Can’t make it without you, Oh God

5/8/16

Father God, I need you to show me how to not make things easy for the devil. Show me how to fight God. Please show me. 

Father God it seems that for a very long time I have been in denial about my insensitivity, and lack of being there for others. I did this today with Regina Ann* and I truly do apologize for laughing at her, when she was expressing to me her pain and burdens. Lord I surrender this lack of insensitivity on to you. It’s hurting our friendship, sisterhood and dynamic. I do apologize for my lack of being there, and now inputting enough in this relationship. I am sorry for whatever it is that I have afflicted or caused her to swallow and deal with. Lord, I come to you in surrender. It seems that my heart isn’t broken enough. Take away everything God so that I can get to that mental switch where I fully am yours. No more half-hearting. No more halfieses with you. God I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long that I am hurting and missing my blessings. I am still leaning on my own understanding after all the blogs and declarations that I have written. Help me Lord. Help me to change from the inside out and be a sister and friend for those who are in need and in my life. I fail at these things. I’m coming to you because I don’t know who else to turn to when I hit these roadblocks and realizations in my life. I am the reason why I am here. I lead myself to this space, and I am seeking your Holy Spirit for it to stop. Only your power can end this web of madness that I have created and fed for so long. I am the reason why I choose the feed the bad traits. I’m the reason why I choose to feed the flesh. I’m the reason I’m in a belly of a whale. How can I begin to lean on you when I haven’t fully surrendered? I explained my lack of trust in you. I need to just trust in you. There’s no need to doubt, there’s no need to be anxious or in fear. That’s not the spirit that dwells in me, you blessed me with a spirit of love, peace and a sound mind. But there is a greater need of total dependency on you. That I dangerously lack. 

5/10/16

It feels like I’m not doing anything by turning to you. I say that I’m all in God, but that isn’t enough. Words are not my heart. Hearing from others that I am someone who is draining because of my pull to the world is not a good feeling. I truly don’t know what to do, and if I do then I’m the pathetic idiot holding myself back. I’m tired of this dangerous dance. I’m tired of leaning on my own understanding. I just want to know how it truly feels like to lean on you. I’m just so tapped out of emotions and just want to cry at you feet and hope that up can touch me. That you tell me it’s going to work out, because right now all I see is people telling me that you need to fully surrender when I am pushing myself to you. I am crawling at everything to be better. So I’m don’t know what else to say to you God. You know how I feel. Just out of place and searching for you. Can I reset and do somethings over? I wished I never chased after the world. There’s no need for it, it just lead me here desperate for you; and hoping that I can feel the Holy Spirit be on fire. It’s hard to conceptualize how I’m not on fire for you. I just want to be on fire for you. Whatever I have to do. I give up this world. I will go on any mission trips to draw closer to you and finally make that surrendered switch. Like I am just here saying Lord, I surrender. I am willing to make the necessary changes to grow in you and to abide in you. God today I changed my screen saver to Psalms 46:5

God is within her, she will not fail. 

How I fight to believe this God. How I fight to receive this as truth when I am finally realizing how I placed myself in this whale like Jonah, which just lead to destruction. I was so caught up in chasing what I don’t have, instead of seeking in you, and what you wanted from me. Lord, I made a mistake. I don’t want the world. I don’t want to serve two masters. I don’t want anything that feeds the flesh what I do need is you, and solely you. Lord I come to you because I need to surrender this mindset once and for all. Never looking back or getting caught up in the “what ifs”. Lord, I turn to you, and I just seek you. I thought that I could do it my way, now look where I landed because of it, I’m just over it God. Wanting a new skin. Wanting to be freed from this person that causes arguments and dysfunctions. I was told that I’m draining God. I don’t want to be near people anymore. I always make the wrong decisions when I’m around those who are closest to me so I’m surrendering. I’m tapping out. Not leaning on my own understanding. Now making things hard for others. Not pushing people’s buttons. I’m surrendering to you. 

I’m making that mental switch. I’m leaning on you instead. You want me to stay in Mvmnt fine. You want me to be an educator, fine. You want me to serve in btkids! fine. Wherever else you want me to serve I say yes. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t continue in these dysfunction patterns. I don’t know how to continue to good godly patterns and ways. I don’t know how to seek the supernatural and not rely on the tangible. I’m seek you in order to change the tune of being in the same broken cycle that I am in. I can no longer continue this way. I don’t want to. So I surrender with my heart. So I surrender with every fiber of my being. I don’t want this brokenness anymore. I don’t want the paranoia and the brokenness of my mother. I don’t want the selfishness and greed like my father. I want to break these generational curses. Can they end Lord? Can they no longer be continued from this day forward. Can I have a new heart? I switch out this stone heart. A heart that solely beats for you. A heart that is for your people. A heart that serves others. A heart filled with compassion. 

Lord I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I need to start with a renewed mind of freedom, not of brokenness. Can I wake up tomorrow no longer making the same decisions that I’ve made in my friendships and my future godly relationship. Can I wake up tomorrow no longer acting as if it’s me against the world? Lord, I need you. I finally see how broken my heart needs to get. It needs to get this way to get me look up. I choose to look up. I choose to look up God. I finally choose to say yes for your plans for me. So I’m saying I’m ready to step into the roles you have for me. I’m ready to be the daughter that you’re calling me to be. Is my heart broken enough God? Have it break some more if it’s not. Have it break where I never look back. Have it break where I only press forward never backwards. Upward falling where your spirit is soaring.

I’m an abuser, a taker, an attacker, a manipulator, a pusher, a joker, a girl with no remorse for others. I have a serious potty mouth. Former alcoholic. An attention seeker. Paranoid. Can’t handle constructive criticism for nothing, and instead I take them as backhanded insults. I’m just a mess God. I’m just a mess. 

Is me even writing all of this doing any good? What does it really do? Why can’t I get it together, and do what it is that you’re telling me to do? I want to live with reckless abandonment like Ruth. I want to always say yes to you no matter what, my parents say or feel. Like Ruth and her mother figure Naomi. I want to be your lady in waiting. 

God I am surrendered. I’m finally all yours finally my first love has my whole heart. I’m not by myself, never was and never will be.

By Myself by Deon Kipping is a resounding theme pleading of realization, that I can no longer go on this way, any further with my flesh. I needed to finally be in the “heart broken” space that will have me fully and wholeheartedly surrendered to my King.

By myself, it won’t work 

Lord I need, I need your help

By myself, it won’t work 

Lord I need, I need your help 

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