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The Truth About The World — September 20, 2016

The Truth About The World

9/15/16

I apologize Abba for putting people on pedestals. I place them there. I apologize for what I have been doing. Lord, I need you in these weary days, that I face where I’m just needing you to guide me in seeing, and recognizing this about myself. Father God, why do I do this? I believe that no one I put on the pedestal will make mistakes, when in fact we are all flawed, or is it still due to my validation in man? I just come to you God wanting more than where I am, I just want more of you God. I want more breaks in my work schedule to have bible study time with you. I want to push myself to call you dad, when I’m talking to you. Is there a distance between God? I’m sorry I put us there. I come to you just wanting you to show me how to be. I choose the stillness over chaos. I choose the truth over the lies, I choose peace over wealth. I need the word and lately I’ve been slacking on drawing closer to you I feel. Can you help me?

Have you grown tired

Of feeling alone 

Not to earth 

Not to the soul

Eyes wide open 

Unafraid to be alive 

You’re living and you’re breathing 

Feels like the very first time 

9/16/17

Father God, I come to you Dad just surrendering and laying down my selfish flesh. It’s what holds me back from connecting with others truly on a deeper level. 

Father God, it’s been several Sunday’s now, since I’ve left the church that was home for almost three years. Since leaving God things have changed rapidly. My walk and relationship with you has quicken. There has also been the fight to cling to you, and the stillness through the trenches of this walk. Father God, I found salvation and began serving, in the church you pulled me out of. There was a lot going on, that I was dealing with that I was unable to vocalize at the time. Church hurt is real God. It’s the type of hurt where I see how much more broken your children, who know the word are, than those who don’t know your name. Being saved for many, at the old church became a popularity of what you can bring to the table, or how you look as opposed to whether you’re heart is right with you God. 

The youth pastor at the time was one of the first people I meet. It feels like yesterday, when he asked if we knew anyone at the church; and we would respond that we didn’t. Because to be honest, the truth was Regina Ann* and I didn’t even know that the black shirt wearing people were volunteers, and they were suppose to be introducing themselves to us at the time. The shirts were weird to us but we were there for Jesus. It took a while for us to understand they were leaders, who were supposed to welcome us. 

The second time around when it was the day of my baptism, the same pastor again asked if we knew people, and we had names because of how we were arriving at the time, to been able to wait on the line and be greeted. That eventually changed God, when we were coming to church more and more both Sunday and Friday services. The shift and the reception was becoming more obvious towards people noticing us, versus those who become onlookers. Like Regina Ann and I were spectators to observe. I remember when some of these black shirt people were cold and standoffish. That happened immediately after the night of power hour one Friday. 

The reception from women who are supposedly well known women, in this church was very disrespectful. That’s not godly or biblical. That was not the case for some. Along the way God you weeded out those who were meant to be involved in my life, and those who weren’t. The fact remains that many of your daughters God are in a loop, a cycle that they haven’t received is over, and it’s time to move on from that church; and that black shirt cycle, the same way you lead Regina Ann and I to move on.

Serving became a routine where it felt like the coordinators of the ministry didn’t want feedback or new ideas but just wanted robots. After being in the church for a full whole year God, things were really starting to show me that the church was not where I was, especially after several pastors left. That should of been Regina Ann and myself signal to leave too. It started to feel like Groundhog Day. We were repeating the same day in a year timespan. 

You will make your way 

For the valleys of your soul

Coming home to the truth 

To the truth about the world 

Father God leaving the church was a decision that was challenging to see at the time. Now seeing how much freer I feel to worship and be aligned in the spirit wasn’t something that I was receiving at the church you just pulled me out of. Everything became routine. People were wanting to not dig deep, or talk about spiritual warfare. Often times when I speak to others about what you have revealed to me they were not willing to be in the space to understand. Or question me to attempt to make me doubt how clearly I understand how you speak to me God. I did not fully understand what a blessing that was until I’m no longer in that routined loop. It became clearer and clearer that you had my walk to be completely different from what others have witnessed or gone through. I’m set apart.

