Wyn's Playlist

© Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com, 2014-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Survival Mode — January 25, 2017

Survival Mode

Lord, I need you with my finances, 

It’s a struggle to get a reimbursement, 

and the money is still so little. 

Like how am I suppose to survive?
They don’t understand my struggle,

as my stomach grumbles. 

I truly am just struggling,

with the size that I am, 

a medium from an extra large,

doesn’t change, that 

I’m not a small or a one

They don’t know, but do they

Do they know how I feel? 

Do they care I don’t feel loved,

because I was the ESL girl,

with the bubbles in her hair 

I have been put down so far,

that I didn’t lean on God,

because I believe 

he placed me down 

there with the backing of Jesus 

Jesus are you real? 

I’m here doubting, 

because of how things been

Jesus are you real? 

Because I’m here doubting, 

due dates of broken promises 
This place triggers everything, 

that has happened to me,

every day before I came to you God. 

This place triggers the fight,

that I’ve had to face practically all of my life. 

This place triggers,

that I will never measure

to anything because of my position 

This place triggers the ten years, 

I’ve wasted on a crush,

that was never going to lead nowhere

This place triggers,

that I’ve been struggling

for all of my life, 

and I’m trying to make something,

out of myself

I’m still struggling 

This place triggers, 

that I’m not successful 

based on the world’s standards 

This place triggers,

that I have guilt and regret 

of the decisions, 

that I’ve made in the past 

This place triggers, 

that I don’t know what I want, 

God you hold off 

on telling me more 

This place triggers, 

that I’m not there,

and may never be 

This place triggers, 

that I have to prove

to broken people 

how smart I am, 

because I went to a college, 

that no one has ever heard of 

I’m just triggered everyday,

that I don’t love people, 

I have a hard time with humans 

who exist no matter the age 

I have a hard time, 

with this place that I’m in, 

that I’ve been placed on hold 

to create, I just wanted a space to claim because then the claim would be public 

and not heed by grieving 

I just wanted what was true 

and what was promise

I keep choosing the broken things,

because they are empty promises 

that I’ve been praying,

and hoping to come true, 

but then there’s changing 

the rules that I have to get use to 

God, it’s a hobbit of habits 

what I do now? 

Advertisements
Victory in His Grace  — January 24, 2017

Victory in His Grace 

God I surrender what I’ve blamed,

just letting go of the broken cycle. 

I thought was the way. 

I choose your way. 

I let down everything. 

I just lay it all down. 

Take away the deep clinging to brokenness that I’ve laid and made my bed in God. 

Take away the foolishness of my accord not of you 

Take away the lies and the scales that I gave the world to make real 

Take away the cheap thrills and meals to satisfy the hunger that only you fully fill

Take away the bondages that I find the rope to bond up in 

Take away the chains to the keys that I’ve locked myself in 

Take away the strings that are a part of my broken acquired DNA 

Take away the ways that I thought I could and should change 

Thinking I could do certain things my way and changing how I should look 

I didn’t want your healing

I just wanted what you can come with, a river of betterment to bandaid my healing 

I just wanted your reaping without harvesting or planting your fruitful seeds in the garden 

God I wanted what was free without being redeemed to your glory

Change my mind to receive what’s worthy of you and receives your glory

Make me over God

Change my eyes and smiles to be filled of love and not lies

Show me how to fully love myself and not look back like last time 

Show me how to love your sons and daughters without a mascot of odors and dismays

Show me the way as I say yes to today and not the reels of yesterday 

No longer vibing, or shining because it’s only your light that needs to be seen

Let You Go — January 22, 2017

Let You Go

We have sought the truth when we’ve felt the pain

Even wandered beyond our faith in the name

We cannot pretend we are always ok

We cannot depend on fast food grace

They don’t know my struggles. They don’t know my feelings. Who is “they” the unity that tolerates disrespect. I never looked like Regina Ann* or Lanta* or Rose*. I just looked like how God made me, and they didn’t believe that someone like my ribcage could be interested in me. I wasn’t what the unity believe should be around me. You also showed them that you backed them up with their resound. So no, I don’t forgive them and that ribcage don’t care about me; so it doesn’t matter what I do or you do. Why? Did God show me that guy, where now I don’t believe it’s him, because of what is seen.

