Wyn's Playlist

© Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com, 2014-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Prayer Entry #1 — October 30, 2016

Prayer Entry #1

Father God be with your daughter, you know every strand on her head, just be with her God. She needs you in facing the realities of her decisions, and understanding what you’ve allowed her to walk through, is all part of her purpose and testimony. 

Father God, be with your daughter as she begins to transition to womanhood, from the in between phase she’s in now. Be with your daughter as she chooses to trust you, and lean on you as you guide her. Father I pray through her revelations, she open eyes, and she sees that she cannot do this on her own. 

Her reject for needing help from others, creates the self-made facades of false dependence. She cannot do this on her own. Father God, surround her with sisters, and her family who will truly push her to draw closer to you God. Push your daughter to see things from your views of infinite wisdom. 

Father God, lead this beautiful daughter down your ways and paths. For as we all once thought we knew better than you God, when the truth is, we never will. Father God, you have her and thy will be done. Thy kingdom come. In Jesus name, we say amen.


Note
: God has pressed it on my heart to start writing out prayers for his daughters, my sisters. So this is the first entry. I am truly shock that God is creating this space in my blog dedicated to prayers for his daughters. I am in awe as he will take over and put the words in my heart to write out. God you lead I just say yes to your plans for this blog. Amen. 

Advertisements
Have You Seen —

Have You Seen

Have you seen my current theme?

Have you seen that my current theme has not changed since the survival of the hunger games?

Have you seen my mockery?

Have you seen my battles with flesh as it dies?

Have you seen my consistencies that change the way that I play this game?

Have you seen my victories, God is fighting on the battle side?

Have you seen my constancies knowing what’s worth the victor’s side?

Have you seen you and me, trying to fight alongside?

Have you seen what you’ve done to me change me up from the inside?

Have you seen my constancies, fighting alongside my Victor’s Crown.?

Have you seen my constancies fighting alongside you? 

Have you seen my current theme? 

Have you seen how I’ve shunned out pride?

Have you seen my constancies? Its about you and I..

done…

Take Me There  —

Take Me There 

Take me to the place where your peace and you love overflows

Where my heart is set free from all the shame and guilt,

Chains are undone.

Take me there.

Take me there.

10/30/16

God work in me to see things not in fear but spiritually. I pray for higher discernment God, and understanding through using wisdom and my spiritual lens. Not wanting to lean on my own understanding. Father God, you have me and Regina Ann* in the next season that approaches us. You have us. 

Take me to the place where your peace and your love overflows

Where my heart is set free from all the shame and guilt

Chains are undone.

Take me there, take me there 

Take me there, take me there

I condemned this ribcage you keep showing me God. I made something small, bigger than it needed to be. I was willing to forgive someone else. I thought I was doing a great job, of guarding and protecting my heart, but I wasn’t. I was playing god. I was acting like I knew all the answers, and how to cover myself, when I didn’t know anything. I played a dangerous game. I played a game of unforgiving, and I’m supposedly a Christian. 

I want to know what it feels like

When Heaven touches earth and I’m caught in between

I want to know what it feels like

For the glory of the Lord to fall on me

Take me there, take me there

Take me there, take me there

I played a game of focusing on myself. I did it wrong and strongly God. That’s probably why there’s been a huge sense of condemnation, on my heart because it’s leads me condemning others. Father God, I come to you surrendering this trait in me. Father, I messed up on how I handle things, godly, but you are showing me that forgiveness is where peace is. I pray for him God, that he can find forgiveness in his heart towards me, but I also pray that God you continue to show him how to love unconditionally and how to forgive with no regrets. Father God, you have all of this. I just can’t. I have no choice but to trust you in this. 

Take me to the place

Where Your angels never cease to cry holy

Where the elders bow down

And cast all of their crowns down at Your feet

Take me there, take me there

Take me there, take me there

Cause I need to know

Father God, walk with your daughter that you’ve been pressing on my heart heavily since January 2016. Give her the strength she needs, she has to go through, as she walks in your revelations that she needs to face. Walk with her as she learns how to embrace truth, and changes that are right here, right now. Father God, move in her wrong so that there is peace in what is meant to be done in your name God. Whatever is your road for these two souls, I pray for them to see the signs of their flesh, instead of denial about what’s going on for your truth. Father God, let peace and surrender wash over these two souls and let your work be done. Amen. 

I want to know what it feels like

When Heaven touches earth and I’m caught in between

I want to know what it feels like

For the glory of the Lord to fall on me

I need this ribcage you keep showing me God. I realize that after today’s sermon, that my being silent in my pursuit only hindered me, and lead to condemnation. The leaning on my own understanding, lead to a spiral of other things. What I didn’t do God was go to you, and be vulnerable. Like I said, I thought I had to do this on my own. That was never the case was it God? 

Take me there, take me there

Take me there, take me there

‘Cause I wanna be with You where You are


Take me there, take me there

Take me there, take me there


You wanted for me to be dependent on others; therefore, you wanted me to be dependent on this ribcage you keep showing me. My expectations created walls that I had in my head. Because I thought I had to protect my heart from what was going on. 

