Wyn's Playlist

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Let There Be Light  — July 30, 2016

Let There Be Light 

“When you speak 

Darkness has to bow 

Confusion has its final hour

When your speak

Mountains rise and fall

It’s tears down every wall around me”

7/26/16

I want to chop off all of my hair God. I feel like it was a mistake for me to get braids, all it did was left me broke. Ever since I got the braids, problems have arise for me either financially, physically, and just in other ways. I don’t like how my bank account, lately has been in the negative. I don’t like how my hair has started to knot itself . I don’t like anything about this season that I am in. Father God, I’m over this season. I’m over this wilderness. If I’m not about the burning bush, then I’m sorry. I’m not focusing on the right thing. I’m focusing on my horizontal. I saw it was a mistake for me to get the braids, because Regina Ann* has them as well. 

She usually gets complimented, because of her gray highlights, and I’m thinking this was a waste of money, because mine looks horrible, to me. I’m basing this off of not getting compliments. I just want to chop off my hair. I’m at the point where I’m not even wanting to wait for a sign from you, because it feels like you don’t understand. It feels like no one understands. It feels like no one understands how this triggers my constant battles, that I’ve been dealing with for years. Jesus this turmoil.

God you have this. You have this friendship. You have this sisterhood. I’m just over feeling like Wynee is doing this, or that because she’s following Regina Ann. That is what I feel. Yes, feelings can be misleading, but right now they feel as though they are not. Father God, you have this season. I’m so over it. 

Things feel like they are getting worse every day. So have your way God, with whatever you want to do. I just say yes, but I’m over it too, because it feels so misleading what I’m saying yes too. I have this mentality with you, where if I’m doing good then I should be rewarded, and blessed because of it. Like a good conditioned puppy. That’s pretty much the wrong way of thinking. This is what causes the strain in our relationship God. 

“When you speak 

You breathe upon the dust

You come alive in us 

When You speak 

You silence every fear

We feel Your Spirit here around us” 

I am wanting to show you that I’m doing good, therefore, I shouldn’t have to suffer. I shouldn’t have to do this is what I believe. It sucks being here, and writing this out. It sucks realizing that I feel this way, battling wanting attention. Battling wanting to get noticed. That’s why I am battling seeking attention from guys. I’m not satisfied in my relationship with you God, that’s what it comes down to. That’s what it is. 

I feel so jaded by things, and seeing how it seems that people are doing them. No one knows my frustration, or my trails. That’s why I want to leave the church. That’s why I want to stop serving. I feel like it serves no purpose. I get its about serving you, but am I even being fulfilled God? I feel so empty. Am I even supposed to be there still? I feel all over the place. I don’t want to be there anymore, take me away to somewhere else. I’m done with this season, and being here where I am. 

I’m so over living in New York. I’m just done being a teacher, before I even started. I’m done being a student. I’m done with this season. I’m so over it God, because it seems abiding in you, has left me as someone I don’t even recognize anymore. Maybe that’s what’s the battle: not recognizing the old me. Not seeing my former self. I’m over it God. She is dying. She is becoming smaller, and smaller. You are increasing, and now here comes the battle, of whether I continue to choose to magnify you, or crawl back into my flesh, and satisfy me. 

There’s the brutal honest moment that I needed to have with myself. Maybe that’s what I have been avoiding. That Wynee is dying. She will no longer be seen, but you God, will be seen through this new creation that sucks to me. The Wynee I know, is coming to an end. It’s the final days of her isn’t it? The revelations God, they be real. This burning bush is real. You’re parting seas.

God show me how to finally lean on you? I keep collapsing and falling. I need to make the mental switch to lean on you God. Where does that even begin? Because that is such a weak area of mine. God?

7/27/16

God, how do I become better, at constantly being there for my sisters? How do I get to the space of pushing, and fighting through the moments of not wanting to get involve?
“Now You’re everything we seek 

As deep cries out to deep

We will see God 

Here your glory on display

Jesus, take your place

We will see God”

7/29/16

This pain hurts Lord. Feeling so much anxieties, and frustration. Lord, I give them to you. Lord just want to exchange it, for your light and easy yoke. I need you continuously. I need you every single minute of the day. I no longer want to continue to serve, or worship at my church. I feel forced to attend, because of the facades. It’s very annoying. It’s very hurtful.

