“The Lord is my life and salvation

Whom shall I fear 

Whom shall I be afraid”

6/25/16

These tears that I cry God they are out of frustration. I am so frustrated at this moment. So consume with fear. I am choosing to praise you through these feelings, but it’s hard to discern what to hear. What are you telling me to do God? For days you have been telling me to post the same thing over and over Psalm 131. I feel like I’ve misheard you God. I feel like I’ve gone crazy and you’re not telling me to do anything. God can I just have your truth. I pray for discernment and clarity God. I pray for your truths. I pray for awareness in you God. I just pray God on what to pray for. What is it that you want me to ask you. I repent for not coming to you with constant thanksgiving and praise. It seems that I do not praise you enough. 

I come to you with petitions and requests. I am not asking the right questions, aren’t I God? I come to you God, with just pleading on what to do. On how to come to you. On how to pray and cry out to you. These feelings that I have Lord, I come to you in seeking what to do. Is this even the right question to ask? 

When I come to you God you tell me that my ribcage loves me. What does that really do to my current reality? He’s not here. What is here is me struggling in finance, and what feels like stagnancy. I need to start studying for the GREs you tell me to wait on others. Why? When they are going to do well and excel, and I’m the one who sometimes have a hard time understanding everything. 

God you know how I feel. You know what I am going through, but it feels like you are putting me through misery. You want me to be still and wait, while I see others are progressing ahead. You tell me to look up but I still have trouble from not looking to my right and my left. Do you understand how I feel God? In your word it says that you do, but do you understand how I feel? I feel behind, like everyone has figured it all out and I still have not. 

As I listen to “Praise the Lord” by Kristene Dimarco, and  tears have been coming down my face, and I’ve been just in constant rage with these emotions. I need you God and every time I need you, it’s feels like you leave me for worst. So God I just come to you on what to do? You tell me to trust you, in what way God? What am I not doing enough? What am I not aiming for? God I need to show you. I come to you on what to do. 

I’ve been leaning on my own understanding and thinking I know what to do. But I don’t want to do that anymore God, what do I do? How do I surrender this ugly known? Where am I suppose to be? I’m tired of waiting on others when it feels like, no one waits for me. No one understand these feelings of feeling like I’m less than or behind. I don’t know the latest hook ups or what’s in. I just know you God, and I live in a society where that’s not enough. 

I was judged for saying “oh my God” when I was young. Now that i truly know you, it seems that that’s not enough. It seems that no one wants to be around that. I just want to know something God. I just want to not feel behind, or below the curve. There’s a hold in my heart that I have for being ahead. I know it’s not of you, so what do I do? I come to you surrendering, will that do something? I’ve come to you surrendering many times and too many times I feel like I’m just saying the words. I want drastic changes God. I want the mountains to move. What am I not doing God? Not trusting in you in what way? What am I to do God? 

Father God, I come to you just seeking peace and answers. I have so much fears. I had a dream that was because of my fears. Father God why am I so fearful? I go to scripture to mediate and recite your verses. I go to you God, don’t know what else I am missing? Why’s this paralyzing fear still here, then? 

I thank you God for the ability to call up my prayer partner and have someone to discuss my frustrations with. It’s been a very emotional day for me. I thank you God for her prayers. I thank you God for that moment when you said to call her. I thank you for being here. I thank you God for her listening ear. Father God, as I call out to you Lord I seek you. I seek your face daily and choose obedience, even though there are days when you tell me to wait, I want to just go ahead instead, but I choose life not death like Psalm 27:2 states “though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear”

“I will trust in you 

I will trust in you

I will wait on you 

I will wait on you 

I will remain confident in this 

I will see the goodness of the Lord”

6/26/16

Father God, these anxieties that are in my heart are not of you. I don’t like how every time I try to reach out to Regina Ann* her phone is going straight to voicemail. Father God it seems as if this new friendship has blossomed in her life she does not see how she has treated me. I’m on a text and go basis. She is never able to call me back. She sends me snippet of what’s going on with her. Father God, you have her. She doesn’t understand its seems that she begins to change when someone new enters her life. I feel very removed and detached from her. 