And You come like a rushing wind

I can’t speak or stand

Just cry holy 


And you come like a rushing wind 

I can’t speak or stand 

Just cry holy 


And you come like a rushing wind 

I can’t speak or stand 

Just cry holy 



And you come like a rushing wind 

I can’t speak or stand 

Just cry holy 




You are now showing me God that being vulnerable, was me not creating any of my false god perceptions that were all lies. I don’t have anything down pact. I am a weak human who needs you, and seeing that through needed you I need your people as well. I need humans. I need Regina Ann. I need this man. I needed to be dependent on your people. I needed to be dependent, and I didn’t show that, instead I decided on my own to show, the falsify lies that I was good. I’m far from good. I’m sensitive, and I’m needy. I’m lovable that needs to love and love others. I’m flawed and condemn myself that is fearful of being hurt by others especially this man you keep showing me. I have this self protective way of not allowing myself to be hurt by others first, so I hurt first. This is Wynee’s understanding not God’s. Wreck my beliefs and everything not of you God. Make me healthy emotionally and spiritually. Take me there. I’m ready.

Listen to Anna Golden‘s Take Me There, and you will understand why this song was chosen. Her voice literally touches the core of the soul towards bringing to understanding that we are called to go to a higher plane with God. So we simply must just seek and request him to take us there, take us to that place where dependable and vulnerability is not on ourselves, but pushes to seek and his people in asking for help. 

 And You fall like a mighty rain

Overtaking me with Your glory



And You fall like a mighty rain

Overtaking me with Your glory



Holy, Holy, Lord God almighty

Worthy King of Heaven



Holy, Holy, Lord God almighty

Worthy King of Heaven


Just when I thought I couldn’t go 

You take me deeper

You pull me closer

And you show me more 







Happy Reading!! Happy Listening!! Blessings!!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Drowning  — October 28, 2016

Drowning 

You keep overwhelming me 

You keep on rushing in, and I can’t breathe

Suffocating over you

And I can’t escape I’m in too deep

This must be the way it feels

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning 


10/16/16

Father God today as I’m getting ready to head over to the Breast Cancer Walk with my mom and meet up with Regina Ann* and B*, there was never a thought that once we leave the house, we will see the cruelty and brokenness of humanity so strongly. Father God, on our way over to the walk, just the nasty argument that happened between your sons and daughter, was too much to bare. Father God the bullying I witnessed and seeing that boy has been feeling alone for his entire life. The way that that pain was felt, and how he’s been having to fight against this cruelty, Jesus. The anger and rage of chaos and brokenness that this world exchanges with one another, is hard to see. It’s hard to conceptualize, because this is your world God. This is your planet, when will we as people see how you are love, and this hate/fighting should not be happening. 

God, how we need you. How we need you so badly God. Be with all three individuals who were involved in the fight, and praise God that the people on the bus were telling the man with the disability to stay on the bus. They told him he’s safer on the bus. They told him don’t engaged. Father God, how many of your children just want to hear that they are safer here with you? How many of your children need to hear they are safe with you, in order to truly believe!? When will we stop making faith tangible as people? Father God, this morning’s reality showed me how much we have to pray not only for your Earth, but for heaven to crash on earth. 

 This must be the way it feels

This must be the way it feels

This must be the way it feels

This must be the way it feels

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning




10/17/16

My midterm is due today God, this is hard. This is all hard, where everyday instead of living from paycheck to paycheck, I’m living from assignments to assignments. This is tough. These emotions that I feel, I just want to be remove from them. I just want to move on with my life. It all feels like I’m a narcissist, that chooses to harm herself in delving in these emotions. I’m just too through with feelings God. I think I’m insane to be bothered by no response from what you lead me to do God. That hurts and stings to type that. It hurts and stings to be in this space. 

Please God wake me up from this horrible dream, of having feelings for someone who is not in my space. Wake me up God from having feelings for someone who isn’t able to reciprocate them. Please God change this path that I am on. Change my whole path. Change my whole life. I just want to move on to somewhere else already. NYC isn’t where I want to be anymore, my heart is longing for somewhere far. Lord take me there, will you please, so that I can be set free. For too long I’ve naively believe that things would happen between me and this guy.

Father God, today was rough. The problems that I had with uploading my files for my midterm was so hard, and such a lesson on how much God I have to trust you with however my grades turned out. God, I just feel so tired mentally and emotionally; I’m drained of the entire day that I had. I just need to know God why does it get harder, why must emotions come out. Lord, how I need you. As you work in me God and push me to not turn people and things into idols or an escape from feeling or from allowing you to work in me. God, how at the end of the day, I need you. God I need you. Just with whatever tidal wave that comes next. 