I’m the negative one. I’m the one who constantly feels like I’m getting the short end of the stick. God, I’ve been working out since April, and yet I’m the one who is slowly losing weight. I’m the one who really wanted to work out, because I saw how unhealthy I looked. I felt uncomfortable with myself, and yet I’m the slowest one to lose weight. At least that’s how it feels. But Regina Ann is a former athlete and I’m not. She has muscle memory and I don’t. Her journey will always be different than mine. I can’t compare, I shouldn’t. Comparison kills joys. 

There are moments God, where I am so over being obedient. I am so over with abiding, because all that it is doing for me is having me here. I feel so stifled. I feel so boxed, and caged in. I try to make moves, and you keep telling me to wait. 

“Let there be light 

Let there be light 

Upon it fills every space 

Come and have your way 

Let there be light 

Let there be light 

Just one word and I am changed

Come and have your way”

I’m posting about you, and how You keep your promises. That often doesn’t get discussed. How about the fact, that I feel that people just put up with me, because I’m Regina Ann’s friend. This is where I’m asking for distance. It becomes harder everyday to see. It becomes harder everyday to breathe. I have an issue with people. I battle thinking they’re stupid. I battle so much. I am constantly fighting to be in the spirit. But I’m so unhappy God. I fight reading the word so I can be in love, but all I feel is bitterness. I feel so empty. I feel the chaos that’s happening in the world. There’s so much going on inside. I don’t know what to say or do anything anymore. Just let me go to a mountain, so I can be in your presence. Nothing will satisfy me but you. 

I choose to sleep this all away because I don’t feel all of this piercing pain, that I can’t even express in words. I need an escape from this, because I believe I’m at peace. I’m not in pain, and I’m not crying. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of not making sense to those around me. I’m tired of fighting people. I’m tired of fighting you God. Sleep allows me to not be in turmoil. That’s why I choose sleep, not because I want to ignore you God. I just want to hear the melodies of your praises. I believe that I get your peace in sleep. When I fight to be in the spirit but I’m doing the wrong things. I finally feel clarity. I finally feel stillness. I only feel this sleeping.

I’m sorry God if choosing sleep wasn’t what I was supposed to do. I just wanted peace. I need peace so desperately. I was desperate in getting peace. I kept begging you, but there was just silence. There’s always a war I feel. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of my brokenness. I’m tired of my actions, and my fight to trust in you. It just feels like no one understands that I’ve been fighting to live since I was born. 

I was fighting to choose freedom. I’ve been silent God, because I never knew how to speak up, or express this internal war. No one knew the fight that I had, to choose you since before salvation. No one understands that I fight to see, and love myself because it’s so hard. I just want to give up. I don’t want earth anymore. This war is too much. It feels to much God, I’m so tired of hurt, of tears, of being shady, being mean, being distorted so much I’m just incapable of love. 

I’ve been sponging off of people for so long, because that was the only way I saw I was going to learn. I just don’t know. I need you to not be silent God. Please answer me God. I’m so tired. I don’t want anyone in my space, because I’m always showcasing the wrong first impressions. There’s so much brokenness. I have the wrong approach, or the wrong tone. God allow me to see your beauty, and not all the ugly I see. I see the ugly in me. God you have whoever is meant to be in my life, married or whatever. I’m over it. I just want to die, and be in heaven already. 

“When you speak 

You breathe upon the dusk

You come alive in us

When you speak

You silence every fear

We feel Your Spirit here around us”

Everyday feels like a constant struggle to live, and all I’m faced with is the same opposition. As a child I just wanted more. I developed a lazy habit, because I never thought the more would ever happen. I never stopped praying, just stopped living. I stopped dreaming, I don’t feel inspired. I don’t feel loved. I just don’t feel like I matter. I remember praying to you as a child, always seeking you to do the big things God. Is reading the word even doing anything? 

I became an alcoholic to sleep. Not because of drunkenness. It was fun and I liked some tastes, but I needed to sleep. I did what ever it was necessary to sleep. Sleeping was my peace. I’m funny because I’m cold. I’m funny because I don’t want to hold onto to this pain. I’m funny because I don’t want to walk through this pain. I’m funny because of all the wrong reasons. You’ve blessed me with this gift, and all I did was use it to my advantage. I don’t want this turmoil anymore. 

