Who will stand against the Lord

No one can, no one will

Who can stand against our King

No one can, no one will 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I had a dream during my nap today God. In the dream there were kids from my school, and some other kids of whom I didn’t know. They were sitting in the dining, and living room area of my house taking a state test. I had to call up a parent because one of the kids was acting up during the exams. The height of some of the kids varied between short and tall. I at one point, thought will my kids will look short and Regina Ann’s* will look like models in the dream. I was comparing the kids, the very thing I hated done to me when I was growing up, I’ve projected on the kids. Clean my heart Lord. 

Who can stand against the Lord

No one can, no one will

Who can stand against the King

No one can, no one will

Lunch time came, and the parent came after the phone call that was about their child’s behavior during testing. The parent was looking through my papers on the desk, and said “isn’t it lunch time”? They were testing, and needed to eat, so they went to the backyard through the basement of my house. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

This girl named Olive looked like Regina Ann’s daughter. Then the rest of the kids were lined up alongside the wall from the basement of my house go to outside. Outside of my house, in the backyard was where there were picnic tables set up, for people that were around the tables seemed familiar; but I couldn’t make out their faces. Once the kids grabbed their lunch, they found their way upstairs to my room; that was turned into an indoor dining patio set. I was standing in the door way/threshold between two rooms. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

The neighboring room had a huge 24 pink styrofoam canvas, that was on the wall where the DJ table was set up. The room had imprints of me but it wasn’t my room any longer. So I walked in quickly able to glance at all of this and then quickly stepped out. As I was turning back to head to the room where the students were in, I saw coming up the stairway was B*. 

So we put our trust in you

Yes, we put our hope in 

He was informing me that it was his birthday, and invited me in to see the room. B was showing me the room, and we were on the bed that was against the wall; exactly how my bed is placed now in my room. B’s bed had the same pink Tommy Hilfiger sheets that is currently on my bed. He had four pillows against the wall, and his main pillow had some 90’s blue Coogi sweater designed to it. I was like saying something to him about the pillows, and was like “wow, you have four! Do you need all of them?” And he replied, “nah I don’t need them you can have them.” I was pulling off the pink pillowcases to take the pillows then stopped. 

That’s when the role playing started but nothing sexual happened. I wanted something to happened. The role playing was beginning to get violent because of how I found myself laying down on the bed, he grabbed my shoulders and hands from standing over me, and then I somehow found myself releasing from his weird grip. I was able to escape, but then B faced me and blood was coming out from the inner corner of his eyes; then he said this is what my mom went through on her wedding day, and that’s when I woke up. The dream represented the cumulative of everything that has been buried deep inside of me. The fact that I wanted something to happened between us, is an indicator of how I saw men, and how I see sex. Individuals that I should always have sex with, no wonder I was blocked and limited from dating. I’ve set myself to be a name brand junkie, and really based my worth on labels and how things looked from a worldly and broken standpoint, that it has been a constant prayer for God to renew my mind. I’m in constant prayer for God to hold me accountable to change my ways. 

You will deliver 

You’re a provider

I find my victory in you

Forever victorious 

Forever we win 

I find my victory in You

Turning 24 is the year that I’ve been stuck on, especially with specific moments in my life. I’ve been on replay with that day. 

You will deliver 

You’re a provider

I find my victory in you

Forever victorious 

Forever we win 

I find my victory in You

To me, 24 was the best birthday party and Regina Ann came to my birthday party and was represented as anchor to me. Regina Ann was someone I needed in my life. The God in me knew that. My mindset back then on friendship was that I’m always going to have to rotate friends, but that I was willing to settle for how Regina Ann was meant to be in my life. I was accustomed to settling in everything, no longer can I continue this. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I catered to the expectation of always settling in every area of my life: with my job, my 24th birthday, that had alcohol, and settling with a guy. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I surrender my 24th birthday God. I publicly settled with everything and God was determined to dismantle me settling with everything in the heart and mind. God is walking through settling, and me being dead. I was fixated on celebrating death. 

Now that I’m walking with you God thank you for keeping me safe, teach me to focus on celebrating life with those that truly love me. Show me how to love boldly and unafraid. Show me how to let go of the girl in middle school and high school, and all the way up to coming into faith on 4.4.14. To have self love and self esteem; and not the need to be accepted by others. Show me to switch my mindset that even though I work in a middle school God, I’m not in middle school. 

Show me how to accept that I can’t reverse time. God you had to keep me in a box, even though I was in the world and tried to join the world by application, you as my applicator rejected that process and I can no longer reject what’s not of you. I pray for my children for the ones I teach and the ones that will come from my womb to always fight to be their best self. I pray for B* to let go of the church he’s in so he can trust you with better. I let go of the familiarity that B* and I had to want something to happen. 

I never want to feed the wrong emotions intentionally and get a rise out of the ribcage you say is for me God. I choose to trust that this man will never hurt me, and that I should not want to get a rise out of him. All he wants to do is protect me, and walk through my brokenness. I choose to chase after you God and never compare the man you have for me with another man. I choose to speak love, not death ever again. I choose to see my blessings and to love him how he needs. God please prepare me to be what you need to be and what my ribcage needs. God I surrender all my obsessive qualities. God show me how to reach my students’ parents God, and focus on you not man, in lust, validation, or acceptance. You’re the man God I need to focus on only. God you kept me safe, change my mindset. God when something is meant to be you part the seas God. So I say yes to being foolish about your business, and not on the foolishness of the world. Amen. 

Victory Belongs To Jesus by Todd Delaney are filled with lyrics that pretty much sums up where and how I feel because the victory does belong to him.

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings sibs!!! Happy Holidays!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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