“When you speak 

Darkness has to bow 

Confusion has its final hour

When your speak

Mountains rise and fall

It’s tears down every wall around me”

7/26/16

I want to chop off all of my hair God. I feel like it was a mistake for me to get braids, all it did was left me broke. Ever since I got the braids, problems have arise for me either financially, physically, and just in other ways. I don’t like how my bank account, lately has been in the negative. I don’t like how my hair has started to knot itself . I don’t like anything about this season that I am in. Father God, I’m over this season. I’m over this wilderness. If I’m not about the burning bush, then I’m sorry. I’m not focusing on the right thing. I’m focusing on my horizontal. I saw it was a mistake for me to get the braids, because Regina Ann* has them as well. 

She usually gets complimented, because of her gray highlights, and I’m thinking this was a waste of money, because mine looks horrible, to me. I’m basing this off of not getting compliments. I just want to chop off my hair. I’m at the point where I’m not even wanting to wait for a sign from you, because it feels like you don’t understand. It feels like no one understands. It feels like no one understands how this triggers my constant battles, that I’ve been dealing with for years. Jesus this turmoil.

God you have this. You have this friendship. You have this sisterhood. I’m just over feeling like Wynee is doing this, or that because she’s following Regina Ann. That is what I feel. Yes, feelings can be misleading, but right now they feel as though they are not. Father God, you have this season. I’m so over it. 

Things feel like they are getting worse every day. So have your way God, with whatever you want to do. I just say yes, but I’m over it too, because it feels so misleading what I’m saying yes too. I have this mentality with you, where if I’m doing good then I should be rewarded, and blessed because of it. Like a good conditioned puppy. That’s pretty much the wrong way of thinking. This is what causes the strain in our relationship God. 

“When you speak 

You breathe upon the dust

You come alive in us 

When You speak 

You silence every fear

We feel Your Spirit here around us” 

I am wanting to show you that I’m doing good, therefore, I shouldn’t have to suffer. I shouldn’t have to do this is what I believe. It sucks being here, and writing this out. It sucks realizing that I feel this way, battling wanting attention. Battling wanting to get noticed. That’s why I am battling seeking attention from guys. I’m not satisfied in my relationship with you God, that’s what it comes down to. That’s what it is. 

I feel so jaded by things, and seeing how it seems that people are doing them. No one knows my frustration, or my trails. That’s why I want to leave the church. That’s why I want to stop serving. I feel like it serves no purpose. I get its about serving you, but am I even being fulfilled God? I feel so empty. Am I even supposed to be there still? I feel all over the place. I don’t want to be there anymore, take me away to somewhere else. I’m done with this season, and being here where I am. 

I’m so over living in New York. I’m just done being a teacher, before I even started. I’m done being a student. I’m done with this season. I’m so over it God, because it seems abiding in you, has left me as someone I don’t even recognize anymore. Maybe that’s what’s the battle: not recognizing the old me. Not seeing my former self. I’m over it God. She is dying. She is becoming smaller, and smaller. You are increasing, and now here comes the battle, of whether I continue to choose to magnify you, or crawl back into my flesh, and satisfy me. 

There’s the brutal honest moment that I needed to have with myself. Maybe that’s what I have been avoiding. That Wynee is dying. She will no longer be seen, but you God, will be seen through this new creation that sucks to me. The Wynee I know, is coming to an end. It’s the final days of her isn’t it? The revelations God, they be real. This burning bush is real. You’re parting seas.

God show me how to finally lean on you? I keep collapsing and falling. I need to make the mental switch to lean on you God. Where does that even begin? Because that is such a weak area of mine. God?

7/27/16

God, how do I become better, at constantly being there for my sisters? How do I get to the space of pushing, and fighting through the moments of not wanting to get involve?
“Now You’re everything we seek 

As deep cries out to deep

We will see God 

Here your glory on display

Jesus, take your place

We will see God”

7/29/16

This pain hurts Lord. Feeling so much anxieties, and frustration. Lord, I give them to you. Lord just want to exchange it, for your light and easy yoke. I need you continuously. I need you every single minute of the day. I no longer want to continue to serve, or worship at my church. I feel forced to attend, because of the facades. It’s very annoying. It’s very hurtful.

I’m the negative one. I’m the one who constantly feels like I’m getting the short end of the stick. God, I’ve been working out since April, and yet I’m the one who is slowly losing weight. I’m the one who really wanted to work out, because I saw how unhealthy I looked. I felt uncomfortable with myself, and yet I’m the slowest one to lose weight. At least that’s how it feels. But Regina Ann is a former athlete and I’m not. She has muscle memory and I don’t. Her journey will always be different than mine. I can’t compare, I shouldn’t. Comparison kills joys. 

There are moments God, where I am so over being obedient. I am so over with abiding, because all that it is doing for me is having me here. I feel so stifled. I feel so boxed, and caged in. I try to make moves, and you keep telling me to wait. 

