We have sought the truth when we’ve felt the pain

Even wandered beyond our faith in the name

We cannot pretend we are always ok

We cannot depend on fast food grace

They don’t know my struggles. They don’t know my feelings. Who is “they” the unity that tolerates disrespect. I never looked like Regina Ann* or Lanta* or Rose*. I just looked like how God made me, and they didn’t believe that someone like my ribcage could be interested in me. I wasn’t what the unity believe should be around me. You also showed them that you backed them up with their resound. So no, I don’t forgive them and that ribcage don’t care about me; so it doesn’t matter what I do or you do. Why? Did God show me that guy, where now I don’t believe it’s him, because of what is seen.

You chose to believe in them and not what I stand in. 

You watch me get disrespected by every single person that I came across paths with. 

I can’t believe in you anymore. 

I battle believing in God, because of all that has been done. 

I have no resources. 

Just piles of debt. 

Just piles of setbacks. 

Just piles of failed attempts. 

I’m tired of everything that involves you and I. I’ve been disrespected by the ones who you slept with or attempted to but God blocked it. I’m so hurt and jaded by that church and my faith. 

I’m so hurt and jaded by you. 

Because you never took things to God and ask him how to do this. 

You publicly disrespected. 

Please leave my heart. 

You never wanted it in the first place. 

You just wanted your sex and your starlights. Now you can have it. 

You had God made me show up so that you can sound well and your paychecks can be fatten. Now here I am wanting to make something out of myself, and I get block because I can’t proceed without you. 

Watch me! 

Watch me because I am determined to forget you, 

you never wanted my heart, 

you only wanted me to get to your star status as fast as you can.

I wanted a meal ticket from a guy, because that’s the only thing I believe I was worth. 

I wasn’t good enough to the ones that depended on how they look to get the real good looking ones. 

I wasn’t. 

I was also to scarred to be dated. 

I don’t know why, 

I thought it was a good idea to save myself for marriage, when marriage involves a union. 

I was mislead on what the union would look like. God I don’t believe in you. 

In your word or who you are anymore. 

I feel like I wasted my time in my old church I was in. 

I truly just feel like people were so disrespectful, and just mean and didn’t see me as worthy to be in there space; because of who I am and how I look. 

I battle a lot of self worth, because I experience the worse welcoming in a church environment, that didn’t want me but wanted the people that I came with. 

Help me let You go

Help me give up control

of the god i have made you

when my fear has contained you

I realize that not even Rose has even asked me about this man. Because she doesn’t believe it. She believes in Regina Ann’s; but doesn’t even believe in what God has told me about this man. That’s probably why I don’t want to talk to others. That’s probably why I used to go after other women’s men because watch me take your man from you since you think that he would never be interested in me; that’s how broken I am or was. My insecurities of how I look causes me to feed the same brokenness over and over again. I’m always picking apart how I look. Lanta told me last night to stop picking apart my beautiful face at Regina Ann’s birthday celebration last night. No one would believe that the likes of that man God keeps showing me in church or society can possible be interested in me. So I’m like watch you suffer since you trained everyone to make me feel like I’m not able or deserve to be loved for who I am. 

I’m not enough for me because I was never enough for anyone. 

I was never enough for my parents. 

I was never enough for teachers, peers, or coaches. 

I don’t want to take anyone’s advice, because I’ve been disrespected for so long. 

I don’t trust what anyone has to say. 

No one wanted to see me be set up for success.   

They actually said to me that maybe I’m not cut out for this education path, so I had to prove to them that I can do anything. 

I got three other offers last year after I was told I can’t be a teacher. I always get motivated by someone telling me I can’t do something. 

I mind screwed myself to perform or function when someone doubts me. 

I don’t believe in myself because you block me God from doing things my way. 

You block me from starting the businesses that I want to start. 

You tell me that I have to wait on someone who is already ahead and successful. 

The fact that Rose doesn’t believe in what I’m telling her, because she sees what I see: if a man is truly interested in a woman then he would make a move, is how I know that it’s not him. 

It’s 2017, and he’s not interested in me, he never was. 

It was always me making the moves. 

I was the one who had to be in the pews and waited and be true. 

But he didn’t want me, he never did; because you can’t want what’s not for you. 

I made this man up. 

I made up the flutters and everything. 

I created facades about him. 

So I’m moving on, and choosing healthy truths. I’m choosing the fact that I don’t know who is meant to be for me is, but I know that one day I will believe that God is good. 

I wish him much success. 

I wish him God’s ordained for his life. 

when the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived 

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

God heal me to get past the hurt that has occurred in me for all of my life. God, should I even call on you when I’m here struggling, and just trying to make something out of myself. 

You are not able to be there for another human being, but you still can managed to make a fat paycheck, and not encounter half that I’ve dealt with. 

You are just like them even worse, because you witness the disrespect. 

God isn’t showing me how to pay my bills, but he’s showing me someone who can pay their bills and them some. 

