broken enough God? Have it break some more if it’s not. Have it break where I never look back. Have it break where I only press forward never backwards. Upward falling where your spirit is soaring.

I’m an abuser, a taker, an attacker, a manipulator, a pusher, a joker, a girl with no remorse for others. I have a serious potty mouth. Former alcoholic. An attention seeker. Paranoid. Can’t handle constructive criticism for nothing, and instead I take them as backhanded insults. I’m just a mess God. I’m just a mess. 

Is me even writing all of this doing any good? What does it really do? Why can’t I get it together, and do what it is that you’re telling me to do? I want to live with reckless abandonment like Ruth. I want to always say yes to you no matter what, my parents say or feel. Like Ruth and her mother figure Naomi. I want to be your lady in waiting. 

God I am surrendered. I’m finally all yours finally my first love has my whole heart. I’m not by myself, never was and never will be.

By Myself by Deon Kipping is a resounding theme pleading of realization, that I can no longer go on this way, any further with my flesh. I needed to finally be in the “heart broken” space that will have me fully and wholeheartedly surrendered to my King.

By myself, it won’t work 

Lord I need, I need your help

By myself, it won’t work 

Lord I need, I need your help 

Holy Spirit — May 7, 2016

Holy Spirit

There’s nothing worth more, that will ever come close No thing can compare, you’re our living hope 

Your presence Lord 



5/6/16

Father God I haven’t been in your word enough and I’m sorry. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I know you will be there. God you are telling me to give up my dreams, and that’s something that I am surrendering to you. After fighting and wrestling with you for this long, I give up my dreams of a singing career, working career and personal ambitions of chasing and wanting things of the world. I give up wanting to be in the know and knowing all the hottest place. I give up my dreams of a vacation and seeking things that satisfy my flesh. I give up not trusting you. I give up not being real with you. I give up using my mom and sister as a clutch. I give up not stepping full throttle into the supernatural and wholly trusting you. I give up wanting to isolate and be away from the body. I give up always getting defensive. I give up not being proactive. I give up half-way chasing you. I give up my dreams of status and fame, and recognition, and glory and honor. They all belong to you. Father God I give up myself. I can no longer live outside of what you have for me. I can no longer feel this groans and pain. So I come to you God seeking you and saying I give it all up. I give up my hair and beauty doubts. I give up my lack of self-esteem. I give up my burdens and yolks. I give up my meltdowns. I give up my heart to you. Have my heart God. Have it truly. Have it fully. It’s yours. I want to live for you and not for myself. I can’t think of me anymore. I want to love your people more. I need a revival within to better serve your people where you placed me to serve. I need you. Whatever it is that I have to do to trust you blindly, I say yes. I say yes to you. I say yes to your visions and plans for my life. I say yes for your mold for my life. I say yes to how you want me to grow and be a lady of faith and to be bold, regardless of how others may perceive it, I don’t live for them God, I must only live for you. So I’m coming to your presence and saying I rather walk around blindfolded trusting wholeheartedly in you than have my eyes and wrongly trust in myself. I call on you to permeate my heart God and make it beat for you. 

5/7/16

Jesus told his disciplines to keep watch and for them to stay up and not give into temptation. I feel like I am in the same roadblock with myself, and with my relationship with you. How can I combat this? What is there to do? I am seeking you to cast out this drowsiness that’s in my life. When I am closing my eyes, I’m easily falling asleep and wanting to succumb to the wave that overcomes me. Lord I need you to show me how to overcome this. I just need your healing in this. Please help me. I am crying out to you, seeking you in this. I so badly want to just let the sleep take over. It’s apparent that it’s not of you, but the wave of sleep becomes too hard to resist and push away. It seems like it’s happening as I draw closer to you like right now. I almost bang my head on this wooden coffee shop’s table. I need you God. I need the Holy Spirit to show me how to walk through this. Lord I need you. I need the spirit to cast it out. I’m willing to take the necessary steps in fighting this and being more in the spirit and less in my flesh. 

