Wyn's Playlist

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Looking For A Savior — December 24, 2016

Looking For A Savior

I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life 

And my need to know everything 

This illusion cannot speak 

It cannot walk with me tonight

As I taste life’s fragility 

12/11/16

How can I let go of it all? The very thing that that puts a strain on our sisterhood is the very thing that I’ve been struggling with. Father God, hold me accountable to stop nitpicking, being condescending, instead of not in love, and not leaning on the spirit. To lean on you and not my own understanding. Show me how to die father God. How can Wynee die so that you can live and dwell in me? I pray for how I caused this strain. I pray for how I made things become so defensive. I pray for your removal on any negativity resulting, that happened from my actions and lack of respect in my sisterhood with Regina Ann*  

I am looking for a Savior

I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us 

May a broken God be known

Within the earth beneath our feet

Let our souls behold humility 

Let our souls behold humility

I’m just disrespectful and truly don’t know how to be there all the time for people. Then there’s the fact that you’ve been telling me to wait on things and I’m like for what? Why wait? When there’s so much that I’ve been told to wait on for already. It’s insane to me God, but yet I still choose obedience, even when it may appear that I’m crazy or not making sense. I’m just wanting to be past this place of my life, and there’s also that I have accountability from Regina Ann to ensure that I’m on track, and really trying to push to be aligned and sensitive to the Holy Spirit 

Lord, I don’t care to be aligned when I’m also having to wait. For what? Again I ask because I’m like what is the wait for, when all I’m doing is not being able to understand all the way through on how to be there for Regina Ann*. I fail her like everyday to the point that I’m like I am going to lean on my own understanding on just being distance, because she will have people who will pour into her, sharpen her and know how to just simply be there from jump to start. I’m tired of failing; and here I am just wanting to someone not be surrounded by my brokenness, and not feel that they have to get defensive or be prepared for whenever I come at them the way Regina Ann is always prepared.

When our plans become the casualties

Of getting through the day

And we begin to know our weakness 

And denial isn’t strong enough

To hold our fears at bay 

And we can’t escape 

It’s not fair that this is where we are. This is not fair that my actions, and my brokenness from the past has truly changed her, and has not been healthy for her. I’m tired of hurting my friend. I’m tired of being me and here I am surrendering, but I’m sure whatever I’m saying to you isn’t authentic; because my words are empty to her and no longer can be trusted. She’s so guarded. I at one point had caught feelings for the man that God has confirmed her to, that she struggles to believe is true and wants to be done. She struggles with wrestling with God to move on, because of how everything looks. 

I am looking for a Savior

I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us 

May a broken God be known

Within the earth beneath our feet

Let our souls behold humility 

Let our souls behold humility

I almost tried it with my brokenness. I almost tried to ruin my blessings with my own ribcage. I just don’t need to be around people, when I can’t practice any healthy habits. When I’ve had a mindset that I can have any man that I want without any repercussions. That whether they were married or not, or single or not, it just didn’t matter because me wanting them was what was all that needed to be factored. This has translated into now I have to fight to respect the sanctity of a marriage, or someone in a relationship. 

I am looking for a Savior

I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us 

May a broken God be known

Within the earth beneath our feet

Let our souls behold humility 

Let our souls behold humility

My ways of having this misguided, and unhealthy behavior is probably when God intervenes everyday on things. I truly am the wrong person to be friends with. I’m truly someone who just needs Jesus to heal this brokenness that is inside of me. I don’t want to be around Regina Ann, because I tried it with her. I tried to go after the man that she’s confirm to, at the very beginning of us entering our old church. Father God, I’m now realizing how badly I need you when there’s seriously so much I’ve been doing, that has been damaging to me and everyone around me, especially Regina Ann.

I see the sympathy of heaven

In the earth and wind and trees

I see hope within the morning sun 

And it’s setting

I’m someone who has made terrible worldly decisions, that has now I lead to sex being on my broken mind. Father God, clear my mind. Just remove all things that have lead me here. I surrender my empty words, and my heart to you, to be filled with your love. Empty me Lord. Father God, I choose to do things your way from this point on. I can no longer do things on my own understanding. I can no longer make believe that leaning on my own understanding and battle flesh, and spirit is the way, because it’s not. 

