I apologize Abba for putting people on pedestals. I place them there. I apologize for what I have been doing. Lord, I need you in these weary days, that I face where I’m just needing you to guide me in seeing, and recognizing this about myself. Father God, why do I do this? I believe that no one I put on the pedestal will make mistakes, when in fact we are all flawed, or is it still due to my validation in man? I just come to you God wanting more than where I am, I just want more of you God. I want more breaks in my work schedule to have bible study time with you. I want to push myself to call you dad, when I’m talking to you. Is there a distance between God? I’m sorry I put us there. I come to you just wanting you to show me how to be. I choose the stillness over chaos. I choose the truth over the lies, I choose peace over wealth. I need the word and lately I’ve been slacking on drawing closer to you I feel. Can you help me?
Have you grown tired
Of feeling alone
Not to earth
Not to the soul
Eyes wide open
Unafraid to be alive
You’re living and you’re breathing
Feels like the very first time
Father God, I come to you Dad just surrendering and laying down my selfish flesh. It’s what holds me back from connecting with others truly on a deeper level.
Father God, it’s been several Sunday’s now, since I’ve left the church that was home for almost three years. Since leaving God things have changed rapidly. My walk and relationship with you has quicken. There has also been the fight to cling to you, and the stillness through the trenches of this walk. Father God, I found salvation and began serving, in the church you pulled me out of. There was a lot going on, that I was dealing with that I was unable to vocalize at the time. Church hurt is real God. It’s the type of hurt where I see how much more broken your children, who know the word are, than those who don’t know your name. Being saved for many, at the old church became a popularity of what you can bring to the table, or how you look as opposed to whether you’re heart is right with you God.
The youth pastor at the time was one of the first people I meet. It feels like yesterday, when he asked if we knew anyone at the church; and we would respond that we didn’t. Because to be honest, the truth was Regina Ann* and I didn’t even know that the black shirt wearing people were volunteers, and they were suppose to be introducing themselves to us at the time. The shirts were weird to us but we were there for Jesus. It took a while for us to understand they were leaders, who were supposed to welcome us.
The second time around when it was the day of my baptism, the same pastor again asked if we knew people, and we had names because of how we were arriving at the time, to been able to wait on the line and be greeted. That eventually changed God, when we were coming to church more and more both Sunday and Friday services. The shift and the reception was becoming more obvious towards people noticing us, versus those who become onlookers. Like Regina Ann and I were spectators to observe. I remember when some of these black shirt people were cold and standoffish. That happened immediately after the night of power hour one Friday.
The reception from women who are supposedly well known women, in this church was very disrespectful. That’s not godly or biblical. That was not the case for some. Along the way God you weeded out those who were meant to be involved in my life, and those who weren’t. The fact remains that many of your daughters God are in a loop, a cycle that they haven’t received is over, and it’s time to move on from that church; and that black shirt cycle, the same way you lead Regina Ann and I to move on.
Serving became a routine where it felt like the coordinators of the ministry didn’t want feedback or new ideas but just wanted robots. After being in the church for a full whole year God, things were really starting to show me that the church was not where I was, especially after several pastors left. That should of been Regina Ann and myself signal to leave too. It started to feel like Groundhog Day. We were repeating the same day in a year timespan.
You will make your way
For the valleys of your soul
Coming home to the truth
To the truth about the world
Father God leaving the church was a decision that was challenging to see at the time. Now seeing how much freer I feel to worship and be aligned in the spirit wasn’t something that I was receiving at the church you just pulled me out of. Everything became routine. People were wanting to not dig deep, or talk about spiritual warfare. Often times when I speak to others about what you have revealed to me they were not willing to be in the space to understand. Or question me to attempt to make me doubt how clearly I understand how you speak to me God. I did not fully understand what a blessing that was until I’m no longer in that routined loop. It became clearer and clearer that you had my walk to be completely different from what others have witnessed or gone through. I’m set apart.
Church hurt happens because the desire to become one with the body gets halted; due to the tunnel vision of everyone wanting their own needs met. Or others so focused on having a certain look with leadership. Or even that push for the wrong couples. All very subtle worldly practices while singing holy spiritual praises in the same breath. That’s like having faith and worry at the same time.
The truth is God, I’m way past the church hurt. The focus is saying yes to you without any reservations or conditions. I’ve conditioned myself to do that, and that’s what created the barren fruits and weeds to keep growing. I miss him. The fact remains that I must lay down these remaining walls, that I have with you God. As I draw closer to you by calling you Dad, and not allowing the strangeness of this name to cause me to take a step back, and limit how I truly see you. You are a good good father. Lord, the church hurt can easily be triggered. Coming to New Life for some Sunday’s now, I can begin to see that some folks are collecting, and seeing that we are new to the community. Things are different now, yes I was hurt and felt unwelcome, but I was also protected and blocked from being involved in heartbreak, and foolishness.
I was protected from dating someone, and figuring out the limbo of whether marriage is in involved. I was protected from marrying the wrong man. Marriages is the beginning of the platform, that you have for those who you joined together. Marriage is a ministry and an edification for your kingdom. Marriage is more than having sex without guilt. Marriage is more than just a tax right off. Marriage is more than just a status filler. It’s not about who I feel is best suited for me. As I choose to draw closer to you God on this walk, it’s making those connections that my life is truly not my own. That means who you have for me, is your decision and was never mine.
I’ve been feeding and brewing a spirit of chaos and destruction father God. I’ve been seeing this within myself more and more God. I’m at the point where I’m being halted, because that spirit needs to be surrendered and bind so that your Holy Spirit can be the only true spirit that dwells in me. Show me God how to shield myself from just absorbing the wrong emotions, and acting them out. I pray God when I surrender these emotions and feelings to you, that I am opening and allowing you to take these emotions, instead of holding on to them like I normally do. The mentality of feeding that I’ve been wronged, and disservice has lead to this place. The level of liking my feelings of chaos and destruction is disturbing. Father God, these are things that I’ve know about myself for a while that I can no longer hide. I truly wanted to sweep these things under the rug. It’s what I’ve always done, hide and remain secretive. Allow things to remain in the dark and I didn’t want anyone to know, because acknowledgment meant identifying, and taking accountability for these things.
It meant expressing to someone else what I’ve been dealing with. That’s the thing with control, it becomes the battle of what can I grip or have a handle on, instead of going to you God and asking you to continue to work in me to make me whole. It’s the battle of why flesh is so weak and why secrets, and skeltons hinders us more than the lie we believe we will be free. The truth is, secrets and lies creates more bondages. It’s a problem if these issues are not being addressed, or brought to light and that truly began to happen once the shift was made to began to attend another church. The shift was made within me to dig deeper on what is going on with me. To dig deeper on what I’ve been feeding and not allowing for God to remove in me. When I cling to something it’s another way of stating that I like it. I like what it does for me and to me, although it’s not healthy for my walk or for those near me, as long as I like it than that’s what mattered to me. That is the light that is exposing this particular area of my life. Picking up the jealousy and envy that people feel towards me, and Regina Ann is not of you God. Fix the hearts of others and we pray for them God. Our sword is lifted for them. We continue to choose love, and rise above in the calling you have us in. All these stretching moments are overwhelming but thank God you blessed us with each other. Thank God we get to walk through this journey together as real sisters. Thank God for real sisterhood a prayer we both asked for for so long. Your timing is truly best.
The Truth About The World sung by Andrea Marie off her Low album resonates with how life has been since leaving the old church. The truth is the old church served its purpose, and God is bringing Regina Ann and I to the next glory in our walk. There is this church hurt. Church search, and the renewal process that begins when starting over, from beginning, especially with a new church. The process of letting go of how things use to be or what familiarity brings; verses to what’s purposeful for me and my relationship with God. God has to be the primary choice, because he is first in my life; therefore, where he leads I shall follow. I just say yes.
Everyone is hurting
Everyone is searching
Everyone is looking
For the truth about love
For the truth about God
For the truth about the world
Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!!
(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)