I’ve tasted and seen, of the sweetest of loves Where my heart becomes free, and my shame is undone 

Your presence Lord

Like I was serving two masters. I was two people. Willfully wanting to be in your presence and grow more intimately with you; but the sleepiness was what open the door to create the second person who wanted the desires of the world, and validation from people and from worldly men. I would constantly feed and see that everyone was blessed but me. I would think that I never look good in pictures. I would rather go blind than wear my glasses, since I can’t afford better glasses or contacts. Seeing that people consistently choose to not wear glasses, was something that I thought that I needed to do because I would at least look better in photos. I hated being photographed because I would consistently see that I have a double-chin or I’m not attractive. I am so mean to myself because all that I see is the imperfections. Not the beauty that God created. All that I see is the bad nothing about me is good or godly, especially since I was serving two masters. I gave into temptation time after time. I thought I could control how far I go in my flesh. I was so open to dysfunction and brokenness because everyone around me has the opportunity to experience things before they got saved why couldn’t I. Why couldn’t I think the way that they did? I wanted the mentality and stature of a broken worldly individual, not of Jesus. Not seeking the spirit. I would literally not even take time out of my day to ask God anything. To speak to God. I wouldn’t think to start small, “like what shall I wear today God.” Thoughts of that degree wouldn’t cross my mind, which is telling and describes my own with relationship with God. I’m very frustrated with my season. I just want to sleep it away. I just want to walk and learn already. I’m trying to combat this wave of sleep with being in the word, it’s a fight, and a constant battle. I pray for your healing and deliverance on this God. I pray for your spirit to move in me in a whole new way. Amen. 

“Keep watch and pray so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

(Matthew 26:41)

I want everyone’s else blessings but my own because I truly believe that my blessing are whack and not going to glorify me. I didn’t think about glorifying God, I became cosume with glorifying myself and just wanting to be blessed. So I served the master that thought it was best if I seek things that I want. I hate that I go to the place of asking my parents for money. I begin to seek for ways to make more money and God blocks everyone of the opportunities to create additional coins for my pocket. The thing is I have a hard time trusting you God. I think that you will leave me shattered and broken, hungry and not blessed. I want to be able to be passionate about teaching. All I know that it is a calling and somedays I am passionate about it, but I don’t trust you God. That’s what it boils down to plain and simple. In my heart these pieces that believes that you will have me go through so much for no reason. There’s part of me that allowed the lies of Satan to get so far that it lead to my lack of trust in you. I brought myself here, and yet you still say to follow you. You still say that I’m shedding, and letting go of things. I’m just thinking that I’m finally being upfront and honest. I would get defensive with others because I would think that it’s the way to response since they are pointing out that I’m not trusting you. I was in deep total denial with the truth. I rather see what I wanted to see, things through my eyes, through the flesh, notice that it was never through the spirit that I have been relying on for a long time. I have practically dulled the spirit. For awhile i just didn’t want to fully let you in God, because I didn’t think you had the best for me. Everything felt like it came with a stipulation, because I had to be patient and wait. Simply just trust you and wait. Didn’t like those answers. And simply invited the wrong master in because of my impatience. I became again two people, that I no longer can continue to be. I choose to trust you wholeheartedly. 

“You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him….”

( 1 Peter 1:8) 

Holy Spirit is such a well recorded worship song, with many various versions from so many amazing worship artists. Kim Walker-Smith sings the song in a way, where she is desperately asking The Holy Spirit with every fiber of her being into her space. That is where I am at, just with my heart, and with every fiber that God has constructed in me to seek out the presence of the Holy Spirit, and seek out for him.

Let us become more aware of Your Presence

Let us experience the Glory of Your Goodness

Let us become more aware of Your Presence

Let us experience the Glory of your Goodness 
Lord,

Holy Spirit you are welcome here

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere

Your Glory God is what our hearts long for 

To be overcome by your presence Lord

Your Presence Lord 




Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo





Made A Way — May 4, 2016

Made A Way

5/3/16

It’s hard to fight this validation crap. 

