No where to go, at the end of the road But I know you can save me 

Made some mistakes and I am to blame 

But I know you can change me

9//21/16

Empty promises. That’s what this year has been winding down to be God. Nothing but empty promises. The way I obsessed over people and things, it’s an avoidance from being still God. It’s an avoidance from realizing what is going on and taking things to you. Focusing my energy on a said obsession takes away from what you are guiding me to do. I can easily say that I don’t know what to do, when what it comes down to is clinging to you. 

The avoidance is of my walk and how you’re guiding me along as I draw closer to you. This has me remaining in flesh, which is taking me further away from abiding in you, and trusting you through the twist and turns of my life. 

It’s not easy God, being a graduate student. I can’t speak for others, only myself but know that it’s quite challenging often times balancing working and teaching, then being a student. The papers galore that occurs is understated. I’m annoyed about it all. Feeling like things were being dragged out or hushed, but all I can do is trust you through it. I surrendered this avoidance that I do God. The thing is dad, I’ve been rising above for what feels like a long time. I just want truth and a promise to remain a promise. 

But hanging on man’s word is not what you want me to do. I just want to have what I was promise to come through. Show me how to guard my heart father God. Show me how to let go of all of my control. Search me until all of this is removed and gone. Dad, it’s not easy pushing through every day and fighting to remain hopeful through the web of lies that I received from work. The expectations and the scaffolding that has been given to others, I never did receive. It makes me wonder, why am I not running a company, and business with Regina Ann*? Why is it that I am blocked from things and have to endure pain. Father God, I need you to show me how to raise above because it’s surely a weakness for me. Just show me how to be a vessel that bridges the gap instead burning them. 

Hold me accountable God to dig deep and to really search for truth and not settle for what I want to hear. Hold me accountable to surrender the obsession that I have with tangibility and my focus on it. It’s a comfort for me God. How do I remove myself from this? How do I get to a space where I am not comfortable or content in the daily existence of what I can touch. How I can move forward from the loop I cling to that I’ve dwelled in and created myself? 

So here I am, crying out loud 

Please save me this time 

I know you can so here I am Lord

9/22/16

How I feel right now at 6:03 am is just a heaviness in my heart. What’s going on with me God? What’s happening to the fact that I am so bothered by and the whole teaching situation that I am in. I was mislead and I pushed for truth and I was still mislead. I didn’t guard my heart enough. I didn’t pause and remain stilled in you enough. So here I go again with another burnt experience and another scenario of hurt. I’m doing something wrong God to be attracting this level of hurt. I’m seeking you on how to go about things. There’s something in me that has been buried deep that is now being pushed to the top. I pray for it all to come out. I truly do God, because it’s hard to go to work with bothersomeness all up in me. Lord, there is so much going on and I just want your truth. 

This is all because of my pride. It’s very vengeful and wants to wreck chaos and destruction when feeling slighted or hurt. It’s very wrong how prideful I am. I feel so entitled and felt that due to how everything happened last year, I was pushing myself to be set up for success that God may never had backed up. I am now at a point where I want to see damage and reparations for what I believe were my wrongdoings. But God you are saying something else. You are saying to be still. You are saying to surrender the attitude and to rise above. That’s very hard to do. 

Father God, moving forward waiting for Regina Ann is not effective for both me or her. I remember last year when she would catch a ride from her father she would make sure she would arrive on time and was able to bible study. She wouldn’t want to wait for me sometimes because I was too far. I would have to be the one to say oh I’m near by do you mind waiting or can I catch a ride? But this year we are arriving together and it seems like I’m always getting pushed back and getting that I’m being insensitive when I see how she literally makes sure she’s on point. I text her this morning that I’m running late, she never replied that hey, go ahead because I emailed my director saying that I am running late. Like how can she talk about communication when she’s selective on what she wants to communicate. I am not in the environment where people want to share or be real. I am in the environment where people want to just do them but when it comes to me father God they don’t act the same. Things change. T* lied to me yesterday. I don’t want to do push ins anymore. I don’t want to do anything. Just teach my small groups and do my assignments for both grad school and work. I don’t want to deal with the broken promises. 

I feel as though I’ve came out of the womb given and pushed to believe in the broken promises. It’s deeper than pride, it’s a residual of hurt. I’m so over this world. I don’t fit in anything and no one truly understands. My delivery to Regina Ann is poor and I’m just either flaring her up or upsetting her often times. I’m done talking when, when I speak no wants to listen because of my position or lackthereof. I’m over it. I pray for the end of all of this coming 2017. 

I was almost about to write in 2012 seems like everyone is still stuck in that year. I pray that those who are there surrender father God. I surrender as well God, just being stuck in the past and the reminder of hurt that I go through. It seems that I’m just unhappy and don’t believe you have my best interest often times. I’m being delayed from ……… you fill in the dots God. 