12/16/16

The days are counting down father God, only 15 days left of 2016. So much has happened, and so much has been revealed. Father God? I’m excited for the upcoming year. I’m excited for your will being done, and that your kingdom will come. I pray for a reset and a renewing of my mind in 2017. 

I am searching for meaning

I was looking for healing

I am haunted by Your reflection

I was blinded by my addictions

I am torn apart by the dying

I am giving up on escaping

Will I learn to live without taking?

Will I learn to see beauty in the making?

Hey Dad, I’m no longer going to keep choosing to look back. The doors you close I won’t try to reopen. The people you remove, I won’t try to bring them back. The doors you open, I will walk through them. Father God, I choose love not my own understanding. 

12/21/16

How do I find the way communicate and live out your truths? I tell people I’m here at my job, because of God but may actions show something else. How can I really be free from my past? How can I be free from my own selfishness and pride? I’ve carried on hurt that has lasted within me for years. I don’t know what to do anymore God. I’m so bothered by how I’m unable to be coached or approached. I feel so sucky in the position that I am in, and I feel like I’m not doing anything in my life. I haven’t been able to just understand how I truly feel.

Looking For A Savior by United Pursuits accurately describes the sentiments that I am feeling towards God. Where are you in the current season in my life? The feelings that I’m feeling have you no word for them? But through it all still trusting in God’s endless grace and mercy. This songs describes the humming of knowing that God is right there alongside the battle as he already won the war. 

I can’t pretend to know the beginning from the end

But there’s beauty in the life that’s given 

We may bless or we may curse 

Every twist and every turn 

Will we learn to know the joy of living?

Will we learn to know the joy of living?

Happy reading! Happy listening! Be well and God bless! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

 

Victory Belongs To Jesus  — December 23, 2016

Victory Belongs To Jesus 

Who will stand against the Lord

No one can, no one will

Who can stand against our King

No one can, no one will 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I had a dream during my nap today God. In the dream there were kids from my school, and some other kids of whom I didn’t know. They were sitting in the dining, and living room area of my house taking a state test. I had to call up a parent because one of the kids was acting up during the exams. The height of some of the kids varied between short and tall. I at one point, thought will my kids will look short and Regina Ann’s* will look like models in the dream. I was comparing the kids, the very thing I hated done to me when I was growing up, I’ve projected on the kids. Clean my heart Lord. 

Who can stand against the Lord

No one can, no one will

Who can stand against the King

No one can, no one will

Lunch time came, and the parent came after the phone call that was about their child’s behavior during testing. The parent was looking through my papers on the desk, and said “isn’t it lunch time”? They were testing, and needed to eat, so they went to the backyard through the basement of my house. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

This girl named Olive looked like Regina Ann’s daughter. Then the rest of the kids were lined up alongside the wall from the basement of my house go to outside. Outside of my house, in the backyard was where there were picnic tables set up, for people that were around the tables seemed familiar; but I couldn’t make out their faces. Once the kids grabbed their lunch, they found their way upstairs to my room; that was turned into an indoor dining patio set. I was standing in the door way/threshold between two rooms. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

The neighboring room had a huge 24 pink styrofoam canvas, that was on the wall where the DJ table was set up. The room had imprints of me but it wasn’t my room any longer. So I walked in quickly able to glance at all of this and then quickly stepped out. As I was turning back to head to the room where the students were in, I saw coming up the stairway was B*. 

So we put our trust in you

Yes, we put our hope in 

He was informing me that it was his birthday, and invited me in to see the room. B was showing me the room, and we were on the bed that was against the wall; exactly how my bed is placed now in my room. B’s bed had the same pink Tommy Hilfiger sheets that is currently on my bed. He had four pillows against the wall, and his main pillow had some 90’s blue Coogi sweater designed to it. I was like saying something to him about the pillows, and was like “wow, you have four! Do you need all of them?” And he replied, “nah I don’t need them you can have them.” I was pulling off the pink pillowcases to take the pillows then stopped. 

