Doing the big chop has been amazing God. Thank you for the chains breaking, and the bondages that have been broken because of this. Thank you for what you have been doing. Father God, decrease me so that you may only increase. I’m going to be in a new building, and in need of your Holy Spirit constantly active in me. I am needing you for discernment and accountability. Needing you for the fact that I’m so lost without you. I can’t do anything. I need you God to show me what to say or do. I just need you God to take over. I need you on what to say, and discuss when heading to the meeting next week. I need you God in just showing me what to fight for. I need you God in not feeding my flesh. I need you to show me God how to be there for Regina Ann*.
I’ve been battling my flesh lately God. I’ve been just wanting to do things my way. It’s probably why I’ve been putting out resentment and bitterness. Lord I surrender all of myself to you. No longer wanting flesh or lead myself. I just want you Lord, I say yes to you Lord and your plans for my life.
I’m scared God. I know in your word, that fear isn’t of you; but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of this meeting. I’m afraid of not knowing what to do. I think I’m crying because I feel so scared and alone. Where are you God? I need you. Please talk to me. Please tell me what to do. Please walk with me. I need you. I just can’t even breathe or eat properly. I’ve been so anxious and afraid. Fear has gotten the best of me, and I’m sorry. I surrender these emotions God. I give them to you. I need you.
“You never stopped calling my name.”
It makes no sense to have a best friend. It makes no sense to have someone know more about you, than you know about yourself. It makes no sense to be tied to someone, who once they see your ugly doesn’t even want to be there regardless of how it looks. I choose flesh, and I wasn’t leaning on the spirit, so it doesn’t matter that I went this way with things. It doesn’t matter what I decided or what I do, I got saved so that you could block me God from what I really wanted to do.
Can’t really do much of the destruction I feel with the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me, that’s connected to my conscious and all. Things pretty much get blocked. Regina Ann, walked away from me, so that means that she doesn’t want to deal with my battles or who I am. That’s fine, I wanted to be alone anyways to do me. Don’t have to go to work with her tomorrow, someone will help her. She won’t have to struggle or wait on me for an apartment anymore. She can go on right ahead, and find a roommate from the people who won’t be cruel to her.
I hold her back, it feels like I hold her back. It’s not going to be the case anymore, she can fully be bless and receive the gifts you have for her, and anyone else because I won’t be around them. You can do whatever you want to me. Teach me another round of humility by killing my pride. I told her that when we first arrived at the church, people wanted to separate us as friends. They wanted her to join her with them. They can still reach out to her to hang, talk or chill.
“You choose me, just as I am.
You love me, you always have.”
I never fit that mold in any industry that I was in. I never fit that mold and never will. I was always the one who had to wait or share. Why do I have to share when others get bless? I’m still sharing a room with my sister. I’m still sharing myself with others, because I’m supposedly a vessel. I don’t want to share, I want what’s mine to stay mines. I don’t want to share headphones anymore, when I’m the one who has people talking about how emotional I get.
I don’t want people to coach me, you could do that God if you want to. You can do whatever you want to. I’ve already made faith tangible, and lack it in you as well. Don’t have to act like I’m there for people when I’m not. I’m selfish, so I’m going to stay selfish since that’s the only thing I’m getting right. Doesn’t matter what I say or do. I’m always seen as a follower of Regina Ann. So since I’ve placed her, and others on a pedestal; that means I am not giving up my flesh or destructive ways. I’m good. Why am I even listening to worship music? I’m going to stop that. I begged you to talk to me. Remember that God?
None of this even matters, because I’m not growing anyways. I’m not. I’m in a loop of choosing the wrong thing, which is my flesh, and my needs. Shouldn’t even be saying that I surrender, because I’m not even doing that anyways. I’m the one who should be focusing on passing her exams. So God you have that. Do whatever you want. You don’t want to bless me that’s cool. I’m making faith tangible when everyone else is drinking the kool aid instead of your wine.
I get told to wait. You’ve allowed the wrong couples to be married. I’m so over the chaos. You having Regina Ann and I leaving our church, and called us to a church that’s far away. I will still feel like I’m the follower, and that I’m holding back Regina Ann. So she can go where you tell her. Leaving the church was for her, not me. Regina Ann wants to go live in Queens, and would get upset at me from rejecting that idea. She gets to be headstrong at me, but then when I try to give truth it gets rejected. Just because she doesn’t like the answer, then that means I am being paranoid.
She’s annoying, and I don’t care if we drift apart. She will still have her family, and people who support her. I do compete with her. Because I want to win. I never win. Even salvation has a race. But I made it a competition. She’s always ahead, and I’m always behind, apparently I’m blocking my gifts. Nobody asked her. She’s annoying. God you got that. I’m done trying to figure, what’s really up with myself. I’ve lost anyways. You keep showing me that I’m acting in flesh. Let me make it easier for you, and everyone to not even be near them.
My ribcage coming doesn’t change, that he will leave once he sees all of this. He’s like Regina Ann, can’t handle my ish. I don’t want a friend who immediately has a problem, when I’m going through something. And doesn’t know how to handle when I’m upset, but tells me that I’m not there. Then stop talking about someone, who you don’t want to be with, when you do want to be with them. Like we are all fronting. It’s what we are doing. Everyone is annoying.