I just want this turmoil to end. God these tears are pointless. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I’m tired. I don’t want to live in this hurt anymore God. I can’t live in loops, and brokenness anymore. I can’t speak brokenness anymore. I cry on you to speak life. I say yes to be used. I need to be used by you. Tell me what I have to do? I will always say yes to you God. There is power in the name of Jesus. There is freedom in your name.

It’s not about my hair. Or a guy, or friends, or Regina Ann. This is about no longer waking up in this pain. Your peace needs to reign in my heart. I don’t want to have hurt anymore. My hurt was no ones fault. Take these yolks, take these bondages. I give them to you. I want to reign in your peace. 

I cry out for your children who have bondages like me, please Jesus. I intercede for them. This is hard waking up everyday with all these tear stained sadness. There’s so much more to you God. Not all your children are as blessed as me. You know every single child on this planet. Please God, no more of your children sleepwalking. Or feeling dead on the inside like me. No God, this pain God, please meet them, please love on them. Please switch these yolks. Please let them hide in your safe wings. Please God no more pain, please.

Let There Be Light by Bryan & Katie Torwalt is off of their recently released album titled Champion. This song describes how I spent the last hour just giving to God all that I have. I cried like a baby. Just trusting God, and walking through every fear. God you have us. You are fighting for us. You are with us. Amen. 

“Let there be light 

Let there be light 

Until it fills up every space 

Come and have your way 

Let there be life 

Let there be life

Just one word and I am changed

Come and have your way”


Happy reading! Happy listening ! Blessings! Xoxo
(*denotes about name change) 

Even When it Hurts  — July 25, 2016

Even When it Hurts 

“Even when the morning comes I’ll praise you 

Even when the fight is won 

I’ll praise you 

Even when my time on earth is done 

Louder then I’ll sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise”

7/21/16

Father God, you have me in this wilderness. It’s been real, these last several days for me. I just am so uncomfortable, and have to fight to choose growth, and say yes to what choosing growth entails. Father God, just walk me through this transition, when I am no longer choosing to remain, young-minded, but become and act like the godly woman, you created me to be. The proverbs 31 woman needed for my ribcage, and your kingdom. 

It’s time I’m responsible for what I say, and do. It’s time I’m accountable to how I handle, and react to things. This is a really weak area: handling feedback at where I am. I strongly dislike receiving feedback for where I am, and for how things look in my walk. Father God, be with me. I have to start trusting more, and more that you are with me, and you’re right there. It’s so hard, because all I remember is the pains I’ve buried so deeply as a child. 

My lack of trust in you, messes up with how I receive what you tell me. It’s creates doubt, which leads to mixed signals. Lord, I’ve been doing a lot of doubting lately. I took faith and made it tangible. I took your wine, and started mixing it down like kool-aid. It’s easy to be drawn to the facades of kool-aid. It looks good to me, and whoever else struggles with this like me. You’re not alone. I’m God’s living testament, and you can be too. Just take His hand. I wanted things in my life to look a certain way. That spilled to me, wanting to have a certain way our relationship looked God. I’m sorry and I repent. 

I thought I was doing what was biblically sound to being in your presence, but not even realizing that I was leaning on my own understanding. I was not seeking you on how to come to you. Father God, I seek you now. I come to you in what I have to do on this walk. I thought I was good, and I thought that I had all the answers, but obviously that didn’t work. Because you’re God, not me. 

“Take this fainted heart

Take these tainted hands

Wash me in your love

Come like grace again”

7/25/16

It’s been a while since I have written to you father God, and have expressed what’s been going on with me. I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been in this wilderness of a season for a while now, and there are days that are tougher than others. But that is what messes me up sometimes: those tough days. I am like I’m over this walk, and being a sister, and being there for others. It’s really hard, the constant feedback, that I get. Grad school is so real. I feel like I don’t know anything, and that I’ve allowed myself to suffer instead of doing what I wanted. 

I’ve been very ungrateful Abba, I’ve been so ungrateful that you saved me. I have been wanting what you have protected me from, thinking that the decisions towards protecting my purity were wrong decisions. 

I recall the night that I made the decision to protect my virginity God, and for some reason today it feels like I’m haunted by it. I know this is an attack from the enemy, but it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. I feel stupid for never having sex. I feel like there’s a bright spotlight on me and everyone is laughing at me. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve pushed myself more to just get sex out the way too. 