She doesn’t even know that I’ve been finding myself crying in the bathrooms. Maybe it’s the new season and there are changes in every season. But she doesn’t see how easily she can get sucked in someone’s life and then be quick to do what feels like is discard me. God she can have these new friendships. They can be the one who can help her, I truly believe that purpose was to bring her to Christ and everyone else is there for her. Father God, it’s funny how I didn’t even get a birthday gathering with friends, but everyone else did. It seems that I’m the problem; therefore, you can replace me God. 

She will now have the friends who will be there for her and understand what she is going through, since I’ve gotten constant repeated that “I do not understand what she is going through”. God you are obviously placing her with people who can take her higher. And people who get her. Father God you have her. I no longer have to hear wait for her to study or do anything. She will easily find the friends who can be there for her. I’m done trying to understand since I repeatedly get told that I don’t. She doesn’t see it, then it’s just me. Father God, you have this. 

I hate these feelings that I have father God, can you please take them away already. Please remove them from my life. What is it that I’m not asking or doing? Father God I go to you seeking you about these turbulent emotions. They are very unsettling. Remove them God please, remove them.  

I’m tired of being alone when everyone else has someone to comfort them Lord. I’m tired of how I put too much faith in man, and not enough faith in you. I see God how distorted my views are. You’re the only that I can trust. You’re the only one that I can rely on, I can’t put my trust in anyone else but you. 

It feels like my obedience God leads to nowhere. I’m still the one battling the validation I seek in Regina Ann* and putting her (man) on pedestals. I’m the one who is being obedient but what does that lead to God? I’m still the one who is by herself while everyone else develops a closeness with others. I’m the one who has the issues it seems. 

So create the shift that Regina Ann was talking about. Free her from my barren fruits and need to be validated by her, she does not have these issues, whatever she is going through people want to celebrate her. It’s time that I see my truths and issues, and surrender them on to you. Heal my heart Lord, fix what is broken, and mend me. Please push me to surrender this validation I seek from her but more importantly the desire I have for her to be validated by me. When Regina Ann called me out on that truth I could only admit she was right. She chases God and fights to be spirit lead so she’ll never have this issue of wanting validation from man.

You can beam me up now God since I have been replacing you with others in my heart. The space that was only meant for you, I failed to see how I allowed man to take that place because that was my focus. I was so caught up to my left and right. I was so caught up in everything but you, but you know this already God, you want me to admit it and be upfront about it. Father God, I come to you in just humility and shame for what I have done. I come surrendering this side of me. Surrendering the pedestals that I have place man on. I just come Lord, I just come to you with my heavy heart. 

Everlasting God is a song that is truly the epitome of trusting and waiting on God as you are in the midst of the pruning and shedding of your season. The song mediates on Psalm 27:1 and speaks on how with the Lord on our side “whom shall I fear…..whom shall I be afraid”. Why do we give in to fear when God himself states in his word that he is with us? That he is our light and salvation. Sometimes I believe that we allow fear to consume us because we are to caught up on how things look for us and not enough how to just trust God and allow him to lead. We have to surrender all of these things and just truly remain confident in the Lord. Truly just have him in total control over every single thing of our lives. This version sung by William Murphy III off his Demonstrate album is truly amazing. Truly pushes you to connect with the spirit and resonates with the core of why we are created to worship, and how amazingly free we are when we are in true worship with God. 

“We set our hope on You 

We set our hope on Your love

We set our hope on the One who is the everlasting God 

You are the everlasting God”

“We set our hope on You 

We set our hope on Your love 

We set our hope on the One who is the everlasting God 

You are the everlasting God”

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Love y’all!!!! xoxo 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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