I’m hurt that I don’t know what I want. I have a bunch of clothes to get rid of, and I have terrible fashion sense. I still have a stomach and I love bread. That should be my profile for online dating sites, do people still use those? Maybe I need to try them. My bio should include bread lover with butter.
I’m hurt that people get to be in their flesh, and get married while I’m the one who’s single and spending another bunch of holidays wondering when will my turn come? Do you know that I truly believe I am destined to be a 40-year old virgin. I’m the girl who is still figuring things out. I still am battling fully surrendering and leaning on you. I listened to drake on the way over, and was probably listening to the voice of the enemy.
I’m not making the right decisions, not fully surrendering, constantly have to be called out. I’m damaging or creating a constant unhealthy sisterhood with Regina Ann*. I am jealous that she will always get hooked up and people want her blessings, and prosperity when I have to struggle. I missed being and working in Staten Island, never got to go to the malls. I’m always blocked from exploring. I’m always block from something. She can go on her own vacation, or live in her own apartment. Other people are doing them. Regina Ann is on a mission to do her.
I don’t know how to truly be vulnerable with you God. How do I truly let you in? What am I missing the mark on? God I’ve played mind games with myself that has lead to these toxic shortcuts. That has lead to wanting to fast forward, or speed up how my walk looks compared to others. I basically have been competing with not only my sister, but competing with myself. Competing whereas now there is a clock in my head, that I have to fight to not feed towards where my life should look and be. Your plans over my own God.
First day at New Life Church Lord, all I kept hearing is that they are here, especially when I was in the restroom. I just want to end the bondages. I want to keep surrendering what I have done, and realizing that it’s you who comes, first no matter what my status is, it’s all about you.
Father God, I say yes to the changes that are here. I walk through these new beginnings, knowing that you are right here by my side. You are guiding me through this ending wilderness. You never stopped wanting me God. Thank you God for loving me so much, to not having me remain spiritually dead.
Father God, I come to you, just wanting you to make clear of all things that is your will. Lord, I pray for greater discernment, and to not feed fear any longer. Fear clouds us, and that leads to poor judgement and feeding the wrong thoughts. And worse the wrong ‘truths’ from our fleshly fears.
I’m tired of seeing facades God. I’m tired of seeing the reels, and feeling so annoyed. I’m tired of seeing the words that were once used to minister to others, are now used as a dig because you called Regina Ann and I somewhere else. People don’t ask questions. People don’t like when you’re not apart of making your wine kool aid.
It hurts being outcasted, that’s what it feels. But it’s time to realize, that what I want and what kool aid seekers want is something else. I want the burning bush. I want the impossible with you. I don’t want to settle for mediocre sermons any longer. I want greater with you as my center. I want better with you as my leader. Man will never lead me or Regina Ann. You have all of me God. I’m fully in. Not looking back. Just facing forward and not turning around.
Father God, at the 6th grade content meeting today, a lot was said and exchanged. A lot of it was the built up of past hurts. The key takeaway, I’ve been speaking on behalf of Regina Ann, when that was never my role or obligation. I blurred the lines of being there and stepping myself in conversations, that had nothing to do with me. I’ve been doing this, because I can’t stand how people immediately hate on her when she is talking or being herself, it really bothers me.
I do it because I’m thinking that she can see that I do have her back, because I falsely believe that she doesn’t speak up for herself enough. I’ve been running around with a lot of hurt feelings, and making decisions on these feelings without consulting you God. I planted a seed of being a representative for her, in an area that she doesn’t need me to represent her in. Father God, I surrender the way, I’ve allowed my clouded emotions to affect my judgment towards everything.
It’s something that I am very weak in, along with listening in terms of allowing others to get a chance to speak. Show me how God to be more of an active listener than talker. Show me how Lord to know when to speak and in fewer words. Lord, take over. How I need you Lord, my weaknesses are on full display this season, but I know that you are with me.
Father God, it’s not easy but I am coming to you wanting, and desiring a growth mindset. I am desiring a renewed mind. I didn’t consider that this would affect how the colleagues, that I work with view all of this, and from what I am doing, it doesn’t allow for a productive work environment. I’m so sorry God, for what I have been bringing to this new school year, which isn’t anything helpful.
Father God I am so tired. The hours of working and going to school full time is draining. Lord, it’s real these muscles that you are building in me, and pushing me towards greater. It’s all leading back to leaning on you for strength. It’s not easy being here and feeling, and walking through another level of being an adult; but walking through the journey that you are directing, and calling the shots in, is worth it. I push for greater obedience, and abiding in you. Thank you Father God.
“All I know is this”
Always Have by Vertical Church Band is my walk down the aisle song, that signifies the joining of two individuals, God ordained and joined as one. It signifies that God always have us no matter the storm, like Psalm 23:4 states “even in the darkest valley” for there’s no need to fear, because God is truly with us, always have, and always will.
Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings siblings!! Xoxo
(*denotes name change for privacy)