Break down my walls God. Break them down and make a way. I just need you. I surrender so you can break down my walls and have my bondages. My yolks. Have it all. You made a way. 

I don’t pour into others God. I’m not selfless. I’m not. I don’t know how especially with growing up and being told to not trust others. I’m not sacrificial. I’m not. I’m very selfish and very concerned about me. I’m so tired of this season. Can you please show me how to be there for others and not only myself? I can’t even communicate with kids properly and I work with them. I’m so slow in this area God. I’m so in need of you showing me how to be better in this area. I’m so in need of your healing and ways in this area. I just want to be in my bed and cry out everything that I lack in.  

I don’t know how to be there for others. I don’t even know how to be there for myself. It feels like I’m always saying the wrong thing. Sometimes at work I feel like I’m so stupid. Can I please be able to retain the verses that I am trying to mediate on and just draw closer to you? Please break down my walls. Please make a way. Please say yes. Please make the necessary changes in my life. Please God. I need you. Please. I’m so in desperate need of no longer being selfish. I need you God. I don’t know how to pour into others. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t count Regina Ann* you needed her.

God all I’m hearing from my mother is that “I left her”. I can no longer carry these hurts that she tries throw on me. I can no longer be in my house. I can no longer wake up to find her behind the bathroom door with this whole speech of how she’s been there for me my whole life. I can no longer live in the state of where my mind is, the fatigue is overwhelming. I can no longer be in these bondages that I have tolerated and inhaled for so long. I can no long breathe God. I need your air. I need your air God. I need you to please heal me, cause I can’t do this anymore. What is it that I need to learn? 

I choose you. I just choose you. I need you to show me what to do. I wake up everyday and I feel like I don’t have a purpose. I feel like I’m just going to church and serving and working. But what is my purpose? Why am I here God? What is it that you want me to learn ? 

I come to you because I can’t turn to no one else. Only you can show me what it is that I need to know. Please make a way God. Please talk to me. If this is a routine then I’m sorry. I’m done with leaning on my own understanding. 

God what is it that you are trying to tell me?

In your word you tell Peter “tend to my sheep”. Show me how Lord to be there for your people. To pray for them, and have them lean on me for strength or prayer. Show me how to be there for your people to care for them and love them selflessly, without needing anything in return. Father God I trade in those habits that I have been carrying and using for your ways. I trade in my heart of stone, with one that beats for you and your people. Lord, I come to you with all my heart in need of tendering for your sheep, your people. 

Your kingdom needs lovers, not takers. I want to learn how to love like you do. Show me how to love like you Lord. I seek to know how to “tend your sheep”, because doing so involves care and love. Doing so involves me being a servant of your house. I rather be the doorkeeper, than serve anywhere else. So Lord, this ‘what about me,’ mentality dies. 

I am willing to put in the work. Do whatever it takes to tend to your sheep; to be there for your people. Lord I’m coming to you not just seeking answers, but resting on your mercies. Resting on the push that your are giving me to be better in leaning on you and not on my own understanding. 

Made a way by Travis Green is such a powerful song. The lyrics are a cry out to God in acknowledging how almighty and powerful he truly is. The thing about this song is that it is the anthem of breakthroughs and overcomings. The personal testimony that is delivered throughout the song gives a believer renewed hope in that the thing they are facing is an obstacle course that they will surely overcome because God truly moves mountains, and cause walls to fall. 

And you made a way

When our backs were against the wall

And it looked as if it was over

You made a way

And we’re standing here

Only because you made a way

You move mountains

You cause walls to fall

With your power

You perform miracles

There is nothing that’s impossible

And we’re standing here

Only because you made a way

Happy listening! Happy reading! Blessings! Xoxo

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