I cannot feel your love so strong and still, 

From where I’ve hidden.

I cannot hear your voice above my will, 

But still You listen.

11/12/16

I don’t understand why I can’t shake this bothersome feeling of wanting to tell the principal of my job “you suck!” I have a deep urge of wanting to curse him out. Of wanting for him to pay for all the bull he told me, and all the bull he put me through. I just want to see him bleed out or something. The misery that he is feeling is not enough to me. I get that this isn’t Christ like, but God I’m on my last stripe of grace, that he has put me through. I don’t trust any word that comes out of his mouth. He’s a liar and manipulator, and I don’t want to teach anymore because of him God. The bull I have to go through on this campus is too much. I’m so over it. I am over being here, and just working in what seems like a toxic environment. 

Father God, I work with people who don’t want me to succeed, and want for me to just be their assistant; so that I can make them look good. I work with broken people who want to break and stay broken. I’m so over it. Father God, please continue to remove this pain from my heart. I need you God. I need you to release this heaviness, that I have in my heart. I need you God. I can’t stand to come into this building anymore. I just can’t God. Please make moves in my heart God. Give me the words for this meeting on Monday. Please God. Amen. 

And all the while,

You call me to your grace,

All that I undid fades

11/15/16

I surrender my fears God. I say yes to trusting you with this platform that you are calling me to. Father God, I choose to believe and trust you in what you keep saying is coming. Lord, clouds blind, so I choose for you to open up my heart, and mind. Lord, open my eyes in the way that I’ve never experienced before. Father God, I come to you wanting to say yes to your plans for me, because they rare and better than mine would ever be. 

A roach crawled on me while I was on a bus. I screamed on the bus to the point I gave myself a headache. I scream to the point I’m so sick. I surrender Father God so many things, because that encounter with the roach brought on humility. I struggle with humility. Father God, I come to you wanting to surrender whatever shred of fear that I have towards what you God. Trusting you is daily surrendering, and in those daily moments that’s when I would be able to discern more, and see things more clearly from a spiritual sense; and that teaches me to let go of seeing things from my flesh perspective by me leaning on my own understanding. 

Lead me to the end of myself,

Take me to the edge of something greater.

God I come to you wanting to surrender whatever it is that I’m blocking myself from making identification towards, or having awareness in. I come to you God, recognizing that the very thing that I would get upset at my mother from doing, I’ve internalize it to the point that it’s now in an active habit, that has been causing some of the dysfunction in my sisterhood with Regina Ann*. I’ve come hear to make awareness, and acknowledge on what I have been doing. It’s beyond broken, and it’s not okay. That’s not what you find pleasing. This is not why you ordained our sisterhood. This is not why you called us to where you have us. 

11/16/16

12:56 am; everything has a godly solution, it’s just up to us as individuals to want to seek that godly solution, and not stay in the ugly known problem, where we have worldly solutions that does not edify you God. That’s why our solutions never work. 

I’m looking out beyond this great unknown,

Though I can’t see it.

One day I’ll see the place You call my home,

Lord, I’ll be near it.

Father God, the reality check that I had yesterday, with how I handle things in such an ungodly fashion is making me see that I can no longer stay in what feels like a dirty container. Leaning on my own understanding is a dirty container, that hasn’t been washed. Father God, a lot of what I’ve picked up, and projected on others, like Regina Ann has unfortunately come from my surroundings, and upbringings from my parents. 

I love my parents God, and I know that you have them, and I’m grateful for that. But I do wrestle with trusting you to save them when I believe I can. I have seen so much manipulation, and mind games from my parents that when I would called them out on it, they would deny it or get defensive; and I would shut down knowing that means I can’t talk, or be open with them. I realize this is what I do with my sisterhood with Regina Ann. When she calls me out, I do what my parents do to me. Instead of Regina Ann shutting down, she gets fired up and ready to overturn all my lies, and my attempts to avoid walking through my brokenness. I see how she sharpens me God. I don’t like it, and I do avoid it. But you’re bigger God. You’re so much bigger God.

And all the while,

You call me to your grace,

All that I undid fades

Which is why I am an adult having trouble identifying my flaws and transgressions. Because I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to deal with my issues. Getting defensive after being corrected, or even just shutting down isn’t working anymore God. It doesn’t do anything to edify your Kingdom. Father God, I’ve taken on these traits, and have just allowed them to be paralyzing fear, and now here I am living with all these broken emotions in me, and I’m being fixated with the negative. I am not even pushing for positive, or healthy traits to form healthy relationships in my sisterhoods. I did not actively fight to be better. I actively did not fight to see things, and push for truth. Instead I try to sleep them off. I choose the easy way out. No longer do I want to continue this routine God. No longer can I look at this mountain and seek you not moving it. Keep using Regina Ann. I’m grateful for her. 