My lack of being able to communicate God is a problem, and my lack of understanding with having discomfort of not knowing bothers me. Please help me in those areas God, please guide me in being a better listener and communicator. I am very weak in those areas. I am so aggressive in the wrong areas God, and I need your help with that. I need you to show me what to do in meetings, sisterhoods, and conversations. I pray for my constant ways of making assumptions don’t continue anymore. Hold me accountable Lord, from saying empty words and to instead speak truth. Push me God to be upfront. Father God, show me what to do. I need you God. I need you to just push me to no longer lean on my own understanding, and instead seek you Dad. You have all the wisdom, but instead too many times I often lean on my own understanding. There’s no wisdom leaning on what I know. All there is just a lot of hurdles I put in front of myself. Father God, I seek you with the nonsense that I demand from you. Father God, fix heart on how demanding, and entitled I feel I am. God fix my ways and mindset on how I am with things. The only way I respond to something is through harsh words or anger from someone to get my attention. Why is that God? Why can’t I respond to things in love? Why can’t I be a better listener to Regina Ann or to others? Why can’t I just be there? Why am I so tired? God you have me. 

 I can feel the tide is rushing in

But I’m incapable to break the waves

Like all of me is tied to an anchor

And I can’t let go

This must be the way it feels, mmm

When I’m drowning

When I’m drowning




10/20/16

God can I hear from you? Can I hear your truths? No more that he loves me. I just want you God to lead me to your waters, so that I can continue to grow in you. I can’t continue to do this but why. I have to press forward and move on. Show me how God. Just walk me through these next few hard months, where they will start. Where they will happen. Lord I’m letting go. Use this pain, and hurt for your glory, but Lord I’m letting go. I surrender, don’t need to hold on. I just want to walk in to an empty church and sing your songs. Praise your name through these emotions. Sing it out. Lord, put a new song in my heart.

Lord, what are the questions do I need to ask? I have to be a masochist that loves to get hurt. I’m torturing myself because you’re showing me that I am. Father God, walk me through all of this on top of the stress of going to grad school. Just walk me through life especially in this particular season. Father God, how I need you. 

Use what I am going through God for your glory. Use what I am going through to be free, from all bondages and just to trust you. Just to be free in who you are calling me to be. What do you want to start asking you God? What are the questions you want me to seek you in answering? God I come to you saying I want your will and trust you above all. I seek you God. I just seek you. Because I’m free from the pedestals, and bondages and brokenness that I was carrying. Clean my heart God. 


 This must be the way it feels
This must be the way it feels

This must be the way it feels

This must be the way it feels

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning
When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning

When you’re drowning




10/23/16

God, what are my issues? Why is there so much fear in my heart? Fear that I will fall down the stairs of the train station, and be handicap due to how banged up my knee is. Fear paralyzes us as flawed humans, to believe we are better off than we can see or understand the blessings that God has for us. Fear allows for us to no longer take leaps, of facing ourselves because of the reaction of others. God I have so much fears, that I have been holding in for so long. The fears that I have are because I have my walk and faith so tangible. My fears were due to me thinking that I had to control and patrol, because of how things were looking for me. It’s hard for me to write this out God, I’m actually quite struggling because identifying what causes my fear, will actually free me. Identifying what’s really the issues that I need to bring to God within me. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to know them. I don’t want to own them.

Father God, show me about myself. Reveal the truths about me that I am avoiding and wanting to hide and buried. Reveal who I am God to me, I’ve for so long battled what it is that I want or am looking for. It’s crazy how everyone identifies that I am in a space of god what is it that I want or desire, reveal your ways to me father.
10/25/16

Father God, I choose stillness and choose your plans. I choose your steps. I choose to drown in you. God I want my trials and tribulations to look a certain way. I want this struggle and hurdles to look a certain way. I want this struggle to be over. I’m unhappy with everything that’s happening in my life. I’m unhappy with my size. I’m unhappy with supervisors tripped up on their pedigree and see the determination to make my life challenging because I have a brain, and a voice I am not afraid to use. I’m not afraid to be a strong woman that makes sense and I’m not afraid to correct incompetence regardless of someone’s title. No one has a higher title than you God. Therefore I work for you not these difficult people I see everyday. 

God it’s hard to love. God I’m overwhelmed by what I pick up at work, how overwhelmed and in over their heads everyone around me is. And all you keep telling me God is to be still. God I’m in desperate need to show these people, I work with how to love. They don’t know love. They know routines and brokenness. My anxiety is so high from all the chaos, that I work with everyday. No one wants to be bold. Everyone wants to be paralyzed and oppressed. Habits regardless if they’re good or not, get picked up. That’s the hardest part about all of this. Being a light in this thick cloud of darkness. What is stillness looking like to you God? I don’t think I’m doing this right. Today I searched for it God. I need to walk in your expectation. Not mine, not the worlds, you’re God no one else is my savior. Show me how to be the vessel you need me to be in this season you have me walking in. Keep showing me through your supernatural moments, like yesterday at Starbucks, that you are with me God. Keep covering Regina Ann and I in this madness we both want out of. She wants out of New York so badly too. Keep making it clear what stays, and what goes in both of our lives. Thank you for your protection and love Father God.

Drowning by Derek Minor and V. Rose is such a great song with lyrics and voices that does the song such justice. It’s poetic with lyrics that resound deep feelings and thoughts. My stumble across this song is of great rewards because I seek to trust God as I continue to grow and drown in him. 

