I see the damage that I’ve done
And I’ve heard the one who gave me love
It constantly feels like I’m failing. I don’t want to talk about them: why are you pushing me to talk about people who are doing them.
It’s been restful in Long Island God, truly came face to face with a lot. The reality is to surrender daily, but consistency is what makes room for this daily work to happen. If I’m not consistent in how I spend time with you God, then there’s no consistency in anything that I do. You’re a God of order, not chaos. Consistency doesn’t allow for chaos to come in. Good habits also make room for you to bring order in my life. Of course God, there will be the times of shake-ups, when you deemed them to be necessary. I seek you through all of this, and just constantly in search to find peace. To be in stillness, and not be attracted to chaos entering my life.
I truly love the show “fixer upper” I love seeing renovations, and just seeing something new from the dust of brokenness be evolved into a new creation.
I can never overcome
But you never left me one my own
The first official day of school. Exciting right God! This is a whole new ball game of expectations and rules. I need you God. I need you. I need you. I’m just going through it with grad school and work. It’s not easy, and I just have been feeling toxic emotions, and bitterness towards Regina Ann* I’m upset that I had to wait for her in terms of studying or even doing any task. And then it seemed like when I want to do something, it was never the right time for her. I would have to wait, and then see that she has moved on to something else. She’s going to do well, because she already has the favor.
I want to also do well, and can’t stand to see, that I’m waiting and waiting. There’s a deliberate slowing down. It feels like I’m looking like a fool. Everyone wants to do their own thing at their own pace anyway. No one wants to do this walk your way God. I get that Regina Ann handles stress and anxiety different from me. I don’t let mine slow someone else down. I’m so over this.
The fact remains that I’m waiting. I hate it. It’s rough. It’s rough when you are the one waiting, and it feels like the one that you’re waiting on is surpassing you. So you’re waiting in vain. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t go through this fall semester with decent grades when I’m the one waiting, and the other person has better grades than I do. I can’t go through this again. I went through this over the summer, and it crushed me how I would speak up, about wanting to do something and not even even know if Regina Ann was speaking to me in spirit or flesh. I want to be successful.
I don’t have a family that has connects. Everytime I wanted to make a phone call to a realtor or broker or someone about an apartment, I would get blocked. How when we don’t even sit down together to look at prices? I cannot focus on them. I can’t when I have deadlines to hit. They are not focusing on us. You got them. I need to focus on what I have to do. It’s hard going from not having friends who were never there for me, to having a friend that always is. But it’s not looking like how I want. It’s not even about the waiting, it’s about how I’m not focused on you God. I’m not. I’m focused on passing these courses and doing well. I’m focused on getting promoted. I’m focused on getting a higher gpa. You are a struggle for me to be a forefront, and that’s being up front and real. You are.
I’m reading the bible asking you for spiritual growth, and then to get told that it requires going to that next step. You are holding me back and I look like a mess. I wanted to cut all my hair off. Why is everything with you God rules and correction? I’m so over it God. I’m so over it. Why should I even come to you when no one even understands me when I talk. God I just want you. I can’t continue anymore. I can’t. I’m being constantly attacked, and it affects my friendships especially with Regina Ann. I made a mistake, I have harbored and internalized everyone’s negative feelings towards her, and now its to the point that we are not the same. I’m not angry at Regina Ann, I’m not angry about the apartment not coming, I’m angry at God. I’m angry that I am being taught patience and stillness.
I don’t want to have the serious conversations with leadership, about not getting the grades necessary to pass. I didn’t build any relationships. I don’t like how the focus in my space is them. Forget them, they won’t help me or Regina Ann graduate, won’t pay my bills, won’t do anything, them is a waste of focus. What you keep showing God, is not matching reality. And, I’m at the space if it’s you saying that it is them, then you will make a way. What Regina Ann and I have to do is trust you. She is so over them. We both are.
I can’t continue with these emotions. I can’t. I can’t continue to feel like I want to do my own thing, and I want to actually do something meaningful. It feels like I’m not. I’m stuck in this constant battle between flesh and spirit. I am constantly choosing wrong thing. Don’t have Regina Ann near me God. Don’t continue this dysfunctional loop God. Don’t continue this wrong thing that I breed around her. Don’t. I love her too much to want her around this. My struggle is toxic to her, it’s not fair to continue this.
Lord, I give these hurt emotions to you. I give you the feelings of hurt and numbness. I just want to shut down, and be closed off from people. But I can’t get upset about how someone lives their life. I have to be focus on you, so I surrender my hurt God. You know where they are rooted from. I choose to no longer be affected by my pain, because honestly it does more hinderance than good. It creates and feeds the wrong thing like growing bitterness, resentment and anger. I surrender these things Lord, because they are not of you. Father God, I choose peace, joy and love the fruits of the spirit.