Father God, here I am surrendering all I’ve done, and have acquired knowing that I have to see the accountability, and ownership that I have to take in acting on fear, instead of choosing love. Father God I come to you no longer wanting to take in, and continue to focus on the negatives. Father God show me how to be okay with having your healing even though I see the ones I love so much, choosing brokenness. Show me how to be okay with your healing in me, and trusting in you to do the same work in my parents, and in my sister. Please Father God, please show me how to take a leap of faith in this area God. Please God show me how to trust you will do the work in my family, without fighting to stay broken with them. Please God show me the way.

Lead me to the end of myself,

Take me to the edge of something greater.

Lead me to the end of myself,

Take me to the edge of something greater.

12/20/16

I want to be alone right now God. Being in this church building, and seeing people and hearing people talk is a lot for me. Why am I in New Life? I didn’t want to forgive your daughter. You know every strand on her head. I forgave your other daughter, because she suffered and she’s hurt and she looks it. So I see she needs my forgiveness. I don’t want to forgive your other daughter. She doesn’t look broken like the one I forgave does. I was vengeful towards these women, and many of them because of how they were with that man you show me as my ribcage. 

I’m over all of this. I don’t know what else to say, but I choose to forgive and surrender my heart and anger. I choose love and not vengeance. I no longer choose brokenness. God you have all of this. Be with these women, and all women who were affected by that man’s decisions and actions. 

I am standing on the great frontiers,

Of your love, of your love.

You have overcome my deepest fears,

With your love, with your love.

God this is why I am very fearful of him being my ribcage, because why is he going to be so different with me when he choose to be crappy with those other women? I can’t go through a relationship with a man on a god complex, trying to manipulate me into thinking we have a chance. That’s what this man you keep showing me did to these women. God I let go of these fears, and I let go of my hurt: but there is a leap that I have to take. 

I’m wrestling with you God on this. I’m very hesitate with this man you keep showing me God is my ribcage. In my mind: I just can’t be aligned with you, and then not see it coming when he badly hurts me. I just can’t go through it God, because then it makes me believe that I chose man above you. I never want to do that. I’m seeing how broken that is from your other daughters. God I don’t want to look like the walking dead. God I don’t want to look like damaged goods, like so many of your daughters look like. I never want to look that destroyed because a man selfishly decided to break and take from me. I never want to look like I was dumb enough, to allow myself to let a broken man break me. That’s a misrepresentation as your daughter. That’s a misrepresentation of your Great Name God.

I am standing on the great frontiers,

Of your love, of your love.

You have overcome my deepest fears,

With your love, with your love.

So God I’m willing to let go, and have you God. I am just free in you, and to never put man above you. I’ve done these things in the past for days with my job, and everything and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to put anything above you. I don’t want to put my principle above you. I choose you God, not any man, or anything in this world. You can have it all God. I understand that this man has my heart, but I can’t do things the wrong way. I just can’t God. I’d rather be single forever if I do it wrong with this man you say is mine God. I choose your way only. 

I choose to trust this man God wholeheartedly. I choose to be okay with being set free. I choose to leap into the unknown. I choose to love this man wholeheartedly, and unafraid regardless of what he has done in the past. I choose to see how much this man has changed, and will continue to change. I choose love over, and over again no matter what comes our way. I’ll take the hits for this man. I won’t be afraid to boldly love you God or this man. 

I am standing on the great frontiers,

Of your love, of your love.

You have overcome my deepest fears,

With your love, with your love.

Father God, I say yes to it all, and the road you lead us into day after day. I choose truth, and to trust you. I no longer choose to trust my own understanding, because that doesn’t lead us nowhere. We are one. A covenant that you ordained God, and I choose this: us. I love you freely God, and I always will. I speak truth instead of fear. Love instead of lies, because this man is ready, and this man is near. You do you God, and I will appear. Shoot my arrow God and aim where you want me to go God. God shoot your love through my penetrating broken, and very fragile heart. You have it all Jesus. You always did, now I walk through it without any fear. I choose love and forgiveness. I choose to walk through you God making all things new. God lead me to the end of myself. God take me to the edge of something greater. I love you God. In Jesus name, amen.

Frontiers off of the Vertical Church Band track-titled album is a song that I’ve come to deeply love and appreciate due to where I am. Music has a way that is heard but when you are walking through your awakening it’s the same song that has a new meaning like how scripture has deeper meanings. This song has a meaning of depth in understanding that awakening in Christ is a continual process and it happens through seeking God and saying that I truly want to lead me to something greater. I want you to lead me to more then this road I am on now, and that is how growth in us continues and blooms. That’s how we can never be afraid to take leaps and choose faith instead of fear because we simply seeking God and saying I want your frontiers. “I want you to lead me….”

Lead me to the end of myself,

Take me to the edge of something greater.

Lead me to the end of myself,

Take me to the edge of something greater.

Something greater.

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Happy Thanksgiving!! Blessings!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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