I’m failing my certs exams, but you passed all your schooling, and you have your prestige pedigrees that you didn’t even need; because you were always welcome at the table. 

I had to work twice as hard, because I was prejudged for not being good enough, when you were handing the keys to open any doors. 

I am struggling to walk most days, and have trouble walking up or walking down the stairs. You can freely walk without any pain. 

When you are mention with others, they look at me like I’m insane. 

Like what happened today with Rose. 

So I’m the one who is making everything up, and it’s not okay.  

The day that you did what you did reminded me that you were just like the rest of them. 

You were no better, because you followed suit instead of standing up against the grain. 

You didn’t want to lose the false unity that you had for someone of the likes of me, because you know you had to be upfront? and state the truth. 

You’re good with who you are, so please let me be free. 

Stop praying for us, because I stopped praying for us when you chose the wrong victory. 

It was the victory that feed who you are and not joined with me. 

You liked it. 

You enabled it, and now that I’ve called you out, you want to act like you’re sorry. 

You never was, so please don’t use the reruns ruse that you’ve used on blondie and tall, and petite on me. 

I’m not them and was never their lump sum. 

You won. 

You wanted me broken and defeated and hurt and battered. 

So you won. 

I feel like railroad tracks ran over me. 

My eyes have opened on who you are. 

You are with us now

You have always been

When we’re found without

You’re found within

Like today’s sermon said, don’t need to be attached to anything or anyone. 

I lose control and obsessiveness. 

I was obsessive over us and we weren’t God’s best. 

I choose to have freedom in God and just be detached from all things that are not a part of God’s promises. 

I hate this path that I’m in and I hate that I’m in a journey that requires me to look so foolish that it makes me doubt what it is that you God has ever said to me. 

I pick up that people doubt what I say or tell them because of how I look. 

Because of how I don’t look a certain way. 

I won’t be the modelesque that this world has based it self on. 

You called me to be different when society accepts the difference but christians do not. You call me to change, but christians don’t want to receive the change that I bring. 

So here I am struggling to hear you God, because the lies of the enemy is what wins even in your own churches as christians. 

How I can compete and win when I’m battling against the Regina Ann’s, the Lanta’s, and the Rose’s.

I’ve been bullied to the point that I didn’t want to do this assignment anymore. 

You’ve blocked me from being successful. 

I don’t care about my heart, because there’s others out there who has a heart of stone and are extremely successful. 

But I’m struggling. 

I’m battling. 

I get complimented but I twist it because I don’t believe that I’m good enough for the quota, and quota of the ‘right people.’ 

I don’t want this walk. 

You can have it. 

You can give it to someone else who knows how to handle it. 

You can bless the right people when I’m feeling suffering daily. 

I’m pushing you do this. 

I don’t want no one to help me, because they get coached better than me. 

I’m barely able to keep my head afloat, and you tell me the nonsense that you tell me God. 

I don’t want to pray for others when they can’t even match my feet. 

You can do you God, you always have and you always will. 

I can barely hear anyways, so whatever you are telling me is like congested with the air. 

There’s no way that you want the best for me God. There’s no way. The fact that Rose got to go to sweet chick, which is a place that I’ve wanted to go since before it’s become what it has become, is the absurdity of I see that you don’t love me; because if you did then you wouldn’t block me as much as you have God. The fact remains that I’m struggling and you don’t even care because you have me out here waiting in vain God. 

When the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived 

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

Just waiting in vain every single day until I’m like 99 like Abraham to receive the blessings. You don’t even want to bless me now. That’s not okay. So I’m going to do me without you. I’ve tried it you your way, and it didn’t work. The fact that I’ve used to work out, and no one has notice that I’ve lost weight, confirms that I’m still fat in pictures, and to people. No one sees that I’m not an xl or xxl, and that is disheartening. 

The vortex that I tried to leave was what you used to prove how you can mess with me. 

You proved a point, that you can conspire a whole community to publicly alienate me; because you didn’t like what I was, or what I come with. 

There’s the inability to let go of what has happened in the past. 

There’s the inability to move on. 

There’s the inability to trust his voice, and trust that I’m not wrong. 

There’s so much inability to be and live in the present and move on. 

There’s inability to want to see that I’ve wanted to be validated by the very fake unity who rejected me and played me. 

There’s inability to see that I want worldly things more than Godly things. 

There’s an inability to see that I don’t want freedom, when I know and believe that I can thrive on brokenness. 

There’s an inability to see that I don’t want to be healthy or move in 2017, and renew my mindset and headspace. 

I can’t go back to this. I can’t go back to this space. I have to receive what’s is His and His name. That’s the only way to be redeemed and freed from my mistakes and embrace God’s grace.

Let You Go by United Pursuit explains the letting go of every emotion that changes who God is in our space. It’s letting go of how small we made God, how big we capitalized the fear. The song speaks in profound ways to me, in the verses that mimics where my life has landed with God. 

Help me let You go

Help me give up control

of the god i have made you

when my fear has contained you

Happy reading!! Happy Listening!! Blessings!! 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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