This must be, thus must be the way it feels, 

This must be, this must be the way it feels, 

This must be, this must be the way

This must be, this must be the way

This must be, this must be the way it feels,

The way it feels



Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo 

*denotes change for privacy reasons

Still Small Voice  — October 14, 2016

Still Small Voice 

Are You in still small voice

Are You in the roaring thunder

Maybe You’re the inner peace 

Maybe You’re the cloud of wonder

10/12/16

I’m that broken person, who easily trusts the world. I’m that broken God, who says things without thinking. I’m that broken person, who doesn’t know how to be a friend. I’m just that broken person. I’m just that inconsiderate, and I need you so badly Jesus because there’s a loop that I’ve been stuck in. When will I ever break free? When will I stop being in this loop of chaos, and selfishness? Will I ever break free from being insensitive? God just when will I ever be freed from this negativity that I feed. Father God, I need you. Oh God, I’m just so lost, and broken and in need of you. So God, I’m done with everything. I surrender, what do I need to be doing God? What should I be doing? God, can you hear me and reach out to my heart and mind and do the needed correcting. Father God, I need you. Amen 

I’m not here to chase a miracle, 

I’m here to chase the Maker

You don’t have to prove a thing at all 

To prove that You’re my Savior

10/13/16

Father God, I surrender this control that I have to be prepared in case of being blindsided. I’ve been doing this for the later part of my teens until now. Lord, it started as a mechanism that I needed to have because of what I was experiencing growing up. In my head, people would come for me. I thought that I had to come up with things to say in the event it would happen again. I was controlling how my future conversations with others would look like. Lord, I would practice come back for days, and just knew I was prepared. I truly believed at the time that no one had my back, or that no one would understand what I’m going through. It felt like no one knew how to relate to me. For so long just having something to relate to someone on was a stretch for me. I was just in my head Lord planning for things, meanwhile in college on top of all of this happening, I would be having tremors or mental shut downs. I even have panic attacks, and not even have anyone to tell them to. 

So if my mind won’t understand it 

It doesn’t limit Your love 

So Father open up the heavens 

Pour out Your spirit on Earth

It has been a while since I’ve experienced these attacks, they have been triggered around since late August-September, where just the buildup of my workload was beginning to happen. I’m having really intense panic attacks with the mental shut offs. I’m just overwhelm by everything, overwhelm by lies and what’s my reality. Learning to trust you in what my dark is, and trust that specks of light that I see still. Lord, I turn to you just needing your strength, and your Holy Spirt Lord to guide me through these next few days as Lord. 

Cause you’re in the pouring rain

You’re in every breath I breathe in 

You’re in the highest place

Still You never fail to meet me 

I come to you shedding the Wynee little girl mentality, and shedding the leaning on my own understanding through finding my own soother during the difficult conversations, that I have been having lately. I have been really tough to sit down with to discuss critical feedback with a superior. I also make it tough with the bestie, I don’t like constructive criticism, I shut down. I don’t like hearing what’s wrong at all. I don’t want to know, and I want to avoid everything all together. God using them as vessels to call me out of my bull. 

I’m not here to chase a miracle 

I’m here to chase the Maker

You don’t have to prove a thing at all

To prove that you’re my Savior

I surrender my soothers God. I surrender the way I fight to constantly advocate for myself. I don’t need to defend, and fight for brokenness when you’re already fighting for me, and you have the Victor’s Crown. God I surrender these vices, and just come to you wanting your ways and fruits of the spirit reveal every moments. The fruits of the spirit to reveal the day to day of my life. Lord, I no longer need to mentally store images of how to prepare for next time around, instead I invite your small still voice to tell me how to be still, and how to trust you. Lord, I’ll remain still, no need to think deep, because you have the grand master plan. 

So if my mind won’t understand it

It doesn’t limit your love

So Father open up the heavens

Pour Your Spirit on Earth

Father God, I surrender my combative spirit and just ways of making someone feel small. That is not something as a Christ ambassador I should be doing, that’s the opposite of who you’re calling me to be. But Lord, I come to you just saying no more. I have no need to do any of this. I have no need to walk in fear or just be okay with repeating the same broken patterns, because it’s not okay. 

God the other day at work, during professional development, I was acting so ungodly. I’m someone who battles my flesh, yet when I see someone else I’m quick to be judgmental. God you’re a kind King. God you are not a tyrant King. I was being tyrant. You meet all of us God. You love us God, no matter where we are on this journey of life, so who am I to act like I’m some flesh god deciding on what needs to get met. I realize that this insensitivity towards others is a part of my facade of thinking that I’m some chick who has the pass to what’s okay and what’s not. I’m not the authorizer for anything, that facade and dream Lord, I surrender to you. 

I still believe that I’m greater than great when I’m broken, and need you constantly every single day. There’s a level of gratification I want to get but it’s outside of you, and it’s too much of relying on the world. My brokenness of holding on to the world blinds me. How I warped my mind God, how I made this mindset to remain now. You are here to set me free God. Father God, I come to you in needing you desperately, to just make my mindset shift from “I” and “me”, to “You” and “we”. I’m not alone, I was never, but this me against the world mentality has got to drop. You created this world, and have given me the grace to be in it, but not of it. 

