Draw near to us o' God
As we draw near
As we come close to your heart
You're our deepest hearts desire
Come and meet us in where we are
Find here that which you are drawn to
A broken and contrite heart
With hearts wide open
We sing our song to to you
With expectation, we ask in faith
Father God, I need your truth. I am making the transitioning to natural hair, and I need you to show me what to do. I am here in this salon getting my twists done, and I feel bothered by the owner approaching me to tell me that she only takes cash. What was her purpose? It bothered me God, and from there, with Regina Ann* talking about it wasn't the original length I wanted to do the twists.
But I seeked you God. If I am wrong God then I repent, and I bind up my lies in my heart. I want you in my heart Lord and the people you want in my heart. Lord, it seems as if the jealousy that I have buried within me, I haven't given to you, and I project it out on Regina Ann. I can't do that any longer.
Lord I pray that you bind up the dysfunction that I bring in our sisterhood. It's unhealthy for our dynamic, and for my walk. Father God, it feels like I'm always doing the wrong thing. I choose to bind what's not of you. Father God, how I need need you. I need you Holy Spirit. I need what's life and not death.
What is up with this constant tiredness and sleep God? I could just all of a sudden close my eyes, and find myself in a quick nap. God I need you, I see day after day a new fight, or battle that I find myself in. Lord, I come open to you, and just seeking you to work in my heart. Make room father God, clear out all things that are not of you.
I easily condemn myself God, because I truly am choosing to go to you for everything. I strive and fight to seek you in every area of my life. I come to you God binding this spirit of fear and of condemnation. I come to you just battling so much frazzle emotions. Father God, I come to you apologizing. I don't need to get defensive when Regina Ann questions me, seeking to make sure that I am abiding in you. I have this horrible habit of getting defensive, and tense up when someone, like Regina Ann, is checking my motives over something, instead of seeing it as godly accountability, I internalize as I'm getting attack. I see accountability as the person understand what I'm going through.
The enemy uses my past to keep me in a loop. But the real truth is I've allowed the enemy to keep me in this loop, because it's so hard for me to not lean on my own understanding. It's what I know. It's who I am to me. I believe in the only one that has my back. I believe in the only one that has my best interest at heart. I only truly trust myself. That's why I have so many disputes with Regina Ann and why I have so much push back with others, or in situations involving circumstances, not necessarily people.
In the past I just had to constantly figures things out, because it felt like no one helped me. I constantly go to this mentality, of 'you want to look good, but you don't want that for me.' So I took what's mine. I went after what was for me so I'm not forgotten. That's why jealousy is my go to. That's why I compare so much. I need to bind that up now. I bind up these negative feelings that are not of you God. I rebuke them because they just create room for me to feed, and let satan in my space.
Father God, I come to you in seeking how to remove these unhealthy emotions, because they are barren fruits. They do not produce any fruits of the fruitful Holy Spirit. I come to you because I wholeheartedly want these negative ways, and emotions out of me. It's not okay that I am easily defensive, and argumentative ready. That is not helpful for anyone. Father God, I come to you because I really need you to move your spirit in me, and remove all these horrible traits from me.
Father God, I come to you just releasing, trusting, and shedding, removing the spirit of jealousy that I have been constantly battling with. Father God, I become so easily tripped up, because in my core I'm not enough. So therefore, since I don't see that I'm enough, I will not know what is enough for me. What is good for me. What someone has, I will think that I need to have that too. I would think that I need to get what they have because it means they know better than I do. In turn I don't put my trust in you God. I am so sorry God.
The true battle is me having a hard time trusting that you do have the best for me. Because I battle all of this, I began to be secretive about my intentions on things. Not being upfront with anyone around me, because I would think they will either try to stop me from doing what I want to do, or they do something and it would look better on them than it does with me.
I consistently have been doing this with my friendship with Regina Ann. I consistently feed this secretive spirit because it's easier, and to me it's safer than letting someone know what's going with me. I don't know why I allow myself to believe these lies God. I have very little to no trust in you God. Its so obvious in how I go about things.
