Peace that passes, my understanding 
Love that conquers, my fear and regret 

Joy unending, eternal mleasure

In your presence, my risen King

1/9/17

God am I negative? Then show me how to be in love. Show me how to surrender this flesh fire that I have within my heart. Show me how to not have my negativity spill on to others. I don’t want this life anymore that involves me being negative. I’m tired of hurting Regina Ann*, and hearing that I’m not there for her. Show me how to be better. I surrender my negative spirit. What are the wrong things that I’m feeding God? Show me so that you can hold me accountable to not do them? God I need you. Where are you when I am dealing with this high amounts of negativity that spews on others? Show me how to let go of it. Show me how to just let go of it all. I don’t want to be negative anymore. I don’t want to remain broken anymore. 

Show me how to be healthy. Show me how Lord. I need you Lord. I just need you to remove the negativity in my life. In my heart. In my mind. In my touch. Let my touches be tender and soft, not harsh and hard. Let my love be sweet and sincere, not hard and bitter. Father God, show me how to truly be there and how to truly love. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried it my way and now I can no longer do this my way. Lord show me how to love your way. Show me how to just be a pure lighter of love to others. Show me how Lord. I can’t continue on with the way that I have been moving. I no longer know how to continue on with the way that I have, but Lord you know what is good and of you, so I seek you be that. One who brings and bears good fruit. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

I repent for who I was to Regina Ann. I wasn’t there for here or positive. God you have her. I wish that we can start over, and go back to when we first got saved. That I surrendered all of this and gave you all of me; instead I’ve held on to brokenness that has literally destroyed my relationships with others. I hate that I’m funny. I don’t get why that has to be my gift. It makes me feel like I’m a comedian who will set themselves on fire or secretly battles depression. I’m unhappy with this season in my life God. I’m unhappy with everything. And it’s hard. It’s very hard to get up every day and praise you. 

Why do I compete with my sisters God instead of uplifting them? Why do I not have healthy relationships? I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t even budging. I don’t need to be crying, because it’s all my fault. Here I am in this classroom corner, and just wanting you to take me to space or somewhere far away.

 Peace that passes, my understanding

Love that conquers, my fear and regret 

Joy unending, eternal mleasure

In your presence, my risen King

1/11/17

Father God, the #lesstruggle is so real. I just truly am done with where I am right now. Every time I try to make moves or proceed forward, I get block God so badly. I truly am just done with this season. I just want some milestones happening where I’m not being blocked for every corner that I’m turning. I’m over these delays.

1/15/16

What is this feeling that is in my heart God? 

Please tell me as I walk with you, and choose not to feed my brokenness in flesh. I choose to believe that you love me unconditionally; when for so long I truly believed that you never did. I thought that I had to seek the likes on social media, and validation amongst people so that I could be loved and treated right. I had to beg for someone to see that I’m good enough to be with. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

God, I brokenly believe that me being bullied was because I deserved it. I didn’t know my worth or I was pretty enough. I didn’t think I was popular enough or knew what’s in right now in the world. Father God, I was mad at you for getting saved on 4/4/14, because I was like I’m not done proving myself to the world. I believed that I had to prove myself to be seen that I’m important, creative, and beautiful. That I deserved to be loved. The place that I got saved in from jump never loved me truly or welcomed me. The first year at my job, I wasn’t truly loved or welcomed. I had feelings of being ostracized every day for so long. I’ve had these feelings most of my life. 

Today’s sermon at church truly broke the chain and bondage that I had towards validation in man. I truly choose to let go God, and just let you take over and see your truth above my own brokenness. I am loved by you. I always was, and forever will be loved by you. You father God never strayed from loving me, when there were moments that I strayed from loving and choosing you. 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Father God, as you show me that the reasons for my journey and trails were to lead me back to you, I began to see that you love me so much. God you knew that I was going to choose you whenever or whatever I was going through or feeling. I choose to actively fight to believe that you love me, and that you’ve confirmed me already. 

I hold on to your truths and not my own. Where I am, moving on from here is only forward because I choose to let go. Show me God what to do. Show me God, how to love you and your people. How I need you God, and how your silence was never abandonment but your working for the blessings to come whenever I overcome this mess. You were always working on my behalf even when I was angry at you, you never stopped working, because you’re a good good father. 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Thank you God, for my new found freedom. What 4/4/14 did was began the entry to healing, removing myself from whatever stake I tried to place in the world. God you used how I saw the church to give up my weapons, in what I considered to bring freedom and choose him, and I’ve been going through the metamorphosis of a renewed mind; with new eyes and new gills to breath through. Beyond borders leads to overcoming fear, so I choose you God to overcome my ways, and choose you like Genesis 12. I allow you to lead me as I leave, receive and believe in your love.

Seek First by HouseFires is off of their HouseFires III album. Seek First represents a needed reminder of how much I need to seek God always. I’m in a very frustrated season of stillness and waiting. There’s a lot that God has shown me and I have to wait for certain matters to fall into place and most days I’m over waiting after everything that I’ve been through. I know how to do a lot but God is deliberately slowing me down and it’s very frustrating. But that grace and mercy of God is what grounds me and reminds me of how much I love God, which outweighs how much I want to make moves. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

You have given it to me

You have given it to me 

Happy reading and God bless!!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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