You chose to believe in them and not what I stand in. 

You watch me get disrespected by every single person that I came across paths with. 

I can’t believe in you anymore. 

I battle believing in God, because of all that has been done. 

I have no resources. 

Just piles of debt. 

Just piles of setbacks. 

Just piles of failed attempts. 

I’m tired of everything that involves you and I. I’ve been disrespected by the ones who you slept with or attempted to but God blocked it. I’m so hurt and jaded by that church and my faith. 

I’m so hurt and jaded by you. 

Because you never took things to God and ask him how to do this. 

You publicly disrespected. 

Please leave my heart. 

You never wanted it in the first place. 

You just wanted your sex and your starlights. Now you can have it. 

You had God made me show up so that you can sound well and your paychecks can be fatten. Now here I am wanting to make something out of myself, and I get block because I can’t proceed without you. 

Watch me! 

Watch me because I am determined to forget you, 

you never wanted my heart, 

you only wanted me to get to your star status as fast as you can.

I wanted a meal ticket from a guy, because that’s the only thing I believe I was worth. 

I wasn’t good enough to the ones that depended on how they look to get the real good looking ones. 

I wasn’t. 

I was also to scarred to be dated. 

I don’t know why, 

I thought it was a good idea to save myself for marriage, when marriage involves a union. 

I was mislead on what the union would look like. God I don’t believe in you. 

In your word or who you are anymore. 

I feel like I wasted my time in my old church I was in. 

I truly just feel like people were so disrespectful, and just mean and didn’t see me as worthy to be in there space; because of who I am and how I look. 

I battle a lot of self worth, because I experience the worse welcoming in a church environment, that didn’t want me but wanted the people that I came with. 

Help me let You go

Help me give up control

of the god i have made you

when my fear has contained you

I realize that not even Rose has even asked me about this man. Because she doesn’t believe it. She believes in Regina Ann’s; but doesn’t even believe in what God has told me about this man. That’s probably why I don’t want to talk to others. That’s probably why I used to go after other women’s men because watch me take your man from you since you think that he would never be interested in me; that’s how broken I am or was. My insecurities of how I look causes me to feed the same brokenness over and over again. I’m always picking apart how I look. Lanta told me last night to stop picking apart my beautiful face at Regina Ann’s birthday celebration last night. No one would believe that the likes of that man God keeps showing me in church or society can possible be interested in me. So I’m like watch you suffer since you trained everyone to make me feel like I’m not able or deserve to be loved for who I am. 

I’m not enough for me because I was never enough for anyone. 

I was never enough for my parents. 

I was never enough for teachers, peers, or coaches. 

I don’t want to take anyone’s advice, because I’ve been disrespected for so long. 

I don’t trust what anyone has to say. 

No one wanted to see me be set up for success.   

They actually said to me that maybe I’m not cut out for this education path, so I had to prove to them that I can do anything. 

I got three other offers last year after I was told I can’t be a teacher. I always get motivated by someone telling me I can’t do something. 

I mind screwed myself to perform or function when someone doubts me. 

I don’t believe in myself because you block me God from doing things my way. 

You block me from starting the businesses that I want to start. 

You tell me that I have to wait on someone who is already ahead and successful. 

The fact that Rose doesn’t believe in what I’m telling her, because she sees what I see: if a man is truly interested in a woman then he would make a move, is how I know that it’s not him. 

It’s 2017, and he’s not interested in me, he never was. 

It was always me making the moves. 

I was the one who had to be in the pews and waited and be true. 

But he didn’t want me, he never did; because you can’t want what’s not for you. 

I made this man up. 

I made up the flutters and everything. 

I created facades about him. 