I feel like I should’ve went to D’s* house, and allowed for whatever to happen happen. That’s how ungrateful I am God. I’m not allowing myself to understand what a precious gift, I have because of the loops that I have allowed to play in my mind. My intense conversation with Regina Ann* snapped me out of the spiral path of destruction I was headed towards. 

“Take this mountain weight 

Take these ocean tears 

Hold me through the trail 

Come like hope again”

Doing the direct sales business for duration that I did, exposed me to a lot. It made me want to fight for what I taught I was entitled to. I became so focused, and driven by money which is something that I have been wrestling with you on God. It’s still a struggle today. 

D, was that guy that was going to hit and quit it. I saw that, and ignored it. I just wanted what he was going to bring me, which I taught was a good time, plus I’m sick of seeing so many people around me, doing them and getting away with being happy out of your will God. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m losing my mind. 

I was ignoring the signs, that he was no good. I really liked him. In my brokenness he made sense. I was just tired of my pain. I was tired of feeling so alone. I really was developing some form of broken feelings for him. I saw that he was trying to make moves, with other girls, but I ignored it because I wanted to feed my desires, and my broken needs. God you blocked anything from happening to us. 

I remember that night, when it was after the company’s weekly hang out, and he put on his Chapstick to kiss me. That’s when you God showed me, what would happen if I decided to go down that dangerous route. I saw that I would be spending the night with him. I saw that I would find myself at my parents house at the crack of dawn. I saw that I would’ve lost my precious gift that’s meant for my ribcage to this guy that’s now a fleeting memory. 

“Lord my hearts burns only for you

You are all, you are all I want 

And my soul waits only for you 

And I will sing till the miracle comes”

I choose to not do that. I look back at that moment, and felt that I made a dumb decision, because I was able to not fall into the fleshly traps. So many others have fallen into this trap you blocked me from. Like Regina Ann* she’s always telling me how blessed I am to have my virginity as a gift for my ribcage. Sometimes I struggle with understanding why it’s so precious. I’m glad I have her to remind me how highly favored I am. I will choose to only sing your praise. 

I have often have remorse, or survivor’s guilt towards saying no to guys, and standing firm in not giving up my purity. It crazy how the enemy plays tricks with your mind, getting me to believe that I wasn’t smart in my decision making. I sound ungrateful in what you God have protected me from. My heart truly only beats for you. 

Last night, I went on a rant God. I truly snapped, and just was upset at you, the world, everyone. I was upset about my season thus far in this wilderness, and wanted to just have things look different. I harbored ungratefulness, and entitled attitudes towards others. I saw that everything, I had was less than because it wasn’t meeting my standards of what I wanted. Thank you for my reality check God, and thank you for using Regina Ann*

Regina Ann and I have been wanting to move out, and that has been pushed back. Wanting to be at a certain standard at grad school, and that not happening. Falsely believing that everyone around me is a whack, and just wanting to give them a piece of my mind. 

“Even when my strength is lost 

I’ll praise you 

Even when I have no song 

I’ll praise you 

Even when it’s hard to find the words

Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise”

It was really just Regina Ann* calling me out, on my nonsense and me making rebuttals for everything. At the moment I felt that I was saved prematurely, because I didn’t get to experience the things I should have before I got saved. I was so focus on the wrong things, and Regina Ann explained that to me several different ways. I would look at her, and have a rebuttal. I didn’t want to hear the wisdom, that she was giving me. We both would’ve been amazing lawyers just running things. But you keep blocking us from executing our go getting spirit to make things happen. You called us to teaching not being lawyers, we’d have more money right now, She’s more accepting of this than I am. I think it’s whack. 

Lately God, things have been so hard, and just truly challenging. It has been hard to praise you through the storm, and just to hold on to your promises. But I’ll praise you in this mountain. What you keep showing both of us looks and feels impossible. But only through you all is possible. None of this makes sense. Your ways are Higher though. This stillness is so real and so hard. I’m miserable. I used to make fun of Regina Ann* about how much of a brat she is. But it’s humbling to see I’m just as much of a brat as she is.

Truly what it is I think that you’re going to play me God, and continue to humble me in a big way. But that’s not the God you are. This internal turmoil is so real. God I need you to make things clear, but it comes down that I am so restless on waiting for your promises to come through. I’m impatient and so restless. Regina Ann keeps reminding me that those qualities are not of you. God I just need your truths. You keep showing me the same thing. As you tell me that I have it. I doubt that I do because of how everything looks. All you’re doing is shedding my tangibility, and my cling to my flesh. 