I need forgiveness for my soul
Give me redemption, make me whole
I think the roles have switch where Regina Ann takes what I say really strongly. She maybe reacting emotional to how I feel instead of understanding that it has nothing to do with her. It’s between me and where I am with you God. She went through intense storms starting last year, and all I could do was be there with her through it. But it’s me going through my own pruning process now, and it doesn’t look the same way. I was more focused on a guy that showed me attention, than what Regina Ann asked me to do. I was focused on me. I’ve been battling the boy craziness that comes out in me, and the way I’m looking for someone to date. It’s because of me trying to block or deny what God has been telling me.
It’s taking too long, and the pruning process is too hard to be waiting, what feels like I’m waiting in vain. It’s a constant struggle, and fight because of having to dig deep, leaning on the spirit, and praying that it’s truth that she received. Me vocalizing that made her say that she’ll never ask me again the request she asked. I’m like that’s between you and God. My battle is with the Lord and he is the ONLY solution.
What is it that I’m doing wrong God, please show me? I’m getting it’s because I’m choosing myself? I’m choosing me. It’s what I’ve known to do for so long. Today I put a stranger over Regina Ann’s needs because I knew it would block getting anything about the future that you won’t stop telling me about. She’s right though I’m highly upset, that you blocked this ribcage you have for me, to not cater to my broken ways and selfishness. She called a spade a spade. I’m upset that God blocked my selfish needs being met by a man. The thing is I just want to give up my virginity. My flesh will be meet by sex. I want to date a guy regardless of his status and just wreck havoc. I want sex. I want flesh. I want to destroy and not build up. I want to do the wrong things. Here’s the truth of where I’m at God. The fact that I respond and change quickly to anger and not to love.
I respond better to when I push Regina Ann to the edge and she snaps at me, instead of when she’s speaking in love. I try her patience every single day. I do. I try her in every sense of the word. I go for what she has because it’s what I choose to want to do. I’ve chosen to want destructive and broken flesh. I’ve actively chosen to want the wrong thing because I don’t feel chosen. So I’m feeding my flesh. I am/was aiming for the feeding my selfish ways.
I’m like God really is blocking and doing things around me. I see people as how will they benefit me. This is something that I would constantly witness from my parents growing up. Especially my father. I didn’t know about serving or helping out, because I was actually taught to be selfish. We did share food, through my mother’s cooking during specific holidays, but it was because it will be requested to be cooked.
Growing up my views of what can someone do for me, came from them; but I must take accountability because I allowed that seed to keep growing. I chose to feed, and fostered viewing people this way. I have to surrender all of this God.
I get why I’m not with my ribcage. This brokenness is chaotic and detrimental. I was more damage than good. Before these revelations, I truly believed that I was good. I was believing in the bad seeds that I grew. I held on to it tightly. I refused to see all of this, but through so many moments of seeing things for what they truly are God, I have to and need this to all end.
I come to you laying down all of the barren fruit of selfishness, jealousy, bitterness, and chaos. Lord I come to you surrendering, and letting go all of this in me. It’s not allowing you God to transform me to who I am called to be. I have to choose to let these traits go. Lord, I surrender this all too you. I say yes to you and change, and please continue to remove and prune me for the daughter I’m called to be. I just say yes. I choose love and peace over chaos. I choose truth over flesh. I choose you God over the emptiness of the world. Please continue to work in me. Please hold me accountable God in this section of me.
Even though I try myself
I can never overcome
You still walk with me when I’m wrong
I am very negative God and I am such a pessimist. I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate, to Regina Ann what my plans are. But her approach towards when I mess up is wrong. I’m going to take the accountability for this, and just do the work myself, because I’m the one who did not message the change correctly. I’m the one who failed to communicate, because I was in my head trying to sought out things, and not voice them out loud. The thing that bothers me the most God is that everyday Regina Ann and I are being attacked by the enemy, but also I have to see that you use every moment for your glory to prune us and release us from the bondages that were kept buried deeply. Digging deep is now the constant thing, that I must aim to do, along with asking you to hold me accountable. I need your constant daily truth. I thank you Lord in advance for this as I grow more in love with you. I thank you for working in me, and in Regina Ann. I thank you for using everything that we go through as sisters to make us better daughters for your purpose. I thank you for showing both of us no matter what, we will be sisters forever. We love you God.
Back To You by Tim Bowman Jr., on his Listen album came across my ears today. I was lead to the song and truly felt that it spoke to me about wanting to desire more of the truth and not myself. To desire more of what it is that God is trying to tell me than what I think I can tell myself. It’s the song of how the fight to be aligned to God must truly come from a place of surrender and daily seeking him through large or small moments. Shifting my mindset and pushing myself to see that every opportunity that I can I must speak life not death. Speak words that uplift and have others grow and be lead and motivated to seek the Lord for their own walkways with him. Back To You, speaks on how we often seek ourselves to put an end to what is coming from the flesh, instead of asking God to work in us to do the true removal from his spirit. It’s all about resetting the mind to see its not about me or the company, it’s about the consistent desire of knowing how much you need God, and the daily seek after him.
And they say the ones you love don’t never leave you
Though at times they’re too far away
Alone, alone I’m lost
I won’t, no I won’t run from the truth
So I’m coming back to you
So I’m coming back to you
So I’m coming back to you
So I’m coming back to you
Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo
(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)