That’s when the role playing started but nothing sexual happened. I wanted something to happened. The role playing was beginning to get violent because of how I found myself laying down on the bed, he grabbed my shoulders and hands from standing over me, and then I somehow found myself releasing from his weird grip. I was able to escape, but then B faced me and blood was coming out from the inner corner of his eyes; then he said this is what my mom went through on her wedding day, and that’s when I woke up. The dream represented the cumulative of everything that has been buried deep inside of me. The fact that I wanted something to happened between us, is an indicator of how I saw men, and how I see sex. Individuals that I should always have sex with, no wonder I was blocked and limited from dating. I’ve set myself to be a name brand junkie, and really based my worth on labels and how things looked from a worldly and broken standpoint, that it has been a constant prayer for God to renew my mind. I’m in constant prayer for God to hold me accountable to change my ways. 

You will deliver 

You’re a provider

I find my victory in you

Forever victorious 

Forever we win 

I find my victory in You

Turning 24 is the year that I’ve been stuck on, especially with specific moments in my life. I’ve been on replay with that day. 

You will deliver 

You’re a provider

I find my victory in you

Forever victorious 

Forever we win 

I find my victory in You

To me, 24 was the best birthday party and Regina Ann came to my birthday party and was represented as anchor to me. Regina Ann was someone I needed in my life. The God in me knew that. My mindset back then on friendship was that I’m always going to have to rotate friends, but that I was willing to settle for how Regina Ann was meant to be in my life. I was accustomed to settling in everything, no longer can I continue this. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I catered to the expectation of always settling in every area of my life: with my job, my 24th birthday, that had alcohol, and settling with a guy. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I surrender my 24th birthday God. I publicly settled with everything and God was determined to dismantle me settling with everything in the heart and mind. God is walking through settling, and me being dead. I was fixated on celebrating death. 

Now that I’m walking with you God thank you for keeping me safe, teach me to focus on celebrating life with those that truly love me. Show me how to love boldly and unafraid. Show me how to let go of the girl in middle school and high school, and all the way up to coming into faith on 4.4.14. To have self love and self esteem; and not the need to be accepted by others. Show me to switch my mindset that even though I work in a middle school God, I’m not in middle school. 

Show me how to accept that I can’t reverse time. God you had to keep me in a box, even though I was in the world and tried to join the world by application, you as my applicator rejected that process and I can no longer reject what’s not of you. I pray for my children for the ones I teach and the ones that will come from my womb to always fight to be their best self. I pray for B* to let go of the church he’s in so he can trust you with better. I let go of the familiarity that B* and I had to want something to happen. 

I never want to feed the wrong emotions intentionally and get a rise out of the ribcage you say is for me God. I choose to trust that this man will never hurt me, and that I should not want to get a rise out of him. All he wants to do is protect me, and walk through my brokenness. I choose to chase after you God and never compare the man you have for me with another man. I choose to speak love, not death ever again. I choose to see my blessings and to love him how he needs. God please prepare me to be what you need to be and what my ribcage needs. God I surrender all my obsessive qualities. God show me how to reach my students’ parents God, and focus on you not man, in lust, validation, or acceptance. You’re the man God I need to focus on only. God you kept me safe, change my mindset. God when something is meant to be you part the seas God. So I say yes to being foolish about your business, and not on the foolishness of the world. Amen. 

Victory Belongs To Jesus by Todd Delaney are filled with lyrics that pretty much sums up where and how I feel because the victory does belong to him.

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings sibs!!! Happy Holidays!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