It’s easier to doubt you God then to hold on, and maintain faith; because then it will lead me to not get hurt if it doesn’t come through. I don’t like being hurt. Pain sucks so much. It is also easier to doubt you, because then it feeds the I have to protect myself. I believe God that only Wynee can protect and cover herself. No one else can because they are not for me, that was where my head was at for so long, Lacking trust in you, because of how everything that has turned out so far. Not just with me, but with Regina Ann too. I am keeping a record of what seemed as wrongs to me. And making notes of what is being done, who’s getting away with what, it all just frustrates me. But love keeps no records of wrongs.

“Even when the fight seems lost

I’ll praise you 

Even when it hurts like hell

I’ll praise you 

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I’ll sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise

I will only sing your praise”

Father God my lack of trust in you, and who you are created a strain in our relationship. This caused me to lean on my own understanding. As a defense mechanism. Father God, there was a battle in trusting you, and not feeding my flesh. I would come to you, and surrender to the spirit, but last night once and for all I had to stop feeding the mindsets that created the loops of my past. I had and giving the enemy a foothold in my life. The thing with last night, was a much needed release of my cries, and outpours. 

I need you God, and I realized how much I truly do trust your promises. Take my tainted hands. Wash me in your love for its endless. It stretches beyond the east to the west. It’s bigger than the stars in the sky. I trust in who God is calling me to be in His kingdom. I am now unafraid, that I naturally do stand out, and I was never created to blend in. 

This morning being on the phone with Regina Ann, showed me how much I need to get better at receiving feedback, and criticism, especially from others. I truly battle in this area, such a weakness of mine father God. I pray that you hold me to be more receptive, and accountable in this area Lord. 

I pray that Lord, that I see that feedback, and constructive talk is to only make me better for you. It is not designed to put me down. I am so used to being put down, that that’s what I took constructive feedback as. It triggers the teachers that made fun of me because English was my second language after I came back from visiting Haiti, I forgot English. That’s why I fought becoming a teacher, no teacher believed in me, no teacher invested in me. All that my teachers did when I was a child was break me. And that conditioned me to believe that I had to break people too. Because my child mind conceptualized that’s the expression of love. 

I am now realizing that it’s someone pouring into me to make me better. Before my sisterhood with Regina Ann, I never had anyone ask me how do I feel. She’s always asking me and pushing me to express myself. And the self sabotage stubborn daughter I am, goes in a routine to just push her away. But I’m glad she sees right through that, no matter what. That has to be you God. 

Father God, as I continue to say yes to being your servant, I choose to trust in where you lead me. I will follow. I love you God. Amen 

1 Kings 8:56 “Not one word has failed of all the promises He gave.” Thank you God for everything. My heart is becoming fuller in gratitude. 

 Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) Live from Hillsong United’s Dirt and Grace album is truly reminding me how much I need to be patient and be still; through learning that I will sing His praises and worship the Lord. No matter what.

“And my heart burns only for you 

You are all, you are all I want 

And my soul waits only for you

And I will sing till the morning has come 

Lord my heart burns only for you 

You are all, you are all I want 

And my soul waits only for you

And I will sing till the miracles come 

I will only sing your praise

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise”

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Prince of Peace  — July 11, 2016

Prince of Peace 

“Oh, be still my heart My soul will ever know that you are God 

Oh, be still my heart 

My soul will ever know that you are God”

I had a weird dream last night. I was so tired last night, that I past out when I was on the phone in the middle of praying with Regina Ann*. The dream started with Regina Ann and I in our workout clothes, and it’s dark at night in some areas that we were in. I saw somewhere in the dream that it was 3 am, ironically Regina Ann woke up (in real life) at the same time to study Proverbs 11. I believe it was on my watch that I was wearing in the dream. We were walking around looking for a place to eat. 

