5/18/16

Father God, the veil was torn last night. You revealed to me truths that have been buried deep, and now surfaced to the light that are now out. I seek you for answers and truth, and just acknowledging you are the only one that holds all the answers. 

Father God, talking to my cousin just now on the phone really hit home that my mom has breast cancer. This is something that I’ve been feeling numb, and shock towards. But no longer can I feel numb or be in suppression with my feelings. I have to give you these emotions, and walk through this season, trusting in you and your will. Lord whatever you will may be, I will still proclaim that you are Lord. I will still proclaim that you are God. I will still praise your name. Lord, I come to you, asking for your hand in this season to guide me. It’s difficult Lord knowing this, but still Lord, I trust that you will work this out. This is a testimony that you know my mom can walk through and can bear. 

It’s not easy this season God, it’s not easy to trust you when things are the opposite of what you say they are or will be. 

The battle rages on 

As storms and tempests soar

We cannot win this fight

Inside our rebel hearts

We’re laying down our weapons 

5/19/16

Father God, how I can’t sit still. What is going on with me God? What is it that is causing this? God, please walk with me through these anxieties and emotions. What are they towards? Father walk me through this. It’s so uncomfortable. I’m so uncomfortable. I need you God. I need you so much as in this moment right now. Please God. Please. 

This is growth, isn’t father God? This is me just growing up and maturing, finally shedding the young girl qualities, and childish ways. I’m standing in your image as that “Lady in Waiting,” that you are pruning me to be. Thank you for leading me to that book. Every single daughter of yours needs to read that book. Married or not, it’s a staple for every daughter to you King.

Father God, thank you for the opportunities, and doors that you are opening up for me. I can’t even explain this joy that I have in my heart for you Lord. Continue to work in me Lord, as there are some things in me that have lead others, to be respond back to me in anger. As I constantly try to seek you to changes these ways in me. To be a friend and love on others. To not pull anger or negative emotions anymore, but love. And be fruitful only.

Here on this Holy ground

You made a way for peace 

Laying your body down 

You took our rightful place 

This freedom song is marching on 

5/20/16

I seek you to clean my heart Lord. I seek you to tender my heart towards your people. I am so quick to tear someone down. I’m so quick to break others. I did that tonight towards my sister and my mother. Knowing that my mother sees my sister as stronger than me, really hurt my feelings, and really just makes me not deal with anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t see the blessings in anything that comes my way. I instead see that I’ve been disrespected or compared. God work in me. Work in my mind. 

I have to constantly surrender these bad habits, to you and fight to live in faith. It’s not the constant choice that I make God. It’s the last one. It’s the one that I make after being called out by Regina Ann*. I’m dragging my feet in the surrendering, and wrestling with you in this pruning and betterment season that you have for me. How do I stop doing that God? How do I stop myself from continuing with this constant loop, that I allow myself to be in. I’m tapping out. So that I can be taken out of this wrestling match and saying that you win God. 

I was lead to proverbs 3:5-7 Father God, I was lead on how to trust in you, with all my heart. Something that I’ve pretty much battle with everyone: trust. Trust to me can be compared to like money sadly God. The more I have the better I felt, the less I have the more I panicked. God I treated trust as a monetary value. It’s quite disgusting now that I’m admitting this, and writing this out. God I trusted money more than you. I’m sorry God. I’m so sorry. My heart is so filled with brokenness. Wanting to hear from my father and my mother that they are proud of me, instead of going to you to show me love and validation. I went to man. I’m so caught up on what man can do for me. I’m so caught up on how they can satisfy my flesh, when you Lord can satisfy my soul. That’s the thing about feeding your flesh there’s a constant itch to sustain the bottomless hunger. That’s probably why I’m always hungry isn’t it? It’s a black whole with no ending. 

I can’t sustain enough food to full my stomach. Because this hunger is a hunger of my flesh. God only you know what to do with me. I’m someone who chooses the hard way, instead of leaning on you, and trusting the godly people you surround me with. The people that send me to your biblical truth. 

So here I am writing out my emotions and revelations, God what happens now? Am I constantly going to come back to this place, or will I recognize the need to surrender this and pick up my cross; and fully whole heartedly trust you?… It comes down to my heart and trust. You are seeking our hearts to trust in you. 

It’s so simple, but yet I am making it so hard. I’m so stubborn and foolish with my thinking. Instead of receiving and what Regina Ann* is telling me, I try to reject it or forget it. I am going to stop doing that. I am going to take what she says and pray more and seek you. 

The truth is I need you to show me on how to be there for my mom. I need you Lord. I have to push against what’s comfortable towards discomfort. Discomfort is growth and I thwarted this truth. I have to keep pushing. Show me how to think God and how to process things in the spirit and truth. 

We raise our white flag 

We surrender all to You, all for you 

We raise our white flag: the war is over

Love has come, your love has won

5/21/16

In Mark 4:14,17-20, Jesus discusses the dropping of the seed in various soil. Father God, I’ve allowed your truth and message to get crowded out by the worries of life, and desires of the world. Last night was very revealing God, bubbles that I had were popped. No longer can I go back to my old skin, I feel like I’m in a new skin, and have changed to be more like you. It’s scary, because I hope that I’m making the right choices, and decisions. I still battle leaning on myself God. I battle using money as love. I battle being there for others. My selfishness has really gotten out of hand. God, what’s the next move or steps that I take? Where do I go? Are you working in me God, so that your seeds from the word fall on fertile soil and grow strong? How do I behave or engage with others? Am I making sense God? 

I’m praying God for my Holy Spirit to produce good fruits and be stronger than my barren flesh. I’m praying for a solid foundation and core in you Lord. 

Matthew 6:25, states “Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?”

This is something that I battle believing in God. I battle trusting you that day after day I will be feed. I have such a fear of poverty. I feel like I’m mentally off. I choose the world because I stupidly think I am making choices and decisions when I am not. I lack a lot of things, only you can help me overcome them God. Why am I even posting blogs up on this website when I’m not living your truth fully? I battle so much. People like me can’t spread the gospel. Look at how much I’m fighting you on. Am I even fighting? Will this ever end? I’m waving my white flag God.

White Flag by Chris Tomlin, sings about full giving up on our ways, and realizing that it’s God’s ways that prevails. We cannot live fully and be in peace if we can’t raise our white flag, pick up our cross and surrender to God. The raising of the white flag is also symbolic in the claiming that Jesus is Lord, Lord who made us white as snow. Lord, we cleanse us, and purified us; therefore we can pick up our cross, and follow Jesus. 

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high

We lift the cross, lift it high, lift it high 

Happy reading! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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