In The Water  — December 4, 2016

In The Water 

Hanging on for love, for you, youI can’t get enough of you, you

12/4/16

Todays sermon on Luke 2:22-32: The Foolish Way of Waiting

1. Abide 

2. Be Prudent 

3. Discern

4. Community

Lord, I surrender the level of shame that I’ve had when it comes to publicly acknowledging, and letting it be known that you are God. I’ve leaned on my own understanding and fears, instead of being able to trust you in praising your name publicly amongst those who don’t see. It is solely you who works in us, and bring us from glory to glory. So Father God, I allowed shame to cause me to feed this ego of mine. Thinking that things have to come off like it was me who did it, when it was never me or will ever be that lie. I chose to allow the world have its way, instead of fighting for truth and your kingdom to be recognized and praised. Father God, I repent for my ways, and just choose to leap in taking these steps of not being unafraid or weary of how much you’ve blessed me. God I choose to speak of your name publicly on my lips so the whole world can see. God I choose to no longer feed my ego or Wynee. My tongues chooses to speak truth and not my fleshly identity. Correction is so hard for me to receive or listen to. That’s why you use Regina Ann as you do. That’s why you’ve taught her God to rise above my pushback. That’s why you are a far greater God than I could ever be. That’s why you lead me to Hebrews 11 below through Regina Ann so I could walk through my truths of shame. So I can finally be set free.

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”

Hebrews 11:13-16 NIV

I’m tired God. I’m tired of this battle between fear and truth. I’ve fed fear for so long, now hearing my reality check at new life, and witnessing a baptism hearing the powerful question: do you reject satan and the world? This is all too much. My bubbles popping is too much. I wasn’t asked that when I was baptized. The word ‘no’ pops about me rejecting the world and satan as my answer. I have to reject the world, and satan everyday. It takes 21 days to build a habit, good or bad. That reminds me of the Daniel fast I tried to get Regina Ann and I to do, which you blocked. I wanted a quick fix. My answer to my sins are quick fixes. But that is not your answer for my pruning or my walk. I have to choose truth everyday. I have tell myself, that I choose truth your way not my way. No one knows my struggle because spiritual warfare is brushed under a rug, when this is a very real part of this walk. Father God, who am I serving!? What master did I say yes to?! I pray it’s wholeheartedly you God. I pray Lord, that I’m seeking you daily. 

Feel the love 

Can you feel the love 

Feel the love 

It’s unconditional 

Fill it up

Go and fill it up 

Fill it up 

Something spiritual 

Here I am fighting to seek you daily. To choose the Holy Spirit and not my flesh, but it’s been quite the opposite lately. I’ve been feeding flesh all this time. I’m fighting but drowning and sunk. I’m here trying and pushing after you and it seems God, that nothing is working out. I choose you. I say that I choose you, but the flesh god facades choose to prevail on. Because I allow them. Letting go of control, and perfection is hard. And the paralyzing fears are what I keep feeding. I’ve been giving life silently, and now I’m drowning out what’s right and what is of God. 

You, you, you know there’s something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you got that flame getting hotter 

Flame getting hotter, flame getting hotter 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you know there’s something in the water

Something in the water

There’s something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water

Something, something 

I’m in need of the renewal of my mind God. I’m in need of change in my heart. I can no longer do the same things over and over expecting a different result. Yesterday I surrendered acting aloof like I don’t know what is going on, and being immature. I choose to step into the womanhood, that you’re calling me into. I don’t know how to do it. I believe that people don’t understand what it feels like to fight to hear your voice and to be still. But you show me through Regina Ann that isn’t true because you revealed so much to her that keeps shocking me. It’s me continuously leaning on my own understanding. It’s me continuously choosing my flesh. But God, I need you so desperately because I feel so out there that I don’t know where I am. 

I’m diving deep into you, you

Everything I need is you

I lay in a bed at night, and I am not comfortable. It’s a bed that I’ve been used to sleeping in. This has been my bed all my life. I am no longer comfortable with that bed. I’ve never been comfortable with myself, or my life for a very long time. I’ve been passing through probably waiting for death according to me. Probably thinking that I’m going to get killed or something. More of me leaning on my own understanding. 

Feel the love 

Can you feel the love 

Feel the love 

It’s unconditional 

Fill it up 

Go and fill it up 

Fill it up 

Something spiritual 

I don’t know how to be comfortable in your godly discomfort. I don’t know how to be still for long your way. But what I do know is that I need you. I am in desperate need of you. I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t do this how I used to anymore. I can’t. I can’t God. So here I am just begging you God at the altar needing you, and seeking you because I don’t know where to walk. It’s my shame, and my fears that I have to constantly surrender to you. I just need you God. I can’t anymore. I drown in you, and not in my own cesspool that I think is ordain by you. I choose you. 

