Father God, I surrender the control and the aggressiveness, that I display and push onto others. My perspective is not always needed to be seen by those around me. My issues should not be projected on those around me. Lord, I come to you just wanting your yolk of peace and healing. My god complex needs to be put to an end God, and I’m seeking you to relinquish that side of me. Father God, you are the only one who is in control, and you are constantly reminding of that.
Lord, I seek you in the fact that I’m so negative that it affects Regina Ann* by her picking up my negative emotions. Lord, I surrender that negativity on to you. I’m just in such giant blob of hurt, that I need for you to heal me from. God make a way please. I pray for an end of this. What do I need to do God? How can I think more positively and joyfully? Father God, how can I seek you to find these ways? Lord, I come to you, just seek you. I’m seeking your grace for what I have been doing.
Lord, I come to you just wanting your ways to be emitted and transmitted out of me. Lord come in, I make room through surrendering what needs to be given to you. Lord, I know you hear me. I choose not to doubt that, I pray that’s progress that I’m making. Make room for who you are God in my head. In my emotions, feelings and reactions. Take over father God, for me to be more like your son. I pray that this is for your will to be done.
Father God, for so long I lead with tangibility and I allowed for the wrong things to be done. Not asking the question of what am I supposed to do with my walk, and with what you have given me? (Regina Ann, ask me this question). I was literally stunned to silence as she asked me this. The answer was trust. God wanted me to trust in him since the very beginning.
Father God, how we are seeking you for comfort, and peace through these turmoils. Lord, thank you for holding our hand through this. Thank you Lord. Father God, as I write to you, I seek you and choose to remain trusting in your promises. Because you are the God who has created the word and in the word is an oath that you swore your name and who you are on. So in that name is where we are your nation and people, so we will hold on to this truth and trust. Father God, the shake ups are real.
Father God, meet me. It’s real out here with how I pick up emotions of uncertainty, anxiousness, and confusion amongst those around me. I just need you God. I need you. Father God, the future is in your hands, but there’s still a shred of doubt and fear. Through the attacks I’m pushing to trust you more God. I’m fighting to do the complete opposite of what I would normally do. Father God, thank you for meeting me. Thank you for being so close and holding my hand. I need you daily in the times of serious uncertainty that we face. Lord, I need you. Thank you for being there, because I truly couldn’t do this without you.
Spending this weekend in Long Island was very much, much needed and an awakening of the changes that are around the corner for Regina Ann and I. The spirit is moving us to something new and to the next glory. It feels like the build up of preparation, that I have endured in this season of wilderness is starting to wrap up. Lord, I just want to thank you in advance for what you are about to do, no matter what happens, your will will be done, I will continue to praise and worship you.
God I’m blocking myself from connecting with you. I repent God from blocking whatever it is you have been trying to tell me. I surrender that. I also surrender thinking that I know it all. I surrender not leaning on you more, which is a constant battle that I’m living with. Father God, work in me because I seriously need it.
It’s really challenging being at work God when it seems that there’s going to be an uprising of disrespect and an uprising of making me feel small. I feel like I am making no contributions to anything. I feel like I wake up everyday and I’m still fighting to know what my purpose is. I feel like everyday is a struggle to understand how to live and breathe. I need you to give me your gills God because right now I feel like I’m underwater and drowning. It’s hard to come back to an environment where you can feel the hierarchy in the air.
I was just snarky with Regina Ann. She doesn’t like when I stress, or become frantic about money, but she doesn’t know how it feels to know that any guy will pay for her lunch, while it feels like for me, I’m left to fend for myself. I’m so over my life God. This wilderness is so real to the point that I don’t want to talk to anyone because all I see is people surviving well, when I’m struggling to give up bread. I am praying to do a whole 30 challenge, to give up bread and never look back. I need to because I’ve been battling with it.
I’m such an inner fat kid, it’s all I see when I look in the mirror, it’s hard for me to see the weight that I’ve lost so far, because I’m in between dress sizes. I’m grateful for coming down to a M from being an XXL. I’m going to have to constantly fight to maintain a healthy weight size. Writing that, I don’t stop and celebrate my success. All I see is what’s wrong. Lord, I just need you for these issues in my life. I need you for the fact that I battle loving you and understanding that being alive is a gift. I battle trusting you and knowing that I do have a purpose. I battle with taking a leap of faith and not cling to the tangible. I battle understanding and trusting that it will get better, that there are better days ahead. I battle with how can I not look to man, to be the hero to save me from where I am at this point of my life.
I want to do me. That’s the battle. I want to do what I want, and not have to deal with the repercussions or consequences. I battle trusting in your period. No one understands because no is in my shoes. No knows how I fight to not shut down every day and just not feel. How I almost wish I didn’t give up alcohol if it meant to not feel all of this. I don’t know what to tell you but the truth of how I feel God. You tell us to come to you with all that’s in our heart and how we are. Here I am coming to you, how long will it take for you to fix me, and I’ll still won’t get it. Still will have a hard timing understanding when I’m leaning on my own understanding instead of leaning of you.
