I wonder how I get hereWhat did I do to get here

Somehow I made the wrong turn and now I’m lost and burned 

In my mess I feel deep because my flesh was weak 

But now I hear Your voice and I’m making the choice 

10/5/16

October is always that point God where the season change is both figuratively, tangibly and supernaturally. October is that month God, where finding you was what I was seeking. Lord, the season has change where our relationship Dad has gotten deeper. I see things in a whole new way, and I am learning to seek you even more with what I am seeing. Dad, you have me and I have to see that for a long while I was spiritual dead, which on top of that truth I keep feeding fear, and wanting to not come off as spiritual weird. Lord, I was not going to you with these thoughts, or the other thoughts that were popping up. I wasn’t seeking you on everything. Father God, how I pray to just hear the voice of truth, which is you only. I don’t want to keep struggling with the voice of self-filling and flesh gratifying needs. Father God, I come to you Lord, seeking you in regards to all of this because I can easily get caught up in the highlight reels, and the lies that people often display God. 

Father God, my goals, and my dreams, will they ever be met?

I’m turning away from the things that I do 

That aren’t pleasing in Your sight 

I’m turning away from the messed up mindset 

And things that I know aren’t right 

I’m turning away from the past, the hurt and shame

All things that had me bound 

I’m turning away, turning away 

10/7/16

I am just waiting on you God to move me. Just waiting on you to change me, or tell me what to do. “Wit U” by Drake kept playing in my head today. Don’t know what’s going on with me God, because I haven’t touch secular music in months. Gave it up in pursuit of surrendering my life to you fully. Secular music is distracting and feeds my flesh, which does not draw me closer to you God. I’ve come to moments in my life in seeing that only worship music can uplift me. It’s the constant communicator between you and I Dad, worship music. I pray for your truth in this God and for you to reveal what it is that I’m not connecting. 

It’s been some days since I read the word God. I pray Lord to no longer allow for a day to pass for me to read the word, and I pray to be more diligent about reading the word especially since you’re moving me from glory to glory. 

When temptation tries to lure me off my course 

I will choose you, I’ll choose you 

Cause I’ve been there and I’m not going there no more 

Said I want a new start I’m giving you my heart 

From your love I never want to depart

10/8/16

What’s there to talk about God? What’s more to discuss I hear a small voice tell me that I’m called to single-hood. Lord, I’m okay to go through that journey. 

It hurts the no reply back from emailing him. It hurts that I had to that. It makes me feel like we are never going to happen because I took him seriously as someone that I will have a future with. I’m just so confuse and scared with what the reality is. What’s my reality God? What is it that I’m not facing? It hurts to wake up everyday and see that I’m getting older and I’m not sharing my happy moments with someone. I never got to date. You would always block it. But God how long must I wait? Oh am I suppose to be even waiting? Should I see the truth in that my life has been called to go down another path that I didn’t realize or rejected. 

God when you remove the hidden secrets that lie in my heart and bring them to the surface. You are cleaning out my heart and soul with all the impurities that I had towards being obsessed with marriage, finding a soulmate, and even my friendship with Regina Ann* Lord I was searching and wanting to make decisions, and moves for myself because I truly believe that there were no promises given to me and that I had to go out and seek my own blessings. This obsession manifested itself into an unhealthy and paralyzing idol. Often times it’s hard to realize that I’m putting work, career, school, lesson planning and even money into an idol; and become obsessed with wanting to be seen as great or living off the words of man instead of realizing that I’m in a place of where God has called me to be. I’m doing my assignment. And I’ve lost sight of that God and lost sight of other things because I thought my blessings weren’t coming. I’m not still enough. It’s hard for me to be still. I’m very impatient. I want what I want and I want it now. I want to make what I want happen. It’s all apart of my control. I have severe control issues. Father God, I come to you seeking you in making room for you to pull out the weeds in my heart. Father God, Dad, I need you God to continue to remove all the weeds, idols and all obsessions in my life. 

I’m turning away from the things that I do 

That aren’t pleasing in Your sight 

I’m turning away from the messed up mindset 

And things that I know aren’t right 

I’m turning away from the past, the hurt and shame

All things that had me bound 

I’m turning away, turning away 

10/9/16

Father God, I’m just grateful for another day. I’m grateful that I’m alive for another day. Dad, I’ve been noticing that I mentally store things, and then I later am thinking or dwelling on them, and then trying to think of ways to approach a particular person or situation. I’ve come to realize Dad, that I’m always receiving something that will create tension or an argument, basically a tactic of an enemy or is it? Is it just my inability to not know how to approach difficult topics, or my inability to talk about areas that make me uncomfortable. What do you want me to do with the way these stored thoughts or images that I have received? Father God, I choose to not seek the bad but trust you in unpredictable moments that I am in. I will fight to have clarity in my unsteady moments.

Dad, I just want your truth in this matter because I want for you to show me what to do when these moments come up. Then there’s the fact that I’m still attached or absorbing emotions, behaviors and thoughts of people that are not even in my everyday space. Lord, is it because before you I wanted the specific lifestyle that appears this broken couple has? When you tell myself and Regina Ann the complete opposite of what’s really going on. Before getting closer to you God, I thought I would find true love for myself. Before coming to faith I knew of how you love me, but now I’m fully experiencing your love through seeing how much you working in me God. 

You are removing all the idols, bad habits and corruption from my heart. Dad what I have with you is true love. Father God, what I have with you is what I thought I had to chased after in sisterhoods or in the future marriage that I had to position myself for. My big chop, broke so many bondages. I began to feel and see the lifting of burdens, but also seeking you for truth. I no longer believe that I’m good because I’m not, and nor will I ever be. But what I am is evolving into who you are calling me to be. Along the way, there will be bumps and bruises, but you God will be right there. I no longer believe I need sisterhoods or to seek my own love story because you have far better for me than I could ever find for myself in my broken state. I’m healing through my desperate need of you. 

Without you I would have walked into a world of hurt and brokenness like that very couple you keep telling me about. If that’s true love then I don’t want it. I’m not interested in getting that, because that’s not a blessing, that’s a burden of covered lies that no one is bold enough to tell either of them how destructive they are for each other and to each other. They bring out the worse in each other and their so called friends just stay silent and let them fall deeper in the dig they are both getting sucked into. They don’t have real friends. Thank God I have a real friend in Regina Ann, she’d never let me fall into a ditch and I would never let her fall in one either. Regina Ann is far away from this toxic brokenness and the brokenness she got caught up in herself with her ex. Thank you God. You’re telling me it’s time to start my poetry God, I slightly have a hard time of believing that this gift is within me, I’ll just say yes Abba. I’m taking that leap of faith with this. So when that starts I just say yes.

Turning Away by Bryan Andrew Wilson recently found its way to my playlist. So grateful for a refreshing sound of Contemporary Christian music and how the lyrics speak directly on what I’ve been bringing to God on. Just turning away from what I’ve used to do. It’s time I stop seeking my ways and surrender to the Lord’s. it’s time to turn away to the new season that God has set up for me and for what’s to come. I’m just turning away from all of my past nonsense and traits it’s so not worth keeping into this new season with you Jesus. Amen. 

(I’m turning away) from the way of my past

(I’m turning away) I’ve changed my mind, changed my heart 

(I’m turning away) I’m surrendering unto you 

(I’m turning away) I’m turning away 

(I’m turning away) I’m turning away 

Turning away

Turning away 

Turning away 

Turning away 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings sibs!! Love y’all!! Xoxo 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

 

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