No one knows of this according to me, but you keep showing me through Regina Ann that’s my own understanding I keep choosing to feed. There’s a lot you’ve revealed to her that she follows your lead and not go ahead of you. If I were her I would’ve went ahead of you God. That’s why I don’t know what she knows, I’m not mature enough to handle what you’ve pruned her to handle. 

You, you, you know there’s something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you got that flame getting hotter 

Flame getting hotter, flame getting hotter 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you know there’s something in the water

Something in the water

There’s something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water

Something, something

I don’t speak on everything that I go through, because I think that I can handle it. Yet Regina Ann knows the things I keep silent inside. I think that it will go away. No one knows, maybe a few ‘know.’ I’ve had a lot of hurt, and anger in my heart. I’m angry by the director, and principal at the school I work in. I’m angry at this broken education system. I’m angry at this world for how I became jaded. I’m angry at my parents for feeding the wrong spirit. I’m angry at my sister for having bubbles. I’m angry at everyone for not being understanding of how I process or think on things according to me. But the reality is Regina Ann understands. You showed her how. 

I still choose to be angry at you God because I’m alive, and I’m getting older and there’s these bondages that I have constant challenges with surrendering. God I’m so hurt by being here in Brooklyn, New York, and for so long I’ve been wanting to just leave and start new elsewhere. I thought I had to go anywhere else to find you, because I wasn’t finding you here. And then I did and now here I am. I’m just wanting to be still enough to understand what is it that you want from me? I’m struggling so badly God, just focusing on the wrong things, and not where you want me to seek or see. Clean my heart. Just clean everything about me. I surrender my flesh god facades. I surrender it all. I choose peace, show me and hold me accountable for taking a leap in wanting your truth and clarity. Push me to grow my faith and seek where you want me to be.

Feel the love 

Can you feel the love 

Feel the love 

It’s unconditional 

Fill it up 

Go and fill it up 

Fill it up 

Something spiritual 

The truth is God, I’m always condemning myself because I just don’t know how to approach you God. I’ve been called out or exposed or shown my transgressions, by Regina Ann or anyone else; it triggers me back to my childhood when I would get beatings. I’ve connected correction to abuse. 

I wouldn’t know how to approach the person afterwards when I was a child, so correction is abusive to me and I go to the same place. Not knowing if they still loved me, or not. The perfectionism happens because I’m aiming to have them love me, and aiming to know how to approach them again. I’ve put Regina Ann in the same place I put my parents. I’ve been treating Regina Ann all this time as if she abused me like my parents did when I was a child. This is what I do to you God so this is why there’s so many problems with my sisterhood with Regina Ann. Correction is abuse to me. 

Fast forward to where now and I’m an adult and this is what hinders our relationship God. I will never be good enough, and I’ll get slapped any second now. Correction is not abuse. I pray for the peace to truly see that, and understand that in my heart God, more than in my mind: You correct me because you love me. Father God I surrender my perfectionism spirit. I surrender the condemnation on myself, and truly want this and all surrenders to come from the heart and not be empty words. 

I’ve played mental games and they have caused me more pain than the freedom you want me to have God. Why do I still do this God? Remove this from me. Hold me accountable to no longer feed fears and choose your truths. Hold me accountable to finally stop running from being Still and not turning all of these words into hot air. I pray these words would have meaning God. I pray these words of surrender are from the depths of my heart. I don’t want to hear the lies to keep me where I’m at, so convict me with truth. Hold me accountable God. Show me myself so that I can pray for the removal of all things that are not of you. Father God, I pray for my words to have meaning. Show me how to be accountable of what’s of you, and your will for my life. Amen.

 In the Water by Gawvi in his Lost In Hue EP has just a uplifting rhythmic beat that truly is resembling about how God makes all things new. Love what this song is doing in Christian music and being the new wave of what worship can be and how we are all different instruments being used to bring God glory. 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! God bless bros and sis’!!!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Covered  —

Covered 

Grace, glorious grace, grace, glorious grace

At the cross You called it finished

Grace, wonderful grace,

Grace, wonderful grace

At the cross all of my sin is

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace,  

Oh covered, covered 

Covered by Your grace

11/28/16

Until this morning father God, I never spoke truly on what happened to me. Sometimes when an intense moment from my past pops up, in my head there’s a moment of stillness in my life that follows. Reflection has been happening lately about the days of when I was in sales, and on the field. There was a lot that would happen on the field. And when heading back to the office from being on the field for 8 hours, the sales culture I worked in didn’t allow any negative discussion, or any harsh experiences on the field that occurred because of new people. The managers would say as planting seeds: that you don’t remember the no’s when you get the yes; but what they also failed to tell you was that some of the no’s would haunt you forever. 

This is something that I have been suppressing, and not speaking up about since I was pushed out of the sales world almost 3 years ago. It’s also identical to the time I was beginning to come to my faith in God. I remember the no’s more than the yeses. I remember the doors slamming on my face and the curses people threw in my face. I am remember being threaten with that gun, which was so traumatic for me. But the fact that I showed up the next day, was me making the nonverbal decision to become a slave to the wrong master: money.

Grace, beautiful grace, grace, beautiful grace

At the cross, love everlasting

Grace, powerful grace, grace, powerful grace

At the cross all of my past is

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, 

Oh covered, (you got me) covered, covered by your grace

I became a slave to the sales world and everything that encompasses with it. I was upset when God was pushing me out of sales, and was closing all doors that was associated with this field. There were several situations, where God protected me from being assaulted or hurt. God is so faithful. It was hard to see God’s protection in the midst of me still wanting to cling to the brokenness, of money; that God was removing me from. 

I surrender the spirit of thinking I need to head back to the world of sales; to take care of unfinished financial business, when there isn’t any reason to go back to that darkness. I was great at making sales, but I also lost myself. I was beginning to dress in ways that would get a man’s attention in the wrong ways. I was heading down a road of utter destruction, not realizing in the midst of it, I was in the pit of my flesh which is death. 

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, (now I am covered by) now I am covered by Your grace

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace,  

Oh covered, (you cover me) covered, 

Oh I’m covered by Your grace


Father God, how you love me so much to save me from myself. The decisions that I’ve made on the field, are the very same ones that I am surrendering to you now. I am seeking you to renew my mind. For so long God, I chose myself and my ego, like the saying Beyoncé sings goes, “Me, myself and I is what I got in the end.” I would beg people for their availability of being my partner, or my friend. I was seeking and searching for that partnership, and working as a team my way. I made the mental switch, and vowed to work alone when I saw no one wanted to work with me….my way. To not work with others unless it’s a must, because I can do all this on my own…. my way. 

11/30/16

Every choice I make: good or bad has a rippling effect. But I decided to be still God, and choose love. I choose to leap in faith, despite how things look on the surface. I choose you. I surrender all God. The way that I micromanage people, and things. Trusting you about grad school, and these certifications, you have all God. Trusting you with next year. With my household. I surrender every attempts to try to control my life. I seek you instead of my way. It’s no longer about me. It’s about you, and your ways. I choose trust you God above all. I see why you are here with me in these storms in my life. I won’t let go no matter how hard everything gets. You have me Lord. I trust you over fears. I choose positivity over negativity. I choose stillness over my kinetic movements. I choose trusting in you over myself. I choose you above all God. 

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by…

I had a dream God that was about a brother in Christ who had feelings for me at one point. I didn’t want to connect this because I saw it all as untrue, he shouldn’t have any feelings for me because I’m not his rib. I saw in this dream that we were in this outdoor space, that had a beautiful scenery. Regina Ann* saw a restaurant that was nice to eat and me, and this other girl I haven’t seen since junior high or elementary was there taking a seat with me at this restaurant. 

Our food just showed up but Regina Ann wasn’t sitting down with us. She was down by some low valley patio of a restaurant that she was waving to us to come to, while our food just showed up. So we grab our stuff to go while our plate remain at the table. While heading down, I ran into the brother in Christ who had the feelings for me. He was wearing a pink/orange jacket with a white tee underneath. 

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by Your grace

I asked him if he was able to clear the table for me and he said yes. I also picked up from this brother that he was battling having feelings for me, and let go because he knows it’s not me. The former classmate and I started headed down to where Regina Ann was, but all of a sudden carved out wood doors open up for us to enter to another room that looked like a hotel lobby. We kept walking past everything and everyone. I saw that the security desk had another brother in christ. 

I saw a sister in Christ that Regina Ann and I are growing into a fellowship with she had a messed up nail polish on her left thumb. That’s the last part of the dream I remembered. I woke up saying to myself what was that about? The brother in Christ with the jacket is about to enter a beautiful covenant with his soulmate. I pray that whatever he’s holding on to or wish should’ve happen he surrenders to God. It came to me that he was thinking that we had a chance to have something happen, because of our commonalities and similar upbringings. But God doesn’t confirm stagnancy. He confirms growth. God confirms ways that are higher. God confirms edification. There is no edification in flesh. There’s no growth in flesh.

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, oh

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, oh

(I am) covered, (covered in your grace) covered, covered by Your grace

There’s a part of me that battles me liking these wrong men liking me. My flesh. My flesh feeds chaos, and my ego. My flesh does more harm than good for me. So the truth is I’m not ready for a relationship, if I can’t even be upfront with how I like the attention that I get from men and battle surrendering this. How could I be ready for a marriage? Or even a healthy sisterhood? That’s why I have so much issues with people. The impurities on my heart, the impurities that I allow to dwell in my heart. 

It’s honestly a control flesh god facade, because I know that nothing will truly happen with these men because I know who my ribcage is; but it’s honestly feeding that side that falsely leads me to believe that I need to experience a wrong relationship, so that I can be ‘better’ prepared for my God ordained marriage. I can be prepared for whenever I get courted or taken out on a date because I did it wrong too. I can finally experience things that normally people did. So in reality I was feeding the world’s expectation of what normal is, and what is tolerable to my life according to me. God has saved me from a hinderance to my facade, because of what the world has to be the okay with the way to live. Pleasing man became more important than pleasing you God.

12/1/16

This mental shutting off that I’m experiencing God is so real. It’s so hard waking up every day and just push through. Father God, how I need your strength. I’m crying out to you in-regards to needing you. I’m teaching and I’m dealing with the nonsense I am dealing with, on various levels of disrespect and disregard is a lot. There’s a lot going on, especially when it’s so close to the end of the year. It seems all the aggression, and anger that’s been hidden has been stored up to the point of no longer wanting to get out of bed. I no longer want to educate your children. How badly I just want to quit it all God. How badly I want to walk away from this calling? 

It’s been over a week since I’ve read your word. Today I tried for like a split second. I miss the humble beginnings when I was able to read your word at a designate time every day. And these days, I have to fight and catch my breath, and realize it’s time to just fight, and make the time to read the word. How much I feel disrespected. How much I feel like there’s micro-aggression at my job? How status is what gets you heard, and what gets your voice to have opinions or to be taken seriously? Lord, how I went through it these last few months. How I just would break out and cry, no one would practically know, but I went through it. I only did it clinging to you. Lord, I pray for discernment as I continue to work with others, who want to feed their own need instead of being there for others. I pray for just clarity over everything. Lord, walk with me. Cover me Lord.

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by…

I thank you for your grace father God, for how you cover me with your grace endlessly. Father God, it’s the weekend and I know that changes are ahead and I’m only walking, with the changes because of you God. I’m also just trusting you as I let go of it all, my past, the years at the business. and just my time at my old church. I trust you with the leaps that I’m taking God because you are covering me.

Covered by Planetshakers from their This Is Our Time (Live) is simply what God is doing in me. He is covering me as I come face to face with my truths and who I’ve been. God has covered me since conception but it’s up to me to fully understand and believe that I’ve received his grace freeing myself from my condemnation regardless of what I’ve done or where I’ve been. 

(Oh) No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by Your grace

Happy Reading!! Happy Listening!! God bless you on your journey!! Xoxo 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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