I won’t let go 

Till you bless my soul

Till you change my name 

I’m no longer the same 

9/23/16

Father God, that conversation with my supervisor today was real. I needed to have the discussion with him where he and I are on the same page on things, atleast I hope. I don’t want from this convo to put him on a pedestal. I will want to just be able to communicate about how I need help from today. I cried, to the put that saying the words “not feeling supported” triggered something for me. I cried to the point that I had to write it out. Write out what has been brewing and bottling from the inside for only you know how long. It’s been buried deep for some while now, how God. It’s been buried since 1992 the year after my sister was born. It’s been going on because of the angry, bitterness and jealous of how we were raised in the same household but with different upbringings. It was truly very night and day between my sister and I. 

Growing up she was the one who didn’t get reprimanded as much as I did. I even one day ask my mom about this or would most often make it seem like it was a joke, which was me brushing the hurt underneath the rug. Laughter is my escape from my hurt. That’s how I would handle things God. I would do the brushing or suppressing. Having the talk with my supervisor made me realize that many can pick up from me that I have taken it upon myself to have this me against the world mode. Or have the I have do everything because people need to see that I am capable and I am smart. I have a need to sell myself. I’ve been doing this to myself for so long God, and I’m tired of doing it. It had to be that I got called out because of it that is what lead me to see, how detrimental this has been for me and everyone around me. Teach me how to share Lord. Teach me how to trust you first and foremost so that I can trust others. 

No where to go, at the end of the road 

But I know you can save me 

Made some mistakes and I am to blame 

But I know you can change me 

9/25/16

I am reading about vulnerability and trust God and that’s really hard for me. One of the things that stuck out to me so far is believing that I could opt out of feeling vulnerable which leads to control. The need to handle things that have been controlled or I was able to make certain of. Vulnerability is something that I’ve had problems identifying with from three years ago. It’s like I’ve been living in a loop of everything that I went through or saw from three years ago. What was it about that year father God that I can’t let go of ? Was it the fact that I had to surrender to you and give up everything I knew? My bubbles that pop? Or that I knew and saw things about people from a mile away that you are now today confirming? Whatever it is God. I say yes, I just surrender. 

So here I am, crying out Lord

Please save me this time 

I know you can, so here I am Lord 

9/29/16

Father God, I’ve been actively moving on. I’ve been actively choosing to put things behind me. For instance, there were moments in my blog when I would post about supposed “Jackson.” It’s been some time now since I’ve mention or wrote about “Jackson.” I’ve move on from this “Jackson” person. I’ve seen that this was a seed that I thought was nothing but misleading. The one time that “Jackson” got approached to demonstrate that he was seen to be interested in me, was destroyed when he played off his acknowledge of everything and that was the day I was like he is not someone to trust. Far less get supernatural messages on. I don’t need to be around someone who doesn’t want me to be around them. Messaged received. And then there’s secrecy about things. God you spared me from walking into that type of situation because that would’ve harmed both me and this “Jackson.”

God the problem isn’t anyone but me. So it’s not about anybody but me. On Wednesday when my graduate class wrapped up God, I saw that there was a guy there that has been intrigued with me and I’ve been peeked by him. Father God, I rather stillness over a quickie of some sort of trying to compensate what you want me to walk through. I see day to day God that avoiding the pruning and preparation is what leads to future setbacks and deviants that you do not want for any of us as your children. Lord, I surrender these emotions of being impatient and just being in flesh of wanting to go ahead of you. Father God, I surrender how I quickly make things an idol like my job. I am too quick to push you away when you open the door God and say I got it with action, and that’s where I’m constantly learning the hard way to trust you and be still. Father God you have me. You have this walk, but it’s like the stakes have changed the minute I have said yes to the road less traveled. Nor did I expect what was coming right after the taking your hand as you were leading me God. 

I won’t let go 

Till you bless my soul 

Till you change my soul 

I’m no longer the same 

10/1/16

Father God, I pray this conference that I am attending today will be an encounter with you. I pray that as the speakers bridges faith and empowerment in education that you God confirm some things for me. Work in all of the women who are attending this conference God. Meet all of us today in a new refreshing way and show us how to take what we have been given and where we have all been placed. Our hearts are to be used in education as we are your vessels in this benchmark area of our lives. 

Thank you Lord, for today. Your presence changed my perspectives, and I realize that what I am being called to is my assignment. 

Jacob’s Song by Briana Babineaux off her Bri album is on replay and is just the truth of where I am right now in my walk and my evolving relationship with God. 

Need you to change me 

Fill me, with your power Lord

No I won’t let go

Till you change me and fill me Lord 

I need you to change me

Fill me, with your power Lord 

I won’t let go 

I won’t let go 

Till you bless my soul 

Till you change my name 

I’m no longer the same 





Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo

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