So I’m moving on, and choosing healthy truths. I’m choosing the fact that I don’t know who is meant to be for me is, but I know that one day I will believe that God is good. 

I wish him much success. 

I wish him God’s ordained for his life. 

when the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived 

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

God heal me to get past the hurt that has occurred in me for all of my life. God, should I even call on you when I’m here struggling, and just trying to make something out of myself. 

You are not able to be there for another human being, but you still can managed to make a fat paycheck, and not encounter half that I’ve dealt with. 

You are just like them even worse, because you witness the disrespect. 

God isn’t showing me how to pay my bills, but he’s showing me someone who can pay their bills and them some. 

I’m failing my certs exams, but you passed all your schooling, and you have your prestige pedigrees that you didn’t even need; because you were always welcome at the table. 

I had to work twice as hard, because I was prejudged for not being good enough, when you were handing the keys to open any doors. 

I am struggling to walk most days, and have trouble walking up or walking down the stairs. You can freely walk without any pain. 

When you are mention with others, they look at me like I’m insane. 

Like what happened today with Rose. 

So I’m the one who is making everything up, and it’s not okay.  

The day that you did what you did reminded me that you were just like the rest of them. 

You were no better, because you followed suit instead of standing up against the grain. 

You didn’t want to lose the false unity that you had for someone of the likes of me, because you know you had to be upfront? and state the truth. 

You’re good with who you are, so please let me be free. 

Stop praying for us, because I stopped praying for us when you chose the wrong victory. 

It was the victory that feed who you are and not joined with me. 

You liked it. 

You enabled it, and now that I’ve called you out, you want to act like you’re sorry. 

You never was, so please don’t use the reruns ruse that you’ve used on blondie and tall, and petite on me. 

I’m not them and was never their lump sum. 

You won. 

You wanted me broken and defeated and hurt and battered. 

So you won. 

I feel like railroad tracks ran over me. 

My eyes have opened on who you are. 

You are with us now

You have always been

When we’re found without

You’re found within

Like today’s sermon said, don’t need to be attached to anything or anyone. 

I lose control and obsessiveness. 

I was obsessive over us and we weren’t God’s best. 

I choose to have freedom in God and just be detached from all things that are not a part of God’s promises. 

I hate this path that I’m in and I hate that I’m in a journey that requires me to look so foolish that it makes me doubt what it is that you God has ever said to me. 

I pick up that people doubt what I say or tell them because of how I look. 

Because of how I don’t look a certain way. 

I won’t be the modelesque that this world has based it self on. 

You called me to be different when society accepts the difference but christians do not. You call me to change, but christians don’t want to receive the change that I bring. 

So here I am struggling to hear you God, because the lies of the enemy is what wins even in your own churches as christians. 

How I can compete and win when I’m battling against the Regina Ann’s, the Lanta’s, and the Rose’s.

I’ve been bullied to the point that I didn’t want to do this assignment anymore. 

You’ve blocked me from being successful. 

I don’t care about my heart, because there’s others out there who has a heart of stone and are extremely successful. 

But I’m struggling. 

I’m battling. 

I get complimented but I twist it because I don’t believe that I’m good enough for the quota, and quota of the ‘right people.’ 

I don’t want this walk. 

You can have it. 

You can give it to someone else who knows how to handle it. 

You can bless the right people when I’m feeling suffering daily. 

I’m pushing you do this. 

I don’t want no one to help me, because they get coached better than me. 

I’m barely able to keep my head afloat, and you tell me the nonsense that you tell me God. 

I don’t want to pray for others when they can’t even match my feet. 

You can do you God, you always have and you always will. 

I can barely hear anyways, so whatever you are telling me is like congested with the air. 

There’s no way that you want the best for me God. There’s no way. The fact that Rose got to go to sweet chick, which is a place that I’ve wanted to go since before it’s become what it has become, is the absurdity of I see that you don’t love me; because if you did then you wouldn’t block me as much as you have God. The fact remains that I’m struggling and you don’t even care because you have me out here waiting in vain God. 

