It feeling like this summer is going to be the stepping stone of the blessings that are coming God.
I don’t want to stress out about my future any longer Abba. I surrender these fears and emotions on to you. I trust you first and foremost God, over the lies that are swimming within me.
Fix these ways in me Lord, it seems that there’s things that I do to bother Regina Ann.* I’m not understanding her, or being there enough for her. God fix these ways in me. Fix them and repair the holes in our sisterhood. Father God, I hate when I upset her, to the point that she has to close her mouth from me, or stops talking. Father God it’s our 2 year anniversary from being baptize. God why is it that today of all days I can’t get things right. Father God, fix in me all the things that causes her, and others to quickly turn away from me, and just do not want to communicate with me anymore. Father God, fix in me these habits. I surrender them to you. It’s very hard to sit at this table, and there’s nothing but silence between us. I am the root of these problems. I am the root of the disturbances in our sisterhood, so please God just work in me. I say yes to being a better person, and being there for her more. Father God, I am always messing up because I do not discern enough. I pray for more discernment God. I pray for more leaning on you.
Sometimes father God, I get these feelings like I’m not rooted enough in you. Like I’m not really chasing you, and I’m making nothing but poor choices everyday. The way that I easily can cause Regina Ann* to be upset is proof. That’s probably why people from my past, never truly wanted to hang with me because I was the problem, the girl who didn’t know how to discern, or be there. Look where that has landed me, at a table full of silence. She just shut down.
I choose to retain God what is being told to me. I no longer have the urgency to love my sisters and brothers sacrificially like Jesus. This is an area that I have been failing in. Regina Ann is no longer seconds away from killing herself, so my urgency isn’t there. This is an area that I am very weak in, and I truly need you. I need you so much God to open my heart, and have me love your people like Jesus loves us, all the time not just urgent times. God why haven’t I been able to surrender this side in me? Why have I allowed myself to land here. Show me how to proceed God. Show me how to love like three years ago. I don’t know how to love, and that’s a problem. I’m not fully anchored to you God is the caused why. I am not doing enough that’s why there’s nothing but fear, and anxieties that have come over me, and I pray, and call out to you but that isn’t enough. I’m not doing enough. That’s why I’m here so selfish and self-centered. Isn’t that ironic God, that as I’m learning how to truly love myself and see you as you see me, that I’m selfish and self-centered.
Hey God, I am deciding to surrender my fears on to you. Fear isn’t of you, and it distances me from you. The distance leads to me feeding things that are untrue and not of your character. I have such a fear that overcomes me when someone speaks to me in anger. I cannot respond to anger God. I actually draw a mental blank, and begin to stare at the person, so when I hear, or see someone angry or walk away from me. I then become very hurt, and I just shutdown. It’s something that I’ve never admitted until now God.
I was ashamed of being this way because I thought that it has me looking weak, or stupid. I was unable to communicate this to anyone until Regina Ann, and she made me sit down and complete this blog. It was very hard to express this to anyone, and when in an argument, there was always the question asked “well are you going to say anything, or tell me that I have to speak up.
Father God, I come to you with all these emotions, just asking for more of you in the areas of my weaknesses. God I’m so weak in many areas, but you said that there is strength in my weakness, so God I turn these frustrations over on to you. I come to you Father just really wanting to go to you more and more. I no longer want to make any decisions on my own, or lead on my own accord. That was not the purpose of me saying that I follow you. So Lord, I come to you with full surrender and to trust you. I’m ready to accept that I’m full of the life and passion you created. I am leaping of moving forward to let it happen. Moving forward towards new beginnings, towards boldness and making steps towards you daily chasing even faster. Father God, I seek you with the eagerness to serve you more and more, but to truly understand that you are with me. When I was young.
So take me back, back to the beginning
When I was young
Running through the fields with you
Let it happen by United Pursuit sings this melody off of their Simple Gospel album, to just be a light and a vessel for God. Let it happen meaning to trust God. Letting go all of our worries and fears and be a light.
And he whispers to your heart, to let it go and be a light,
Be a light
Be a light
Be a light
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Happy reading! Happy listening!! Xoxo
(*denotes name change due to privacy reasons)