Church hurt happens because the desire to become one with the body gets halted; due to the tunnel vision of everyone wanting their own needs met. Or others so focused on having a certain look with leadership. Or even that push for the wrong couples. All very subtle worldly practices while singing holy spiritual praises in the same breath. That’s like having faith and worry at the same time.

The truth is God, I’m way past the church hurt. The focus is saying yes to you without any reservations or conditions. I’ve conditioned myself to do that, and that’s what created the barren fruits and weeds to keep growing. I miss him. The fact remains that I must lay down these remaining walls, that I have with you God. As I draw closer to you by calling you Dad, and not allowing the strangeness of this name to cause me to take a step back, and limit how I truly see you. You are a good good father. Lord, the church hurt can easily be triggered. Coming to New Life for some Sunday’s now, I can begin to see that some folks are collecting, and seeing that we are new to the community. Things are different now, yes I was hurt and felt unwelcome, but I was also protected and blocked from being involved in heartbreak, and foolishness. 

I was protected from dating someone, and figuring out the limbo of whether marriage is in involved. I was protected from marrying the wrong man. Marriages is the beginning of the platform, that you have for those who you joined together. Marriage is a ministry and an edification for your kingdom. Marriage is more than having sex without guilt. Marriage is more than just a tax right off. Marriage is more than just a status filler. It’s not about who I feel is best suited for me. As I choose to draw closer to you God on this walk, it’s making those connections that my life is truly not my own. That means who you have for me, is your decision and was never mine.

I’ve been feeding and brewing a spirit of chaos and destruction father God. I’ve been seeing this within myself more and more God. I’m at the point where I’m being halted, because that spirit needs to be surrendered and bind so that your Holy Spirit can be the only true spirit that dwells in me. Show me God how to shield myself from just absorbing the wrong emotions, and acting them out. I pray God when I surrender these emotions and feelings to you, that I am opening and allowing you to take these emotions, instead of holding on to them like I normally do. The mentality of feeding that I’ve been wronged, and disservice has lead to this place. The level of liking my feelings of chaos and destruction is disturbing. Father God, these are things that I’ve know about myself for a while that I can no longer hide. I truly wanted to sweep these things under the rug. It’s what I’ve always done, hide and remain secretive. Allow things to remain in the dark and I didn’t want anyone to know, because acknowledgment meant identifying, and taking accountability for these things. 

It meant expressing to someone else what I’ve been dealing with. That’s the thing with control, it becomes the battle of what can I grip or have a handle on, instead of going to you God and asking you to continue to work in me to make me whole. It’s the battle of why flesh is so weak and why secrets, and skeltons hinders us more than the lie we believe we will be free. The truth is, secrets and lies creates more bondages. It’s a problem if these issues are not being addressed, or brought to light and that truly began to happen once the shift was made to began to attend another church. The shift was made within me to dig deeper on what is going on with me. To dig deeper on what I’ve been feeding and not allowing for God to remove in me. When I cling to something it’s another way of stating that I like it. I like what it does for me and to me, although it’s not healthy for my walk or for those near me, as long as I like it than that’s what mattered to me. That is the light that is exposing this particular area of my life. Picking up the jealousy and envy that people feel towards me, and Regina Ann is not of you God. Fix the hearts of others and we pray for them God. Our sword is lifted for them. We continue to choose love, and rise above in the calling you have us in. All these stretching moments are overwhelming but thank God you blessed us with each other. Thank God we get to walk through this journey together as real sisters. Thank God for real sisterhood a prayer we both asked for for so long. Your timing is truly best. 

The Truth About The World sung by Andrea Marie off her Low album resonates with how life has been since leaving the old church. The truth is the old church served its purpose, and God is bringing Regina Ann and I to the next glory in our walk. There is this church hurt. Church search, and the renewal process that begins when starting over, from beginning, especially with a new church. The process of letting go of how things use to be or what familiarity brings; verses to what’s purposeful for me and my relationship with God. God has to be the primary choice, because he is first in my life; therefore, where he leads I shall follow. I just say yes.

Everyone is hurting 

Everyone is searching 

Everyone is looking 

For the truth about love 

For the truth about God 

For the truth about the world 


Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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Back To You — September 10, 2016

Back To You

I see the damage that I’ve done 

And I’ve heard the one who gave me love

9/4/16

It constantly feels like I’m failing. I don’t want to talk about them: why are you pushing me to talk about people who are doing them.

