5/3/16

It’s hard to fight this validation crap. 

Break down my walls God. Break them down and make a way. I just need you. I surrender so you can break down my walls and have my bondages. My yolks. Have it all. You made a way. 

I don’t pour into others God. I’m not selfless. I’m not. I don’t know how especially with growing up and being told to not trust others. I’m not sacrificial. I’m not. I’m very selfish and very concerned about me. I’m so tired of this season. Can you please show me how to be there for others and not only myself? I can’t even communicate with kids properly and I work with them. I’m so slow in this area God. I’m so in need of you showing me how to be better in this area. I’m so in need of your healing and ways in this area. I just want to be in my bed and cry out everything that I lack in.  

I don’t know how to be there for others. I don’t even know how to be there for myself. It feels like I’m always saying the wrong thing. Sometimes at work I feel like I’m so stupid. Can I please be able to retain the verses that I am trying to mediate on and just draw closer to you? Please break down my walls. Please make a way. Please say yes. Please make the necessary changes in my life. Please God. I need you. Please. I’m so in desperate need of no longer being selfish. I need you God. I don’t know how to pour into others. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t count Regina Ann* you needed her.

God all I’m hearing from my mother is that “I left her”. I can no longer carry these hurts that she tries throw on me. I can no longer be in my house. I can no longer wake up to find her behind the bathroom door with this whole speech of how she’s been there for me my whole life. I can no longer live in the state of where my mind is, the fatigue is overwhelming. I can no longer be in these bondages that I have tolerated and inhaled for so long. I can no long breathe God. I need your air. I need your air God. I need you to please heal me, cause I can’t do this anymore. What is it that I need to learn? 

I choose you. I just choose you. I need you to show me what to do. I wake up everyday and I feel like I don’t have a purpose. I feel like I’m just going to church and serving and working. But what is my purpose? Why am I here God? What is it that you want me to learn ? 

I come to you because I can’t turn to no one else. Only you can show me what it is that I need to know. Please make a way God. Please talk to me. If this is a routine then I’m sorry. I’m done with leaning on my own understanding. 

God what is it that you are trying to tell me?

In your word you tell Peter “tend to my sheep”. Show me how Lord to be there for your people. To pray for them, and have them lean on me for strength or prayer. Show me how to be there for your people to care for them and love them selflessly, without needing anything in return. Father God I trade in those habits that I have been carrying and using for your ways. I trade in my heart of stone, with one that beats for you and your people. Lord, I come to you with all my heart in need of tendering for your sheep, your people. 

Your kingdom needs lovers, not takers. I want to learn how to love like you do. Show me how to love like you Lord. I seek to know how to “tend your sheep”, because doing so involves care and love. Doing so involves me being a servant of your house. I rather be the doorkeeper, than serve anywhere else. So Lord, this ‘what about me,’ mentality dies. 

I am willing to put in the work. Do whatever it takes to tend to your sheep; to be there for your people. Lord I’m coming to you not just seeking answers, but resting on your mercies. Resting on the push that your are giving me to be better in leaning on you and not on my own understanding. 

Made a way by Travis Green is such a powerful song. The lyrics are a cry out to God in acknowledging how almighty and powerful he truly is. The thing about this song is that it is the anthem of breakthroughs and overcomings. The personal testimony that is delivered throughout the song gives a believer renewed hope in that the thing they are facing is an obstacle course that they will surely overcome because God truly moves mountains, and cause walls to fall. 

And you made a way

When our backs were against the wall

And it looked as if it was over

You made a way

And we’re standing here

Only because you made a way

You move mountains

You cause walls to fall

With your power

You perform miracles

There is nothing that’s impossible

And we’re standing here

Only because you made a way

Happy listening! Happy reading! Blessings! Xoxo

Advertisements