“Tearing through the night 

Riding on the storm 

Staring down the fight 

My eyes found yours

Shining like the sun 

Striding through my fears

The Prince of Peace met me there

You heard my prayer”

On the map that was in my hand, there was a diner that we could go to, and in the dream I was able to see straight ahead, was the diner, but there were no lights on the property, and I didn’t register that as being off at the time. We started walking again towards the diner to get something to eat, but as we were walk around it was feeling like we were going in circles. It felt like a circle, repetitive but it wasn’t godly. It was abrupt and chaotic. We then saw from our walking, two pastry shops. I realized that I spelled shop the British way, which to me indicates Regina Ann, and I were in Great Britain. The diner wasn’t open or willing to serve us. We moved on to a Donut shop. At first when looking around, the items they had were all pretty huge. This represented the sin of gluttony. 

Regina Ann and I just kept walking around the store, and often times the original place where we would find the items wouldn’t be there when we circled around again. A chaotic theme. And chaos is not of God. God is a God of order. 1 Corinthians 14. I was having a hard time picking out what I wanted. I was also receiving impatience from Regina Ann, about making a decision on what to get in the dream. I finally picked on a ruguleah that Reginna Ann had also suggested in the dream, and it would not stop coming to me, that this is what I had to pick. Oddly enough, Regina Ann knew what a ruguleah was in the dream, but she has no idea what it is in real life. When we talked about this dream this morning, before praying, she didn’t know what it was. It was a foreign name to her. 

It was a really huge rugulah, and there was like a brown looking filling overflowing it. I don’t know what it was, but I picked it, along with bread. Bread is a weakness for me. I love bread. It was like I was doing the most with this gluttony. Regina Ann purchased her pastry item first. Regina Ann did everything in the dream first. She brought a sugary bagel with a pretzel as well. In real life, Regina Ann doesn’t really like sweets, she’s more of a salt person. 

“Oh, be still my heart 

Oh, That You are God 

I’ll fear no evil 

For I know You are here 

And my soul will know”

I was still making my final decision on what bread to get. Because I wanted all of them. I wanted to pick all of them. By the time I got to the cash register, the lady on the register was a former co-worker of mine. She was giving me some pushback, on how I was paying her with cash, and change. When I relayed this part of the dream to Regina Ann, she immediately got ungodly. The former co-worker took most of my pennies, that I have been actually saving up in reality, and in the dream. I took the pennies back, and gave her the other change that I had. 

When I was done paying the lady, I recalled that Regina Ann and the owner of the store, (who was a much older white man walked out the door,) walked together. Regina Ann’s hands were in her pocket the entire time. Regina Ann’s coat was black and belted. And she was facing the white male, having small talk. My coat was green. The weather changed from summer to fall, but more like an early winter, right when Regina Ann walked out with the older white man. The coats appeared on us instantly. Which changed from the summer workout clothes that we had on earlier. 

We received a ride. It’s unclear if the same white man, Regina Ann was talking to or not gave us the ride. But the dream switched to us getting that ride. I saw that Regina Ann in the front seat of a black minivan car, and I was beginning to get upset that she was sitting in the front seat, and I wasn’t. My {comparison and envy struggle with her,} but I got over myself quickly, because I realized that she was able to catch us a ride. 

I walked over to the driver side of the backseat of the car, and began to pull the door open so that I could get inside, and the car was also driving out from the curb. That’s when I quickly hopped inside the car, while it was in motion, Regina Ann faced me, and as the owner was driving away, she was giving me three winks from her left eye, which represented confusion, chaos, and division, which is where exactly the world is now. 
“Tearing through the night 

Riding on the storm 

Staring down the fight 

My eyes found yours

Shining like the sun 

Striding through my fears

The Prince of Peace met me there

You heard my prayer”

That’s when I woke up and began to ask God what was up with the dream? I prayed over the dream, with Regina Ann, and separately on my own. I also discussed this dream, with Regina Ann after we prayed, and she said that it was not of God. I agree with her. God lead me to Matthew 12 to mediate and pray over. God told me this dream represents my fears and doubts that I struggle with. As well as the bondages that He’s freeing me from.

I began to pray for the people of the world. God put it in my heart to pray for the chaos, pain and confusion that so many of His people are feeling. Even in our storms, and unbearable pain, we will always find peace when God is sought after no matter what. When God is the main focus, you will learn and see His hidden treasures. Because He will always be our Prince of Peace. Jesus is the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow. Hebrews 13:8

Prince of Peace by Hillsong United represents what Jesus: Prince of Peace, and how no matter what we are going through He is with us. He walks us through the war and storms. The constant reminder, that the battle isn’t for us, it’s for God. It’s for us to always be reminded, that no matter what we are going through God will be there. He will cover us, in any way that we need it. He will be there, because He is the Prince of Peace. 