I allow for whackness to enter my space and just corrupt my mind, because I truly believed that this way was better. It's an easier truth to me. I have a hard time believing that you are there for me, because of the loop that I have allowed to replay in my mind. I can't do this anymore. The secrecy and jealousy. The bitterness and contemptment.
Father God, I need your healing with my body. I am constantly having to deal with pain on the heel and sole of my left foot. When I get up from the bus or any seat. I constantly am walking like I need a cane, for the first for few minutes of walking then I'm back to normal. I come to you God just needing you to put your hand on the sole and heel of my left foot. I also needing healing for my right knee, it's from a previous injury that has been acting up lately. I need your healing for my whole body actually. Just please release me from these pains Lord God.
Father God, I need you. I really relied on the relaxed hair to be what was my clutch for me to look pretty. That's not true, I'm you're beautiful creation. I have to accept what's happening. I don't want to be disobedient, and I trust God's plan in what's happening. This is a transition for me to break the bondages that I used relaxed hair for. Father God, how I need you to shed these insecure feelings in me. In my core, I'm just not happy with myself. I'm just not. I see what others have, and feel that I will be complete with that instead of turning to you.
Father God, I come to you because you are my first dad. I need to be upfront with you so that you can clear out and work in my heart. There's a lot of things going on with me. I just want my heart to be fully aligned and beat for you. I want to be secure in you God and I'm not. That's the truth I'm not. I have such a hard time being content with who I am.
It's all connected to the fact that I'm not fully in you God. I'm not wholeheartedly there. I've kept you at a distance. How would I see my worth when I barely see or run to you? I'm starting to think that writing out these blogs do nothing for me. I'm just repeating and writing about the same issues that I've been dealing with over and over. Has there been any progress or growth? Or am I still battling the same things as last year. I'm so over it. I try to chase after you and every time a situation arises when I'm out, I fail to lean on you and trust myself. I'm doing the wrong thing constantly. Am I even surrendering or just sound like I am because that's the cue to do it? I really have to ask and state these things, because I'm just wanting the mental switch to happen, when I'm able to love myself and know that my worth is in you.
Do you know how bothered and embarrass I feel God to know that the middle section of my hair is so broken from the perm? Father God, how did this happen? For so long I struggle to work, and manage my hair to be healthy, that was so discouraging to know that it didn't stay that way for long.
This transitioning will it also work? I just need a transition all over. I'm so in need of a change, a mental breakthrough, a switch to see things how you see things.
It sure feels like I'm doing this walk for show, because of how much I fight you. It feels like I live a facade of being saved. I don't know what to do anymore. I turn to you and you seek you, but I still find myself landing right back where I started.
As I get out this rant God, I still fight, and make the push to leap to greater faith. I make the push to go higher, and remain flying in the air. I come to you God, saying that no matter what attacks come my way or what riffs Regina Ann and I get, I will still run to you. My jealously in others like my sisters is because of my lack of trust and faith in you, that I have taken out on them. Their walk seems smoother, or prettier, or something like that in my head. I come to you Lord, binding that jealous and cowardly spirit. It's not of you. I come binding any spirit that is not of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Father, I desperately need you. I just want your rest and peace from all of this. Amen.
Draw Near by Onething Live and Jaye Thomas is the current song I'm listening to about remain fighting; and just trusting, and abiding in God. The song speaks about how we must draw closer to God, even more when we are in storms, and trails in our lives, especially in these moments. These moments that feel the hardest and most impossible. I've learn that as we draw closer to God, then we are to reveal all the things that are truly damaging, to our walk so that He can remove them from us. As we choose you God, we then get to see all that has been remained buried deep within our hearts; and that is where God meets us. We make room for Him to work.
We came here to meet with you
We won't leave until we do
We came her to meet with you
We won't leave until we do
We climb this mountain
To pull back this mountain
We're desperately crying
Show us your glory
Happy reading!! Happy listening!!! Blessings!!
(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)