“Even when the morning comes I’ll praise you 

Even when the fight is won 

I’ll praise you 

Even when my time on earth is done 

Louder then I’ll sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise”

7/21/16

Father God, you have me in this wilderness. It’s been real, these last several days for me. I just am so uncomfortable, and have to fight to choose growth, and say yes to what choosing growth entails. Father God, just walk me through this transition, when I am no longer choosing to remain, young-minded, but become and act like the godly woman, you created me to be. The proverbs 31 woman needed for my ribcage, and your kingdom. 

It’s time I’m responsible for what I say, and do. It’s time I’m accountable to how I handle, and react to things. This is a really weak area: handling feedback at where I am. I strongly dislike receiving feedback for where I am, and for how things look in my walk. Father God, be with me. I have to start trusting more, and more that you are with me, and you’re right there. It’s so hard, because all I remember is the pains I’ve buried so deeply as a child. 

My lack of trust in you, messes up with how I receive what you tell me. It’s creates doubt, which leads to mixed signals. Lord, I’ve been doing a lot of doubting lately. I took faith and made it tangible. I took your wine, and started mixing it down like kool-aid. It’s easy to be drawn to the facades of kool-aid. It looks good to me, and whoever else struggles with this like me. You’re not alone. I’m God’s living testament, and you can be too. Just take His hand. I wanted things in my life to look a certain way. That spilled to me, wanting to have a certain way our relationship looked God. I’m sorry and I repent. 

I thought I was doing what was biblically sound to being in your presence, but not even realizing that I was leaning on my own understanding. I was not seeking you on how to come to you. Father God, I seek you now. I come to you in what I have to do on this walk. I thought I was good, and I thought that I had all the answers, but obviously that didn’t work. Because you’re God, not me. 

“Take this fainted heart

Take these tainted hands

Wash me in your love

Come like grace again”

7/25/16

It’s been a while since I have written to you father God, and have expressed what’s been going on with me. I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been in this wilderness of a season for a while now, and there are days that are tougher than others. But that is what messes me up sometimes: those tough days. I am like I’m over this walk, and being a sister, and being there for others. It’s really hard, the constant feedback, that I get. Grad school is so real. I feel like I don’t know anything, and that I’ve allowed myself to suffer instead of doing what I wanted. 

I’ve been very ungrateful Abba, I’ve been so ungrateful that you saved me. I have been wanting what you have protected me from, thinking that the decisions towards protecting my purity were wrong decisions. 

I recall the night that I made the decision to protect my virginity God, and for some reason today it feels like I’m haunted by it. I know this is an attack from the enemy, but it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. I feel stupid for never having sex. I feel like there’s a bright spotlight on me and everyone is laughing at me. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve pushed myself more to just get sex out the way too. 

I feel like I should’ve went to D’s* house, and allowed for whatever to happen happen. That’s how ungrateful I am God. I’m not allowing myself to understand what a precious gift, I have because of the loops that I have allowed to play in my mind. My intense conversation with Regina Ann* snapped me out of the spiral path of destruction I was headed towards. 

“Take this mountain weight 

Take these ocean tears 

Hold me through the trail 

Come like hope again”

Doing the direct sales business for duration that I did, exposed me to a lot. It made me want to fight for what I taught I was entitled to. I became so focused, and driven by money which is something that I have been wrestling with you on God. It’s still a struggle today. 

D, was that guy that was going to hit and quit it. I saw that, and ignored it. I just wanted what he was going to bring me, which I taught was a good time, plus I’m sick of seeing so many people around me, doing them and getting away with being happy out of your will God. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m losing my mind. 

I was ignoring the signs, that he was no good. I really liked him. In my brokenness he made sense. I was just tired of my pain. I was tired of feeling so alone. I really was developing some form of broken feelings for him. I saw that he was trying to make moves, with other girls, but I ignored it because I wanted to feed my desires, and my broken needs. God you blocked anything from happening to us. 

I remember that night, when it was after the company’s weekly hang out, and he put on his Chapstick to kiss me. That’s when you God showed me, what would happen if I decided to go down that dangerous route. I saw that I would be spending the night with him. I saw that I would find myself at my parents house at the crack of dawn. I saw that I would’ve lost my precious gift that’s meant for my ribcage to this guy that’s now a fleeting memory. 

“Lord my hearts burns only for you

You are all, you are all I want 

And my soul waits only for you 

And I will sing till the miracle comes”

I choose to not do that. I look back at that moment, and felt that I made a dumb decision, because I was able to not fall into the fleshly traps. So many others have fallen into this trap you blocked me from. Like Regina Ann* she’s always telling me how blessed I am to have my virginity as a gift for my ribcage. Sometimes I struggle with understanding why it’s so precious. I’m glad I have her to remind me how highly favored I am. I will choose to only sing your praise. 

I have often have remorse, or survivor’s guilt towards saying no to guys, and standing firm in not giving up my purity. It crazy how the enemy plays tricks with your mind, getting me to believe that I wasn’t smart in my decision making. I sound ungrateful in what you God have protected me from. My heart truly only beats for you. 

Last night, I went on a rant God. I truly snapped, and just was upset at you, the world, everyone. I was upset about my season thus far in this wilderness, and wanted to just have things look different. I harbored ungratefulness, and entitled attitudes towards others. I saw that everything, I had was less than because it wasn’t meeting my standards of what I wanted. Thank you for my reality check God, and thank you for using Regina Ann*

Regina Ann and I have been wanting to move out, and that has been pushed back. Wanting to be at a certain standard at grad school, and that not happening. Falsely believing that everyone around me is a whack, and just wanting to give them a piece of my mind. 

“Even when my strength is lost 

I’ll praise you 

Even when I have no song 

I’ll praise you 

Even when it’s hard to find the words

Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise”

It was really just Regina Ann* calling me out, on my nonsense and me making rebuttals for everything. At the moment I felt that I was saved prematurely, because I didn’t get to experience the things I should have before I got saved. I was so focus on the wrong things, and Regina Ann explained that to me several different ways. I would look at her, and have a rebuttal. I didn’t want to hear the wisdom, that she was giving me. We both would’ve been amazing lawyers just running things. But you keep blocking us from executing our go getting spirit to make things happen. You called us to teaching not being lawyers, we’d have more money right now, She’s more accepting of this than I am. I think it’s whack. 

Lately God, things have been so hard, and just truly challenging. It has been hard to praise you through the storm, and just to hold on to your promises. But I’ll praise you in this mountain. What you keep showing both of us looks and feels impossible. But only through you all is possible. None of this makes sense. Your ways are Higher though. This stillness is so real and so hard. I’m miserable. I used to make fun of Regina Ann* about how much of a brat she is. But it’s humbling to see I’m just as much of a brat as she is.

Truly what it is I think that you’re going to play me God, and continue to humble me in a big way. But that’s not the God you are. This internal turmoil is so real. God I need you to make things clear, but it comes down that I am so restless on waiting for your promises to come through. I’m impatient and so restless. Regina Ann keeps reminding me that those qualities are not of you. God I just need your truths. You keep showing me the same thing. As you tell me that I have it. I doubt that I do because of how everything looks. All you’re doing is shedding my tangibility, and my cling to my flesh. 

It’s easier to doubt you God then to hold on, and maintain faith; because then it will lead me to not get hurt if it doesn’t come through. I don’t like being hurt. Pain sucks so much. It is also easier to doubt you, because then it feeds the I have to protect myself. I believe God that only Wynee can protect and cover herself. No one else can because they are not for me, that was where my head was at for so long, Lacking trust in you, because of how everything that has turned out so far. Not just with me, but with Regina Ann too. I am keeping a record of what seemed as wrongs to me. And making notes of what is being done, who’s getting away with what, it all just frustrates me. But love keeps no records of wrongs.

“Even when the fight seems lost

I’ll praise you 

Even when it hurts like hell

I’ll praise you 

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I’ll sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise

I will only sing your praise”

Father God my lack of trust in you, and who you are created a strain in our relationship. This caused me to lean on my own understanding. As a defense mechanism. Father God, there was a battle in trusting you, and not feeding my flesh. I would come to you, and surrender to the spirit, but last night once and for all I had to stop feeding the mindsets that created the loops of my past. I had and giving the enemy a foothold in my life. The thing with last night, was a much needed release of my cries, and outpours. 

I need you God, and I realized how much I truly do trust your promises. Take my tainted hands. Wash me in your love for its endless. It stretches beyond the east to the west. It’s bigger than the stars in the sky. I trust in who God is calling me to be in His kingdom. I am now unafraid, that I naturally do stand out, and I was never created to blend in. 

This morning being on the phone with Regina Ann, showed me how much I need to get better at receiving feedback, and criticism, especially from others. I truly battle in this area, such a weakness of mine father God. I pray that you hold me to be more receptive, and accountable in this area Lord. 

I pray that Lord, that I see that feedback, and constructive talk is to only make me better for you. It is not designed to put me down. I am so used to being put down, that that’s what I took constructive feedback as. It triggers the teachers that made fun of me because English was my second language after I came back from visiting Haiti, I forgot English. That’s why I fought becoming a teacher, no teacher believed in me, no teacher invested in me. All that my teachers did when I was a child was break me. And that conditioned me to believe that I had to break people too. Because my child mind conceptualized that’s the expression of love. 

I am now realizing that it’s someone pouring into me to make me better. Before my sisterhood with Regina Ann, I never had anyone ask me how do I feel. She’s always asking me and pushing me to express myself. And the self sabotage stubborn daughter I am, goes in a routine to just push her away. But I’m glad she sees right through that, no matter what. That has to be you God. 

Father God, as I continue to say yes to being your servant, I choose to trust in where you lead me. I will follow. I love you God. Amen 

1 Kings 8:56 “Not one word has failed of all the promises He gave.” Thank you God for everything. My heart is becoming fuller in gratitude. 

 Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) Live from Hillsong United’s Dirt and Grace album is truly reminding me how much I need to be patient and be still; through learning that I will sing His praises and worship the Lord. No matter what.

“And my heart burns only for you 

You are all, you are all I want 

And my soul waits only for you

And I will sing till the morning has come 

Lord my heart burns only for you 

You are all, you are all I want 

And my soul waits only for you

And I will sing till the miracles come 

I will only sing your praise

I will only sing your praise 

I will only sing your praise”

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Advertisements