“Your love surrounds me

When my thoughts wage war

When my night screams terror 

There, Your voice will roar 

Come death or shadow

God I know Your light will meet me there

When fear comes knocking 

There You’ll be my Guard

When day breeds trouble 

There You’ll hold my heart 

Come storm or battle 

God I know Your peace will meet me there”



“Oh, be still my heart 

Oh, that You are God

I’ll fear no evil 

For I know You are here

And my soul will know 

And You heard my prayer”

Happy Reading!! Happy Listening!! Blessings!!

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Draw Near — July 2, 2016

Draw Near

Draw near to us o' God 

As we draw near 

As we come close to your heart 



You're our deepest hearts desire 

Come and meet us in where we are 

Find here that which you are drawn to 

A broken and contrite heart 

With hearts wide open 

We sing our song to to you

With expectation, we ask in faith

6/30/16

Father God, I need your truth. I am making the transitioning to natural hair, and I need you to show me what to do. I am here in this salon getting my twists done, and I feel bothered by the owner approaching me to tell me that she only takes cash. What was her purpose? It bothered me God, and from there, with Regina Ann* talking about it wasn't the original length I wanted to do the twists. 

But I seeked you God. If I am wrong God then I repent, and I bind up my lies in my heart. I want you in my heart Lord and the people you want in my heart. Lord, it seems as if the jealousy that I have buried within me, I haven't given to you, and I project it out on Regina Ann. I can't do that any longer. 

Lord I pray that you bind up the dysfunction that I bring in our sisterhood. It's unhealthy for our dynamic, and for my walk. Father God, it feels like I'm always doing the wrong thing. I choose to bind what's not of you. Father God, how I need need you. I need you Holy Spirit. I need what's life and not death. 

What is up with this constant tiredness and sleep God? I could just all of a sudden close my eyes, and find myself in a quick nap. God I need you, I see day after day a new fight, or battle that I find myself in. Lord, I come open to you, and just seeking you to work in my heart. Make room father God, clear out all things that are not of you. 

I easily condemn myself God, because I truly am choosing to go to you for everything. I strive and fight to seek you in every area of my life. I come to you God binding this spirit of fear and of condemnation. I come to you just battling so much frazzle emotions. Father God, I come to you apologizing. I don't need to get defensive when Regina Ann questions me, seeking to make sure that I am abiding in you. I have this horrible habit of getting defensive, and tense up when someone, like Regina Ann, is checking my motives over something, instead of seeing it as godly accountability, I internalize as I'm getting attack. I see accountability as the person understand what I'm going through. 

The enemy uses my past to keep me in a loop. But the real truth is I've allowed the enemy to keep me in this loop, because it's so hard for me to not lean on my own understanding. It's what I know. It's who I am to me. I believe in the only one that has my back. I believe in the only one that has my best interest at heart. I only truly trust myself. That's why I have so many disputes with Regina Ann and why I have so much push back with others, or in situations involving circumstances, not necessarily people. 

In the past I just had to constantly figures things out, because it felt like no one helped me. I constantly go to this mentality, of 'you want to look good, but you don't want that for me.' So I took what's mine. I went after what was for me so I'm not forgotten. That's why jealousy is my go to. That's why I compare so much. I need to bind that up now. I bind up these negative feelings that are not of you God. I rebuke them because they just create room for me to feed, and let satan in my space.  

Father God, I come to you in seeking how to remove these unhealthy emotions, because they are barren fruits. They do not produce any fruits of the fruitful Holy Spirit. I come to you because I wholeheartedly want these negative ways, and emotions out of me. It's not okay that I am easily defensive, and argumentative ready. That is not helpful for anyone. Father God, I come to you because I really need you to move your spirit in me, and remove all these horrible traits from me. 

Father God, I come to you just releasing, trusting, and shedding, removing the spirit of jealousy that I have been constantly battling with. Father God, I become so easily tripped up, because in my core I'm not enough. So therefore, since I don't see that I'm enough, I will not know what is enough for me. What is good for me. What someone has, I will think that I need to have that too. I would think that I need to get what they have because it means they know better than I do. In turn I don't put my trust in you God. I am so sorry God. 