My anxieties are high Lord, I’m grieving who I use to be, and now finally seeing that I’m being set free to who you are calling me to be. All the happenings in my life are through you God. ALL of them. I couldn’t lead myself to grad school, that was you. I don’t want to walk through this tough wilderness, I am wanting more than this pitstop. I was aiming for more. 

Now seeing things for what they could be, and the blueprint that exist in what to be. Obedience is meant to set others free. Lord I come to you saying yes to the call that you have for me, and for the rest to join me and what we are lead to do in our kingdom moves. Father God, lead me to those who honor you and want to serve you. Father God, there’s nothing greater than to serve, I come to you. Lord, I serve you in your Holy Name Thank you Dad, Amen. I’m just calling you Dad because you know what, we are growing and getting deeper on this walk together God. And I see that you really are my Dad, and I’m now comfortable enough to call you that now.
Still Small Voice by Anna Golden just speaks the words of what the depth of intimacy that has transpiring between God and I. Father God, thank you for bringing me here. Where I’m bolder about who I’m chasing, and vocalizing more on what I am not chasing because that links to bondages and idols, but the clear view of who I’m chasing, solely Jesus. 

So if my mind won’t understand it

It doesn’t limit your love

So Father open up the heavens

Pour Your Spirit on Earth


So come in move 

Come in move

Come in move 

Come in move


I’m not here to chase a miracle 

I’m here to chase the Maker

You don’t have to prove a thing at all

To prove that you’re my Savior

Happy reading!! Happy Listening!! Blessings fellow siblings!! Xoxo

Caught  — October 10, 2016

Caught 

She’s spoken

She’s broken 

Forever chosen, forever spoken 

Bonds are broken 

Words are choking 

She has chosen her female purpose

Her platform was not chosen 

Her purpose was not driven 

All things Christ is not in it

What can she get away with 

Nothing, the Lord dealt with it 

Her past is the last chance 

Her purpose has no stance

Whatever they do, it’s up to you 

Whatever they say, you the truth

The past is undone, the words are unwrought 

Say what you say, but mean what you do

Forever and true are in you 

Holy Lamb is what you choose 

Thank you for being true

So done of well put rules 

Highlight what’s good in you

My sights are stuck on you 

You’re good, release on two 

 

Done. 

Brung — October 9, 2016

Brung

That’s why she’s walking through the mountain

That’s why she’s getting prune

He is healthy

He is prune

He loves but don’t know what to do

Her touch he lingers for

Her muse to abuse

No matter what the outcome, he chooses you

 

She’s a victim in paradise

Thinks all the marbles are nice

Wakes up to find the ruse

Wakes up to more abuse

How come is the outcome

Victory will be outdone

So she chooses the ruse and bruises too

 

You know what I’ve done

You know what victory had brung

Stalemate and victor’s plate is not of you

Done.

 

Turning Away  —

Turning Away 

 I wonder how I get hereWhat did I do to get here

Somehow I made the wrong turn and now I’m lost and burned 

In my mess I feel deep because my flesh was weak 

But now I hear Your voice and I’m making the choice 

10/5/16

October is always that point God where the season change is both figuratively, tangibly and supernaturally. October is that month God, where finding you was what I was seeking. Lord, the season has change where our relationship Dad has gotten deeper. I see things in a whole new way, and I am learning to seek you even more with what I am seeing. Dad, you have me and I have to see that for a long while I was spiritual dead, which on top of that truth I keep feeding fear, and wanting to not come off as spiritual weird. Lord, I was not going to you with these thoughts, or the other thoughts that were popping up. I wasn’t seeking you on everything. Father God, how I pray to just hear the voice of truth, which is you only. I don’t want to keep struggling with the voice of self-filling and flesh gratifying needs. Father God, I come to you Lord, seeking you in regards to all of this because I can easily get caught up in the highlight reels, and the lies that people often display God. 

Father God, my goals, and my dreams, will they ever be met?

I’m turning away from the things that I do 

That aren’t pleasing in Your sight 

I’m turning away from the messed up mindset 

And things that I know aren’t right 

I’m turning away from the past, the hurt and shame

All things that had me bound 

I’m turning away, turning away 

10/7/16

I am just waiting on you God to move me. Just waiting on you to change me, or tell me what to do. “Wit U” by Drake kept playing in my head today. Don’t know what’s going on with me God, because I haven’t touch secular music in months. Gave it up in pursuit of surrendering my life to you fully. Secular music is distracting and feeds my flesh, which does not draw me closer to you God. I’ve come to moments in my life in seeing that only worship music can uplift me. It’s the constant communicator between you and I Dad, worship music. I pray for your truth in this God and for you to reveal what it is that I’m not connecting. 

It’s been some days since I read the word God. I pray Lord to no longer allow for a day to pass for me to read the word, and I pray to be more diligent about reading the word especially since you’re moving me from glory to glory. 