When will the changes occur? They’ve happened at a job that I battle with liking, and bothered that I’m still there. I’m seeing that your will is being done, but I’m still struggling. I’m still unable to purchase the things that I need that you are telling me to wait on. Why do I have to wait? Why is there a waiting period that leaves one feeling abandoned?
At Regina Ann’s sister house, it was a fun experience but I struggle to know what her nieces are going to call me. I struggle with the fact that I’m not an aunt or near any toddlers or young kids. All these uncontrollable circumstances control my mind. As I’m writing to you, I’m now battling sleep, you see what I’m talking about constant challenges. It must be because I battle laziness. I surrender that in myself. I surrender the triggers that caused them. I wonder what trigger cause them? I wonder what I failed to do today, because I’m just so over how I’m not getting it. I want out of this life that I live. What am I not doing or surrendering to continue to be feeling this way?
What is triggering my deep desires to just be done with everything and over this life? I just don’t know what else to do God, you send me to scriptures and I pray prayers but to me it’s not enough because I want the constant repetitions that I get to be cast out and removed from me. I want this to end because if they are meant to be promises then there’s something that I’m doing wrong to not be getting it right. What is it that I’m missing God? What is it? I hate where I am.
I hate that you are telling me to be still with taking off my braids when I just want to be defiant and ignore what you are telling me to do? I hate that every year I feel like I have to walk around with a hard shelled case wall so, I don’t get blindsided with people trying to come for me, or attack me in a way that I don’t know how to handle myself. Sometimes it feels like when Regina Ann is sharpening or correcting me, I don’t like how people look at us. I see correction as embarrassment. But God is telling me to surrender my perspective so that I see things His way.
God, all I’ve been doing is crying and worrying and praying through these anxieties that I’ve been feeling. No one knows how I feel when I look in the mirror like I’ve aged and haven’t done anything with my life. I’ve played it safe haven’t I? I just want out of this prison that I am in.
What do I need to do? Don’t understand how I’m free when I’m still struggling, to know what’s the right thing to do? Have I done today what you have called me today? Have I been a representative of Christ? Have I shared the gospel? Did I spend enough time with you in the word? I battle remembering or fighting to push myself to wake up in the morning and read the word to start my day. All I do is sing. Sing songs in my head. All I do is try, but I’m probably not doing it right or shouldn’t be doing it? I need you God. I know you’re with me intellectually but I can’t feel you. How can I feel you? How does your warmth feel like?
Do you know that besides the fact you putting in my heart that teaching is my calling, I can’t recall a teacher who inspired me? Am I even passionate about education or just want security? Will I even do well in grad school or flunk out? What’s well to you? I’ve learned lately that I’ve need to be specific or I’m assuming and not digging deep enough. Didn’t know that I was suppose to dig deeper God? You never told me to dig deeper. You’ve never expressed that to me, do you know how abandoning that feels? Do you? But you still allowed me to feel that way?
It feels like you’re trying to test me to dig deep or to see what I will truly do, will I fully trust you? You can do whatever you want to do? You see me struggling and it feels like you don’t want to do anything about it. You can have it all God, just want to go to a space where when I said yes there is peace. So, what am I saying yes to that is giving me hardships? What am I not surrendering fully to you? Where did I not discern or seek you in, and have to battle not feeling ignorant or stupid? Where do I go to surrender all of this? Does my surrender do anything? I’m so tired of this.
Maybe the thing is I don’t know how to act by faith, that’s the problem. What is faith God? How do I do it?
Can you show me God, how to not lean on my own understanding? Can you hold me accountable from not taking my random thoughts and running with them without first taking them to you? Father God, I need you in holding me accountable in this area because this is something that I do very often, too often; and it just leads to disappointment later and me feeling like an idiot for not doing what was necessary in the first place. I truly battle with this God. I surrender it to you and ask for your correcting in this. Father God, I just need you period through the pain and tears and hardships.
Hillsong’s Then Sings My Soul left a dent in my heart that leads me to sing to God, when I enter this mental space of connecting with Him. At first, I heard this song at the Hillsong Conference 16′ last week, and was moved to the point that the song was engrained in my heart. I’ve search around for the lyrics, which hasn’t been published yet. Thank God for YouTube that has a version of the song from the same conference, when it was hosted in London last month, (the link is listed below.) I love how this song begins with:
“Behold the Father’s heart
The mystery He lavishes on us
As deep cries out to deep
Oh how desperately He wants us
The things of earth stand next to him
Like a candle to the sun
What compares to His great love”
“Behold His holy son
The Lion and the Lamb given to us
The Word became a man
That my soul should know it’s savior
Forsaken for the sake of all mankind
Salvation is in His blood
The righteous died for love
It wasn’t over
For He is the risen one”
“Then sings my soul
Then sings my soul
How great Your love is
How great Your love is
Then sings my soul
Then sings my soul
How great Your love is
How great Your love is
Then sings my soul”
Listed below is the link to this amazing worship song.
Happy reading! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Thank you fellow siblings!! Love!! xoxo
(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)