The true battle is me having a hard time trusting that you do have the best for me. Because I battle all of this, I began to be secretive about my intentions on things. Not being upfront with anyone around me, because I would think they will either try to stop me from doing what I want to do, or they do something and it would look better on them than it does with me. 

I consistently have been doing this with my friendship with Regina Ann. I consistently feed this secretive spirit because it's easier, and to me it's safer than letting someone know what's going with me. I don't know why I allow myself to believe these lies God. I have very little to no trust in you God. Its so obvious in how I go about things. 

I allow for whackness to enter my space and just corrupt my mind, because I truly believed that this way was better. It's an easier truth to me. I have a hard time believing that you are there for me, because of the loop that I have allowed to replay in my mind. I can't do this anymore. The secrecy and jealousy. The bitterness and contemptment. 

Father God, I need your healing with my body. I am constantly having to deal with pain on the heel and sole of my left foot. When I get up from the bus or any seat. I constantly am walking like I need a cane, for the first for few minutes of walking then I'm back to normal. I come to you God just needing you to put your hand on the sole and heel of my left foot. I also needing healing for my right knee, it's from a previous injury that has been acting up lately. I need your healing for my whole body actually. Just please release me from these pains Lord God.

Father God, I need you. I really relied on the relaxed hair to be what was my clutch for me to look pretty. That's not true, I'm you're beautiful creation. I have to accept what's happening. I don't want to be disobedient, and I trust God's plan in what's happening. This is a transition for me to break the bondages that I used relaxed hair for. Father God, how I need you to shed these insecure feelings in me. In my core, I'm just not happy with myself. I'm just not. I see what others have, and feel that I will be complete with that instead of turning to you. 

Father God, I come to you because you are my first dad. I need to be upfront with you so that you can clear out and work in my heart. There's a lot of things going on with me. I just want my heart to be fully aligned and beat for you. I want to be secure in you God and I'm not. That's the truth I'm not. I have such a hard time being content with who I am.  

It's all connected to the fact that I'm not fully in you God. I'm not wholeheartedly there. I've kept you at a distance. How would I see my worth when I barely see or run to you? I'm starting to think that writing out these blogs do nothing for me. I'm just repeating and writing about the same issues that I've been dealing with over and over. Has there been any progress or growth? Or am I still battling the same things as last year. I'm so over it. I try to chase after you and every time a situation arises when I'm out, I fail to lean on you and trust myself. I'm doing the wrong thing constantly. Am I even surrendering or just sound like I am because that's the cue to do it? I really have to ask and state these things, because I'm just wanting the mental switch to happen, when I'm able to love myself and know that my worth is in you. 

Do you know how bothered and embarrass I feel God to know that the middle section of my hair is so broken from the perm? Father God, how did this happen? For so long I struggle to work, and manage my hair to be healthy, that was so discouraging to know that it didn't stay that way for long. 

This transitioning will it also work? I just need a transition all over. I'm so in need of a change, a mental breakthrough, a switch to see things how you see things.  

It sure feels like I'm doing this walk for show, because of how much I fight you. It feels like I live a facade of being saved. I don't know what to do anymore. I turn to you and you seek you, but I still find myself landing right back where I started.

As I get out this rant God, I still fight, and make the push to leap to greater faith. I make the push to go higher, and remain flying in the air. I come to you God, saying that no matter what attacks come my way or what riffs Regina Ann and I get, I will still run to you. My jealously in others like my sisters is because of my lack of trust and faith in you, that I have taken out on them. Their walk seems smoother, or prettier, or something like that in my head. I come to you Lord, binding that jealous and cowardly spirit. It's not of you. I come binding any spirit that is not of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Father, I desperately need you. I just want your rest and peace from all of this. Amen. 

Draw Near by Onething Live and Jaye Thomas is the current song I'm listening to about remain fighting; and just trusting, and abiding in God. The song speaks about how we must draw closer to God, even more when we are in storms, and trails in our lives, especially in these moments. These moments that feel the hardest and most impossible. I've learn that as we draw closer to God, then we are to reveal all the things that are truly damaging, to our walk so that He can remove them from us. As we choose you God, we then get to see all that has been remained buried deep within our hearts; and that is where God meets us. We make room for Him to work.

We came here to meet with you

We won't leave until we do


We came her to meet with you 

We won't leave until we do


We climb this mountain

To pull back this mountain 

We're desperately crying 

Show us your glory 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!!! Blessings!! 

Xoxox

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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