Your love is devoted, Like a ring of solid gold

Like a vow that is tested 

Like a covenant of old

Your love is enduring 

Through the winter rain

And beyond the horizon 

With mercy for today 

5/24/16

I cannot be still for nothing God. Please heal these feelings, that are coming to me. What is it that I’m not asking? I pray for your revealing of truth over my life Lord. 

Father God, I pray that once the season of dating happens for me, Lord that I have boundaries and guidelines. God I truly want your truth, and wisdom in what guidelines and boundaries I need to set. God I need your help in this area. 

Father God, my headphones were just misplaced. What is it that you want me to learn here? You want me to grow up don’t you God? You know how much I love to listen to music God. You know how much I do. I’m so annoyed right now and bothered. Make a way, God. Father God, I rest in you. 

This season is not easy. I’m just mentally drained, and want you to tell me what to do next. I thank you for the praise reports, that I have with the new opportunities. I also need you to make a way with my home situation. The fact that my mom is falling into depression, because of the advancing cancer. My dad isn’t doing his part in stepping up with helping out, and being there for my mom. In fact he’s doing the exact opposite. He is in more denial about my mom having cancer; he’s just wanting my mom to pay the bills. My father’s head is chopped off as the head of the household. Father God, for so long I saw that my parent’s marriage was not the marriage I wanted for myself. For the longest I also saw that I couldn’t see myself doing anything past 30 years old. When I pictured 30 I always saw darkness. It was just black and bleak. I also thought for a while that settling was the option that I need to go with. 

Father God, how I need you in this house. Then there’s my relationship with my sister. It isn’t really the most loving dynamic. There’s so much of your healing, and restoration that is needed at my house. Your telling me that it’s time to move, but to move on to where? Where is it that I’m supposed to go? Father God how I need you. How I just need you to change the entire situation of my home. I’ve kept quiet for so long Abba. No one knows the years of carrying this baggage and burden that I am finally giving to you. No one knows that at such a young age, I’ve learned to play off the brokenness that exists in my household, and the dysfunction that I’ve experience in a daily basis. God how I need you to change my ways and my thinking. Change in me all things that are not aligned with you, especially the broken teachings that I have been brought up with. I give them all to you. 

I choose to look up God, not focus on the horizontal. No more looking to my left or right, behind me or in front of me. Only looking up. 

Faithful you have been, and faithful you will be 

You pledge yourself to me, and it’s why I sing 

5/26/16

God, my anxieties are so bad that I want to throw up, or is this because of the donut I ate from dunkin donuts? I definitely can’t eat these donuts again, you’ve told this before. I reject it, now I understand why you warned me. You make us see the signs we ignore one way or another.

It’s hard to describe these emotions of sadness that is trying to overcome me. Father God, that created an uneasiness in me that I am giving to you. I haven’t been able to maintain my composure about what you revealed, but God I am choosing to remain vertical and steadfast in you. You are just telling me to be still. I need you to walk me through what’s next, whatever that may be. I don’t even know how to fully describe these emotions that I feel. I just know that they are there. Take over God, I will solemnly put my trust in you. 

You father the orphan

Your kindness makes us whole

You shoulder our weakness 

And Your strength becomes our own 

You’re making me like you 

Clothing me in white 

Bringing beauty from ashes 

For you will have your bride 

5/27/16

Father God, I just don’t want to be bothered by anyone right now. It seems that I’m so over the day when it hasn’t even started. What is the truth behind these emotions? Father God I pray for wisdom and clarity. I pray to be open for what it is you have to tell me Abba. Father God, I pray for your showering me of the truth and for your peace. I pray that whatever it is that you are trying to tell me God, I pray and give it to you. Father God, continue to work in my heart, mind, and soul. Work in me God. Walk with me God with these emotions. 

These growing feelings are doing a lot in me God. I am so uncomfortable, and just an emotional wreck. I hate that I do not have the products for my body or hair. I rather take a windy day with a serious breeze over heat. I am not the easiest person, to talk to and that bothers me. Yeah, I’ve grown a lot, but I don’t see that it’s enough for others to mentor me like they do with Regina Ann.* I feel inadequate at times. I feel so slow and easily triggered by things. I know that feelings can be deceitful, but at the moment it’s not registering as such. 

God I just need you. The comparison that I have, which kills my joy is something that I am surrendering to you. I want to have your scriptures ingrained in my heart, and it bothers me, that I don’t know enough scriptures by heart. I just want to grow more in your word God. I’m not doing enough it feels, because if I was I would not still be battling with comparison and pride. I’m prideful that I’m always hungry, and can be so greedy. I feel so needy. This is such a hard season. I don’t like it God, and it feels dragged out. I call on you Lord to just tell me what to do. I call on you to grow more in your word, and have an intimate relationship with you. It’s been crazy this week the buildup of how I am now feeling. I sometimes feel that there’s something wrong with me, that I do not try to bargain with you. I just say yes to whatever it is you tell me to do. My absurd obedience Lord, seems like I’m just doing it wrong because I’m so obedient. It makes me think that no one wants to see me succeed, or root for me because of the horrible qualities I have displayed in the past. It makes me think that there will be some resistance, when people see what’s the next glory you take me to. They will create such manifestation of lies, and deceit that I am getting such anxious about it. These are my emotions that just spiral and it’s hard not leaning on them, when your word says to lean on you not how we feel. 

God, I know that I can be that ratchet girl from Brooklyn at times. I’m asking that you change who I am, if it’s your will, because I truly feel when this next season comes. So I’m asking you to change me to be the way the alternative choices appear, to be since that is the way that many what is accepted. That’s how it feels. It feels like I do not fit a mold. It feels like I will never be accepted. 

God, this season is doing a lot to me, but I choose to be obedient. I choose to abide in you. You are greater.

Ever Be sung by Kalley Heiligenthal off of the Bethel Music, We will not be shaken album has been one of the songs off the album that has been on repeat for me. Ever Be is where I choose to be with God, singing his praises and being in constant worship with him. As I grow in you God…..

Your praise will ever be on my lips, 

Ever be on my lips 

Your praise will ever be on my lips,

Ever be on my lips 

Happy reading! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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