It’s been restful in Long Island God, truly came face to face with a lot. The reality is to surrender daily, but consistency is what makes room for this daily work to happen. If I’m not consistent in how I spend time with you God, then there’s no consistency in anything that I do. You’re a God of order, not chaos. Consistency doesn’t allow for chaos to come in. Good habits also make room for you to bring order in my life. Of course God, there will be the times of shake-ups, when you deemed them to be necessary. I seek you through all of this, and just constantly in search to find peace. To be in stillness, and not be attracted to chaos entering my life. 

I truly love the show “fixer upper” I love seeing renovations, and just seeing something new from the dust of brokenness be evolved into a new creation.

I can never overcome 

But you never left me one my own 

9/7/16

The first official day of school. Exciting right God! This is a whole new ball game of expectations and rules. I need you God. I need you. I need you. I’m just going through it with grad school and work. It’s not easy, and I just have been feeling toxic emotions, and bitterness towards Regina Ann* I’m upset that I had to wait for her in terms of studying or even doing any task. And then it seemed like when I want to do something, it was never the right time for her. I would have to wait, and then see that she has moved on to something else. She’s going to do well, because she already has the favor. 

I want to also do well, and can’t stand to see, that I’m waiting and waiting. There’s a deliberate slowing down. It feels like I’m looking like a fool. Everyone wants to do their own thing at their own pace anyway. No one wants to do this walk your way God. I get that Regina Ann handles stress and anxiety different from me. I don’t let mine slow someone else down. I’m so over this. 

The fact remains that I’m waiting. I hate it. It’s rough. It’s rough when you are the one waiting, and it feels like the one that you’re waiting on is surpassing you. So you’re waiting in vain. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t go through this fall semester with decent grades when I’m the one waiting, and the other person has better grades than I do. I can’t go through this again. I went through this over the summer, and it crushed me how I would speak up, about wanting to do something and not even even know if Regina Ann was speaking to me in spirit or flesh. I want to be successful. 

I don’t have a family that has connects. Everytime I wanted to make a phone call to a realtor or broker or someone about an apartment, I would get blocked. How when we don’t even sit down together to look at prices? I cannot focus on them. I can’t when I have deadlines to hit. They are not focusing on us. You got them. I need to focus on what I have to do. It’s hard going from not having friends who were never there for me, to having a friend that always is. But it’s not looking like how I want. It’s not even about the waiting, it’s about how I’m not focused on you God. I’m not. I’m focused on passing these courses and doing well. I’m focused on getting promoted. I’m focused on getting a higher gpa. You are a struggle for me to be a forefront, and that’s being up front and real. You are. 

I’m reading the bible asking you for spiritual growth, and then to get told that it requires going to that next step. You are holding me back and I look like a mess. I wanted to cut all my hair off. Why is everything with you God rules and correction? I’m so over it God. I’m so over it. Why should I even come to you when no one even understands me when I talk. God I just want you. I can’t continue anymore. I can’t. I’m being constantly attacked, and it affects my friendships especially with Regina Ann. I made a mistake, I have harbored and internalized everyone’s negative feelings towards her, and now its to the point that we are not the same. I’m not angry at Regina Ann, I’m not angry about the apartment not coming, I’m angry at God. I’m angry that I am being taught patience and stillness. 

I don’t want to have the serious conversations with leadership, about not getting the grades necessary to pass. I didn’t build any relationships. I don’t like how the focus in my space is them. Forget them, they won’t help me or Regina Ann graduate, won’t pay my bills, won’t do anything, them is a waste of focus. What you keep showing God, is not matching reality. And, I’m at the space if it’s you saying that it is them, then you will make a way. What Regina Ann and I have to do is trust you. She is so over them. We both are.

I can’t continue with these emotions. I can’t. I can’t continue to feel like I want to do my own thing, and I want to actually do something meaningful. It feels like I’m not. I’m stuck in this constant battle between flesh and spirit. I am constantly choosing wrong thing. Don’t have Regina Ann near me God. Don’t continue this dysfunctional loop God. Don’t continue this wrong thing that I breed around her. Don’t. I love her too much to want her around this. My struggle is toxic to her, it’s not fair to continue this. 