When temptation tries to lure me off my course 

I will choose you, I’ll choose you 

Cause I’ve been there and I’m not going there no more 

Said I want a new start I’m giving you my heart 

From your love I never want to depart

10/8/16

What’s there to talk about God? What’s more to discuss I hear a small voice tell me that I’m called to single-hood. Lord, I’m okay to go through that journey. 

It hurts the no reply back from emailing him. It hurts that I had to that. It makes me feel like we are never going to happen because I took him seriously as someone that I will have a future with. I’m just so confuse and scared with what the reality is. What’s my reality God? What is it that I’m not facing? It hurts to wake up everyday and see that I’m getting older and I’m not sharing my happy moments with someone. I never got to date. You would always block it. But God how long must I wait? Oh am I suppose to be even waiting? Should I see the truth in that my life has been called to go down another path that I didn’t realize or rejected. 

God when you remove the hidden secrets that lie in my heart and bring them to the surface. You are cleaning out my heart and soul with all the impurities that I had towards being obsessed with marriage, finding a soulmate, and even my friendship with Regina Ann* Lord I was searching and wanting to make decisions, and moves for myself because I truly believe that there were no promises given to me and that I had to go out and seek my own blessings. This obsession manifested itself into an unhealthy and paralyzing idol. Often times it’s hard to realize that I’m putting work, career, school, lesson planning and even money into an idol; and become obsessed with wanting to be seen as great or living off the words of man instead of realizing that I’m in a place of where God has called me to be. I’m doing my assignment. And I’ve lost sight of that God and lost sight of other things because I thought my blessings weren’t coming. I’m not still enough. It’s hard for me to be still. I’m very impatient. I want what I want and I want it now. I want to make what I want happen. It’s all apart of my control. I have severe control issues. Father God, I come to you seeking you in making room for you to pull out the weeds in my heart. Father God, Dad, I need you God to continue to remove all the weeds, idols and all obsessions in my life. 

I’m turning away from the things that I do 

That aren’t pleasing in Your sight 

I’m turning away from the messed up mindset 

And things that I know aren’t right 

I’m turning away from the past, the hurt and shame

All things that had me bound 

I’m turning away, turning away 

10/9/16

Father God, I’m just grateful for another day. I’m grateful that I’m alive for another day. Dad, I’ve been noticing that I mentally store things, and then I later am thinking or dwelling on them, and then trying to think of ways to approach a particular person or situation. I’ve come to realize Dad, that I’m always receiving something that will create tension or an argument, basically a tactic of an enemy or is it? Is it just my inability to not know how to approach difficult topics, or my inability to talk about areas that make me uncomfortable. What do you want me to do with the way these stored thoughts or images that I have received? Father God, I choose to not seek the bad but trust you in unpredictable moments that I am in. I will fight to have clarity in my unsteady moments.

Dad, I just want your truth in this matter because I want for you to show me what to do when these moments come up. Then there’s the fact that I’m still attached or absorbing emotions, behaviors and thoughts of people that are not even in my everyday space. Lord, is it because before you I wanted the specific lifestyle that appears this broken couple has? When you tell myself and Regina Ann the complete opposite of what’s really going on. Before getting closer to you God, I thought I would find true love for myself. Before coming to faith I knew of how you love me, but now I’m fully experiencing your love through seeing how much you working in me God. 

You are removing all the idols, bad habits and corruption from my heart. Dad what I have with you is true love. Father God, what I have with you is what I thought I had to chased after in sisterhoods or in the future marriage that I had to position myself for. My big chop, broke so many bondages. I began to feel and see the lifting of burdens, but also seeking you for truth. I no longer believe that I’m good because I’m not, and nor will I ever be. But what I am is evolving into who you are calling me to be. Along the way, there will be bumps and bruises, but you God will be right there. I no longer believe I need sisterhoods or to seek my own love story because you have far better for me than I could ever find for myself in my broken state. I’m healing through my desperate need of you. 

Without you I would have walked into a world of hurt and brokenness like that very couple you keep telling me about. If that’s true love then I don’t want it. I’m not interested in getting that, because that’s not a blessing, that’s a burden of covered lies that no one is bold enough to tell either of them how destructive they are for each other and to each other. They bring out the worse in each other and their so called friends just stay silent and let them fall deeper in the dig they are both getting sucked into. They don’t have real friends. Thank God I have a real friend in Regina Ann, she’d never let me fall into a ditch and I would never let her fall in one either. Regina Ann is far away from this toxic brokenness and the brokenness she got caught up in herself with her ex. Thank you God. You’re telling me it’s time to start my poetry God, I slightly have a hard time of believing that this gift is within me, I’ll just say yes Abba. I’m taking that leap of faith with this. So when that starts I just say yes.

Turning Away by Bryan Andrew Wilson recently found its way to my playlist. So grateful for a refreshing sound of Contemporary Christian music and how the lyrics speak directly on what I’ve been bringing to God on. Just turning away from what I’ve used to do. It’s time I stop seeking my ways and surrender to the Lord’s. it’s time to turn away to the new season that God has set up for me and for what’s to come. I’m just turning away from all of my past nonsense and traits it’s so not worth keeping into this new season with you Jesus. Amen. 

(I’m turning away) from the way of my past

(I’m turning away) I’ve changed my mind, changed my heart 

(I’m turning away) I’m surrendering unto you 

(I’m turning away) I’m turning away 

(I’m turning away) I’m turning away 

Turning away

Turning away 

Turning away 

Turning away 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings sibs!! Love y’all!! Xoxo 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

 

Jacob’s Song  — October 2, 2016

Jacob’s Song 

No where to go, at the end of the road But I know you can save me 

Made some mistakes and I am to blame 

But I know you can change me

9//21/16

Empty promises. That’s what this year has been winding down to be God. Nothing but empty promises. The way I obsessed over people and things, it’s an avoidance from being still God. It’s an avoidance from realizing what is going on and taking things to you. Focusing my energy on a said obsession takes away from what you are guiding me to do. I can easily say that I don’t know what to do, when what it comes down to is clinging to you. 

The avoidance is of my walk and how you’re guiding me along as I draw closer to you. This has me remaining in flesh, which is taking me further away from abiding in you, and trusting you through the twist and turns of my life. 

It’s not easy God, being a graduate student. I can’t speak for others, only myself but know that it’s quite challenging often times balancing working and teaching, then being a student. The papers galore that occurs is understated. I’m annoyed about it all. Feeling like things were being dragged out or hushed, but all I can do is trust you through it. I surrendered this avoidance that I do God. The thing is dad, I’ve been rising above for what feels like a long time. I just want truth and a promise to remain a promise. 

But hanging on man’s word is not what you want me to do. I just want to have what I was promise to come through. Show me how to guard my heart father God. Show me how to let go of all of my control. Search me until all of this is removed and gone. Dad, it’s not easy pushing through every day and fighting to remain hopeful through the web of lies that I received from work. The expectations and the scaffolding that has been given to others, I never did receive. It makes me wonder, why am I not running a company, and business with Regina Ann*? Why is it that I am blocked from things and have to endure pain. Father God, I need you to show me how to raise above because it’s surely a weakness for me. Just show me how to be a vessel that bridges the gap instead burning them. 

Hold me accountable God to dig deep and to really search for truth and not settle for what I want to hear. Hold me accountable to surrender the obsession that I have with tangibility and my focus on it. It’s a comfort for me God. How do I remove myself from this? How do I get to a space where I am not comfortable or content in the daily existence of what I can touch. How I can move forward from the loop I cling to that I’ve dwelled in and created myself? 

So here I am, crying out loud 

Please save me this time 

I know you can so here I am Lord

9/22/16

How I feel right now at 6:03 am is just a heaviness in my heart. What’s going on with me God? What’s happening to the fact that I am so bothered by and the whole teaching situation that I am in. I was mislead and I pushed for truth and I was still mislead. I didn’t guard my heart enough. I didn’t pause and remain stilled in you enough. So here I go again with another burnt experience and another scenario of hurt. I’m doing something wrong God to be attracting this level of hurt. I’m seeking you on how to go about things. There’s something in me that has been buried deep that is now being pushed to the top. I pray for it all to come out. I truly do God, because it’s hard to go to work with bothersomeness all up in me. Lord, there is so much going on and I just want your truth. 

This is all because of my pride. It’s very vengeful and wants to wreck chaos and destruction when feeling slighted or hurt. It’s very wrong how prideful I am. I feel so entitled and felt that due to how everything happened last year, I was pushing myself to be set up for success that God may never had backed up. I am now at a point where I want to see damage and reparations for what I believe were my wrongdoings. But God you are saying something else. You are saying to be still. You are saying to surrender the attitude and to rise above. That’s very hard to do. 

Father God, moving forward waiting for Regina Ann is not effective for both me or her. I remember last year when she would catch a ride from her father she would make sure she would arrive on time and was able to bible study. She wouldn’t want to wait for me sometimes because I was too far. I would have to be the one to say oh I’m near by do you mind waiting or can I catch a ride? But this year we are arriving together and it seems like I’m always getting pushed back and getting that I’m being insensitive when I see how she literally makes sure she’s on point. I text her this morning that I’m running late, she never replied that hey, go ahead because I emailed my director saying that I am running late. Like how can she talk about communication when she’s selective on what she wants to communicate. I am not in the environment where people want to share or be real. I am in the environment where people want to just do them but when it comes to me father God they don’t act the same. Things change. T* lied to me yesterday. I don’t want to do push ins anymore. I don’t want to do anything. Just teach my small groups and do my assignments for both grad school and work. I don’t want to deal with the broken promises. 

I feel as though I’ve came out of the womb given and pushed to believe in the broken promises. It’s deeper than pride, it’s a residual of hurt. I’m so over this world. I don’t fit in anything and no one truly understands. My delivery to Regina Ann is poor and I’m just either flaring her up or upsetting her often times. I’m done talking when, when I speak no wants to listen because of my position or lackthereof. I’m over it. I pray for the end of all of this coming 2017. 

I was almost about to write in 2012 seems like everyone is still stuck in that year. I pray that those who are there surrender father God. I surrender as well God, just being stuck in the past and the reminder of hurt that I go through. It seems that I’m just unhappy and don’t believe you have my best interest often times. I’m being delayed from ……… you fill in the dots God. 

I won’t let go 

Till you bless my soul

Till you change my name 

I’m no longer the same 

9/23/16

Father God, that conversation with my supervisor today was real. I needed to have the discussion with him where he and I are on the same page on things, atleast I hope. I don’t want from this convo to put him on a pedestal. I will want to just be able to communicate about how I need help from today. I cried, to the put that saying the words “not feeling supported” triggered something for me. I cried to the point that I had to write it out. Write out what has been brewing and bottling from the inside for only you know how long. It’s been buried deep for some while now, how God. It’s been buried since 1992 the year after my sister was born. It’s been going on because of the angry, bitterness and jealous of how we were raised in the same household but with different upbringings. It was truly very night and day between my sister and I. 

Growing up she was the one who didn’t get reprimanded as much as I did. I even one day ask my mom about this or would most often make it seem like it was a joke, which was me brushing the hurt underneath the rug. Laughter is my escape from my hurt. That’s how I would handle things God. I would do the brushing or suppressing. Having the talk with my supervisor made me realize that many can pick up from me that I have taken it upon myself to have this me against the world mode. Or have the I have do everything because people need to see that I am capable and I am smart. I have a need to sell myself. I’ve been doing this to myself for so long God, and I’m tired of doing it. It had to be that I got called out because of it that is what lead me to see, how detrimental this has been for me and everyone around me. Teach me how to share Lord. Teach me how to trust you first and foremost so that I can trust others. 

No where to go, at the end of the road 

But I know you can save me 

Made some mistakes and I am to blame 

But I know you can change me 

9/25/16

I am reading about vulnerability and trust God and that’s really hard for me. One of the things that stuck out to me so far is believing that I could opt out of feeling vulnerable which leads to control. The need to handle things that have been controlled or I was able to make certain of. Vulnerability is something that I’ve had problems identifying with from three years ago. It’s like I’ve been living in a loop of everything that I went through or saw from three years ago. What was it about that year father God that I can’t let go of ? Was it the fact that I had to surrender to you and give up everything I knew? My bubbles that pop? Or that I knew and saw things about people from a mile away that you are now today confirming? Whatever it is God. I say yes, I just surrender. 

So here I am, crying out Lord

Please save me this time 

I know you can, so here I am Lord 

9/29/16

Father God, I’ve been actively moving on. I’ve been actively choosing to put things behind me. For instance, there were moments in my blog when I would post about supposed “Jackson.” It’s been some time now since I’ve mention or wrote about “Jackson.” I’ve move on from this “Jackson” person. I’ve seen that this was a seed that I thought was nothing but misleading. The one time that “Jackson” got approached to demonstrate that he was seen to be interested in me, was destroyed when he played off his acknowledge of everything and that was the day I was like he is not someone to trust. Far less get supernatural messages on. I don’t need to be around someone who doesn’t want me to be around them. Messaged received. And then there’s secrecy about things. God you spared me from walking into that type of situation because that would’ve harmed both me and this “Jackson.”

God the problem isn’t anyone but me. So it’s not about anybody but me. On Wednesday when my graduate class wrapped up God, I saw that there was a guy there that has been intrigued with me and I’ve been peeked by him. Father God, I rather stillness over a quickie of some sort of trying to compensate what you want me to walk through. I see day to day God that avoiding the pruning and preparation is what leads to future setbacks and deviants that you do not want for any of us as your children. Lord, I surrender these emotions of being impatient and just being in flesh of wanting to go ahead of you. Father God, I surrender how I quickly make things an idol like my job. I am too quick to push you away when you open the door God and say I got it with action, and that’s where I’m constantly learning the hard way to trust you and be still. Father God you have me. You have this walk, but it’s like the stakes have changed the minute I have said yes to the road less traveled. Nor did I expect what was coming right after the taking your hand as you were leading me God. 

I won’t let go 

Till you bless my soul 

Till you change my soul 

I’m no longer the same 

10/1/16

Father God, I pray this conference that I am attending today will be an encounter with you. I pray that as the speakers bridges faith and empowerment in education that you God confirm some things for me. Work in all of the women who are attending this conference God. Meet all of us today in a new refreshing way and show us how to take what we have been given and where we have all been placed. Our hearts are to be used in education as we are your vessels in this benchmark area of our lives. 

Thank you Lord, for today. Your presence changed my perspectives, and I realize that what I am being called to is my assignment. 

Jacob’s Song by Briana Babineaux off her Bri album is on replay and is just the truth of where I am right now in my walk and my evolving relationship with God. 

Need you to change me 

Fill me, with your power Lord

No I won’t let go

Till you change me and fill me Lord 

I need you to change me

Fill me, with your power Lord 

I won’t let go 

I won’t let go 

Till you bless my soul 

Till you change my name 

I’m no longer the same 





Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

%d bloggers like this: