I abandon my addiction to the certainty of life 

And my need to know everything 

This illusion cannot speak 

It cannot walk with me tonight

As I taste life’s fragility 

12/11/16

How can I let go of it all? The very thing that that puts a strain on our sisterhood is the very thing that I’ve been struggling with. Father God, hold me accountable to stop nitpicking, being condescending, instead of not in love, and not leaning on the spirit. To lean on you and not my own understanding. Show me how to die father God. How can Wynee die so that you can live and dwell in me? I pray for how I caused this strain. I pray for how I made things become so defensive. I pray for your removal on any negativity resulting, that happened from my actions and lack of respect in my sisterhood with Regina Ann*  

I am looking for a Savior

I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us 

May a broken God be known

Within the earth beneath our feet

Let our souls behold humility 

Let our souls behold humility

I’m just disrespectful and truly don’t know how to be there all the time for people. Then there’s the fact that you’ve been telling me to wait on things and I’m like for what? Why wait? When there’s so much that I’ve been told to wait on for already. It’s insane to me God, but yet I still choose obedience, even when it may appear that I’m crazy or not making sense. I’m just wanting to be past this place of my life, and there’s also that I have accountability from Regina Ann to ensure that I’m on track, and really trying to push to be aligned and sensitive to the Holy Spirit 

Lord, I don’t care to be aligned when I’m also having to wait. For what? Again I ask because I’m like what is the wait for, when all I’m doing is not being able to understand all the way through on how to be there for Regina Ann*. I fail her like everyday to the point that I’m like I am going to lean on my own understanding on just being distance, because she will have people who will pour into her, sharpen her and know how to just simply be there from jump to start. I’m tired of failing; and here I am just wanting to someone not be surrounded by my brokenness, and not feel that they have to get defensive or be prepared for whenever I come at them the way Regina Ann is always prepared.

When our plans become the casualties

Of getting through the day

And we begin to know our weakness 

And denial isn’t strong enough

To hold our fears at bay 

And we can’t escape 

It’s not fair that this is where we are. This is not fair that my actions, and my brokenness from the past has truly changed her, and has not been healthy for her. I’m tired of hurting my friend. I’m tired of being me and here I am surrendering, but I’m sure whatever I’m saying to you isn’t authentic; because my words are empty to her and no longer can be trusted. She’s so guarded. I at one point had caught feelings for the man that God has confirmed her to, that she struggles to believe is true and wants to be done. She struggles with wrestling with God to move on, because of how everything looks. 

I am looking for a Savior

I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us 

May a broken God be known

Within the earth beneath our feet

Let our souls behold humility 

Let our souls behold humility

I almost tried it with my brokenness. I almost tried to ruin my blessings with my own ribcage. I just don’t need to be around people, when I can’t practice any healthy habits. When I’ve had a mindset that I can have any man that I want without any repercussions. That whether they were married or not, or single or not, it just didn’t matter because me wanting them was what was all that needed to be factored. This has translated into now I have to fight to respect the sanctity of a marriage, or someone in a relationship. 

I am looking for a Savior

I can see and know and touch

One who dwells within the midst of us 

May a broken God be known

Within the earth beneath our feet

Let our souls behold humility 

Let our souls behold humility

My ways of having this misguided, and unhealthy behavior is probably when God intervenes everyday on things. I truly am the wrong person to be friends with. I’m truly someone who just needs Jesus to heal this brokenness that is inside of me. I don’t want to be around Regina Ann, because I tried it with her. I tried to go after the man that she’s confirm to, at the very beginning of us entering our old church. Father God, I’m now realizing how badly I need you when there’s seriously so much I’ve been doing, that has been damaging to me and everyone around me, especially Regina Ann.

I see the sympathy of heaven

In the earth and wind and trees

I see hope within the morning sun 

And it’s setting

I’m someone who has made terrible worldly decisions, that has now I lead to sex being on my broken mind. Father God, clear my mind. Just remove all things that have lead me here. I surrender my empty words, and my heart to you, to be filled with your love. Empty me Lord. Father God, I choose to do things your way from this point on. I can no longer do things on my own understanding. I can no longer make believe that leaning on my own understanding and battle flesh, and spirit is the way, because it’s not. 

12/16/16

The days are counting down father God, only 15 days left of 2016. So much has happened, and so much has been revealed. Father God? I’m excited for the upcoming year. I’m excited for your will being done, and that your kingdom will come. I pray for a reset and a renewing of my mind in 2017. 

I am searching for meaning

I was looking for healing

I am haunted by Your reflection

I was blinded by my addictions

I am torn apart by the dying

I am giving up on escaping

Will I learn to live without taking?

Will I learn to see beauty in the making?

Hey Dad, I’m no longer going to keep choosing to look back. The doors you close I won’t try to reopen. The people you remove, I won’t try to bring them back. The doors you open, I will walk through them. Father God, I choose love not my own understanding. 

12/21/16

How do I find the way communicate and live out your truths? I tell people I’m here at my job, because of God but may actions show something else. How can I really be free from my past? How can I be free from my own selfishness and pride? I’ve carried on hurt that has lasted within me for years. I don’t know what to do anymore God. I’m so bothered by how I’m unable to be coached or approached. I feel so sucky in the position that I am in, and I feel like I’m not doing anything in my life. I haven’t been able to just understand how I truly feel.

Looking For A Savior by United Pursuits accurately describes the sentiments that I am feeling towards God. Where are you in the current season in my life? The feelings that I’m feeling have you no word for them? But through it all still trusting in God’s endless grace and mercy. This songs describes the humming of knowing that God is right there alongside the battle as he already won the war. 

I can’t pretend to know the beginning from the end

But there’s beauty in the life that’s given 

We may bless or we may curse 

Every twist and every turn 

Will we learn to know the joy of living?

Will we learn to know the joy of living?

Happy reading! Happy listening! Be well and God bless! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

 

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