Lord, I give these hurt emotions to you. I give you the feelings of hurt and numbness. I just want to shut down, and be closed off from people. But I can’t get upset about how someone lives their life. I have to be focus on you, so I surrender my hurt God. You know where they are rooted from. I choose to no longer be affected by my pain, because honestly it does more hinderance than good. It creates and feeds the wrong thing like growing bitterness, resentment and anger. I surrender these things Lord, because they are not of you. Father God, I choose peace, joy and love the fruits of the spirit. 

I need forgiveness for my soul 

Give me redemption, make me whole

9/9/16

I think the roles have switch where Regina Ann takes what I say really strongly. She maybe reacting emotional to how I feel instead of understanding that it has nothing to do with her. It’s between me and where I am with you God. She went through intense storms starting last year, and all I could do was be there with her through it. But it’s me going through my own pruning process now, and it doesn’t look the same way. I was more focused on a guy that showed me attention, than what Regina Ann asked me to do. I was focused on me. I’ve been battling the boy craziness that comes out in me, and the way I’m looking for someone to date. It’s because of me trying to block or deny what God has been telling me. 

It’s taking too long, and the pruning process is too hard to be waiting, what feels like I’m waiting in vain. It’s a constant struggle, and fight because of having to dig deep, leaning on the spirit, and praying that it’s truth that she received. Me vocalizing that made her say that she’ll never ask me again the request she asked. I’m like that’s between you and God. My battle is with the Lord and he is the ONLY solution. 

What is it that I’m doing wrong God, please show me? I’m getting it’s because I’m choosing myself? I’m choosing me. It’s what I’ve known to do for so long. Today I put a stranger over Regina Ann’s needs because I knew it would block getting anything about the future that you won’t stop telling me about. She’s right though I’m highly upset, that you blocked this ribcage you have for me, to not cater to my broken ways and selfishness. She called a spade a spade. I’m upset that God blocked my selfish needs being met by a man. The thing is I just want to give up my virginity. My flesh will be meet by sex. I want to date a guy regardless of his status and just wreck havoc. I want sex. I want flesh. I want to destroy and not build up. I want to do the wrong things. Here’s the truth of where I’m at God. The fact that I respond and change quickly to anger and not to love. 

I respond better to when I push Regina Ann to the edge and she snaps at me, instead of when she’s speaking in love. I try her patience every single day. I do. I try her in every sense of the word. I go for what she has because it’s what I choose to want to do. I’ve chosen to want destructive and broken flesh. I’ve actively chosen to want the wrong thing because I don’t feel chosen. So I’m feeding my flesh. I am/was aiming for the feeding my selfish ways. 

I’m like God really is blocking and doing things around me. I see people as how will they benefit me. This is something that I would constantly witness from my parents growing up. Especially my father. I didn’t know about serving or helping out, because I was actually taught to be selfish. We did share food, through my mother’s cooking during specific holidays, but it was because it will be requested to be cooked. 

Growing up my views of what can someone do for me, came from them; but I must take accountability because I allowed that seed to keep growing. I chose to feed, and fostered viewing people this way. I have to surrender all of this God. 

I get why I’m not with my ribcage. This brokenness is chaotic and detrimental. I was more damage than good. Before these revelations, I truly believed that I was good. I was believing in the bad seeds that I grew. I held on to it tightly. I refused to see all of this, but through so many moments of seeing things for what they truly are God, I have to and need this to all end. 

I come to you laying down all of the barren fruit of selfishness, jealousy, bitterness, and chaos. Lord I come to you surrendering, and letting go all of this in me. It’s not allowing you God to transform me to who I am called to be. I have to choose to let these traits go. Lord, I surrender this all too you. I say yes to you and change, and please continue to remove and prune me for the daughter I’m called to be. I just say yes. I choose love and peace over chaos. I choose truth over flesh. I choose you God over the emptiness of the world. Please continue to work in me. Please hold me accountable God in this section of me.  

Even though I try myself 

I can never overcome 

You still walk with me when I’m wrong 

9/10/16

I am very negative God and I am such a pessimist. I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate, to Regina Ann what my plans are. But her approach towards when I mess up is wrong. I’m going to take the accountability for this, and just do the work myself, because I’m the one who did not message the change correctly. I’m the one who failed to communicate, because I was in my head trying to sought out things, and not voice them out loud. The thing that bothers me the most God is that everyday Regina Ann and I are being attacked by the enemy, but also I have to see that you use every moment for your glory to prune us and release us from the bondages that were kept buried deeply. Digging deep is now the constant thing, that I must aim to do, along with asking you to hold me accountable. I need your constant daily truth. I thank you Lord in advance for this as I grow more in love with you. I thank you for working in me, and in Regina Ann. I thank you for using everything that we go through as sisters to make us better daughters for your purpose. I thank you for showing both of us no matter what, we will be sisters forever. We love you God. 

Back To You by Tim Bowman Jr., on his Listen album came across my ears today. I was lead to the song and truly felt that it spoke to me about wanting to desire more of the truth and not myself. To desire more of what it is that God is trying to tell me than what I think I can tell myself. It’s the song of how the fight to be aligned to God must truly come from a place of surrender and daily seeking him through large or small moments. Shifting my mindset and pushing myself to see that every opportunity that I can I must speak life not death. Speak words that uplift and have others grow and be lead and motivated to seek the Lord for their own walkways with him. Back To You, speaks on how we often seek ourselves to put an end to what is coming from the flesh, instead of asking God to work in us to do the true removal from his spirit. It’s all about resetting the mind to see its not about me or the company, it’s about the consistent desire of knowing how much you need God, and the daily seek after him. 

And they say the ones you love don’t never leave you

Though at times they’re too far away 

Alone, alone I’m lost

I won’t, no I won’t run from the truth 

So I’m coming back to you 

So I’m coming back to you 

So I’m coming back to you

So I’m coming back to you 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Always Have  — September 4, 2016

Always Have 

“Your Story

The Stillness”

8/19/16

Doing the big chop has been amazing God. Thank you for the chains breaking, and the bondages that have been broken because of this. Thank you for what you have been doing. Father God, decrease me so that you may only increase. I’m going to be in a new building, and in need of your Holy Spirit constantly active in me. I am needing you for discernment and accountability. Needing you for the fact that I’m so lost without you. I can’t do anything. I need you God to show me what to say or do. I just need you God to take over. I need you on what to say, and discuss when heading to the meeting next week. I need you God in just showing me what to fight for. I need you God in not feeding my flesh. I need you to show me God how to be there for Regina Ann*. 

8/21/16

I’ve been battling my flesh lately God. I’ve been just wanting to do things my way. It’s probably why I’ve been putting out resentment and bitterness. Lord I surrender all of myself to you. No longer wanting flesh or lead myself. I just want you Lord, I say yes to you Lord and your plans for my life. 

8/22/16

“Your Story

The stillness”

I’m scared God. I know in your word, that fear isn’t of you; but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of this meeting. I’m afraid of not knowing what to do. I think I’m crying because I feel so scared and alone. Where are you God? I need you. Please talk to me. Please tell me what to do. Please walk with me. I need you. I just can’t even breathe or eat properly. I’ve been so anxious and afraid. Fear has gotten the best of me, and I’m sorry. I surrender these emotions God. I give them to you. I need you. 

8/24/16

“You never stopped calling my name.”

It makes no sense to have a best friend. It makes no sense to have someone know more about you, than you know about yourself. It makes no sense to be tied to someone, who once they see your ugly doesn’t even want to be there regardless of how it looks. I choose flesh, and I wasn’t leaning on the spirit, so it doesn’t matter that I went this way with things. It doesn’t matter what I decided or what I do, I got saved so that you could block me God from what I really wanted to do. 

Can’t really do much of the destruction I feel with the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me, that’s connected to my conscious and all. Things pretty much get blocked. Regina Ann, walked away from me, so that means that she doesn’t want to deal with my battles or who I am. That’s fine, I wanted to be alone anyways to do me. Don’t have to go to work with her tomorrow, someone will help her. She won’t have to struggle or wait on me for an apartment anymore. She can go on right ahead, and find a roommate from the people who won’t be cruel to her. 