When the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived 

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

Just waiting in vain every single day until I’m like 99 like Abraham to receive the blessings. You don’t even want to bless me now. That’s not okay. So I’m going to do me without you. I’ve tried it you your way, and it didn’t work. The fact that I’ve used to work out, and no one has notice that I’ve lost weight, confirms that I’m still fat in pictures, and to people. No one sees that I’m not an xl or xxl, and that is disheartening. 

The vortex that I tried to leave was what you used to prove how you can mess with me. 

You proved a point, that you can conspire a whole community to publicly alienate me; because you didn’t like what I was, or what I come with. 

There’s the inability to let go of what has happened in the past. 

There’s the inability to move on. 

There’s the inability to trust his voice, and trust that I’m not wrong. 

There’s so much inability to be and live in the present and move on. 

There’s inability to want to see that I’ve wanted to be validated by the very fake unity who rejected me and played me. 

There’s inability to see that I want worldly things more than Godly things. 

There’s an inability to see that I don’t want freedom, when I know and believe that I can thrive on brokenness. 

There’s an inability to see that I don’t want to be healthy or move in 2017, and renew my mindset and headspace. 

I can’t go back to this. I can’t go back to this space. I have to receive what’s is His and His name. That’s the only way to be redeemed and freed from my mistakes and embrace God’s grace.

Let You Go by United Pursuit explains the letting go of every emotion that changes who God is in our space. It’s letting go of how small we made God, how big we capitalized the fear. The song speaks in profound ways to me, in the verses that mimics where my life has landed with God. 

Help me let You go

Help me give up control

of the god i have made you

when my fear has contained you

Happy reading!! Happy Listening!! Blessings!! 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

In Sync — January 20, 2017

In Sync

We’re not in sync 

He’s not in this 

He’s not welcome here 

I’m tired of the same ruse, the same abuse

I choose truth not you

The lies that have been recorded and audited will never be gleam. 

I’m done with this stuff with rhyming and gliding, trying to find the words to mix clean

I don’t want this nor him

He doesn’t want this is what I perceive because of how He is treating me. 

I think I’m a calling of avoiding what’s meant to be 

I’m the one that’s hoarding things all in

I don’t want his sex, his bliss, I just want His truth to be free from all of this

I just want his kiss to be real

I just want his touch to be sincere 

I don’t doubt his love, I choose to feed fear which corrupts his love 

Can’t stand fear, it’s no where near and that’s real 

That’s an inconsistency in our communication God

I come to you wanting to know how to press on

Wanting to know how to get far, but you don’t answer me though

You tell me to hold on 

You tell me to let go, so I let go

What else is the lie 

He’s not free, he stays wealthy in a world full of lies 

He picks freedom because he knows it involves you 

He doesn’t talk to me about his love, so I have to go search for it elsewhere 

I have to go look for it somewhere 

Since I’m not good enough or cute enough to be the one he needs near
For a while now I was seeking, no amount of makeup could keep secret nor peeking the details of dreams railed. 
I choose to let go and seek soul not the world or what I know

I exchange regurgitated for greatness

Exchange repeats for newness

Exchange anger for joy 

Seek peace upon all 

Seek First  — January 16, 2017

Seek First 

Peace that passes, my understanding 
Love that conquers, my fear and regret 

Joy unending, eternal mleasure

In your presence, my risen King

1/9/17

God am I negative? Then show me how to be in love. Show me how to surrender this flesh fire that I have within my heart. Show me how to not have my negativity spill on to others. I don’t want this life anymore that involves me being negative. I’m tired of hurting Regina Ann*, and hearing that I’m not there for her. Show me how to be better. I surrender my negative spirit. What are the wrong things that I’m feeding God? Show me so that you can hold me accountable to not do them? God I need you. Where are you when I am dealing with this high amounts of negativity that spews on others? Show me how to let go of it. Show me how to just let go of it all. I don’t want to be negative anymore. I don’t want to remain broken anymore. 