“Let there be light 

Let there be light 

Upon it fills every space 

Come and have your way 

Let there be light 

Let there be light 

Just one word and I am changed

Come and have your way”

I’m posting about you, and how You keep your promises. That often doesn’t get discussed. How about the fact, that I feel that people just put up with me, because I’m Regina Ann’s friend. This is where I’m asking for distance. It becomes harder everyday to see. It becomes harder everyday to breathe. I have an issue with people. I battle thinking they’re stupid. I battle so much. I am constantly fighting to be in the spirit. But I’m so unhappy God. I fight reading the word so I can be in love, but all I feel is bitterness. I feel so empty. I feel the chaos that’s happening in the world. There’s so much going on inside. I don’t know what to say or do anything anymore. Just let me go to a mountain, so I can be in your presence. Nothing will satisfy me but you. 

I choose to sleep this all away because I don’t feel all of this piercing pain, that I can’t even express in words. I need an escape from this, because I believe I’m at peace. I’m not in pain, and I’m not crying. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of not making sense to those around me. I’m tired of fighting people. I’m tired of fighting you God. Sleep allows me to not be in turmoil. That’s why I choose sleep, not because I want to ignore you God. I just want to hear the melodies of your praises. I believe that I get your peace in sleep. When I fight to be in the spirit but I’m doing the wrong things. I finally feel clarity. I finally feel stillness. I only feel this sleeping.

I’m sorry God if choosing sleep wasn’t what I was supposed to do. I just wanted peace. I need peace so desperately. I was desperate in getting peace. I kept begging you, but there was just silence. There’s always a war I feel. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of my brokenness. I’m tired of my actions, and my fight to trust in you. It just feels like no one understands that I’ve been fighting to live since I was born. 

I was fighting to choose freedom. I’ve been silent God, because I never knew how to speak up, or express this internal war. No one knew the fight that I had, to choose you since before salvation. No one understands that I fight to see, and love myself because it’s so hard. I just want to give up. I don’t want earth anymore. This war is too much. It feels to much God, I’m so tired of hurt, of tears, of being shady, being mean, being distorted so much I’m just incapable of love. 

I’ve been sponging off of people for so long, because that was the only way I saw I was going to learn. I just don’t know. I need you to not be silent God. Please answer me God. I’m so tired. I don’t want anyone in my space, because I’m always showcasing the wrong first impressions. There’s so much brokenness. I have the wrong approach, or the wrong tone. God allow me to see your beauty, and not all the ugly I see. I see the ugly in me. God you have whoever is meant to be in my life, married or whatever. I’m over it. I just want to die, and be in heaven already. 

“When you speak 

You breathe upon the dusk

You come alive in us

When you speak

You silence every fear

We feel Your Spirit here around us”

Everyday feels like a constant struggle to live, and all I’m faced with is the same opposition. As a child I just wanted more. I developed a lazy habit, because I never thought the more would ever happen. I never stopped praying, just stopped living. I stopped dreaming, I don’t feel inspired. I don’t feel loved. I just don’t feel like I matter. I remember praying to you as a child, always seeking you to do the big things God. Is reading the word even doing anything? 

I became an alcoholic to sleep. Not because of drunkenness. It was fun and I liked some tastes, but I needed to sleep. I did what ever it was necessary to sleep. Sleeping was my peace. I’m funny because I’m cold. I’m funny because I don’t want to hold onto to this pain. I’m funny because I don’t want to walk through this pain. I’m funny because of all the wrong reasons. You’ve blessed me with this gift, and all I did was use it to my advantage. I don’t want this turmoil anymore. 

I just want this turmoil to end. God these tears are pointless. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I’m tired. I don’t want to live in this hurt anymore God. I can’t live in loops, and brokenness anymore. I can’t speak brokenness anymore. I cry on you to speak life. I say yes to be used. I need to be used by you. Tell me what I have to do? I will always say yes to you God. There is power in the name of Jesus. There is freedom in your name.

It’s not about my hair. Or a guy, or friends, or Regina Ann. This is about no longer waking up in this pain. Your peace needs to reign in my heart. I don’t want to have hurt anymore. My hurt was no ones fault. Take these yolks, take these bondages. I give them to you. I want to reign in your peace. 

I cry out for your children who have bondages like me, please Jesus. I intercede for them. This is hard waking up everyday with all these tear stained sadness. There’s so much more to you God. Not all your children are as blessed as me. You know every single child on this planet. Please God, no more of your children sleepwalking. Or feeling dead on the inside like me. No God, this pain God, please meet them, please love on them. Please switch these yolks. Please let them hide in your safe wings. Please God no more pain, please.

Let There Be Light by Bryan & Katie Torwalt is off of their recently released album titled Champion. This song describes how I spent the last hour just giving to God all that I have. I cried like a baby. Just trusting God, and walking through every fear. God you have us. You are fighting for us. You are with us. Amen. 

“Let there be light 

Let there be light 

Until it fills up every space 

Come and have your way 

Let there be life 

Let there be life

Just one word and I am changed

Come and have your way”


Happy reading! Happy listening ! Blessings! Xoxo
(*denotes about name change) 

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