I hold her back, it feels like I hold her back. It’s not going to be the case anymore, she can fully be bless and receive the gifts you have for her, and anyone else because I won’t be around them. You can do whatever you want to me. Teach me another round of humility by killing my pride. I told her that when we first arrived at the church, people wanted to separate us as friends. They wanted her to join her with them. They can still reach out to her to hang, talk or chill. 

“You choose me, just as I am.

You love me, you always have.”

I never fit that mold in any industry that I was in. I never fit that mold and never will. I was always the one who had to wait or share. Why do I have to share when others get bless? I’m still sharing a room with my sister. I’m still sharing myself with others, because I’m supposedly a vessel. I don’t want to share, I want what’s mine to stay mines. I don’t want to share headphones anymore, when I’m the one who has people talking about how emotional I get. 

I don’t want people to coach me, you could do that God if you want to. You can do whatever you want to. I’ve already made faith tangible, and lack it in you as well. Don’t have to act like I’m there for people when I’m not. I’m selfish, so I’m going to stay selfish since that’s the only thing I’m getting right. Doesn’t matter what I say or do. I’m always seen as a follower of Regina Ann. So since I’ve placed her, and others on a pedestal; that means I am not giving up my flesh or destructive ways. I’m good. Why am I even listening to worship music? I’m going to stop that. I begged you to talk to me. Remember that God? 

None of this even matters, because I’m not growing anyways. I’m not. I’m in a loop of choosing the wrong thing, which is my flesh, and my needs. Shouldn’t even be saying that I surrender, because I’m not even doing that anyways. I’m the one who should be focusing on passing her exams. So God you have that. Do whatever you want. You don’t want to bless me that’s cool. I’m making faith tangible when everyone else is drinking the kool aid instead of your wine.

I get told to wait. You’ve allowed the wrong couples to be married. I’m so over the chaos. You having Regina Ann and I leaving our church, and called us to a church that’s far away. I will still feel like I’m the follower, and that I’m holding back Regina Ann. So she can go where you tell her. Leaving the church was for her, not me. Regina Ann wants to go live in Queens, and would get upset at me from rejecting that idea. She gets to be headstrong at me, but then when I try to give truth it gets rejected. Just because she doesn’t like the answer, then that means I am being paranoid. 

She’s annoying, and I don’t care if we drift apart. She will still have her family, and people who support her. I do compete with her. Because I want to win. I never win. Even salvation has a race. But I made it a competition. She’s always ahead, and I’m always behind, apparently I’m blocking my gifts. Nobody asked her. She’s annoying. God you got that. I’m done trying to figure, what’s really up with myself. I’ve lost anyways. You keep showing me that I’m acting in flesh. Let me make it easier for you, and everyone to not even be near them. 

My ribcage coming doesn’t change, that he will leave once he sees all of this. He’s like Regina Ann, can’t handle my ish. I don’t want a friend who immediately has a problem, when I’m going through something. And doesn’t know how to handle when I’m upset, but tells me that I’m not there. Then stop talking about someone, who you don’t want to be with, when you do want to be with them. Like we are all fronting. It’s what we are doing. Everyone is annoying.

I’m hurt that I don’t know what I want. I have a bunch of clothes to get rid of, and I have terrible fashion sense. I still have a stomach and I love bread. That should be my profile for online dating sites, do people still use those? Maybe I need to try them. My bio should include bread lover with butter.

I’m hurt that people get to be in their flesh, and get married while I’m the one who’s single and spending another bunch of holidays wondering when will my turn come? Do you know that I truly believe I am destined to be a 40-year old virgin. I’m the girl who is still figuring things out. I still am battling fully surrendering and leaning on you. I listened to drake on the way over, and was probably listening to the voice of the enemy. 

I’m not making the right decisions, not fully surrendering, constantly have to be called out. I’m damaging or creating a constant unhealthy sisterhood with Regina Ann*. I am jealous that she will always get hooked up and people want her blessings, and prosperity when I have to struggle. I missed being and working in Staten Island, never got to go to the malls. I’m always blocked from exploring. I’m always block from something. She can go on her own vacation, or live in her own apartment. Other people are doing them. Regina Ann is on a mission to do her.
8/27/16

I don’t know how to truly be vulnerable with you God. How do I truly let you in? What am I missing the mark on? God I’ve played mind games with myself that has lead to these toxic shortcuts. That has lead to wanting to fast forward, or speed up how my walk looks compared to others. I basically have been competing with not only my sister, but competing with myself. Competing whereas now there is a clock in my head, that I have to fight to not feed towards where my life should look and be. Your plans over my own God.

8/28/16

 
First day at New Life Church Lord, all I kept hearing is that they are here, especially when I was in the restroom. I just want to end the bondages. I want to keep surrendering what I have done, and realizing that it’s you who comes, first no matter what my status is, it’s all about you. 

Father God, I say yes to the changes that are here. I walk through these new beginnings, knowing that you are right here by my side. You are guiding me through this ending wilderness. You never stopped wanting me God. Thank you God for loving me so much, to not having me remain spiritually dead. 

Father God, I come to you, just wanting you to make clear of all things that is your will. Lord, I pray for greater discernment, and to not feed fear any longer. Fear clouds us, and that leads to poor judgement and feeding the wrong thoughts. And worse the wrong ‘truths’ from our fleshly fears.

8/29/16

I’m tired of seeing facades God. I’m tired of seeing the reels, and feeling so annoyed. I’m tired of seeing the words that were once used to minister to others, are now used as a dig because you called Regina Ann and I somewhere else. People don’t ask questions. People don’t like when you’re not apart of making your wine kool aid. 

It hurts being outcasted, that’s what it feels. But it’s time to realize, that what I want and what kool aid seekers want is something else. I want the burning bush. I want the impossible with you. I don’t want to settle for mediocre sermons any longer. I want greater with you as my center. I want better with you as my leader. Man will never lead me or Regina Ann. You have all of me God. I’m fully in. Not looking back. Just facing forward and not turning around. 

8/31/16

Father God, at the 6th grade content meeting today, a lot was said and exchanged. A lot of it was the built up of past hurts. The key takeaway, I’ve been speaking on behalf of Regina Ann, when that was never my role or obligation. I blurred the lines of being there and stepping myself in conversations, that had nothing to do with me. I’ve been doing this, because I can’t stand how people immediately hate on her when she is talking or being herself, it really bothers me. 

I do it because I’m thinking that she can see that I do have her back, because I falsely believe that she doesn’t speak up for herself enough. I’ve been running around with a lot of hurt feelings, and making decisions on these feelings without consulting you God. I planted a seed of being a representative for her, in an area that she doesn’t need me to represent her in. Father God, I surrender the way, I’ve allowed my clouded emotions to affect my judgment towards everything. 

It’s something that I am very weak in, along with listening in terms of allowing others to get a chance to speak. Show me how God to be more of an active listener than talker. Show me how Lord to know when to speak and in fewer words. Lord, take over. How I need you Lord, my weaknesses are on full display this season, but I know that you are with me. 

Father God, it’s not easy but I am coming to you wanting, and desiring a growth mindset. I am desiring a renewed mind. I didn’t consider that this would affect how the colleagues, that I work with view all of this, and from what I am doing, it doesn’t allow for a productive work environment. I’m so sorry God, for what I have been bringing to this new school year, which isn’t anything helpful. 

9/1/16

Father God I am so tired. The hours of working and going to school full time is draining. Lord, it’s real these muscles that you are building in me, and pushing me towards greater. It’s all leading back to leaning on you for strength. It’s not easy being here and feeling, and walking through another level of being an adult; but walking through the journey that you are directing, and calling the shots in, is worth it.  I push for greater obedience, and abiding in you. Thank you Father God. 

“All I know is this”

Always Have by Vertical Church Band is my walk down the aisle song, that signifies the joining of two individuals, God ordained and joined as one. It signifies that God always have us no matter the storm, like Psalm 23:4 states “even in the darkest valley” for there’s no need to fear, because God is truly with us, always have, and always will. 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings siblings!! Xoxo

(*denotes name change for privacy)

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