Show me how to be healthy. Show me how Lord. I need you Lord. I just need you to remove the negativity in my life. In my heart. In my mind. In my touch. Let my touches be tender and soft, not harsh and hard. Let my love be sweet and sincere, not hard and bitter. Father God, show me how to truly be there and how to truly love. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried it my way and now I can no longer do this my way. Lord show me how to love your way. Show me how to just be a pure lighter of love to others. Show me how Lord. I can’t continue on with the way that I have been moving. I no longer know how to continue on with the way that I have, but Lord you know what is good and of you, so I seek you be that. One who brings and bears good fruit. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

I repent for who I was to Regina Ann. I wasn’t there for here or positive. God you have her. I wish that we can start over, and go back to when we first got saved. That I surrendered all of this and gave you all of me; instead I’ve held on to brokenness that has literally destroyed my relationships with others. I hate that I’m funny. I don’t get why that has to be my gift. It makes me feel like I’m a comedian who will set themselves on fire or secretly battles depression. I’m unhappy with this season in my life God. I’m unhappy with everything. And it’s hard. It’s very hard to get up every day and praise you. 

Why do I compete with my sisters God instead of uplifting them? Why do I not have healthy relationships? I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t even budging. I don’t need to be crying, because it’s all my fault. Here I am in this classroom corner, and just wanting you to take me to space or somewhere far away.

 Peace that passes, my understanding

Love that conquers, my fear and regret 

Joy unending, eternal mleasure

In your presence, my risen King

1/11/17

Father God, the #lesstruggle is so real. I just truly am done with where I am right now. Every time I try to make moves or proceed forward, I get block God so badly. I truly am just done with this season. I just want some milestones happening where I’m not being blocked for every corner that I’m turning. I’m over these delays.

1/15/16

What is this feeling that is in my heart God? 

Please tell me as I walk with you, and choose not to feed my brokenness in flesh. I choose to believe that you love me unconditionally; when for so long I truly believed that you never did. I thought that I had to seek the likes on social media, and validation amongst people so that I could be loved and treated right. I had to beg for someone to see that I’m good enough to be with. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

God, I brokenly believe that me being bullied was because I deserved it. I didn’t know my worth or I was pretty enough. I didn’t think I was popular enough or knew what’s in right now in the world. Father God, I was mad at you for getting saved on 4/4/14, because I was like I’m not done proving myself to the world. I believed that I had to prove myself to be seen that I’m important, creative, and beautiful. That I deserved to be loved. The place that I got saved in from jump never loved me truly or welcomed me. The first year at my job, I wasn’t truly loved or welcomed. I had feelings of being ostracized every day for so long. I’ve had these feelings most of my life. 

Today’s sermon at church truly broke the chain and bondage that I had towards validation in man. I truly choose to let go God, and just let you take over and see your truth above my own brokenness. I am loved by you. I always was, and forever will be loved by you. You father God never strayed from loving me, when there were moments that I strayed from loving and choosing you. 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Father God, as you show me that the reasons for my journey and trails were to lead me back to you, I began to see that you love me so much. God you knew that I was going to choose you whenever or whatever I was going through or feeling. I choose to actively fight to believe that you love me, and that you’ve confirmed me already. 

I hold on to your truths and not my own. Where I am, moving on from here is only forward because I choose to let go. Show me God what to do. Show me God, how to love you and your people. How I need you God, and how your silence was never abandonment but your working for the blessings to come whenever I overcome this mess. You were always working on my behalf even when I was angry at you, you never stopped working, because you’re a good good father. 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Thank you God, for my new found freedom. What 4/4/14 did was began the entry to healing, removing myself from whatever stake I tried to place in the world. God you used how I saw the church to give up my weapons, in what I considered to bring freedom and choose him, and I’ve been going through the metamorphosis of a renewed mind; with new eyes and new gills to breath through. Beyond borders leads to overcoming fear, so I choose you God to overcome my ways, and choose you like Genesis 12. I allow you to lead me as I leave, receive and believe in your love.

Seek First by HouseFires is off of their HouseFires III album. Seek First represents a needed reminder of how much I need to seek God always. I’m in a very frustrated season of stillness and waiting. There’s a lot that God has shown me and I have to wait for certain matters to fall into place and most days I’m over waiting after everything that I’ve been through. I know how to do a lot but God is deliberately slowing me down and it’s very frustrating. But that grace and mercy of God is what grounds me and reminds me of how much I love God, which outweighs how much I want to make moves. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

You have given it to me

You have given it to me 

Happy reading and God bless!!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Glory To The Lamb — January 8, 2017

Glory To The Lamb

Glory to the Lamb

Glory to the Lamb

Glory to the Lamb 

Everybody sing (Glory to the Lamb) 

We sing (Glory to the Lamb)

We give our (Glory to the Lamb)

We sing (Glory to the Lamb)

1/4/17

Lord, work in me. Something is stirring. This is hard. This is hard. Only you God can walk me through these various ranges of emotions, and show me how to give them all to you. I can’t explain the stirring of cries that I feel in my heart. Be with your children God. Be with those who are in the very space that I am in, and actively having to fight to trust and put you first. Lord, just walk with me as I live on this earth. Lead me to what it right and of you only. Lord, you have it all. I come to you because I can’t do this on my own. I cannot keep deluding myself to believe that I can. Walk with me God. Just hold me, and comfort me in this season of unknowing; point me in growing my blind faith, and trust in you. Show me God how to release these emotions on to you. Father God, work on my heart, mind, and keep me in your Holy Spirit.

And this is why, for he is (Alpha)

And Omega

Forever, forever is he

And he will bring (Grace)

Forever 

Holy, holy, holy, holy

Holy is he

 So together let’s sing glory 

To the Lamb

Father, we sing tonight, glory 

Glory to the Lamb

We give all the glory to the Lamb 

Jesus, it’s his name we give (Glory to the Lamb)

For he is (Alpha)

He’s the beginning (Omega)

And he is the end (forever)

Forever he remains and he will reign forever (He reigns)

With all power and authority (forever)

Forever he is king (Holy)

Holy is he, holy is he (holy is he) 

1/5/17

Father God at this prayer service that is happening tonight, I thank you for showing me what is the true spirit of humility, and sensitivity to your Spirit. Father God, I thank you for the push of not placing anything above you. Thank you God. 

God as I draw closer to you, and not feed my bad habits, I’m constantly attacked, and the lies of the enemy come to try to tear me down. God show me what to do and what to pray for. I doubt that my praying, and I am not sure rebuking actually leads to rebuking the lies of the enemy. I’m seeking you to not lean on my own understanding, and I’m coming to you wanting to know how to pray for your spirit of overcoming, in this battle that I’m in. Lord, please renew my mind to not feed, or believe in the past. As I choose to trust in your voice, and in who you’re calling me to be. God I seek you always. 

Glory to the Lamb

Glory to the Lamb 

The Holy one, we give glory to the Lamb

The sovereign one, we give glory to the Lamb

The almighty one, we give 

(Glory to the Lamb)

(Glory to the Lamb)

Great and marvelous are your deeds

Just and true are your words, Lord God Almighty (Glory to the Lamb)

Who will not fear you, oh, Lord and bring glory to the name 

(Glory to the Lamb) You alone are holy 

And all nations will come and worship before you (Glory to the Lamb)

Saints and angels sing 

The saints and angels sing glory to the Lamb (Glory to the Lamb) 

We sing glory to the Lamb (glory to the Lamb)

For thy is the kingdom 

And the power, and the glory forever 

Forever, Amen

1/7/17

There’s something wrong with me God when I’m just battling giving you all of my weeds. 

There’s something wrong with me God when I speak hate, anger, jealousy, and negativity. 

I break not build. No one knows this of me. There’s something wrong with me God, because my apologizes have been said one to many times; and they have now became white lies. 

There’s something wrong with my heart, because it doesn’t seem to know how to love or want to love or know how to fight for love. 

I cling to hate, rust, and what’s not from above. 

No wonder I’m where I am because I need to see the wrongness in me. So I look and pick on the wrongness of others. 

What happens now God? 

What can set me free from my judgmental-spitfire-mouth? 

How can I fight to choose love? 

How can I leap? 

How can I say that I’m an ambassador for Christ when I choose my veins and not the blood the Blood of the Lamb?

When does it hurt enough to want more than what I thought I was or want to be? 

I’m not a sister, I’m a foe. 

A pretender. Someone who can put on a good show. He is not the mister, he’s a role that I’ve became a obsessed with and won’t let go. 

I’m the chains of delusions and confusions. 

I’m the hurt that doesn’t want fixing. 

I want vengeance and my own form of victory, not yours Lord because it’s holy. 

I’m not holy, I’m poison and I want it. 

I’m dark and twisted. 

I’m not interested in what you have for me, because I became interested in my own poison. Now here I am wanting to be free, and no one wants me because of the history. 

He’s toying on what could be. 

She’s distant because of the ream that is on me. 

So Lord, oh Lord here’s the team that I won’t carry but release.

God be with me: my shortcomings, my battles, and pride. 

My insecurities, anger, and how I’m quickly to feed anger, jealousy, comparison and strife. Why am I so quick to choose these emotions but not give them to you? 

Why do I choose to get tripped up on the wrong things and not choose truth? 

I thought I was going to finally be healed from this and having to stopped writing a blog on the same things over and over again. 

This is an addiction. 

I’m an addict to the wrong thing. 

I’m not fighting hard enough to let go of these wrong spirits and choose love. 

Things have changed me and not fighting for love or peace or what’s from above. 

I’m so weak to the things that causes one to love and be strong. 

I don’t what this lifestyle no more, I want a healthy one. 

One that’s makes room for you Lord, not for my junk stuff. 

God, please show me to no longer live or be like an addict or someone who is obsessive and fixated on things.

God remove this weed please. 

Remove my stain and corrupted heart. 

I just want to be in peace and live in your trust. 

Father God, where I am now mentality is like a child who doesn’t know the Lord. I went backwards and not proceeded forward, show me how to not do that anymore. God, words have broken me, and I became their scars. God show me how to be sweet and not harsh. Show me how to be complete in who Jesus was, and is to come. I let go of the god-complex me. Victory has won.

I can’t do this anymore. I need to stop being so harsh. Our words can breathe life or death in your word, you show us that in James 3. If I breathe death then I could possibly end some people from not choosing you Lord. 

Oh how that’s a bad start to this walk. 

I need you. 

I’m in need of you. 

I need you. I’m in need of you. 

I need truth to bleed of you to be free from lies that won’t tell breathe death anymore. 

It’s you God, who holds truth and not my own understanding. 

So please hold me accountable to truly meditate on James 3, and fight to breathe your truths and not my habits.

Glory to the Lamb by Geoffrey Golden is such a powerhouse of voices colliding to awaken within us the Spirit of God to move and impact one another. It’s such a cry of worship and a revival of knowing how big, great, and amazing God is. 

Glory to the Lamb (to the Lamb)

We sing glory to the Lamb (Glory to the Lamb)

I’ll praise and I’ll worship your name 

To the Lamb

We sing glory to the Lamb 

Hallelujah 

Hallelujah

Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 

Declare something in the heavenly places 

Somebody just say, God is worthy, he’s mighty, he’s holy 

He’s able to do everything, c’mon, declare, something now 

In the heavenly place 

If you lift him, he’ll draw

If you lift him, he’ll draw

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!!

Wasted  — January 7, 2017

Wasted 

I’m a wasted time

A wasted space

Is how I feel

I’m a wasted flaw

A wasted child

A wasted joke

I’m unreal

Not in love

Not for sure

Not enough

Don’t want no more

They don’t know 

What to say

They can’t relate 

Because they’re not in my space or race 

Hurt for hurt

Pain for pain

He’s not real is what I want to say

No one understands alignment to me Dad,

Because I lack it and I’m always sad

You’re not there

You’re not fair 

You’re not just with me and my trust

No one understands how I feel when I lie my bed

How I feel a worth of hurt from others who dance with the world and hurts

God you’re a deliverer but chooses the worse to remove from the weeds within us 

River — January 1, 2017

River

Been traveling down these wide roads for so long 

My heart’s been far from you 

Ten-thousand miles gone 

12/31/16

People are starting to come. 

The streets are getting crowded, 

victory is where Brother* started 

back to play one, 

victory is won 

where Brother is His Son

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya 

Every part of me 

But there is blood on my hands 

And my lips aren’t clean

God I come to you seeking you on why I feed fear? It’s what I know. It’s a comfort. It’s something that I can count on to look forward to, but I choose you to seek truth, and I choose you to trust in the unknown. I come to you and let fear go. 

In my darkness I remember 

Momma’s words reoccur to me 

“Surrender to the good Lord and he’ll wipe your slate clean”

Ribcage is not real, but you are; 

God first above all

Brother is not real, but you are; 

God first above all

Regina Ann* is not here/real; but you are 

I choose love for all of the above.  

God first above all. 

God I seek you. 

Ribcage loves love. 

God first above all

Brother loves love. 

God first above all

Regina Ann* loves love. 

God first above all 

Take me to your river 

I wanna go 

Oh, go on 

Take me to your river 

I wanna know 

God I seek you to come face to face with my fears, that have been paralyzingly me since first coming into your kingdom as an adopted daughter. Father God, I surrender whatever emotions of denial and shame, that I have towards you and loose love. Because you love me enough to not ring in the new year, with this still in my heart. Father God, I am embracing the changes that will come and seek to trust you. I come to you to deepen and grow my trust in you. I say yes God. I take a stand to say yes always starting today. I let go and choose your love above my own regards. In your arms I remain strong. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Tip me in your smooth waters 

I go in

As a man with many crimes 

Comes up for air 

As my sins flow down the Jordan 

I surrender my control God. The clocks in my head will never be more timely than yours. So I come to you to remove this mindset that I have placed in our space. That my time is your time because it’s not. Your time is on time, and I choose to be obedient and follow your time. 

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya

Every part of me 

But there is blood on my hands 

And my lips aren’t clean 

1/1/17

It’s the first day of 2017 Lord, and I’m just coming to you grateful for all things. I pray that in this new year, you continue to push me to higher, and to be bolder. To continue to grow me as the woman, that you are calling me to be, and to be an empowering and uplifting daughter for others. Father God, I pray that you continue to push me past the boundaries, that I’ve placed and set for myself and you. To have no frontiers, and to not think that I’m limited to what I can do. To not give up during setbacks, but to push through even when it’s hard to do. Father God, I come to you trusting you even more and just growing closer to you and more adorned at the feet of your throne.

Take me to your river 

I wanna go

Go on,

Take me to your river

I wanna know 

Lord, I lay down my plans and agenda for the new year and going forward. Lord, you are my one true planner, and I hand over my physical planner for you. It is you that is meant to fill in the dates and events and my life testimonies to come. Jesus, I come to you seeking to be so sensitive to who you are, and wanting only your will to be done. I come to you open to what is to come. Thank you Lord. Amen.

River by Leon Bridges is that cross between gospel and blues with the timely input of the tambourine. This song brings peace, seeks hope, but reminds us that surrender needs to take place before we can proceed with anything. 

I wanna go, wanna go wanna go 

I wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go

Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go

Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know 

Take me to your river

I wanna go 

Lord, please let me know 

Take me to your river

I wanna know  

Happy New Year!! Blessings for 2017!! Happy reading! Happy listening!

(* denotes name change for privacy) 

%d bloggers like this: